Strange reactions to husbands cancer diagnosis

[Whoknew76]

DH has been diagnosed with cancer. I will start by saying we have some lovely support from parts of the family and from friends but also encountered some really strange reactions. One colleague of my husband just sent the shocked😱 emoji by text when he was told by another colleague. He is someone my husband knows well. Someone asked me in front my kids if it’s spread. Another neighbour stated to real off all her friends who have died recently of cancer when I told her . Also someone who I thought I was close to and have been there in their hour of need has been avoiding me completely. Just wondered if anyone else found the same thing?

@Enigma52

Thankyou. I think I recognise you from the cancer support thread. What a great and supportive bunch of women!

It's a horrible situation and people don't know what to say, we had all sorts said to us when DH got his diagnosis. His diagnosis really sorted out who were friends and those who were fair weather acquaintances.

I had little tolerance for it when my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I ended up setting my phone to only alert me when it was my DH, DD's or Dad's palliative care team because I just couldn't cope with trying to be polite in the face of utter stupidity.

The people who helped me were those who said "I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad" and that meant it.

A bit different but when my Dad took his own life (he was hit by a train) an acquaintance of our family approached my Mum in the local shopping centre and said "I heard about Gordon. Did he jump from the bridge?'

I was only young (22) and remember feeling shocked and upset that my Mum had to endure being asked such an inappropriate question. My Dad had only been dead a couple of weeks.

People are strange and inappropriate at times.

I think 🤔 any life threatening health issues could attract these weird type of reactions from people outside your family,

thankfully you have supportive family members around yo,

It's the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty of life and the fact we are all immortal,

the fear 😨 of if it can effect someone they know,

It can feel a bit close to home for comfort when someone you know experinces this,

as most or a lot of people know someone who has experinced cancer in their lives in some way,
whether it's family member, a friend or work colleague,
one time or other...

essentially it's bursting people's ignorance is bliss bubbles 🫧 of reality of their everyday exisence of life..

Sorry your husband and yourself are going through this @Whoknew76

Typo mistake word mortal *

@tothelefttotheleft yes I've wondered over to that thread a few times. Super bunch, as you say.

Hope you are doing well as you can be.

@Whoknew76 I'm so sorry about your DH. Yes you hear all sorts! But the nice part is when some people step up and support you, it's really heartwarming and (kind of?) makes up for the wankery. Even the nicest people will sometimes not get it, though, or say the wrong things so it's good to have peer support, talk to people who have been caregivers or cancer patients. Hugs to you.

@Enigma52 The prognosis question! I was asked it by a relative and I answered as I knew she was kind and well-meaning but part of me wanted to say 'Do you know what you've just asked me?' 😅

There are so many types, grades and stages of cancer. Some are very treatable and curable, some are not.

I don’t see how people can expect a uniform reaction from other people. A response which is relevant to one case of cancer may be totally irrelevant in another.
Personally I’ve got brain tumours and I don’t really care what people say, nobody is being malicious they just feel awkward.

DH had cancer a year ago and it really surprised me how some casual friends were really amazing involved and practical and a couple of our oldest friends (who we’ve been hugely supportive to over many years) cold and distant. The PPs saying best friends ghosted them - that’s so callous, I just cannot fathom why? Wish I could understand them but it made me feel we mostly don’t truly know others.

On the thankful side, I did a gratitude meditation one day and began writing down all the kind acts I was grateful for and there were more than a hundred so that was amazing. 🌺🌺🌺OP

Happened to us too. You find out who your friends are.

Not comparable but never forget when I had a bereavement at university (my granny but we were v close she lived next door so very involved in my upbringing) my supposed best friends at uni were useless and went on their planned night out. The chap in the room next to me and his girlfriend were fantastic sat with me all evening.

Firstly I am very sorry to hear about your husband’s diagnosis. All the very best for his treatment, and please look after yourself too.

As someone who has been through cancer myself, there were many strange reactions:
Some avoided me cos they were scared.
Some erstwhile casual friends suddenly insinuated themselves due to morbid curiosity.
One friend cried and cried when she saw me with no hair. I said to her, “If I can cope with this then so can you.” It was difficult that some people expected me, the patient, to comfort them!
One friend sent me an absolute barrage of texts with dietary advice.
The worst thing was that one friend said, “Of all the people I know, I’m glad it’s you that’s got it because you are so strong.”

I genuinely believe that people are just scared. It touches their own mortality and they just don’t know what to say.

I do hope you get plenty of good support in the coming months. Some of the online cancer forums are great for mutual support.

OP, I'm really sorry for you and wish everything goes well. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what kind of reaction would make you feel better?

I have a friend in your situation and I don't know how to help. I don't know if it's better to ask about things or to talk about other topics. If I should check in constantly or leave her alone for a few days. If I should insist for a coffee or not (guess not).

I tried to make the right noises and I told her to tell me if she needs something but that's such a delicate situation, and people need different things. But of course I don't want to burden her with the task of telling me what to do.

Hope you get the support you need, and that you feel supported even if some people, like me, may be a little clumsy with this.

Deborah Ross wrote a very good article in The Times this week about what / what not to say to someone with cancer. I wish you and DH well.

Sorry to hear that @OP. People are just weird and some are downright thoughtless. A friend's DD has cancer and when she told some friends at church, they started to avoid her and stopped speaking to her. It's not contagious .

I don't think that clumsy responses tell you anything about the quality of your friendship. They just tell you how verbally comfortable your friend is in difficult situations.

We had the full variety of clumsy responses, but none of them bothered me really (apart from the one I posted above which was a whole different level) because I knew that those people all meant well.

Despite what we went through, I'm still little better than anyone else in my responses to others' bad news. I'm just not good at tricky social situations.

Yep @LouLou789 , I had friends who responded to messages etc with "I'm crying reading this" and I just wanted to say "why are you crying? And why do you think I need to know that, when I'm managing to hold myself together?"

People just don't know what to say.
Personally i hate..... oh but they're so strong, they'll beat it I'm sure.
Because what does that say if they don't "beat it"?
We have no control over this.
When i lost my husband i much preferred people to say ....i don't know what to say.
I met up with someone the other day who is going through something similar to what I went through and i simply said it's sh*t isn't it.

When my daughter was diagnosed with cancer we had some really weird reactions and comments. The ones that stand out….

A mum at school I barely knew demanding to know what was wrong with her (before we had shared and she was in hospital)

Someone compared their dog dying to my child having cancer

And being told you’re so strong. I couldn’t do it … like we had a choice

We had lots of lovely people too. They are not usually the ones you expect weirdly.

Sending love to you and your husband.

My daughter is 5 years post treatment now and doing well.

@passiveconstellation
Yes when my mum was diagnosed one of my friends told me "well I can't tell you that she won't die because she might". Great thanks, very comforting.

I'm sorry you're facing this but glad you do have some good support amidst the idiots.

@SunsetandCupcakes
See I prefer this. It is the 'I know he will win the fight' people that stick in my throat.

Isn't there a midway ground?

"Cancer treatment is getting better all the time. Focus on the positives and the good outcomes"

I was just going to type something similar. My response in these situations is ‘life can be really shit sometimes’. And completely agree that the worse ones go on about them ‘fighting’. As if they have any choice in the matter. Makes me want to puke. In the likely event I get cancer (it runs through both sides of the family like the plague) if someone tells me I am a fighter or ‘brave’ I think I will use my time left on the earth to organise them losing a limb.

Yes people react strangely. The word cancer makes people feel scared, awkward, uncomfortable.
I had cancer and got a lot of support from people but also some strange reactions. One friend kept making a joke of it, sending lots of memes relating to the affected body part, one friend backed away from me when I told her then made excuses and abruptly left, a couple of friends simply refused to talk about it. One of my best friends seemed really irritated every time I mentioned it (and I really didn't mention it much at all).
Wishing your DH all the best.

I’m sorry that you’re all going through this but glad that have some lovely support and I hope your husband will make a full recovery.

I was recently diagnosed with bowel cancer and have been really surprised and hurt by the complete disappearance of several friends, some of whom I’ve known for over 25 years.

I also rarely hear from the person I would have considered to be my best friend. Our relationship feels quite strained and forced now and I can go weeks without hearing from her.

I have however been so touched by the kindness and support of people I didn’t know well before my diagnosis and several of my colleagues have turned into the most wonderful, amazing and supportive friends.

My MacMillan nurse says she hears this a lot so unfortunately it’s common for people to disappear. It is really sad though.

When it happens, your address book changes completely. There is nothing quite like a scary diagnosis to sort the wheat from the chaff in your life.