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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there must be more help for a working single mum

100 replies

gemini1990 · 12/02/2024 21:39

A dear friend of mine has separated from her DH. Her decision, she's moved back in to her mums with her two very young children.

She works full time and earns circa 55k (SE England) she's having to buy a flat on the shared ownership scheme as this is literally all she can afford. She cannot afford to rent. She took 50% of the equity from the family house sale but left everything she owned in the family home and he took all of it. He's not paying her any maintenance despite him not having the kids 50% (she will go through the CSA). He's told her even if the CSA chase that he won't pay and she will have to take him to court before she gets a penny.

She can't afford a solicitor as every penny she owns is going on a deposit for her tiny flat for her and her children.

Due to her salary she's not eligible for any benefits.

It just seems so unfair. She works full time, but if she didn't, she may be eligible for a council house?!

Am I missing something??? And how do people get divorced and pay for solicitors when they have no money? Her exH cleared out the joint account when she left. He's kept all their savings, their belongings, everything.

Any advice on if we are missing something key here - from anyone who's been through it before. When she's paid all her mortgage, childcare and bills and food etc she's going to be left with next to nothing.

OP posts:
eilaka · 12/02/2024 22:11

Yes it is awful, but the clear cause of the problem is the behaviour of the dad. Not only is he the cause, he is also part of the solution - it sounds as though he’s stolen savings, part of which belonged to her and isn’t paying maintenance.

Additionally, she and her children are housed safely with her mum.

The state is severely overburdened and it is the responsibility of the dad to pay for the kids.

Original poster
gemini1990 · 12/02/2024 22:12

@SecondHandFurniture despite me urging her to get her ducks in a row she's been very naïve about the whole thing. But she's absolutely terrified of him. No physical abuse but he scares her, he's a bully. A very rich one.

OP posts:
bombastix · 12/02/2024 22:14

I don't want to scare you but men like this get worse in divorce

LorlieS · 12/02/2024 22:15

@gemini1990 Sounds like my ex-husband. His parting words to me were: "You dare leave me, you'll lose everything b**ch. Including your kids."
He was right.

SecondHandFurniture · 12/02/2024 22:16

gemini1990 · 12/02/2024 22:12

@SecondHandFurniture despite me urging her to get her ducks in a row she's been very naïve about the whole thing. But she's absolutely terrified of him. No physical abuse but he scares her, he's a bully. A very rich one.

Yes, sorry, I should have said that I meant before she left. It's a bit late now - who owns what and what he did with joint money is harder to prove.

bombastix · 12/02/2024 22:16

If rich, she could get interim maintenance but she needs financial records and a solicitor to do it. Don't let her be ignorant, he could be made to pay during the divorce proceedings and she would survive and rebuild. If she won't think of herself then impress on her that it's for the children. It really is

PrincessTeaSet · 12/02/2024 22:17

AnEmbarrasmentofWitches · 12/02/2024 21:48

Yes, I think this is what they call the ‘squeezed middle’. Work full time, make a reasonable salary but not eligible for any help.

It’s absolutely shit. it’s shit both ways - the state shouldn’t be propping up businesses who can make more money buy paying crap salaries, and it is also shit for those who get no help and are making decent money but still can’t afford to live.

Wages should be enough for anyone working full time to rent or buy a house, heat it and feed their family.

50k is not a crap salary. I don't really understand how she is so skint on that income

LorlieS · 12/02/2024 22:18

@bombastix The issue is getting financial records. Her ex has likely hidden/"squirrelled" all assets. My ex-husband was a Chartered Accountant; I simply didn't stand a chance.

AnEmbarrasmentofWitches · 12/02/2024 22:19

PrincessTeaSet · 12/02/2024 22:17

50k is not a crap salary. I don't really understand how she is so skint on that income

Show quote history

Yeah, sorry, I wasn’t clear. I was trying to say that many are paid a crap salary and the state have to top that up to enable people to live.

brokenbitbybit · 12/02/2024 22:21

@LorlieS very true, although threatening to apply for 50/50 and actually going through with it are two different things

My ex was going to take my son, get custody and all that shit...that didn't work out as he thought!

Babyroobs · 12/02/2024 22:23

She is on a decent salary and has enough equity from the sale of the maritial home to get a shared ownership property so she is doing ok. Most people have to accept a lower standard of living post break up unfortunately. The problem here is him not paying CM, hopefully that will be resolved once she goes through CMS. As others have said she could put her name down for social housing but is unlikely to be a priority if she is able to buy part share of a flat or has her mum to live with for now.

cadburyegg · 12/02/2024 22:24

I just got divorced. She needs to sit tight, not panic and get legal advice.

My advice would be to see if she can stay at her mums for a bit longer if at all possible. (Appreciate it may not be). You say the equity was split 50/50, this is a starting point but a good solicitor will be able to argue that, unless child care will be split 50/50, she should be entitled to more being as she has primary care of the children and therefore needs more than 50% of the equity. This is another good reason for waiting before buying. If she thinks he is hiding assets and there was financial abuse going on then a solicitor can assist in ensuring there is full financial disclosure which means both parties will be forced to declare all assets.

She can make an application online for divorce at any point. From memory the fee is £500ish. Her husband does not have to agree to it for it to go ahead. The next step after that is to apply for a conditional order but she has to wait 20 weeks after applying before she can do that. This will hopefully give her time to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. A solicitor will be able to draw up a financial consent order which will detail the assets and how they will be split. This is hugely important particularly in cases like this where finances have not been transparent. Again a good solicitor will push for a clean break where neither party can claim off the other at a later date.

After the conditional order has been granted then she has to wait around 6 weeks before applying for the final order. Granting a final order ends the marriage. She should not apply for the final order until the finances have been agreed as above. It is possible to agree finances after this, but it becomes more difficult.

Separate to this is child maintenance. The courts will not get involved in child maintenance so she does not need to see a solicitor to do this. The only thing that is legally binding is going through CMS. She should do this asap if he is being difficult because it will take the CMS a few weeks to work out an amount and get the first payment. If he has a reasonably paid job and is employed (not self employed) it should be fairly straightforward but she may need to be on their case. If he starts missing payments she can ask for the money to be collected directly from his salary/bank account (can’t remember which). Again, she will need to keep on top of it if he is difficult about it. The CMS currently charge £20 for an application but at the end of the month this will be phased out.

Good luck to her.

Original poster
gemini1990 · 12/02/2024 22:24

Yes I knew what you meant @SecondHandFurniture don't worry. I knew ahead of time she was going to leave him but she seemed a bit rabbit in headlights and didn't listen when I told her she needed to protect herself.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 12/02/2024 22:25

She can take her ID and go to the bank to ask for copies of statements (she may need to pay a small fee) and then she should have an idea of what money was in what accounts (unless they weren't in joint names).

Some solicitors will provide a free hour and legal advice is definitely what she needs right now.

Moier · 12/02/2024 22:26

Get half hour Free solicitor's advice..
He will be made to pay and be back paid..
Also She's entitled to half the house contents.
It's on average a 6 year waiting list for a council house ..( although many are now classed as housing association not council).

SecondHandFurniture · 12/02/2024 22:26

It's pretty easy to be skint on a salary of £55k in the South East with 2 "very young children" as the OP says. That's about £3,400 take home. Average rent in the SE (shared ownership requires a rental payment and hefty service charge as well as mortgage payment) is £1,300ish. Add in nursery for 2 at approx £70 a day in that area, energy bills, food, council tax/water/insurances/travel to work and deductions for student loan and pension.

GettingBetter2024 · 12/02/2024 22:28

55 is above average though? More than lots of 2 parent 2 kid families are on....

HangingOnJustAbout · 12/02/2024 22:29

Assuming he's salaried CMS can have it paid directly.

Is she getting divorced? Get that done ASAP to split assets including the savings he's squirrelled away.

She's on a good salary, lots of 2 parent household will be on similar. It's shameful that the cost of living means people can't live on that any more.

Original poster
gemini1990 · 12/02/2024 22:29

Yeah I'm on Mat leave now, just outside M25, DH earns 50k ish and we are broke - doesn't go far around here at all.

OP posts:
FirstTimeMum887 · 12/02/2024 22:29

Not paying for a solicitor is a false economy. You should advise her to pay for one because they'll get her a lot more money and save her having to communicate with ex.

Original poster
gemini1990 · 12/02/2024 22:30

Our nursery is £90 a day for context which is the norm where we are.

OP posts:
bombastix · 12/02/2024 22:33

Look if he's rich then you don't go via CMS. You go to court. You can get an order for maintenance and keep it there. She needs a lawyer. Even a joint account can be reasonable evidence of income and lifestyle. But you have to assert the right to it. The court will award it.

The state otherwise doesn't care; there are many people worse off than your friend. She can fight for her kids. It will make a difference to their lives if she does.

Pigglyplaystruant99 · 12/02/2024 22:35

BCBird · 12/02/2024 21:48

We should be publically shaming those people who won't pay for their children. A billboard outside his house or local.pub would be ideal

So do I. Especially the ones who leave a PAYE job and go self employed thus claiming no income.

Pigglyplaystruant99 · 12/02/2024 22:36

May be a long shot, but sometimes you can ask a local University if they have any Law students who would be willing to represent her for a reduced fee?

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