Strange reactions to husbands cancer diagnosis

[Whoknew76]

DH has been diagnosed with cancer. I will start by saying we have some lovely support from parts of the family and from friends but also encountered some really strange reactions. One colleague of my husband just sent the shocked😱 emoji by text when he was told by another colleague. He is someone my husband knows well. Someone asked me in front my kids if it’s spread. Another neighbour stated to real off all her friends who have died recently of cancer when I told her . Also someone who I thought I was close to and have been there in their hour of need has been avoiding me completely. Just wondered if anyone else found the same thing?

I'm so sorry about your husband. Are you ok?

Unfortunately people respond very differently when cancer is mentioned. A lot of people have an irrational fear.

Yes when my mum was diagnosed one of my friends told me "well I can't tell you that she won't die because she might". Great thanks, very comforting.

I'm sorry you're facing this but glad you do have some good support amidst the idiots.

Cancer makes people afraid Op, they don't know how to react. Please don't take it to heart, people do care x

My DH has just been diagnosed with cancer and everyone has been so nice. Although his work colleagues don't know yet as it's a very new diagnosis. Hope you and your DH are ok xx

Really sorry to hear about your husband. It’s weird that in times of need some friends and family you think will be there for you just fade away. But you’ll find support from people you didn’t expect. You certainly find out who your friends are in hard times.

Everyone deals with this stuff differently, and often finds it incredibly uncomfortable. They simply don't really now what to say or do, so often put their foot in it. Or distance themselves in fear of doing the same. It is very, very common across all ages and relates to cancer, bereavement, terminal illness. Most people know someone who has had cancer so a lot may feel the need to share their stories as a coping mechanism. I'm so sorry for the situation, and by all means you have a right to be offended by some of these crass things. But please bear what I said in mind and try not to take it to heart negatively. I hope you are able to talk to people, or even seek counselling if you need it at this difficult time?

Hi OP sorry to hear this

I Hope your husband is coping well and your husband you and all your family get all the support that you need
Some people like anther poster as just said act strange when cancer is mentioned x

Sorry to hear about DH OP. I have cancer myself & mine is stage 4 & I’ve experienced the full gamut of reactions! What you describe is common sadly. I’ve also had unsolicited advice about supplements, adopting a positive attitude & people speculating on the cause! I must say I’ve also had some amazing responses from people I would’nt expect. I think there are so many unknowns with cancer, people find it terrifying that it could happen to anyone & they try & fill in the gaps to reassure themselves.

I’m sorry that you are going through this. In my experience people are extremely odd about it. I still remember the long taxi drive to see my DH in hospital straight after they’d found his cancer had spread to his brain. Taxi driver interrogated us on why we were going to the hospital then regaled us for half an hour with all the people he knew who’d died of cancer even when I asked him to stop as my teenage son was getting upset.

You’ll find many other people are brilliantly supportive, though.

Hope your husband and every family facing a cancer diagnosis get the best treatment available and promptly.

People are weird when illness is involved my aunty asked my dad if he was all better now when we bumped into her at a market. He had been diagnosed with mixed dementia.

I'm so sorry to hear your news. Yes, in my experience people react in weird and wonderful ways. People you wouldn't expect step up and people you'd hope for more from let you down. And then some people are downright weird. And then some people put their foot in their mouth (I have been guilty of this once - I now cringe every time I remember it)

I’m so sorry about your DH. I hope he makes a full recovery.

People don't know what to say, and given how prolific cancer is I expect most people know someone who has had it so comparing experiences isn't unusual.

Try not to take it to heart.

Yes people are weird.

DH has terminal cancer. My oldest friend no longer contacts me, my group of friends I’ve known next longest -one of the 5 will message quite regularly to ask how DH is, the others I don’t hear from unless I put something on the group chat about something and nothing.
After a recent run of difficult issues DM commented ‘it’s never ending is it?’. Well it will end as he’s terminal! She is one to frequently say ‘let me know if I can do anything’ but then in the next message is ‘oh I’m so tired/ill/going away’ so there’s no help she actually does!
Colleagues frequently ask but anyone else just doesn’t get it so I don’t bother mentioning him. I don’t want to hear how ‘aunt Sharon’s second husband made a full recovery’ because that’s not possible for us.

Sorry you are also dealing with this

@TomatoketchupfromMandS so sorry to hear this but you summed it up so well - xx

When my mum was diagnosed we got the following reactions.

Uncontrollable crying (me)
A long lecture about health and how to best treat it (her sister who had cancer previously)
An '0h dear' (ex husband)

Mum was incredible nonchalant about it all and immediately called the hospital to move her surgery and chemotherapy dates around her booked holiday. She's ok and still with us about 10 years later so it worked out.

Experienced similar as a family when my Dad was diagnosed, many people have surprised and disappointed. But of course, many also were pillars of support.

A friend of mine said the same when my niece was diagnosed with leukaemia, was not helpful. That was nearly 10 years ago and she's fine now btw

Yep. Had all the reactions. My mum had terminal cancer. A neighbour saw my sister in the street, grabbed her hand and started full on hysterical sobbing at her. My poor sis was stuck there trying to edge away and get her hand free, all the while trying not to cry herself.

So sorry op. My mums good friend was diognosed as being terminal 10+ years ago. I went to her "last ever" bday celebration. She wasn't expected to see the year out and she's still going strong. She got offered a trial drug and it's been great for her. She still has cancer obviously but she's seen her grandkids grow up.

If friends know someone close who has been through it they tend to be more sensitive. However there are also completely insensitive idiots who regale you with doom and gloom stories or miracle cures.

When my own heartbroken DF shared his diagnosis about his stage 4 colon cancer to his sister (who has no effing filter) she actually shrank back from him incase she caught it! She also later asked me in front of him whether taking aspirin would prevent her getting it as well. We were too stunned at what she said to react but my DF banned her from visiting him after that.

See I prefer this. It is the 'I know he will win the fight' people that stick in my throat.

I am sorry to hear this. I had cancer and people were the same (listing all the people they knew who'd died of cancer happened so many times). People will disappear as they can't handle it. Some people will let you down or surprise you in a bad way. A few others will surprise you pleasantly. A lot of people won't have the stamina to keep caring after à few months.

I hope your husband has good treatment and makes a full recovery without too many side effects. Love to you all.

Oh, and don't Google.

People can be Very odd. I’ve been surprised by the people who don’t know what to say so just don’t. I’d rather someone say something stupid than just not bother.

My wife was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago. She is still alive and we enjoy life together. Please be positive and look forward to many happy years with your husband.