To think there must be more help for a working single mum

[gemini1990]

A dear friend of mine has separated from her DH. Her decision, she's moved back in to her mums with her two very young children.

She works full time and earns circa 55k (SE England) she's having to buy a flat on the shared ownership scheme as this is literally all she can afford. She cannot afford to rent. She took 50% of the equity from the family house sale but left everything she owned in the family home and he took all of it. He's not paying her any maintenance despite him not having the kids 50% (she will go through the CSA). He's told her even if the CSA chase that he won't pay and she will have to take him to court before she gets a penny.

She can't afford a solicitor as every penny she owns is going on a deposit for her tiny flat for her and her children.

Due to her salary she's not eligible for any benefits.

It just seems so unfair. She works full time, but if she didn't, she may be eligible for a council house?!

Am I missing something??? And how do people get divorced and pay for solicitors when they have no money? Her exH cleared out the joint account when she left. He's kept all their savings, their belongings, everything.

Any advice on if we are missing something key here - from anyone who's been through it before. When she's paid all her mortgage, childcare and bills and food etc she's going to be left with next to nothing.

We are all left with next to nothing

Aldi, council houses are rare and she is housed. So regardless of income, she wouldn't get a house that easily. Even if not working and on benefits

@HelloMiss thank you. I honestly just can't believe it, when she works so hard. It's so unfair.

The dad must be made to pay.

You’re not missing anything. It’s just shit. Even Child Benefit (which she can claim, but will have to do a self-assessment form and repay some of it) is massively skewed against single working parents.

Yes we are looking at that @BCBird but he has literally said he will not give her a penny, he will take the kid 50% if he needs to, (I know him and I don't doubt this to spite her for leaving).

Also, he doesn't earn that much more than her, but he's in a much much better position financially for various reasons.

It's rubbish. Sending solidarity to your friend.

Yes, I think this is what they call the ‘squeezed middle’. Work full time, make a reasonable salary but not eligible for any help.

It’s absolutely shit. it’s shit both ways - the state shouldn’t be propping up businesses who can make more money buy paying crap salaries, and it is also shit for those who get no help and are making decent money but still can’t afford to live.

Wages should be enough for anyone working full time to rent or buy a house, heat it and feed their family.

We should be publically shaming those people who won't pay for their children. A billboard outside his house or local.pub would be ideal

I think people think benefits are easy to get and they support lowering benefits and making them harder to get. Then when they need them they realize you have to have very little or nothing at all in order to qualify unless you have a disability or a child with a disability. Not saying your friend is anti benefits, just that the anti benefits rhetoric that is everywhere has people believing that everybody else is on them, getting money for nothing and it isn't true.

I think your friend needs to see a solicitor and get what is rightfully hers from her ex. Some divorce solicitors will see you for an initial hour for free. Affording a solicitor would be the best use of her money right now imo.

Urgh what a POS. Although money is very tight I think investing in a Solicitor would be a good move. It's not acceptable that he contributes nothing towards his children.

But generally this is the situation and it's shit, and why many women stay in unhappy snd unhealthy marriages longer than they would otherwise...

Her exH cleared out the joint account when she left. He's kept all their savings, their belongings, everything.
This sounds like it's the source of her financial problems, much more than being a single parent. Money spent on a solicitor to get what she's owed sounds like it would be well spent.

She can apply to go on the council housing list, everyone can apply whatever their work status or finances, but circumstances determine how easy it is to get a property. If she is on the list and things deteriorate for her at least all she has to do is a change of circumstances form.

The problem is, she has no idea how much is really in the pot. He dealt with all their finances and there was definitely some financial abuse going on. She handed over her salary to him and trusted him to save for the family etc etc. She realises now how stupid this was.

She probably has a better pension than him.

He is from a very wealthy family and will have access to the very best legal support.

She's going to have to go in to debt to get a solicitor and it might not even be worth it. It's just awful.

Your friend is luckier than most in that she has been able to move in with her mum.

I've been a single working parent to four children on half your friends salary (even allowing for tax credit top ups on my finances). It can be done and you just have to fit your life to your circumstances however unfair it is and feels. But on her wage she will be ok in the long term.

No, there's very little help for full time working single parents.

Has she got copies of bank statements and things to show what was in the accounts? He'll have to declare his income and assets during the financial settlement part of the divorce so she could try to get some back then (but I will warn that if he argues loads, the solicitors fees might be more than the money is - depends how much).

Anyone can put their name on the council waiting list, it’s just a matter of points and how urgent their needs are and obviously there is a shortage. She wouldn’t have many points.

The issue is her STBXH. As much as it’s unfortunately too late for your friend it’s a warning to anyone considering divorce or separation to get wheels in motion before a spouse is informed you are divorcing them.

Honestly, she needs to get a solicitor really.

@gemini1990 in a lot of areas Council houses go to low income and homeless people, it's a misconception that the unemployed are higher up the list. Your friend has means to house herself, as shit as it is. It's strange that you aren't asking why deadbeat dads get away with it, rather than why do women in a more vulnerable position get help.

It happened to me. Wealthy ex-husband took me to court repeatedly for child custody and was awarded 50/50 so nothing payable. A decade on he's in a 1.2 mil property complete with swimming pool whilst we're still in privately rented with no chance of ever owning.
It is completely abhorrent that these abusive narcs are permitted to destroy lives like this.
Still, I don't regret leaving and escaping the relentless abuse. Most of the time.

There is an option for CMS to take money from his pay before he receives it, like tax ni etc. and he gets charged extra on top.

Tell her to apply asap. It's shit. I've been a lone parent since 2017

I'd be prioritising the solicitor over the flat in this instance. Her mum seemingly has temporary space for them.

She may be better placed for a larger shared ownership property as some mortgage lenders will take court-ordered maintenance.

I don't know how she left but this is why people talk about getting "ducks in a row". Bank statements, plans to take the items with you (potentially while spouse is out), etc.

If she gets a good solicitor they may be able to get him to pay her legal fees by court order (called an LSPO), and he will have to disclose his accounts and savings. It's worth a try.

@brokenbitbybit Thing is, a true narc will apply for 50/50 so no maintenence owing.

@Ponoka7 I know, terrible isn't it, that I've basically just accepted that unless she spends thousands on a solicitor he won't pay a penny, and likely will get away with it!