I just like to sleep by myself - H not happy

[kitchenett]

I have suffered from insomnia for many years.

My H needs to be up early for work. His job is physical and he gets tired.

So what started happening, many years ago now - perhaps 10 years ago- when we moved in, is that I would be trying to get to sleep and he'd get frustrated by my tossing and turning and looking at my phone. Or getting out of bed, back into bed etc. I used to really disturb him.

So I started sleeping on the sofa. I would start off sleeping next to him, but when I would inevitably be woken by my insomnia a couple of hours later, I would go to the sofa or spare room and just do whatever I like, until I could get back to sleep.

Then I was pregnant and the insomnia was even worse. So I continued. Then baby 1 came and as there was a lot of night time description, I moved out of the bed room to do all the nights, so he could sleep.

After that, I just kind of started co-sleeping with baby 1, as I was pregnant again and baby 1 was sick a lot. Baby 2 came along and I again took care of him on my own every night.

My babies are 2 and 4 now. They do need me there to fall asleep, but they sleep well, unless they're ill. But I don't really sleep in our bed anymore. I just sleep near them or in the spare room.

To be honest I like sleeping by myself. But H absolutely hates me for it and thinks I'm setting a bad example to the kids. He says it's also why he doesn't do nights and mornings. He said he would do it if I slept in bed with him.

Most of the time, what happens is that I go to put the kids to sleep and I literally just fall asleep with them and end up waking up there. I'm really really tired most of the time. I work full time and do all the nursery runs etc and dinners and wake ups and everything else for them.

My partner probably sleeps in the spare room 80-90% of the time.

We have completely different preferences when it comes to environment for sleep, so it just works for us.

Sometimes he starts the night in with me and will move to the spare room when he wakes, sometimes he just goes straight to the spare room.

We've been told it's weird many times, and have tried to compromise with the main bedroom so that it meets both our needs - bigger bed, low tog duvet etc, but now we just go with what works on any particular night.

The option is there for us to both have a good night sleep, so we take it.

Sleep is so precious. Getting a good night's sleep should be the top of people's health goals. It is not just about tiredness, it's restorative, it's when the body starts repairs itself. My husband snores and even with me wearing earplugs, sometimes it is unbearable. I often get up and sleep on the sofa. If I am ill I just sleep on the sofa from the get go because I need that sleep. (My OH does offer to go on the sofa, he isn't selfish, but I sleep well on the sofa.) If we go away and we are in a queen sized bed, it is so much better. He is not snoring in my ear so it doesn't wake me up. If we had the room a huge bed would be top of the list.

Last night I had 8 hours solid sleep, in bed, with OH beside me. Rare, but bloody marvellous when you realise how much good quality sleep I have had. It literally makes you feel like a new person.

Go back to bed with him, make sure he does at least half the night wake-ups and early mornings.

That's awful.

I'm currently sat up in our comfy master bed because like you, I have been cosleeping, so needed the space and comfort.

My husband has been relegated to the uncomfortable second bed, and is slowly migrating back in since our son has migrated to his cot. He's been on call via Alexa the whole time he's been out, and he's used the extra sleep to do the vast majority of household chores. I only do chores when I fancy cooking rather than wrangling the baby.

It's one thing for him to miss you (and I understand why your movements would annoy him because we hate when the other is disturbed in bed).

It's a whole other thing to choose his own comfort over that of his wife and children.

You seems to be ignoring all the other questions about whether he shares the household workload or not? I think that makes a difference into how hard you should compromise with sleeping in the same bed. But sleep is absolutely crucial for running a household. If your exhausted you won't function and he needs to take steps to help with that!

Sounds very selfish (and sexist). He's "The Boss" of the house and gets to dictate the rules.

Me and DH have had our own bedrooms for years. I couldn't handle the snoring any more so I sat him down and said it was the only solution. He wasn't happy about it, but soon got used to it and now is totally with me about separate rooms. It didn't affect our sex life and we have a very happy marriage.

He also thinks that a man demanding to share a bed with his wife is an old-fashioned sexist trope about "it's my right to sleep with my wife".

This is dreadful, it truly is. Your bar for men must be in the sewer.
This twat is saying he is justified in doing sod all for his own children as long as his wife is doing what she needs to do to sleep.
I'd not be wistfully thinking about the distant future with this man and how wonderful it could be if only I would cave into unreasonable demands and ultimatums.
I'd be issuing a ultimatum of my own.

Me and hubby sleep in separate beds. It started when I was pregnant and would wake frequently in the night and his snoring kept me awake. He felt awful that I was pregnant and not getting sleep so he would keep waking up asking if he was snoring. It wasn’t working for either of us. That was over 5 years ago and we’re still in separate beds. I had a real issue with it at the beginning but it’s the only way to ensure we all get sleep and our daughter sleeps with me now anyway. It’s saved my sanity.

I’m reading this (slightly enviously tbh) and wishing we had a 4 bedroomed house!!
I co slept with both of my DS’s and DH would sleep in one of the other rooms. I much preferred to sleep with the kids due to DH coughing, sniffing, snoring and fidgeting!! The DS’s are older now and I’m back sharing with DH and the bloody dog! DH still snores, sniffs, coughs and fidgets and the dog is 24 kg of muscle and likes to lie pressed against my back or across my legs. I woke up early hours for a wee one morning and in my just awoken confusion thought I’d lost the use of my legs!! The big lump of a dog was lying across my ankles!!

That's terrible. He also refused to move. Even when I was pregnant / recovering from 2 c sections, twice with newborns. I always moved.

The men I read about on here are such unbelievably selfish pricks.

Tell him cosleeping and boobs are for kids!

I think the ideal for a long term relationship is having separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms, separate kitchens...

I only sleep in the same bed with OH when on holidays. But it had better be a super duper uber King size bed or else! Different rooms at home.

We are both very happy with this and see no problems or issues with it at all. Plenty of time for intimate times and we laugh when either of us hears the other's footsteps on the landing going from one room to the other for fun times.

If it's not for you then that's ok, but unless you give it a try you'll never know. I think a lot of the reluctance comes from men's insecurities and hang ups and lack of immediate sex when they want it. I know that can work both ways, but let's face it most of the time it's testosterone time.