I just like to sleep by myself - H not happy

[kitchenett]

I have suffered from insomnia for many years.

My H needs to be up early for work. His job is physical and he gets tired.

So what started happening, many years ago now - perhaps 10 years ago- when we moved in, is that I would be trying to get to sleep and he'd get frustrated by my tossing and turning and looking at my phone. Or getting out of bed, back into bed etc. I used to really disturb him.

So I started sleeping on the sofa. I would start off sleeping next to him, but when I would inevitably be woken by my insomnia a couple of hours later, I would go to the sofa or spare room and just do whatever I like, until I could get back to sleep.

Then I was pregnant and the insomnia was even worse. So I continued. Then baby 1 came and as there was a lot of night time description, I moved out of the bed room to do all the nights, so he could sleep.

After that, I just kind of started co-sleeping with baby 1, as I was pregnant again and baby 1 was sick a lot. Baby 2 came along and I again took care of him on my own every night.

My babies are 2 and 4 now. They do need me there to fall asleep, but they sleep well, unless they're ill. But I don't really sleep in our bed anymore. I just sleep near them or in the spare room.

To be honest I like sleeping by myself. But H absolutely hates me for it and thinks I'm setting a bad example to the kids. He says it's also why he doesn't do nights and mornings. He said he would do it if I slept in bed with him.

Most of the time, what happens is that I go to put the kids to sleep and I literally just fall asleep with them and end up waking up there. I'm really really tired most of the time. I work full time and do all the nursery runs etc and dinners and wake ups and everything else for them.

It’s also very difficult to say to your spouse I NEED THIS BED SEE YA LATER when they don’t want to go, so you work round it as I did, or decamp as you did. You end up feeling like you’re the one in the wrong because they’re the great protector of The Correct Way To Sleep As a Couple (and your DH is trying to consolidate that by punishing you with his inaction).

Nowadays I’d argue a good marriage is about both people trying to make the other person’s life better, not enforcing their own preferences at the other’s expense. It’s got to be teamwork, or the consequences make themselves felt sooner or later (resentment kills intimacy faster than sleeping separately). He’d be a sensible man to listen.

If you've been reading the thread, you will now have heard of it.

I struggled for years due to man getting offended. Now I take a stand sleep separately and I'm soo much better rested and happier which is better for a relationship anyway.

We sleep separately, our relationship is fine. I'd be more concerned @kitchenett is doing everything else.

What a load of shit 💩

OP, he's a fucking dickhead. He's saying he'll actually be a parent if you sleep in bed with him, a situation that doesn't suit either of you? And he's left you with the most uncomfortable bed in the house while you've done all the night shift all these years?

Tell him you don't care if he resents you, this is how it's going to be because getting enough rest while running round and doing way more than your share of parenting is more important than whatever bullshit traditional views he holds.

Then get yourself a lovely comfortable bed for the spare room and move in there.

Well, he's a peach, ain't he? So he's withholding parenting as a punishment for you not sleeping in the marital bed. So entirely fucked up.

Ditch him. Less laundry, less cooking, less grief, comfier bed. What's not to love?

Your husband sounds terrible OP I’m sorry but he really does, so you work full time have two little ones all the meal times drops offs pick ups and the house to run and take care of and he does what exactly moan that you don’t share a bed because you suffer with insomnia which is no doubt partly caused by stress because you are doing everything for everyone, do you ever get any time to yourself apart from in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep.

My husband is a terrible snorer. We sleep separately. Hubby is in spare room. But he only sleeps there. All his clothes etc. are in our room and he showers in our en-suite and gets ready there. Kids are teens and we have had to discuss this with them as my son would refer to the spare room as Dads room🙈 We explained that we loved each other and just needed to sleep well each night to work/function and that we are very much married. Think it is important for kids to know that. You need to sleep and think it very unfair of your other half to put you through this guilt trip. He should be helping you way more too!

Organise a weekend away from home with the girls and leave him to take care of the kids. A weekend of sleep deprivation for him will make him see why you drop off anywhere else but the marital bed! Also tell him that you getting a decent night's sleep makes you able to cope with the day ahead. If he needs you to share a bed he needs to share the kids nocturnal activities too by getting up and soothing them back to sleep without waking you....night about.,. Or sleep shifts where one does early ( till midnight)) and the other does lates ( midnight till morning)Or let you sleep where you drop and not complain.

My DH hates that we sleep apart as well, he takes it so personally, but he snores, I wake at 4am most nights. We just can't sleep in the same room.

I’m sure an awful lot of men would love to decamp to the spare room too.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Why is it up to op? She's already doing everything for her kids! Didn't you see this?

I'm really really tired most of the time. I work full time and do all the nursery runs etc and dinners and wake ups and everything else for the kids

Her h is a selfish bellend who's trying to guilt op into sleeping in bed with him before he will consider doing his fair share of looking after his own children. Yuk.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 FFS

I wouldn't want to sleep next to him for his crap attitude in the first place op

@CollagenQueen I wouldn't want a DH who "told me" what to do about anything personally

He should be parenting his own children without putting stipulations on his wife

Husband and I sleep in separate rooms. I snore and he snores. I need my space inc the dog. It works for us .

He'd be parenting his own children if you split so he might as well start practising now

Ditch him. Less laundry, less cooking, less grief, comfier bed. What's not to love?

Exactly!

Life is great without some idiot man around the house who treats you like a hired help.

And yes, I have a child, now a successful adult doing his own thing.

We adore sleeping apart.
We will often jump in with each other in the mornings to cuddle, but he likes to sleep listening to podcasts, I like white noise etc

We sleep so soundly and no more poking each other for snoring.
Amazing!!!

Sleeping apart really isn't a big deal and laods more people are doing it now 🥰

This man just wants everything his own way.

You mean sex @CollagenQueen ? It’s possible to do it then go to separate beds you know.

I’ve been awake in my own room since 4am. I’ve now got the radio and the light on. Much nicer than creeping downstairs to the sofa when DH and I shared.

What a weird thing to say. What’s your point? Are you just saying ’will nobody think of the men?’ Nobody is suggesting men can’t move to the spare room if they choose.

But that does not overrule your needs. I’d just tell him straight - I need to sleep alone and that’s that. Worked well for my relatives who were married for 50 years.

He needs to stop being ridiculous. Perhaps remind him that in elite families in the past, separate bedrooms was the norm.

Royalty sleep in their own bedrooms. If it's good enough for them it's certainly good enough for you.

If he won't parent his own children then don't cook for him or do his laundry.