To be flabbergasted by what he said

[magicwatercolour]

Ex and I are divorcing. We share 5yo DD who he only sees once a year by choice. He moved abroad 2 years ago. In December, he requested to see her during the upcoming school holidays. I agreed with no issues. Last week, he texted to ask if I could get her passport ready because he's taking her abroad, I refused because I have no info of where he is. Anyway, I texted him today to confirm visit plans. He said he will not visit because I didn't let him take DD abroad. He then went on to say he should be able to see DD where and when he wants, which is confusing as I have been encouraging him to visit and build a relationship with DD. It was is decision to move abroad. I messaged him back to say from now on, he can only contact me to arrange plans that he will 100% stick to, because last minute changes affect my ability to secure childcare. Due to the nature of my job, I also can't take any time off. DD is also very upset that her dad is not coming and it's something else for me to deal with.

Out of nowhere he replied with this "In my opinion your heart is dark and rotten and has always been despite the surface image you're trying to give of yourself, bless you, I hope you get better soon in your inner soul, may god guide you and help you put your daughters' happiness before your selfishness and hate. To this day I still don't know why I can't have XXXXX spend time with me the way I want and where I want. You should purify your heart, stop hating and being selfish, think of XXXX's happiness before your own, the future is bright for everyone."

For context, he doesn't call or ask how she is doing. Stopped child maintenance. Attempted to sell the property we live in without me knowing and we were at risk of homelessness. He cancels plans all the time, most times without notifying me, I have to enquire. In terms of our marriage, he cheated on me. Passed an STI and was generally very abusive towards me for the entire relationship.

AIBU to think this is completely out of line considering I have been nice to him despite the above.

In future don't tell your daughter he is expected, it will then be a lovely surprise when he turns up on the doorstep.

Do not let him get access to her passport - you may never see her again !

I think the same. He knew I'd disagree so it was his way of turning it around to blame me and try to make me feel bad.

I would look at getting a prohibitive steps order so he can't take her abroad and a "lives with" order.

Speak to Rights of Women.

TBH I'd tell him to arrange a contact centre to see DD? He's a stranger to her.

He's crazy.

Thank you. This is a good suggestion. It'll save her the heartache also.

Thank you. I will look into this and contact Rights of Women tomorrow.

I would be changing my phone number and moving house I think.

Changing my number is planned. He's only be able to reach me on email but I think as suggested through solicitors would be better.

He’s trying to get under your skin by pretending that only he knows the real you and that it’s wicked and cruel, whereas he’s a wonderful good guy. All he’s actually doing is making it clear that he knows you are decent and likeable, that he has no real ‘points’ he can score against you, so instead he’s inventing fictional bollocks about dark souls that need healing. He’s an absolute dick and I certainly can believe you when you say he was abusive and a cheating liar because his manipulative character is clear as day in that single text.

I really would reply with something like, “Your view of me isn’t of any interest or relevance. Can you concentrate on parenting and sorting out practical matters. You need to arrange things with me and then stick to what is agreed: if you don’t then it will be your own inability to follow through on plans which prevents you from being able to see DD. If you think I am obstructing you then I’m willing to engage with your solicitor and formalise arrangements. That would give DD reliable plans to look forward to.”

Classic. Why you're glad he's ex!

Contact your solicitor and let them have a copy of the text. I too would be looking at Court Orders and some sort of parenting assessment. have your DD’s passport kept at a relative’s or solicitor’s office. I would not be allowing any visits or access in the UK and obviously not abroad. Change your mobile number. Do not give to members of his family. Do not let them have unsupervised access.

He sounds like an utter twat. I don't have enough experience to be able to advise you... just wanted to say I hope your divorce is finalised soon and that you and your DD can get away from that fucker. It doesn't sound like it's in her best interests to have a relationship with someone who is so willing to just drop her.

Sorry, wrong thread!

Gosh he sounds like he's just completed a creative writing class.

Ignore, he's a twat.

Thank you. I will seek legal advice on the situation.

DD's passport is safely kept at my mum's place. I do plan on changing my number soon.

What nationality is he?

There is absolutely no way I would be letting him anywhere near my child without being supervised. I would be looking at getting it formalised that she lives with you, and safeguarding her from being taken out of the country.

He sounds extremely controlling and like he is a danger to you and her. He seems to have no idea that taking a 5 year old out of the country, when he has only seen her twice in 2 years would be incredibly stressful for her.

The language he is using about you, feel like he is having some sort of harmful ideas about you.

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Thank you. Wise suggestions.

He has always been very controlling. He doesn't like the fact that he can't really control me anymore and I can manage just fine without him.

Your last point is valid and I didn't see his message in that light. Should I be concerned for my safety?😟

This. The man sounds deranged, I would be very worried about him abducting your daughter.

I agree with PP about contact through solicitors only, no unsupervised contact with anyone from his side and legal advice generally. Also prohibitive steps etc. Good her passport is at your mum’s - obviously never tell him where it is usually kept.

Personally I wouldn’t be living in fear from what he has said so far, especially given he lives far away. But 100% agree that this worry should be somewhere on your radar - it’s very sound advice.

It appears as if he is speaking from behind a massive cultural difference in terms of how women are generally perceived and treated. The level of entitlement and ownership he seems to feel over his DD and you is a million 🚩s.

I would certainly monitor the situation, log all contact from him and his friends and/or family and keep screenshots and copies of everything in case he escalates. Personally I’d avoid fanning any flames, getting cross directly etc But would use my energy and resources to build a bit of a safety wall in front of you.

Would also suggest maybe looking into resources and advice for working out how best to broach this with your DD over the coming years… Things can, of course, shift over time but it’s probably important that her feelings (loss/disappointment etc) are fully validated without being amped up. Your aim isn’t to make her cross with dad or criticize who he is, but to make it clear that his behaviour is poor and does not demonstrate love or care. There’s no need to lay into him - she will get it in good time. Right now you just don’t want his absence and unreliability to result in internalized feelings of low self worth. You want her to not to give him too much emotional houseroom at all really. In the long run you want to build in her a cast iron sense of self esteem and an incredibly good BS radar, because one day he may well find a way to try and manipulate her directly and you want her to be able to see right through him, and have a very honest relationship with you so she isn’t persuaded to keep secrets…

Women’s Aid might be able to signpost you to some useful resources for the above.

You’re obviously well rid of him, but I do think it would be worth you getting hold of a copy of Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. (You can download on kindle/Apple Books apps or get a second hand copy on eBay). If you haven’t read it, it is a brilliant insight into the attitudes and actions of abusive men. Personally think it should be required reading for all teenage girls and it helps name and understand a lot of behaviors that it can actually be quite hard to ‘get’ in the moment. It sounds as though your ex’s attitudes stem from a religious or cultural context, but are nonetheless absolutely in keeping with an abusive mindset. Reading it could help you navigate this with your daughter when she is older (and you might just find it really interesting!)

Thank God he lives abroad and has almost no contact.
Good luck

Hide her passport! I would be terrified

But if the father is another nationality, he might be able to apply for a passport for her without the mother ever knowing.

Screenshot all those messages in case he deletes them.

I would ask a solicitor to make sure he's not allowed to leave the country with her.

Which country is he from? Does the Geneva Convention apply?

Yes good point indeed. I really think you need to look into this op