Can you see his side?

[BeArtfulLemonCat]

Hi,
I'm a SAHM and have been for a number of years. DP works 30-45 hours a week on set salary so wage is consistently same. I look after DS at home and have since birth. From birth I have done all feeds, all nappy changes, all baths, all meals, all getting dressed, all bed times. I do EVERYTHING for our child.

DP wakes 3 times a week at 4am to go to the gym. Other 2 working days he wakes at 6am. Finished most days by 2 pm sometimes earlier sometimes later but never after 4pm. Once finished work he showers then sits on couch watching television or napping until he goes to bed at 9pm.

I wake with DS at around 8am everyday. I do breakfast, I clean living area, kitchen, light fire, play with DS, do washing drying etc of clothes, do lunch, cook dinner, prep clothes for DP for next day and put DS to bed . This is basic. Some days this is all I feel up to other days I will do more including cleaning bedrooms, bathrooms etc but it's always me I get no help.

Weekends I do pretty much the exact same except we do shopping etc which I do and unpack. DP says everything outside his work is my responsibility. Furthermore he says that I am lazy because my house is not like a show home.

Honestly I have suffered with depression my whole life and our whole relationship. Before DS, DH never worked, I did and I did 80 percent of chores too. But since DS all the weight is on my shoulders regarding home and DS. I can't talk to DP because the lazy conversation is all he uses. I've tried expressing how this rhetoric is making my depression worse. But he doesn't acknowledge it or he will for one day and make promises of all the things he will change then same old. I'm lost, my depression is so bad now that I've no motivation for anything and anything more than basic chores or cleaning and looking after DS is all I can manage I feel permanently fatigued.

Without the usual he's this and that or you need to get a job. Can any working dad's or SAHM please tell me if you can see his side - should my house be a show room? Is his role working all he should do? Should I just stop whining AIBU?

He’s a selfish arse.

because he has never lifted a finger to help/do what you do/chip in or whatever, he has no clue as to how hard YOUR job is.

TELL him he needs to do x or y task, that he has the time for himself, and you need a bit more balance in your life.

I'm a SAHM and absolutely CANNOT see his side at all. This seems very unfair I am so sorry ❤️

At our house, between my husbands working hours (roughly 8am - 6:30pm) i do everything (minus washing clothes) once he finishes, and at weekends we split childcare/chores 50/50.

We have 2 kiddies so each of us does a bedtime but when we had 1 he would do bedtime to give me a break. I did do more basically all nightshifts but he would always do at least Friday or Saturday (and take them in the morning) so I would get uninterrupted sleep. On nights where I would be exhausted he would do it without grumbling.

I do tend to do a bit more housework because he has a very busy job and i genuinely don't mind doing it but on days i can't be bothered he picks up the slack no questions asked (and vice versa).He does tend to do most of the cooking too as I can't cook to save my life but it depends on his meetings etc.

He's a lazy cunt.

At weekends you should have the same amount of leisure time and you should do chores equally.

What a sexist twat.

He treats you like an unpaid skivvy, OP. He has no 'side'. That much should be obvious, even to someone he has obviously done a good job of brainwashing.

What I want to know is why you won't contemplate re-entering the workforce and/or ending your marriage? I get that it's overwhelming, but it's not as if the status quo is making you happy. In a job, you would be paid, your labour acknowledged, you would work specific times, and no one would nag you about the state of your laundry basket.

You say you don’t want to get a job. So what do you think the solution is op? He’s being an arse but he’s not going to change - you can only change yourself. Jeezo, dump him and get a job, you’ll be happier which is better for your child.

Is he a DH or DP? You use both in your posts.

How did he justify only doing 20% of the housework (without even having a child to look after) whilst he wasn't working,and yet you're lazy and he's not?

I hope all these messages are getting home to you, you are definitely not being unreasonable, I honestly think you should consider getting the hell out of this relationship, apart from anything else, you wouldn't have so much to do, washing, cooking, cleaning for an idle pig, you deserve a good life, you only get one, make yours count.

I'm a SAHM, and your husband's behaviour is not normal or acceptable. You are in a very, very vulnerable position as an unmarried SAHM with a shitty partner. I definitely don't think you should marry him, as he is vile, so your best bet is to get a job so you can take steps towards leaving him.

Before DS, DH never worked, I did and I did 80 percent of chores too

There is no way to say this nicely so I'll just say it bluntly. What did you expect to change when you had a child?

Your DH was already a lazy fucker, why would you think having a child would change this?

** unless there are medical reasons your DH didn't work.

He isn't going to change so the big question is what are you going to do about it?

Both of you are working but he is the one who's doing paid work. That doesn't mean your work isn't important, quite the opposite, what could be more important than your own child and the upbringing thereof!
He sounds like a selfish asshole!
I wonder if making a private detailed plan for your eventual escape from this asshole would motivate you and make you feel less depressed?

You have a young child.

How can your home be a show home between 2 and 4 pm (or ever 😂).

There will always be washing, cooking, ironing on the go.

Buy a notebook. Tell him you are willing to learn from the master how to do it correctly so this weekend you will sit in his sofa spot and make notes as he manages child and housework and shows you how it's done.

He'll either refuse - in which case leave him as life is too short.

Or actually agree and will realise his expectations are ridiculous and impossible. Then he may change his stance. If he does - that's up to you what you do. If he doesn't - again - leave. Life's too short for this crap.

This man does not love or respect you and the sooner you realise that, the easier it will be to end this relationship. Someone who loves you would want to spend time with you, would want to take some of the load off you, would not be happy to sit watching TV for hours on end while you run around doing chores, would want to kiss you, hold your hand etc. They would want to SHARE a life with you.
This is not a life for you. Just leave him- it's not worth feeling like you are hired help for the rest of your life.
I am not a SAHM but I did take a year off work for both of my kids and my Husband did not see this a free ticket so sit back for the year and do nothing. He helped out in the morning before he left for work and as soon as he was home he got stuck in again, weekends were shared and so were night time wakings.
You deserve a partner, not someone sitting on the sidelines while you run yourself ragged.

If you employed a nanny to look after your DS, they wouldn't do household chores as well - so they might do DS's clothes or cook his dinner, but not shop or general cooking and laundry. So that's one full time job.

The nanny wouldn't work 24 hours, so that would be another full time job for a night nanny.

Cooking, cleaning, general housekeeping- you'd need another full time job for this.

So three full time jobs you cover, without time off, holiday or overtime as you also work weekends, Bank Holidays etc. Plus the mental load of managing it all. He does one full time job, which leaves ample time for gym, hobbies and general sitting about doing nothing. It's not fair, and if he can't see that the reason your house isn't a show room is you don't have the hours to do it, he's a fool.

He sounds like an absolute arse! You are at home so yes more of the caring/ house jobs should fall on you but he needs to pull his weight.

I work part time. On the days I have at home with DS I don't actually get very much done in the house at all. When DH comes home on those days he takes over with DS until bed time.

I've just re-read your OP and am struck that you both do the shopping and then it's your job to put it away.

This man really does see you as a servant. I think that whatever you decide to do about DP you might think about getting back to work.It will give you some independence and also some social contact outside of DC and DP which may well help with your confidence.

I had a period of time living abroad when my DCs were small and I was not allowed to work. I found it hard being at home all the time and my DH was nothing like yours and actually supportive and loving so I can only imagine how tough it is for you.

I know it is hard to think about childcare etc but usually these things can be sorted with some time and effort and I really think it might help you. You may not end up better off financially but all the other benefits are so important.

I’m no contender for father of the year, but since my children were born I did both their baths, supper, bedtime story and then bedtime every night unless I was away on business. My wife always knew she could take over all or any of these tasks whenever she chose. However, my working assumption was always she’s been all day with two kids under three and could probably use a reliable break everyday. At weekends I would get up early on either weekend day and take both boys out for the morning.

it doesn’t even sound as if your DH enjoys his child. No doubt he loves him, but enjoying him is a whole other issue.

My wife is more qualified than me but we agreed we would both like her to be with the kids until at least primary school. When we looked at the finances I soon realised how much her time was worth. As luck would have it, I was able to arrange some freelance work for her in order to keep her stimulated and career on track. Since that time she,s managed to develop an entirely free lance career that works for her as a professional and a parent.

I would find this bleak, and I’m afraid resentment would build. I hope something changes shape for you.

Honestly, reading all these posts makes me very sad but I know that they are right. I thought getting a job when I had DS would make DP (not married mistake in typing) grow and take responsibility but I fear he's only become worse and relies on me for everything other than his hours in work.

I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. I know there is more I could do everyday and yes I do take breaks and sit down which is probably why I don't have a show home. In the beginning of being a SAHM it was much easier to do more but I feel like a weight on my shoulders now. I've no motivation now. I feel like no matter how clean the house is there is always more that could be done. No matter what meals are cooked there is always something that could make it better.

He has no value for my position. For those saying try leave him to do your job. I have tried. I've left him with DS house a mess. When I come back it's worse than I left. I'm told that's not his job. He won't even attempt to do it. I've tried explaining that if you hired someone to do what I do you would pay a fortune. He says well at least they would do a good job not sit on there butts.

I don't think there is anything I can say or do. His father behaved the same and I think its engrained. I've tried speaking to his mother. She told him she was appalled and he paid no attention.

Its ruined our relationship. But he also got from his mum the ability to say and do things then wake up the next day and pretend like it didn't happen. So either I pretend and get on with it or I spend my time arguing with him. Maybe leaving is the best thing to do.

I honestly think leaving is the best thing you can do.

Do you have family who can offer some practical or moral support if you do make the move?

How old is your DS? You say you've been a stay at home mum for a few years. Will he go to nursery soon?

I've only read the OP'S posts. When I had children in the 70s, most of my friends were SAHM and our husbands had jobs that paid all the bills. My husband never changed a nappy, got up in the night or cooked a meal and I didn't expect him to. However....he would never ever have criticised my cleaning or routine as he valued my contribution (as I did his) and at the weekend we would go out as a family and plan holidays. The main difference between my situation then and your situation now is that we were supportive of each other which is where your partner is falling down. Is he likely to change? Sounds unlikely from your posts. Are you happy to continue like this? Again, sounds unlikely. You deserve better 🌻

I can see a little of where he is coming from. HOWEVER, it is really clear he has no idea of how much work what you described is. This is not a reasonable split of responsibilities.

You surely know the answer here OP? Looking after the baby is your job at the moment, not being your husband’s skivvy. He’s useless and it’s gross that he does nothing for you and his child. What would he do if you were ill in hospital? He wouldn’t even know how to change a nappy or feed your child. Can’t you see how wrong that is?

For some perspective I’m on maternity leave. DH works full time. He does half, if not more, of everything- this includes anything to do with the baby including night feeds, housework, laundry, shopping etc. He regularly takes our baby by himself and I feel completely unconcerned about that. I spend a lot of my days napping or pottering around the house. He would never dream of criticising what I have/ have not done around the house.

No, your house doesn't need to look like a show home. Most people with young kids houses don't!

TBH he sounds the lazy one to me. If he gets up at 6 and finishes by 2, presumably that gives him a start time of 7am, that's a 35 hour working week, not factoring in any breaks. If he has breaks, then it's less.
On the other hand, you don't seem to have any off-duty time.
How are the finances? Do you have equal access to a joint account or is he in control of that too?
Whether you leave or not, start thinking about going back to work so that you regain some control and make sure you can support yourself and your son when the break inevitably happens.