To be flabbergasted by what he said

[magicwatercolour]

Ex and I are divorcing. We share 5yo DD who he only sees once a year by choice. He moved abroad 2 years ago. In December, he requested to see her during the upcoming school holidays. I agreed with no issues. Last week, he texted to ask if I could get her passport ready because he's taking her abroad, I refused because I have no info of where he is. Anyway, I texted him today to confirm visit plans. He said he will not visit because I didn't let him take DD abroad. He then went on to say he should be able to see DD where and when he wants, which is confusing as I have been encouraging him to visit and build a relationship with DD. It was is decision to move abroad. I messaged him back to say from now on, he can only contact me to arrange plans that he will 100% stick to, because last minute changes affect my ability to secure childcare. Due to the nature of my job, I also can't take any time off. DD is also very upset that her dad is not coming and it's something else for me to deal with.

Out of nowhere he replied with this "In my opinion your heart is dark and rotten and has always been despite the surface image you're trying to give of yourself, bless you, I hope you get better soon in your inner soul, may god guide you and help you put your daughters' happiness before your selfishness and hate. To this day I still don't know why I can't have XXXXX spend time with me the way I want and where I want. You should purify your heart, stop hating and being selfish, think of XXXX's happiness before your own, the future is bright for everyone."

For context, he doesn't call or ask how she is doing. Stopped child maintenance. Attempted to sell the property we live in without me knowing and we were at risk of homelessness. He cancels plans all the time, most times without notifying me, I have to enquire. In terms of our marriage, he cheated on me. Passed an STI and was generally very abusive towards me for the entire relationship.

AIBU to think this is completely out of line considering I have been nice to him despite the above.

He sounds unhinged. Has he discovered religion or something?!

Call her school and childminders etc and say only you or someone you designate can collect your child. Hide her passport like you have and hide her birthcert in a different place. Change locks on your home. Change anything you can, come off social media, change your number but block him anyway till you do.

He sounds completely mental.

This, seems like he thought of himself when texting you.

Tell him, 'As usual, you only talk about yourself'

@magicwatercolour you have not answered 2 questions which have been asked? which country has he moved to ? what nationality is he??

He sounds like a complete psycho. I wouldn’t let my daughter anywhere near him if I were you.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld I think maybe the OP isn’t answering because she might worried about the thread descending into horrible comments and getting pulled. She’s already received good advice around co-parenting with foreign nationals, so she can research specifically about the country/countries.

Oh god, just text back Go Fuck Yourself and think no more of it.
What a fucking waste of air.

He is British but originally from a very different culture. He moved to Turkey for a few months in 2022. I didn't hear from him for 7 months then. Now he claims to be in Europe. But, I am not entirely sure.

I think you have been unnecessarily accommodating considering how he has treated you and especially his child. I would tell him in no uncertain terms to never contact me again and then block his number. Let him take you to court if he wants contact with his DD (I bet he won't) keep his messages as evidence as well as any evidence of his previous behaviour.

You need to get a prohibited steps order ASAP. He potentially could try reporting DD's passport as missing, apply for a new one and then disappear abroad with her

Also, this!!

Probably one of these men that think they are very clever and think only of themselves. He had other plans than just a holiday. He thought you were going to comply because why not. You have ruined it and he is pissed off.

The strategy of telling him only to contact you via you solicitor sounds good in theory but in practice you might not find it so appealing. Every time he contacts them, they will charge you for reading his email, contacting you to advise and take instruction and then for any response/action they take as a result. It could well end up costing you a fortune with you incurring fees anytime your knobhead ex feels like firing off an email. If he realises this he may even do it just to cost you money.

I think what you do need is expert advice on what you can do to protect your daughter from a delinquent absent parent who has expressed a serious intent to take her out of the country. Subject to that advice, I'd be forcing him to go to court if he wants any unsupervised access from this point onward. He has shown no interest in her and, given what you've revealed about him and your relationship, my best guess is he has no interest in being a father to her but does see her as a tool he can use to continue abusing you.

Thank you so much everyone. Lots of very good advice.❤

I'm currently researching and learning about the 'live with' order that some of you have mentioned. It looks like I need this and a few other things in place.

He claims to be in financial distress and finding a well paid job is proving difficult for him. So, moving back to the UK is not completely out of the window.

I have a Prohibited Steps Order, OP. It prevents him from taking DC - ever. (Says "until further order...") So, if he ever takes DC, he will be immediately arrested for abduction and this is despite the fact that he is on the birth certificate; Meaning he does have PR. He just cannot ever take DC away from me. All I needed to obtain this was evidence of his behaviour (texts etc) and then I called the National Centre for Domestic Violence (doesn't need to be violence involved) and they employed a solicitor for me for free. Didn't cost anything at all and was all finished within a week.

His words are radical and unstable. Never let your daughter be on her own with him.

Thank you for this - it's very useful.

He sounds mentally ill from that message.

She's better off not seeing him, he sounds like a nut job.
Keep all the messages

It's worrying that he has these thought about me when I have done him no harm whatsoever.

One thing he is right about is that the future has got to be a whole lot brighter for you now that you are no longer with him. Congratulations on being rid of him.

He has said horrible things to me in the past. But, not in a very long time. I've limited communication with him to only include visit plans. I also text him when DD is in his care. At point, he was messaging me about divorce every couple of days and trying to force me to agree to things that don't work for me. I blocked him on What'sAPP and all social media. Changed my usernames too. I will block his number but he will most likely e-mail me.

Apart from potentially disappearing with DD, poor DD is only 5 and hardly knows him. I imagine she’d be terrified and he doesn’t come across as
being capable of placating never mind caring for a child

He sounds unhinged.

Like a total fkg header.

It's nice when they put the crazy in black and white
Make sure you keep that message.

It's sad in one way but probably a very good thing that he's barely seeing your DD.