Strange reactions to husbands cancer diagnosis

[Whoknew76]

DH has been diagnosed with cancer. I will start by saying we have some lovely support from parts of the family and from friends but also encountered some really strange reactions. One colleague of my husband just sent the shocked😱 emoji by text when he was told by another colleague. He is someone my husband knows well. Someone asked me in front my kids if it’s spread. Another neighbour stated to real off all her friends who have died recently of cancer when I told her . Also someone who I thought I was close to and have been there in their hour of need has been avoiding me completely. Just wondered if anyone else found the same thing?

Sorry about your husband. But yes. When doctors thought I had cancer (a bad one) one of my BFF blocked me the day before my diagnosis was due. I was actually fine but still a bit flabbergasted

When my DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2013 my (then) closest friend totally ghosted me. DHs brother got himself tested (he was ok) but otherwise no reaction whatsoever. People are weird. Others were lovely. By the way although he was given 6 months at one point he’s still with me. Sorry about your husband, hope it turns out ok xx

Reminds me of when someone said to me I was lucky I got to say goodbye. I get it, her father passed away suddenly, whereas mine died slowly from cancer. I told her I would have preferred not to watch my dad slowly die, for his sake I'd rather I didn't get to say goodbye and for it to have been quick. I think people just don't know what to say when it comes to illness and death, so often end up saying the wrong thing!

Irrational?? 😠

People are awkward, they should be able to put your husband and familu in front of their own discomfort but sometimes they are frozen by it. It doesn’t help you but it isn’t malicious.

An acquaintance of ours died suddenly and my husband bumped into his widow a week later, had a conversation with her but didn’t ask acknowledge her husband’s death. He came home in a right state because he knew he’d dealt with it so so badly but in that moment he just couldn’t get the words out.

As with most major events you will find out who are truly fucking idiots with no filter or emotional intelligence.
You will also find some diamonds, often where you least expected.

People are very weird about cancer. When DH was diagnosed I asked a friend of ours to let some mutual friends know because it was getting a bit much talking about it, and for whatever reason (scared? offended because we didn't tell them ourselves?) we've not heard from them since. We don't live nearby but had been at their wedding a couple of months before, so it was a bit of a surprise to find them so flaky. At the same time we found out who our real friends are and all the other cliched stuff about realising what's important in life.

Maggie's is a great place to go if you want to talk to someone who can be matter of fact about it (also good for practical advice and chocolate biscuits.)

Hi
People's reactions to a cancer diagnosis can be mighty weird.

When first diagnosed with primary
BC, years ago, a then good friend of mine, responded ( by text!) " what's your prognosis?"

Another " friend" who is no longer, wouldn't visit me during chemo because SHE found my bald head distressing!! I did offer to wear a hat etc, but thought buggar this, piss off!

Anyway, I do hope your DHs journey won't be too rough and I wish him well along the way.

It’s clear by reading some comments on here that it really is a minefield. What’s a reasonable reaction to some people, is absolutely not reasonable to others, so I can see how difficult it is for people to try to say the right thing. I’ve experienced similar when having a parent who had a terminal cancer diagnosis. The most upsetting for me was walking down the street and watching someone who knew our family well crossing the road to avoid speaking to us. This happened more than once. I would have just settled for a hug and ‘sorry to hear what you’re all going through’. No other words are needed really.

I’m sorry that your husband has been diagnosed with cancer. Yes. I’ve found similar. We've had some very strange reactions to my husband’s cancer diagnosis. I think the weirdest is that despite telling everyone from the outset that his cancer is incurable, we get people telling him that he can beat it. You certainly learn who you can rely on.

I have breast cancer. I hate the following responses-

-I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.
-Being told about all their relatives who've died of cancer.
-Being told to be positive and fight.

• Being told everything will be ok.
• Being told I'm not going to die.
• That chemo is not that bad. My friend was just tired etc
• That losing my hair doesn't matter and isn't a big deal.

This is one of the reasons my DH doesn't want to tell anyone about his diagnosis. His cancer is incurable and he dreads the reactions of others.
So sorry people are making strange comments. I think sometimes people feel awkward and just say/do random things!
Did the text with the shocked face have anything accompanying it?

This is incredibly heartless but I also hate the opposite reaction - ‘I’m sure everything will be fine’. How are you sure? It’s cancer not a broken nail!!! Stop taking the importance away from the situation.

This is very true...
The whole " you can beat it"' thing, drives me mad ( I have secondary BC) and am sick ( sick!) of hearing " you've got this"!

It's hard and you do learn who you can rely upon and who just makes what they think are the right noises at the time. Xx

With my cancer, I got blanked by people I thought would be there for me and found it really hurtful. People definitely don't react how you think they will and others surprise you in a lovely way.

Sorry to hear your husband has joined this club. I've found some of the cancer groups on Facebook a wonderful support

Firstly, OP I'm sorry about your husbands cancer diagnosis, and secondly about the reactions. These are the weirdest responses ever - and rude/ inconsiderate etc!

To anyone that doesn't know how to react:

"I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer, not sure what to say but if you need anything, even just someone to have a good moan to, I'm here"

Don't start listing the contents of a cemetery....

Very sorry to read This Op. I hope you and your DH are OK. My SIL, not famed for her tact, said to me after hearing that I had breast cancer "you need to look after yourself, people die from that".

At the end of my late husband illness, I went into work (I'd been signed off) to let my boss know that there was no more to be done, and that all treatment had been withdrawn. We'd been told that he had a week to ten days, and I was on my way to let the hospice know.

My boss told me off for 'not being positive' because 'miracles happen'.

I was so stunned that I couldn't say anything. A decade on and I still think of what I could have said to her.

This 100% !!

Infuriating.
I wish you well with your journey @tothelefttotheleft

Oh and be prepared for the "just eat green vegetables and it will go" responses cos I've had a shit load of them 🙄

Mum had it.

Complained that responses were roughly split 50/50 between two responses:

-all the people they knew who had died of that particular cancer
-all the people they knew who had survived that particular cancer

That's a great example of something to say.

@saraclara oh my., how awful of your boss to say that to you. You must have been speechless and felt horrid.

I have secondary BC and can't stand the words" positive" " fight" or " beat"

@Timeforanotheraliasnow My DH also has prostate cancer. So glad to hear he is still with you. This gives me hope. My DH has been given between 1-5 years. We are nearly a year in and it has gone so fast, it scares me.

Yes. Some people really stepped up, especially with practical help: some people were utterly useless. And not always the ones you expect in both categories.

What I really hated were the "stay strong and keep positive" folk ( even when asked not to say this). Useless, unsupportive and distressing.