I just like to sleep by myself - H not happy

[kitchenett]

I have suffered from insomnia for many years.

My H needs to be up early for work. His job is physical and he gets tired.

So what started happening, many years ago now - perhaps 10 years ago- when we moved in, is that I would be trying to get to sleep and he'd get frustrated by my tossing and turning and looking at my phone. Or getting out of bed, back into bed etc. I used to really disturb him.

So I started sleeping on the sofa. I would start off sleeping next to him, but when I would inevitably be woken by my insomnia a couple of hours later, I would go to the sofa or spare room and just do whatever I like, until I could get back to sleep.

Then I was pregnant and the insomnia was even worse. So I continued. Then baby 1 came and as there was a lot of night time description, I moved out of the bed room to do all the nights, so he could sleep.

After that, I just kind of started co-sleeping with baby 1, as I was pregnant again and baby 1 was sick a lot. Baby 2 came along and I again took care of him on my own every night.

My babies are 2 and 4 now. They do need me there to fall asleep, but they sleep well, unless they're ill. But I don't really sleep in our bed anymore. I just sleep near them or in the spare room.

To be honest I like sleeping by myself. But H absolutely hates me for it and thinks I'm setting a bad example to the kids. He says it's also why he doesn't do nights and mornings. He said he would do it if I slept in bed with him.

Most of the time, what happens is that I go to put the kids to sleep and I literally just fall asleep with them and end up waking up there. I'm really really tired most of the time. I work full time and do all the nursery runs etc and dinners and wake ups and everything else for them.

Could you explain that you are exhausted from 4 years of poor sleep and need to get yourself back in a healthy state before you start trying to work out how to sleep in the same bed again? And therefore if he could just do 50% of the nights, the housework, the nursery runs, the daytime childcare, the cooking etc etc that would help you to feel normal again. And then once that's established you'll be able to start setting the kids that good example ....
You are fortunate to have that spare room. I'd be moving in there and making it nice and comfortable because you might be waiting a while for him to step up and do 50% of the parenting and housework.

DH and I have just restarted sharing the bed after many years of pregnancy/insomnia/small kid issues very similar to you. And my kids are now 8 and 5! At your stage there was still a lot of disruption at night. I feel it’s brought us a lot closer, so I would advocate for it in that way, but equally we’ve only done it when it’s felt doable for us both and it just didn’t before. I do understand your DH concern in some ways as my kids were calling the spare room ‘daddy’s room’ and I thought that was a bit weird. But that’s probably just an internalised idea of not being ‘normal’ and not wanting others to know. But like others I don’t like the tone of your DHs resentment. How is the relationship otherwise?

If you keep him awake then why would he want to share a bed with you? Tradition seems a weird reason Op, why do his DC need to see you in bed together?
It may be just me but men seem much more invested in bed sharing, I can't help but think it's sex related.

Even if not sex related, it’s male comfort related. He wants you to lie quietly in his bed while he sleeps, rather like you do for your DC.

No interest in the quality of your sleep.

Point out how bad it is for children when dad never helps them at night, doesn’t do his share of running the house and family, doesn’t behave like a dad.

There's no 'should' about it.
People who have big enough houses have had separate bedrooms for centuries, look at any 'stately home'!

I've had a separate bedroom for over 20 years, still happily married. DD has turned out just fine.

What should happen in a marriage is mutual respect for each other and in particular for their needs. Sounds like you really need decent sleep OP, and if your DH is putting a silly idea about what couples 'should' do above that he's being an idiot. Of course couples do need time together for intimacy and comfort but that doesn't mean having to spend the whole night sleeping (or lying awake not sleeping!) together

I and most of my friends either have separate
bedrooms or one person regularly sleeps in guest bedrooms. Great marriages all round. I wouldn't have survived with the lack of sleep and neither would our marriage. Your DH doesn't sound like he's thinking of you at all.

He hates you for both of you having better sleep?

You moved out because he was disturbed right?

I cannot sleep in the same room as someone else, let alone the same bed. We've been together for 20 years and both of us enjoy the better sleep as I just cannot sleep if someone else is making snoring and breathing noises.

Totally agree with this

Is it making a change to return back to the original set-up that had them sleeping apart in the first place?

OP is still going to be getting up and likely tossing and turning again having to return back to the bed. I guess she could to remind him why they sleep apart in the first place. Him saying he will help out when he isn’t doing it in the first place, doesn’t mean he will actually do it and seems like a reason to bait OP into doing what he wants, but also sounds like he knows he could be doing more and OP needs help but only wants to if it benefits him.

No, but someone has to make the first move, he’s made a suggestion/ expressed he’s unhappy and what he’d like changed. She can go with that make modifications, put in conditions as she wants obviously. But if she does nothing they’re at stale mate, and will get nowhere

So once again it is up to OP to do something. He expressed his unhappiness but has not thought of his own wife in this whatsoever except to say he will help her with THEIR children if she does what he wants.

Actions speak louder than words and considering he has not even tried from the sounds of things to help with his own children and sees how tired his wife is, shows he’s not really thinking about his children or his wife but himself.

It shouldn’t be transactional for him to help his wife with their children.

Can you have twin beds instead of double bed in the room?

Kids don't care if their parents sleep in the same bed. If he wants them to understand what a good marriage is, he should step up and stop leaving everything to you. Stupid man.

My mum had years of insomnia and put up with sleeping next to my dad for years because she felt it was traditional. They finally ended up buying twin beds but put together - they now sleep the best they've ever slept!! Still in the same room and next to eachother, just on their own mattresses and duvets!

He says it's also why he doesn't do nights and mornings. He said he would do it if I slept in bed with him.

Raging bollocks that’s why he actively chooses not to parent his young children at night or in the morning. He’s incredibly selfish.

You know what children need? Parents who work well as a team. You’re on your own doing everything while he criticises you and makes your life harder. Twat.

There is no such thing as a normal marriage. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors as the song goes. Point out the positives, you both get a decent night's sleep, you don't disturb each other during the night or in the morning and good sleep is the key to better health and general well being.
You can still have intimacy and romance in your marriage you just go off to your beds after. You might have guessed that me and my partner sleep in separate rooms and have done for years, wouldn't have it any other way

It's only traditional to sleep in the same bed historically in circumstances where there was no space for separate bedrooms.

Whenever people have been wealthy enough to have separate rooms they do so!

For very good reasons.

it can’t be good for your relationship going forward

Utter tosh. With the exception of holidays DH and I haven't shared a bedroom for 20 years.

There is a reason sleep deprivation is used a torture technique. Everyone should be entitled to a decent nights sleep.

He says it's also why he doesn't do nights and mornings. He said he would do it if I slept in bed with him.

Also utter tosh.

Tbh he sounds controlling. He wants to dictate where you sleep and how you sleep? That'll be a no from me.

Do you have space in your room for 2 single beds? DH and I have discussed this from a practicality point of view because we'd like to use the spare room for something else, but when we share a bed we disturb each other (he snores and I am a toss and turner!)

So- I would do x (that is my actual job as a parent) if you’d do y (while getting annoyed at you and you ending up exhausted and unhappy) but by massive coincidence, y is what suits me and x is what doesn’t.

Sounds like a lose-lose for you, and a win-win for him. Total crap.

My DH wouldn’t move into the spare temporarily when we had tiny babies. He also had a demanding job so I didn’t expect him to get up during the night (all three were breastfed anyway) and I’m a light sleeper and he’s not, but I co-slept and it would have been a lot easier/felt safer if he hadn’t been there.

All of them were nocturnal for long phases and I could have really been a lot less unhappy if I could have put the tv on while I was awake for hours. And I used to have to arrange myself in a really uncomfortable way to ensure DCs were safe, I slept like a croissant at the bottom of the bed with no duvet and braced my feet against him so he wouldn’t roll and smother them. He also snores like a train and once they were fed and asleep I was often left wide awake wishing he’d shut up.

He had no reason for not moving, he just wouldn’t. He took the ‘couples should sleep together’ line as well. Didn’t do our relationship any good, it was just selfishness dressed up as wanting to be ‘together.’ His chances of having sex would have been greatly increased by helping me not be tense and exhausted after a night spent keeping everyone else safe/asleep.

Nowadays I’d just insist he moved, as it’s very clear to me that the one doing the night shift should get to choose how they do it. I’d be questioning why I should capitulate and lie there trying not to wake a man who can’t do the minimum for his own kids.

You don't have to sleep in the same bed and that doesn't mean giving up anything. You can get in the bed together, have a chat, do whatever then go to your own bed. You don't need to lie next to each other overnight in order to be close.

There's a compromise to be had here. Sleeping does not have to be a team sport. You can agree to head up to bed together, cuddle, chat, sex, whatever. Then afterwards, when those needs have been met, head to your own bed.

DH and I sleep in separate rooms. Our cleaner said she was surprised we didn’t start sooner (we’re mid 40s) as most of her clients do.

That's terrible. He also refused to move. Even when I was pregnant / recovering from 2 c sections, twice with newborns. I always moved.

Our bed is the most comfortable bed in the house, yet I always moved to the less comfortable one. He refuses to move because he can't sleep anywhere else.

I would go back into your room with him and I would not hold back on any of the insomnia fidgeting, get up and down as much as the kids, do everything you need to do to sleep ignoring your partners needs. Do that for 2 or 3 nights and then go back to your normal routine and say see isn't this better. You're more rested, I'm more rested can we drop this traditional nonsense. If this suggestion fills you with utter fear this is where your problem really is. It is with a partner willfully neglecting your needs and you feel dreadful about pushing your needs to the front and you have a partner problem and not a sleeping arrangement problem

I have had insomnia on and off for years. I snore like a walrus, we have a 3yo who doesn't sleep well. Often one of us ends up on the sofa or spare room to get some rest. My in-laws do similar due to combination of insomnia and snoring. All of my European friends think Brits are weird for having double beds and all have two singles pushed together with their own preference of mattresses and their own duvets so if they need they can pull them apart for better sleep and also no arguments about who has all the covers

He's a selfish wanker. It's all about him and his needs. While he them punishes you for not meeting his needs by refusing to patent his own kids. I'd LTB and sleep where you chose after all he's not actually being a partner anyway.

I don't think it's good in a marriage to have separate bedrooms. I've only ever heard of very old people doing this. Your DH is telling you that he wants you back in with him AND that he will help more with the kids waking up, if you are in bed together, so I would give it a try. My DH and I like spooning for part of the night, and then if you wake up together there's pillow talk, not to mention the obvious.