Can you see his side?

[BeArtfulLemonCat]

Hi,
I'm a SAHM and have been for a number of years. DP works 30-45 hours a week on set salary so wage is consistently same. I look after DS at home and have since birth. From birth I have done all feeds, all nappy changes, all baths, all meals, all getting dressed, all bed times. I do EVERYTHING for our child.

DP wakes 3 times a week at 4am to go to the gym. Other 2 working days he wakes at 6am. Finished most days by 2 pm sometimes earlier sometimes later but never after 4pm. Once finished work he showers then sits on couch watching television or napping until he goes to bed at 9pm.

I wake with DS at around 8am everyday. I do breakfast, I clean living area, kitchen, light fire, play with DS, do washing drying etc of clothes, do lunch, cook dinner, prep clothes for DP for next day and put DS to bed . This is basic. Some days this is all I feel up to other days I will do more including cleaning bedrooms, bathrooms etc but it's always me I get no help.

Weekends I do pretty much the exact same except we do shopping etc which I do and unpack. DP says everything outside his work is my responsibility. Furthermore he says that I am lazy because my house is not like a show home.

Honestly I have suffered with depression my whole life and our whole relationship. Before DS, DH never worked, I did and I did 80 percent of chores too. But since DS all the weight is on my shoulders regarding home and DS. I can't talk to DP because the lazy conversation is all he uses. I've tried expressing how this rhetoric is making my depression worse. But he doesn't acknowledge it or he will for one day and make promises of all the things he will change then same old. I'm lost, my depression is so bad now that I've no motivation for anything and anything more than basic chores or cleaning and looking after DS is all I can manage I feel permanently fatigued.

Without the usual he's this and that or you need to get a job. Can any working dad's or SAHM please tell me if you can see his side - should my house be a show room? Is his role working all he should do? Should I just stop whining AIBU?

So he works 5 days a week, 30-45 hours and has time for hobbies. You work 7 days a week, roughly 112 hours a week and have no time for hobbies.

Yeah that seems completely fair. Not.

Honestly, get rid of him. He sounds like a complete arsehole. Imagine having a child and taking to interest in looking after them.

It's quite clear he sees housework as women's work since OP said before the baby he was unemployed and she was working and she still did most of the housework.

When I finish putting DS to bed, DH has either gone to bed (spare room because DS waking disturbs his sleep) or he's asleep on the couch. So we don't sleep together let alone watch tele together, have meaningful conversation or romance. These don't exist. I tried organising a cinema date a few weeks ago to bring some romance back but he whined the whole movie didn't hold my hand or kiss me. Then said he wouldn't do it again. Chores on weekends he says are my job because the weekend is his time to rest. Maybe all the comments are right it's pretty much like I'm nobody to him and just there to look after everything.

Definitely can’t see his side. He sounds an abusive arsehole, and lazy to boot.

He’s played a “clever” (not really) but age old game of calling you what he is - incredibly lazy.

Get rid.

You won’t be nearly as depressed without him pulling you down.

Haha! I bet if you went away for the weekend with friends and he was left with DS he would majorly struggle and would probably be on the phone to you constantly begging you to come home.

I think your depression would lift if you got rid of him

Can you list some positives of being in a relationship with him? What are you getting out of this?

Yes, it sounds pretty much like he sees you as paid help, responsible for everything, with no time off.

I’m sorry but this is not what love or partnership looks like. You have a lot to think about, OP.

When I was a SAHM I did the household stuff whilst DH was at work. Once he was home everything was shared.

Your job as a stay at home parent finishes when his job outside of the house finishes. After that time you are just two parents working as a team. He’s a pig.

He regularly gets up at 4am to the gym?? Bloody hell.

He's a crap dad and partner. Selfish, entitled and idle, by the sound of it. What good points has he got?

Does he acknowledge his son at all?

I wouldn't usually say this, as I think 2 (good) parents are better than 1, for children - but your bloke isn't a decent parent. Get rid of him.

It's obvious where he's coming from....keeping you under his thumb and feeling shit suits his purpose .....why don't you want to hear the truth?

Do you think part of the problem might just be that he genuinely doesn’t realise what it is you do all day, and so in his mind he see’s it as him being up at 4am and going out to work all day while you get up at 8am every day and spend the day pottering about the house? Obviously I’m not saying that he’s right at all, but is it possible that he just doesn’t realise/appreciate what “your day” looks like and so he see’s yours as being at home relaxing and see’s his as going out to stress?

I think a lot of dad’s have this issue to be honest, they see their day with early starts, busy commutes, 8 hours at work, coming home, and see your day in contrast as you sitting at home all day and so you can see where this attitude comes from on their behalf where they think they deserve the leisure time because you sit in the house every day remember? and they can’t understand why the house isn’t spotless because surely after spending 8 hours at home it should be shouldn’t it? It may be beneficial to let him see what YOUR day actually looks like for a change, even for half a day, let him do your bit, leave the house for the day and let him see. That may change his perspective a bit.

It's a very old fashioned set up. My Dad was like that, he worked and Mum did all the childcare, house, cleaning etc. He only demanded a cooked meal on Saturdays and Sundays though so that's one good thing. It's not really fair if you feel you have too much to do. Would he pay/ can you pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week? To make time for you to spend a day or 2 at least doing something that makes you happy.

Sadly, OP, your DP is a man-child...and the inference from what you've written is he sees you as little more than a housemate, but actually treats you with less respect than most people would treat a housemate.

I doubt he has any interest in changing his ways, so the impetus for change must be yours. For how long do you intend to put up with his lazy entitled ways?

Consider: "The bath water's getting cold, but the bathroom's even colder." Many people here have had to bite the bullet and confront a notional cold bathroom; it's not easy, but the benefits can't be understated.

Exactly. In fact he's just adding to her workload. Another dinner to cook and more washing. Bet he just dumps his smelly sweaty gym clothes on the floor and expects her to pick them up and launder them.

So when there was noone at home that needed to be looked after, ie before you had kids, he was happy for you to go out to work while he sat in his arse all day not working? Did I read that correctly?

Was the house always spotless at that point from him? NO! Because you've said you basically did it all back then too.

Now there is a child in the home he can't get away with doing nothing if he's home, so he's taking the easy way out of going out of the house to work, and he still gets you to do everything while having plenty of leisure time to himself.

Honestly OP, you're someone who has worked up to having your child, it sounds like your child is young enough that you haven't been out of work for too many years, please consider whether it would be way more beneficial to you longer term to leave him, go back to work and look after your child yourself......you wouldn't have anyone berating your efforts and you would have the chance to be happy!

Honestly, you need to get a job and leave. What kind of an example are you setting for your child by staying with this useless prick?

He's the lazy shit. I would put money on your depression improving if you were to decide not to be with him any more.

OP why is it your job to clean up after him like a maid?

Also it is very offensive of him to call you lazy when he is the one spending so long on the sofa.

He is undermining your confidence and keeping you where he wants you. What about you though? What do you get out of the relationship?
Do you think he should care for you and treat you like an equal?

He's a pig. I never say LTB but LTB. The cheek of him! Sat on the sofa, watching TV and napping after work while you do everything!! Don't have another kid with this guy.