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AIBU?

I just like to sleep by myself - H not happy

87 replies

kitchenett · 12/02/2024 07:37

I have suffered from insomnia for many years.

My H needs to be up early for work. His job is physical and he gets tired.

So what started happening, many years ago now - perhaps 10 years ago- when we moved in, is that I would be trying to get to sleep and he'd get frustrated by my tossing and turning and looking at my phone. Or getting out of bed, back into bed etc. I used to really disturb him.

So I started sleeping on the sofa. I would start off sleeping next to him, but when I would inevitably be woken by my insomnia a couple of hours later, I would go to the sofa or spare room and just do whatever I like, until I could get back to sleep.

Then I was pregnant and the insomnia was even worse. So I continued. Then baby 1 came and as there was a lot of night time description, I moved out of the bed room to do all the nights, so he could sleep.

After that, I just kind of started co-sleeping with baby 1, as I was pregnant again and baby 1 was sick a lot. Baby 2 came along and I again took care of him on my own every night.

My babies are 2 and 4 now. They do need me there to fall asleep, but they sleep well, unless they're ill. But I don't really sleep in our bed anymore. I just sleep near them or in the spare room.

To be honest I like sleeping by myself. But H absolutely hates me for it and thinks I'm setting a bad example to the kids. He says it's also why he doesn't do nights and mornings. He said he would do it if I slept in bed with him.

Most of the time, what happens is that I go to put the kids to sleep and I literally just fall asleep with them and end up waking up there. I'm really really tired most of the time. I work full time and do all the nursery runs etc and dinners and wake ups and everything else for them.

OP posts:
Maybeicanhelpyou · 12/02/2024 07:41

It may work practically for the kids, but it can’t be good for your relationship going forward. I do think your husband is right. Ultimately the kids leave home, they don’t really look back. Then you only have each other. You need to work positively on your relationship always.

If by not sleeping with the kids, he says he’ll share the load, you have to take that as a win, and a small step to rebalancing the share of responsibilities moving on as the get older.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 12/02/2024 07:42

This isn't just about sleep/where you sleep is it?

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess you do most of the housework too. What's his excuse for why he is exempt from that too?

you sound exhausted and fed up.

Pigeonqueen · 12/02/2024 07:44

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 12/02/2024 07:42

This isn't just about sleep/where you sleep is it?

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess you do most of the housework too. What's his excuse for why he is exempt from that too?

you sound exhausted and fed up.

Yep. This.

Sodndashitall · 12/02/2024 07:48

There's a podcast out at the moment with a sleep expert ... and they literally endorse sleeping apart as a good thing for relationships! I couldn't cope with sharing a bed full time with my OH (luckily he lives apart so I don't have to). I simply sleep a lot better by myself. Which is totally normal. Most people do sleep better solo!

Cocacolacarrie · 12/02/2024 07:48

Maybeicanhelpyou · 12/02/2024 07:41

It may work practically for the kids, but it can’t be good for your relationship going forward. I do think your husband is right. Ultimately the kids leave home, they don’t really look back. Then you only have each other. You need to work positively on your relationship always.

If by not sleeping with the kids, he says he’ll share the load, you have to take that as a win, and a small step to rebalancing the share of responsibilities moving on as the get older.

Edited

Why is it not good for a relationship to not sleep in the same bed? I really don't understand that logic. People are still more than capable of having sex with each other without going to sleep together. As OP has proven, seeing as she has managed to have two babies while this has been going on.

What other magical intimacy happens when you close your eyes and don't interact with each other for 8 hours?

TakeitawayMichelle · 12/02/2024 07:53

Of course it's good for your relationship to have separate bedrooms (or at the very least sleep apart). Sleep deprivation for any reason is torture. Most of my friends sleep apart from their other halves and they ALL think it's great. In the case of 2 with a partner who snores, it's saved their marriage.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 12/02/2024 07:55

Maybeicanhelpyou · 12/02/2024 07:41

It may work practically for the kids, but it can’t be good for your relationship going forward. I do think your husband is right. Ultimately the kids leave home, they don’t really look back. Then you only have each other. You need to work positively on your relationship always.

If by not sleeping with the kids, he says he’ll share the load, you have to take that as a win, and a small step to rebalancing the share of responsibilities moving on as the get older.

Edited

I would bet the house that absolutely nothing will substantially change in terms of his input into the domestic routines of the household even if OP sacrifices what is left of her sleep to his wants (and what he wants is to try and get his leg over more).

If he gave a shit about her then he should be pitching in to help with the children regardless of where she sleeps.

why is only the OP having to capitulate in your post? Why isn't he having to help more for the sake of maintaining the relationship?

MonsterSister · 12/02/2024 07:57

My parents said that separate bedrooms (and two different TVs) were the secret of their long marriage.
That was at their diamond wedding celebration.

phoenixrosehere · 12/02/2024 08:02

I don’t think yabu and he is making excuses.

What does he expect is going to happen when you return to the bed and do the same things you were that irritated him in the first place.

Nothing is stopping him from helping out as he should but him.

Many married couples, children and no children, sleep apart. I sleep in the spare room and DH in the master because I’m a light sleeper, he’s a deep sleeper and his snoring keeps me awake. I hear him get up and use the en-suite and his snoring in the spare room but it is obviously lessened instead of being next to him. Me not being in the same bed does not stop him from getting our 3 mo when she wakes up and I’m on the school run or busy doing something else, getting the 6 and 9 yo ready for bed and making them breakfast in the morning and taking one to school.

He’s making excuses, simple as that.

Maybeicanhelpyou · 12/02/2024 08:02

I’m not suggesting to have to sleep together just to have sex!
But for closeness, to talk, to share your day, especially if there isn’t time when you’re up and about running around after kids.
Clearly @kitchenett is unhappy, but someone has to make the first move. I know you’ll all say he should as she’s already doing everything. But life’s not always like that. Sometimes you have to make a change to make a change.

kitchenett · 12/02/2024 08:02

I totally get that it really works for some people.

But it really doesn't work for him. He really resents me for it, in fact. He's very traditional.

OP posts:
Maybeicanhelpyou · 12/02/2024 08:04

@kitchenett and that’s why it’s worth a try

Dancingontheedge · 12/02/2024 08:04

My husband is still alive because we sleep apart.
The snoring. It got worse in his early 50s.
Until I decided to move because I was fantasising about smothering him in his sleep. I’d wake up several times in the night, enraged. Then I’d have to go to work, sleep-deprived.
Separate is so much better.

Daylightsavingscrime · 12/02/2024 08:05

So he huffs and puffs when you toss and turn/check your phone but he’s angry if you sleep in another room.

Not easily pleased is he?

TwilightSkies · 12/02/2024 08:05

Traditional? Or sexist, selfish, mean?

Sodndashitall · 12/02/2024 08:05

Get him to listen to the podcast ! Rangan Chatterjee Feel Better Live more on your podcast app of choice.

NonPlayerCharacter · 12/02/2024 08:07

kitchenett · 12/02/2024 08:02

I totally get that it really works for some people.

But it really doesn't work for him. He really resents me for it, in fact. He's very traditional.

What else is he "traditional" about?

JustJoinedRightNow · 12/02/2024 08:09

Maybeicanhelpyou · 12/02/2024 07:41

It may work practically for the kids, but it can’t be good for your relationship going forward. I do think your husband is right. Ultimately the kids leave home, they don’t really look back. Then you only have each other. You need to work positively on your relationship always.

If by not sleeping with the kids, he says he’ll share the load, you have to take that as a win, and a small step to rebalancing the share of responsibilities moving on as the get older.

Edited

Sorry but I disagree - you won't be at your best when you're not having a good sleep. He won't be at his best when he's constantly being interrupted by your sleep patterns.
OP my DH and I sleep separately and honestly it was the best thing we ever did.
I hope you are able to make him see the benefits. Good luck.

CrunchyCarrot · 12/02/2024 08:10

Your DH only seems to be thinking of himself, and what is this 'setting a bad example for the kids' about?

There have been threads on MN about how many people sleep separately at night and there's loads of couples who do this, usually because one or both snore or they disturb each other in some way.

Without enough sleep you won't be fit for anything, OP.

kitchenett · 12/02/2024 08:14

He just thinks husband and wife should sleep in the same bed and the kids should see that they do, because that's marriage.

He thinks there is shame in sleeping separately and it means there's not a good marriage there.

He has memories of sneaking into bed with his parents- both of them and he just doesn't think ' it's right ' for kids to not have the experience of their parents sleeping in the same bed.

OP posts:
Sodndashitall · 12/02/2024 08:16

Sleep deprivation is torture!

You could stop being considerate and then disturb him with your insomnia. Get up, be noisy, move around. He'll probably ask ypu to sleep elsewhere after a few nights!

MollyButton · 12/02/2024 08:16

I would suggest maybe some marriage counselling but overall if he is so rigid in his thinking and it's his way or the highway then I'd be seriously be considering the state of the marriage.
Traditionally couples have often slept separately. (Most Kings and Queens).

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 12/02/2024 08:19

He thinks there is shame in sleeping separately and it means there's not a good marriage there

Is it a good marriage? All I get from your posts is exhaustion, resentment and resignation.

TheDowdyQueen · 12/02/2024 08:22

He says it's also why he doesn't do nights and mornings. He said he would do it if I slept in bed with him.

This is just an excuse. And, as we see so often on here, has more than a hint of him thinking doing nights and mornings is something he would do for YOU. It's not. It's part of being a father and (should be) sod all to do with how he feels about you.

But your sleeping pattern sounds unhealthy (to me). I can't imagine getting a decent night's sleep on the sofa or just falling asleep wherever I happen to be. Are you sure that's not part of why you are so tired?

phoenixrosehere · 12/02/2024 08:26

kitchenett · 12/02/2024 08:14

He just thinks husband and wife should sleep in the same bed and the kids should see that they do, because that's marriage.

He thinks there is shame in sleeping separately and it means there's not a good marriage there.

He has memories of sneaking into bed with his parents- both of them and he just doesn't think ' it's right ' for kids to not have the experience of their parents sleeping in the same bed.

So he rather you sleep-deprived for the sake of tradition?

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