Strange reactions to husbands cancer diagnosis

[Whoknew76]

DH has been diagnosed with cancer. I will start by saying we have some lovely support from parts of the family and from friends but also encountered some really strange reactions. One colleague of my husband just sent the shocked😱 emoji by text when he was told by another colleague. He is someone my husband knows well. Someone asked me in front my kids if it’s spread. Another neighbour stated to real off all her friends who have died recently of cancer when I told her . Also someone who I thought I was close to and have been there in their hour of need has been avoiding me completely. Just wondered if anyone else found the same thing?

This is very true

Sorry to hear about your dh.
My mum died of cancer - nearly25 years ago now! There were some def strange reactions at the time but it was all so quick as it was caught late. I also hated all the ‘fighting’ and ‘brave’ BS.
Most of my friends were great, some more than others I must say.
in more recent years a friend’s DH has been living w cancer for a few years and we see them now and again (they’re lively but we aren’t mega close etc). One of our mutuals didn’t message her or anything and even now she asks me how he is - but not our friend directly (and they live 5 mins walk away whereas I’m mire like 10 mins drive). I know my friend was upset she dicky hear from the mutual, v odd.

I’m sorry to hear this, but yes, peoples reactions can be odd. I told my neighbour I had a cancer diagnosis and she stared at me for about 30 seconds then said oh… well, I’m going on holiday next week. And that was that, I said politely oh lovely, enjoy! and shut the door trying to wrap my head around what happened.

My DH also has prostate cancer and has been given 1-2 years it's the head tilt as they ask you how is DH

My DS13 was diagnosed with cancer in August. I have been very surprised by who has been supportive and who hasn't. My friend actually turned around and shuffled off in the opposite direction when she seen us in Tesco. I came home and blocked her on everything.

When I told my brother that my son was in hospital recieving a blood transfusion he told me to stop the IV and get DS outside barefoot on the grass. Helps apparently.

The prognosis question really bothers me. My son is stage 3 and his prognosis isn't going to change, however wherever I go, from the hairdresser's to the supermarket, people feel the need to ask how long he is expected to live!

I know people mostly mean well but it's hard when they tell me there is new medicines now (there isn't) or that he's a strong boy, they are sure he will make it, if he doesn't make it does it means he didn't fight hard enough?

Sending love to you you and your DH.

I just realised that I've posted several times without acknowledging you and your situation, @Whoknew76 . As I mentioned, I'm a bit of a social klutz.

But I do hope that your DH has a good medical team behind him and that treatment is effective for him. And I very much empathise with your situation. Do look after yourself, as well as him. All the best.

I’m so sorry your husband and your family are going through this. 🙏🏻❤️
my brother was diagnosed with MND last year and I’ve been really shocked at how people have reacted. One very close friend in particular has just virtually disappeared off the radar and when I have seen her she never asks about him. The friends who do ask I thank them for asking.

So sorry you are going though this. I've lost my dad aged 76 and my sister in law age 39 to cancer in the last 2 months and it sucks. People react so differently. To be honest I cope differently on different days too. Just lap up the helpful responses and ignore the unhelpful ones. To be honest I had days when all I wanted to hear was "she'll be ok" and others where "you'll probably lose him and I'm here for you" was more helpful. Just go with it. Also try, if you can, to keep a couple of good friends you can always be totally real with...

Really sorry you’re going through this.

We had a whole range of reactions when my mum had cancer. Lots of kindness. Conflicting advice, and occasional strange confidence that her terminal prognosis should be taken with a pinch of salt. The vicar who accosted her as she was coming out of the house and asked ‘where’s the tumour?’ could have done better I think!

Some of the reactions that stick with me from my daughter’s diagnosis were:

• i don’t know how you are coping with this. I couldn’t do it. (Try having NO choice)
• seeing you deal with this has made me feel so lucky (great, thanks for sharing)
• my aunt’s dog died of that (okaaaaaaaay)
• do you think it’s something you did when you were pregnant that caused it?

people say the weirdest stuff.

hope you’re doing okay OP x

YANBU so sorry for your news.😪

Some people are just worried about saying the wrong thing. Others make lite of the situation. I remember someone literally heartedly asking my mum when she was getting a wig.

Enormous hugs to everyone on the thread who has cancer, is a caregiver or has a loved one with cancer.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra Isn't there a midway ground?

'Cancer treatment is getting better all the time. Focus on the positives and the good outcomes'

The above words are very kindly meant, and it's thoughtful of you to try to find a middle ground. I'm absolutely not having a go at you personally, but this is such a great example of a response that sounds good but that a person with cancer might possibly not appreciate (though obviously, we are all different). I can only speak for myself of course, but I can share what I would find difficult about this response (and I do get similar ones).

First, about treatment getting better, likely it is, but I find that people without medical knowledge tell me blithely how great treatment is and that 'they' can work miracles these days. Then I go to the oncologists and they are brutally realistic about what they can and can't do. So there's a gap there between those two realities. Same with the good outcomes. However many aunts and neighbours and coworkers' nephews have survived for 14 years because the doctors were wrong, it's still entirely possible that I won't have the same experience.

Then 'focus on the positives,' of course, positive thinking can be great. However, the person saying this doesn't realise it but they've just told someone with cancer how to feel. Maybe the person with cancer has spent the day covered in blood and shit and tears and have needles and stuff stuck to them and they're clawing at the walls and aren't in the mood to focus on the positives. No experience of this myself of course 😣😅

TL;DR, best to try not to impose your reality on the cancer patient, but let them speak about their actual reality, if they want to (and accept their silence if they don't want to). And if what they have to say is dark, or sad, then let it be that way, offer commiseration or comfort but don't rush to 'cover up' their truth with a flood of positive thinking.

Others may differ but I think great things to say are the simple things like 'I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis,' 'I'm sorry you're having to go through this,' 'How's it going?' 'Do you feel like talking about it, or would you rather we talked about something else?' 'Can I do a food shop for you or help with housework?' 'I've been thinking about you,' etc. If you have cancer yourself then things like 'It's absolutely fucking shit isn't it' are perfectly acceptable. 😁

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo You sound lovely. I don't know how your friend feels of course, but unless you feel these questions are too irritating, what about asking her what she wants or needs, eg 'Do you want me to check in regularly or should I leave you alone for a bit,' 'Do you feel up to coming out for coffee sometime, or could I bring coffee round to yours perhaps? Or would you rather not?' 'I'd love to hear how you're doing but maybe you'd rather talk about something other than cancer?' or similar. (I for the record fucking love any chance to talk about something that is not cancer. Though I do struggle with my friend's obsession with American politics.) Give her a choice, if she's bossy like me she won't mind telling people what to do. 😂

I’m so sorry to hear this. People can be so unpleasant when you have bad medical news - your closest friends can behave in incredibly hurtful ways. It makes an already stressful time so much more isolating and upsetting. But, as other posters have said, people you’d never have expected to can give you the most tremendous support, as well. I hope this will be true for you. I was able to recover my hope for the human condition thanks to a couple of acquaintances who stepped up and enveloped me in love during a very bleak time. I’d do anything for those people now.

I don’t think the “cancer treatment is getting better” is helpful either. It’s zero help to someone who needs a new treatment yesterday and are already stage 4.

New treatments take years to develop and get approval.

So very sorry OP and to all of you affected by cancer. Sending love and strength. People mean well generally but are worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.

strangest reaction I had was from in laws who have never commented on my chemo which is finished now. They simply went deaf whenever the chemo word came up. I worked full time during treatment. One weekend SIL noticed I was sitting down a lot. I was feeling unwell. She called me lazy. I have super hearing. Heard her say it. This woman retired in her mid 30s. I ended up in hospital the next day and had to come off some of my treatment. We have never forgotten her nasty comments or the fact they were so weird about my chemo.

Yes, it kind of shocked me, as a my then friend was being deadly serious. But then proceeded to ignore me during chemo ( apparently I was to blame as I was so irritable!) and then pissed off out my life.

Funny thing is, she is a VICAR!! 😂

Yes, I've had this.
I told my neighbour over the phone in December I had been diagnosed with secondary BC ( she had called to check on whether she needed to pick up my son from school) and I was already upset as I picked up the phone.

The whole convo revolved round hers and husband's new kitchen extension! I was already jealous ( ours is a tiny space with no spare cash to do much).

Anyway, despite the offers of this and that, I've heard sweet nothing from her.

Fine with me, i don't need to hear kitchen stories right now!

Absolutely this.
Or, if you are on a supposedly " gold star" treatment and just can't tolerate it. This is me with a targeted therapy drug. I so WANT to take it daily at the advised dose, but my body can't tolerate it. So back to oncology to try and negotiate. Horrid.

@Galaxyheart Sorry to hear about your DH too. No one knows about my DH currently, apart from his manager. He appears OK outwardly , although his eyebrows have thinned. He was always bald, so chemo changed nothing there!
I think we are both dreading the time when we can no longer keep it a secret. Not looking forward to the head tilts.

I wish you and your husband well.

I'm afraid a varied reaction is typical, including from those you thought would do better.

Avoiding and lack of contact from friends you thought were close does unfortunately happen, as do inappropriate and thoughtless comments.

You learn, and sometimes don't forgive.

When I went through similar I preferred people to just say what was on their minds than the alternative awkward silence or avoiding me because they didn't know what to say. My thinking was, nothing you can do or say is going to make this worse or better, and even if you drop a clanger, it will be water off a ducks back compared to what's going on. The only way you can make this worse is by pretending you haven't seen me or talking about me rather than to me so I feel even more alone. We're all different, but that was my take.