Can you see his side?

[BeArtfulLemonCat]

Hi,
I'm a SAHM and have been for a number of years. DP works 30-45 hours a week on set salary so wage is consistently same. I look after DS at home and have since birth. From birth I have done all feeds, all nappy changes, all baths, all meals, all getting dressed, all bed times. I do EVERYTHING for our child.

DP wakes 3 times a week at 4am to go to the gym. Other 2 working days he wakes at 6am. Finished most days by 2 pm sometimes earlier sometimes later but never after 4pm. Once finished work he showers then sits on couch watching television or napping until he goes to bed at 9pm.

I wake with DS at around 8am everyday. I do breakfast, I clean living area, kitchen, light fire, play with DS, do washing drying etc of clothes, do lunch, cook dinner, prep clothes for DP for next day and put DS to bed . This is basic. Some days this is all I feel up to other days I will do more including cleaning bedrooms, bathrooms etc but it's always me I get no help.

Weekends I do pretty much the exact same except we do shopping etc which I do and unpack. DP says everything outside his work is my responsibility. Furthermore he says that I am lazy because my house is not like a show home.

Honestly I have suffered with depression my whole life and our whole relationship. Before DS, DH never worked, I did and I did 80 percent of chores too. But since DS all the weight is on my shoulders regarding home and DS. I can't talk to DP because the lazy conversation is all he uses. I've tried expressing how this rhetoric is making my depression worse. But he doesn't acknowledge it or he will for one day and make promises of all the things he will change then same old. I'm lost, my depression is so bad now that I've no motivation for anything and anything more than basic chores or cleaning and looking after DS is all I can manage I feel permanently fatigued.

Without the usual he's this and that or you need to get a job. Can any working dad's or SAHM please tell me if you can see his side - should my house be a show room? Is his role working all he should do? Should I just stop whining AIBU?

It depressed me just reading your posts OP, so no wonder you feel so down.

It sounds like he doesn't care for at all. As if he's staying because he gets looked after and because you have a child. In fact, you are more mum than lover to him.

I couldn't share my life with someone who treated me, my house and my family in such a way

You'd be so much better off without him. It's one thing caring for a child but the resentment builds towards another adult who is happy to leave their partner to struggle would be the killer of the relationship for me.

I work part time. This morning I sorted a washing, cleaned the kitchen. And that's it. I took my child to their swimming lesson. The living room is a mess because they've been playing. There's dishes in the sink. It will get sorted tonight but it will be a team effort after dinner and DH do equal amounts. In fact, if he sees dishes in the sink he will likely try and get them done when he gets home. I've made dinner. I've also played with my child and read to them etc. My role is to look after my child. The house is a joint effort. And it's NEVER a showhome!!

I say this with kindness, but you are repeating the cycle...what is your DS learning about love and relationships here? That it is ok for DH to do nothing and the mum does everything. You owe yourself and your child so much more.

I'm sorry op, but you are potentially in quite a vulnerable position here as an unmarried SAHM.

Are you on the deeds to the house as joint owner? How difficult would it be for you to go back to work?

I would also suggest you look into leaving him. Mainly for yourself, your mental health & your self esteem but also for your DS. You say your DP's Dad was like this so it's ingrained so I'd definitely be looking to break that chain so your DS doesn't grow up the same way. Imagine this is 30 years down the line and this is your son's partner complaining about your son. Wouldn't you feel so sad for that partner and ashamed of how your son was behaving? Wouldn't you want him to be a better person? You can help him so much by leaving and modelling how a healthy division of chores and workload should look as well as teaching him how to do these things for himself.

Right. Please don't hate me, I'm child free, married, retired. Husband too, at a very early age. By choice, everything around the house is my job, including cutting grass with a scythe - keeps me fit. I agree OP, your depression would probably go if you left your pig of a partner.
However, I can see his side a little. Growing up in another country, 1980s, I used to know ladies who married into small farms. They also had kids, cooked, cleaned, helped with animals, took care of the whole house and in the summer they took a scythe to a MEADOW and over four days cut the damn grass. My genuine question is - how DID they manage?
I was too young to ask😁.
Good luck.

The bit about the 'show home' annoys me most. Whatever happened to homes you LIVE in? Why do you need that standard in your own home, especially when kids are around? But then I'm not the tidiest of people...
DH is retired and does most of the housework/duties, but I still do my share of jobs, even though I'm working full time. I "take over" some duties during the school holidays, but that's my choice. I wouldn't dream of leaving DH to do absolutely everything! I think your DH is very unfair and needs to chill out a bit.

OP what's your housing situation, owned/ rented, joint names?

If you asked him to leave would he go?

Thank fuck you're not married!

Let this be a cautionary tale to any woman with a partner who doesn't work, while she does, and yet only does 20% of the housework- he will not be a good father or co-parent.

OP, after you get a job and leave this waste of space, please do some soul-searching regarding why you accepted so little for yourself. You deserve so much better.

I just think this sounds like modern day slavery. He is stealing your time, your leisure, your ability to earn money, all so that he can rest and sleep at your expense. It's despicable.

Please try to get away from him. I bet he is financially abusing you as well isn't he?

How old is your child now?

How does your husband show you that he loves you, because I can't see any love here? What has made you stay?

You say you've been a SAHM for years, how old is your DC. Presumably they are at school now?

In which case you have a pretty chilled day. I'm not excusing your DH's laziness, he should be pitching in at weekends.

Bloody hell! What a sexist pig!

When he gets home, he should be doing 50% of the labour.

Also, he has fun time/free time at the gym so you need to be taking at least the same time for yourself.

When our 2 were little, if the house was a mess when DH came home, he would immediately start tidying, then often put DC to bed while I cooked, or he would cook while I put them to bed.
We both knew that we each had a joint family responsibility, that's how we have lived for over 25 years, each if us will pick up the slack if necessary.

I can see his side. He wants you to be a slave.

He's obviously doing quite a good job of achieving this as you're actually questioning yourself.

Instead of questioning wtf you're doing, spending your 1 and only life, serving this man.

Leave him. I suspect the depression will lift significantly.

He sounds horrible OP. You are not wrong, know your worth and make plans to either leave or go back to work and change things.

Pre DC, both in full time jobs, we both still had chores to do. How someone with a child things all he has to do is work in his job is beyond me - that's less than my DH and I did when we had no kids.

He is the lazy one, not you. Going to work is the bare minimum of being a parent (if the working parent). Apart from anything else, it's so sad for your child that his dad doesn't want to do anything with him or for him.

Parent hood is wasted on men like him

You are getting nothing from this relationship apart from depression and an absolute useless, abusive man.

I echo many other PPs in saying leave him. However, if you're not in a position to leave yet, withdraw all of your 'services' relating to your partner.

Don't get his clothes ready for the following day, don't do his laundry, make your own and baby's food and leave him to make his own. Do the minimum about the house and if he wants it to look like a show house then tell him to crack on. If he says it's not his job, tell him it's not yours either and ignore his whining.

Also, ask him who the fuck does he think he's talking to when he's moaning at you. How dare he treat you like that. Don't allow it.