To be flabbergasted by what he said

[magicwatercolour]

Ex and I are divorcing. We share 5yo DD who he only sees once a year by choice. He moved abroad 2 years ago. In December, he requested to see her during the upcoming school holidays. I agreed with no issues. Last week, he texted to ask if I could get her passport ready because he's taking her abroad, I refused because I have no info of where he is. Anyway, I texted him today to confirm visit plans. He said he will not visit because I didn't let him take DD abroad. He then went on to say he should be able to see DD where and when he wants, which is confusing as I have been encouraging him to visit and build a relationship with DD. It was is decision to move abroad. I messaged him back to say from now on, he can only contact me to arrange plans that he will 100% stick to, because last minute changes affect my ability to secure childcare. Due to the nature of my job, I also can't take any time off. DD is also very upset that her dad is not coming and it's something else for me to deal with.

Out of nowhere he replied with this "In my opinion your heart is dark and rotten and has always been despite the surface image you're trying to give of yourself, bless you, I hope you get better soon in your inner soul, may god guide you and help you put your daughters' happiness before your selfishness and hate. To this day I still don't know why I can't have XXXXX spend time with me the way I want and where I want. You should purify your heart, stop hating and being selfish, think of XXXX's happiness before your own, the future is bright for everyone."

For context, he doesn't call or ask how she is doing. Stopped child maintenance. Attempted to sell the property we live in without me knowing and we were at risk of homelessness. He cancels plans all the time, most times without notifying me, I have to enquire. In terms of our marriage, he cheated on me. Passed an STI and was generally very abusive towards me for the entire relationship.

AIBU to think this is completely out of line considering I have been nice to him despite the above.

I would tell him to contact you via solicitors only. He sounds deluded and you don't want that in your life. Or your daughter's. I wouldn't be letting him near her unsupervised.

He sees his daughter once a year and he has the gall to call you selfish? He can get to fuck. Tell him your soul is just fine and your previous message stands.

He is trying to shift his guilty conscience on to you.

It’s a big shame he won’t pay maintenance but the silver lining is he is out of the country for good hopefully.

Ask him to write a reply without chat GPT

Reply: 'Thankfully, your opinion is of no consequence. I reiterate, you are free to contact me to see Dd at any time, with the condition that you stand by your word and show up as agreed. When you are ready to do this, please get in touch.'

I think he's projecting a lot of himself into that text. I wouldn't even give it a second thought. He is practically a stranger to her. No way I'd be letting her go foreign with him.

The cynic in me thinks he asked for this knowing you'd say no and then he wouldn't have to come see her at all.

Don't lower yourself to his standards. Keep your head held high and resist the urge to reply.

I wonder if he has been telling porkies to his new partner and it is she who has sent the message? Or extended family? He has probably been claiming you stop him seeing DD and is using your justified no to him wanting to whisk her off on a Disney Dad trip as proof of this.

Absolutely do not let him take her abroad. You'll never see your daughter again if you do. Imo.

Next time he messages ask who it is... Don't give him a second thought... Make sure dd's life is plentiful without him. .

I would respond…

“Your opinion means fuck all to me. You are an utterly shit father and one day XXXX will be too old for me to shield her from that fact. From now on, you can contact me through my solicitor.”

but I’m petty 🤷🏼‍♀️

Has he joined a cult? Seriously that is a very odd message apropos of nothing. As is his sudden interest in taking DD abroad after such limited contact. There is no way I'd be allowing him to take her out of the country or see her without supervision. He sounds unstable.

This is my reason for objecting. I'm terrified of him never returning DD.

Which country does he live in and which countries is he a citizen of/ have family in?

So many men behave like this, it's disgusting.

It's not you OP, it's him.

Leave him to crack on as he is, no doubt he will feign surprise when he looks for his DD when he's old and frail and she doesn't want to know.

I think there is a way of alerting border control about possible child abduction. And leave your daughter's passport in a safe place.

That message is odd. And definitely don't let him take DD abroad. I agree tell him to contact you via solicitor moving forward. I would not trust him at all.

I like this.

Perhaps to his partner. His family are aware that I'm doing all the work. I've even arranged for for DD to speak to his mum on the phone. When his niece and brother wanted to visit, I allowed them to come around and spend time with DD.

You're absolutely right to refuse. Quite apart from anything else, wouldn't your DD be unnerved by going abroad with someone she only sees yearly? I don't know how long you've been apart but pretty soon he'll be almost a stranger to her, if he isn't already.

@magicwatercolour

youve posted about this monumental twat previously haven't you.

if not there's another poor woman with his twin brother.

just ignore him, don't reply. That'll annoy him more than anything. He's a complete twunt.

I wish I had waited to reply now. I like this.

I'd just give a 👍emoji to that one, to be honest.

But I'd be REALLY tempted to reply....

"My inner soul, like my conscience, is clear, but thanks for caring. 😊

I think God is currently busy aiming his wrath at others though.... maintenance dodging, uncaring fathers who turn up at their own convenience, or adulterers for example are probably further up the list than lil old me....

How's your galloping knob rot these days you riddled, cheating twat?"

Don't though! Just close the window on your world to him.

He sounds unhinged. Wouldn't let him near your daughter.

He’s just morally bankrupt, and/or deranged.

He’s a dog. He just wants to make you feel small, don’t let him. I’m sure it’s the law that both parents have to agree, So you are absolutely not unreasonable to say no, if you don’t feel comfortable.

Think of it this way. I’m sure if he had proven to you that he was a trustworthy, honest responsible parent, who was willing to coparent with you effectively and put his DD first, then you would not have said no. He has only himself to blame.