To think there must be more help for a working single mum

[gemini1990]

A dear friend of mine has separated from her DH. Her decision, she's moved back in to her mums with her two very young children.

She works full time and earns circa 55k (SE England) she's having to buy a flat on the shared ownership scheme as this is literally all she can afford. She cannot afford to rent. She took 50% of the equity from the family house sale but left everything she owned in the family home and he took all of it. He's not paying her any maintenance despite him not having the kids 50% (she will go through the CSA). He's told her even if the CSA chase that he won't pay and she will have to take him to court before she gets a penny.

She can't afford a solicitor as every penny she owns is going on a deposit for her tiny flat for her and her children.

Due to her salary she's not eligible for any benefits.

It just seems so unfair. She works full time, but if she didn't, she may be eligible for a council house?!

Am I missing something??? And how do people get divorced and pay for solicitors when they have no money? Her exH cleared out the joint account when she left. He's kept all their savings, their belongings, everything.

Any advice on if we are missing something key here - from anyone who's been through it before. When she's paid all her mortgage, childcare and bills and food etc she's going to be left with next to nothing.

@Calderadust Another PA denier. Wow.
The main reasons as to why they felt him best placed for majority custody over me?
He lives in a 1.2 mil property in which both boys have a wing each. And a swimming pool. I could only offer them a rented property with a small bedroom each. The boys said (obviously as tweens) their preferred such living conditions with father. He had also told my ekdest living with us we would "get burgled and he would get attacked" as he had a room downstairs.
Furthermore, I work ft as a primary teacher whereas he owns his own business so offered more flexibility in terms of school runs/pick ups etc; they would have to wait after school or get two buses there and back when in my care and again, this is something that I was looked on unfavourably for.
Now ask me why I found myself in that incredibly difficult financial position in the first place considering I was married to their father.
Ask me why, to this day, I still don't have one baby photo of my sons.
Joint assets he claims. He kept them when he changed the locks to the marital home within 7 hours after I left for my own safety.
When I asked for at least one of each child he said no.
Ask me why, when he found out I was expecting with my now husband he told thr boys - HIGHLY OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE - I quote: "Your mum is too old to be pregnant so your half-sister is going to be born a retard."
Then come back and tell me he was acting in their best interests.
You are enabling abusers here.

I don't deny PA. I have seen it in many cases and it definitely exists. I do, however, question the authenticity of the accusation, as I said previously it is the 'go to' for many parents in denial about why their children haven't 'picked' them.
Rather than looking at their own behaviours it is easy to state 'the kids must have been turned against me.' I have seen unproven allegations of PA much more frequently than in cases where genuine allegations of alienation have been identified.

So you admit that your children said they would prefer to live with your ex. Your ex having a larger property and greater wealth isn't him actively alienating the children from you. The Court seldom takes disparity in wealth between parents into consideration, the overall wellbeing and proof of a safe suitable environment is the greatest concern to a judge. Simplified, an abuser in a mansion would not be given residency over a caring parent in a flat (after investigations had determined this.)

I can't believe any judge worth their salt would look unfavourably on the fact your children would have needed to get a school bus. Thousands do everyday. Could it be your children didn't want to use public transport and voiced this? Especially if they don't need to whilst in the care of your ex. Again this would come under the preferences/wishes of the children, not that you were specifically being penalised for not being able to provide travel to and from school yourself.

So you didn't receive a settlement upon divorce, from you wealthy ex spouse? This is highly unlikely and hard to believe.

Considering the circumstances you have outline regarding accusations PA and leaving for your own safety, there would have been a full investigation before awarding residency to your ex. So something really isn't adding up here.

What were the findings of the Psychological evaluation and Cafcass reports? Evidently they were not in your favour.

Edit: I note you have gone onto have another child with your new partner. Could this be another reason why your existing children wanted to go to their father? It is very common for children to be affected by a parent having another child with another person.

@Calderadust I have nothing further I want to say to you on this. With respect you have never met my ex-husband so you have no idea how abusive he actually was/is.
My bsrrister herself even had to take a minute out of court as she was becoming angry at his barefaced manipulation and lies; she added that in her many years of representation she had never had to do that.
Do you work for Cafcass?!!

So the independent expert reports came back and resulted in your ex gaining majority residency.
Which is more likely, a number of experienced professionals including a clinical psychologist, Cafcass officer and a judge all got it completely wrong? Or, after reviewing the hard evidence realised the children were best suited to your ex, that being their genuine wishes rather than the product of PA as you had alleged.
No I don't work for Cafcass. I am a paralegal and I see this behaviour more than I care to. The majority of PA allegations usually come from fathers who have little access, but the reasons behind why many people falsely claim alienation remains the same.

Hardly left with nothing!. She’s earning 55k which is a good wage has a flat she’s buying.
It’s her choice to have left family home , not to be proactive with family finances, CMS, or use a solicitor.
If the SE is too expensive she could move to a cheaper area.
Lot of me me me in these posts and attacks on people with benefits.
This is the reality of a conservative government and Thatchers flawed social housing policy everyone suffers.

She needs a solicitor, I’d be going for more than 50% equity since she has to house the costs too and he’s wiped the savings. She also needs to have applied for maintenance officially as they don’t backdate.

@Calderadust A paralegal. Like a secretary?

Is that an attempt to demean my status and deflect the topic away from your inability to give straight answers or tell the truth?

@Calderadust Interested. I'll take that as a yes. I really don't need interrogations from someone with zero legal qualifications who clearly has a poor understanding of the complexities of genuine parental alienation.

Your ignorance shows. I have a law degree which is something most respectable law firms expect of their paralegals. I am fully qualified to be a solicitor, I choose not to be as I prefer to work PT hours. This isn't something a solicitor could feasibly do.

I am not offering you my opinions or advice, simply pointing out the holes in your victimhood narrative. It is difficult to take ownership, but if you won't you could at least make the stories credible.

You don't accept the opinion of a Court ordered psychologist that there was no parental alienation going on, so nothing will convince you otherwise.

@Calderadust How do you know there was a Court Ordered Psychologist involved? Assuming?
Your cockiness shows.
So there's no part-time solicitors?!
A law degree doesn't make you a lawyer.

Because I know in cases where allegations of abuse and PA are going back and forth between parents, further assessments are requested. Upon looking, I have come across a thread where you mentioned neither the psychologist or Cafcass identified anything amiss with your ex. Evidently you don't accept their assessments.

I'm sure there are PT solicitors, but there aren't any in my firm and for good reason.

I never suggested having a law degree made me a lawyer, I simply outlined that your attempt to demean me was ineffective as I am fully qualified to be a lawyer, if I so chose. Have to say your snobbery in this matter is quite contradictory to the persona you portray on other posts, namely in relation to your lowly paid, poorly qualified DH of whom you allegedly don't mind earns a pittance. Considering you were quick to demean me and don't stop talking about money or what your wealthy ex owns, I'd say you obviously do have a problem with the disparity between yourself and your ex.

@Calderadust You're incredibly invested in me. Genuinely, are you OK? It's OK to ask for help 💐

@LorlieS I'm actually so invested that I knew your response would be that I am invested. Another 'go to' when you can't explain yourself or get caught in your web of contradictions and lies.
You are the one who wrote about your dead children (who just happen to be alive) and writing suicide letters because you lost at court... I suggest you seek help.... immediately.

@Calderadust Hey Naomi. PS. You're unemployed love xx

Is that someone else who has managed to pick you out despite the multiple name changes. It is easy enough.

@Calderadust You're really unwell, lovely. Like stalkerish level. It's not normal xx

Sorry not RTFT but the childrens father should be forced to pay - why should the public purse pay for him because he doesn't want to ... there should be forced payments and no benefits for parents who aren't complying

I am unwell? Because I have exposed your contradictions through your easily recognised repetitive language and style of writing. Funnily enough, I have had numerous private messages during the course of this thread saying the same thing about you. So I guess we are all stalkers? Or perhaps you spend so much of your life on here you think you are a celebrity or sorts.

@Calderadust Because you're a liar. You haven't worked for years and left school with only a handful of GCSE's.
Paralegal!! 😂
You are very poorly xx

CMS can garnish his wages if he doesn’t pay. Lots of useless exes get forced to pay that way. It means she gets less even though ge will pay more but at least she will get something. It also takes quite some time, e.g. first they work out how much he owes each month, then she reports to them every month he doesn’t pay or pays the wrong amount. Eventually they get to the point of garnishing wages. It took a year for me to start getting paid but we got there

What on Earth are you talking about. I think you think you've caught someone you know here. Do you suffer with paranoia? I don't want to goad you any further as this is taking a concerning turn.

@Calderadust 😂

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/

@LorlieS

I'm so sorry your friend is going through this. Too many people are left in this situation after divorce because solicitors cost an arm and a leg. It's crazy how they can charge so much just for a simple email. In case it helps, I was a litigant in person and had to represent myself in my divorce as I couldn't afford a solicitor but I used free help guides online which took me through the entire thing. It's 100% possible for your friend to save money this way and do it herself. That way she won't have to drain thousands of pounds to sort this out. I used this one to guide me - https://iamlip.com/. Hope this might be able to help xxx
I know a friend though who used both a solicitor and these free guides so she could do a lot of it herself e.g. forms, but I just used the free guides.
Also see if maybe there are local food banks in the area which could help her out if food costs are difficult to cover right now xxx
Wishing you, your friend and her kids the best xx You seem to be a great supportive friend to her during her difficult time right now.