To find this passive-aggressive?

[RogueFemale]

Background: all the houses in my neighbourhood put out food waste caddies on a Wednesday for waste collection Thursday mornings. They're the size of a bucket. I am guilty of not always taking mine back inside on Thursdays, especially if I don't go out, & sometimes I don't until the weekend. My only sin - I am otherwise a model of neighbourly virtue :)

There are a handful of other lazy neighbours like me.

Anyway, this Thursday afternoon I received an anonymous note (typed):

Dear Neighbours
We understand it is so much easier to leave your food caddy out all week...
Unfortunately there are issues with this:
They occupy space on our narrow pavement, making it difficult to walk and they are an eyesore too.
But the most concerning issue is that they are a health hazard, they attract rats.
Thank you for being a responsible neighbour, we like our street to look nice and we sure don't want rats around.
All best, Your neighbours

More context: The pavements are also bristling with bicycles chained to the fronts of houses (no front gardens), far bulkier than a bucket, but not "difficult" to walk past (N.B. even without anything on the pavement it's too narrow for a wheelchair because of protuding front steps). The caddies left out are empty, therefore not a rat magnet, - never seen a rat out front.

Yes, I accept that I'm not being the perfect neighbour, but I don't leave it out "all week" and the reasons given are invalid except for the eyesore thing. And I think anonymous passive-aggressive notes are an unpleasant way to try to address it, if a handful of food caddies bother you that much.

There's a very active neighbourhood email group, and this neighbour could have posted a generalised email saying 'please could everyone take in their caddies on Thursdays', explaining why they felt so strongly - and then no doubt all would pitch in agreeing how annoying it was when people didn't. That would've been fine, if they'd revealed their identity, I just find it creepy to send anonymous, passive-aggressive, sarcastic ("so much easier to leave your food caddy out") notes. I know another neighbour who got the same note.

I think my neighbour could easily progress to that sort of thing. Often the bin men leave my bin awry or on the pavement. Apparently. Because the first I know is the sound of my neighbour trundling it along and placing it on my path.

It's be nice to think that he's just being helpful. But he's not really the helpful type.

@UltraWoman "the chained up bikes issue is a strawman."

It's a very similar issue in terms of anonymous's argument of obstructing the pavement and being an eyesore. But I agree that bikes aren't a rat magnet (but nor are the caddies).

Agreed. Utter laziness and lack of consideration for others.

We always use compostable liners.

We always bring in our bins the same day they get emptied.

None of our bins has ever been crawling with maggots. I'm not even sure how that happens.

There are rats on the land behind us though and the little bastards loved our compost bin till husband put metal mesh across the bottom of it.

You may be guilty as charged but I'd be annoyed by an anonymous note too. I'd consider raising it in the group chat: if anyone in this group is sending anonymous notes could they please be polite enough to speak up directly to anyone they have a problem with, so we can solve problems instead of letting them fester, thank you.

Op, can you really not see that you display quite confrontational behaviour if this thread is anything to go by?

For example, "But how many times do I have to say, yes, I fucking know I should take in the bin on Thursdays, BUT that doesn't make it ok for the local neighbouring anonymous cunt to send me a creepy passive aggressive note."

Does that not strike you as an aggressive overreaction to something that really, in the scheme of things, is not that important?

People will have differing levels of comfort when it comes to communication, but I think to call someone a cunt for sending a polite note is off the scale.

I would call out the anonymous notes on the neighbour group and say if there are issues if they could be raised there to give a chance to respond. Also it seems to be a ongoing theme that is not exactly neighbourly.

@NigellaAwesome - MN seems to expect OPs to be meek and complaint. When they push back against people they get told they are aggressive. OP just sounds exasperated to me.

@Eightfour I think there is a world of difference between being meek and compliant and calling someone a cunt for asking to bring their bin in via a note.

@NigellaAwesome - Anonymously sending notes to your neighbours is cunt behaviour. If they’d signed it I would feel differently. Anonymous notes just breed mistrust between neighbours.

It’s entirely understandable behaviour if the person you want to communicate with is pretty much guaranteed to respond aggressively.

I can guarantee you, if this neighbour had knocked on the door and asked them to bring their bucket in, the op would still be pissed off. The only difference would be the wording of the original whinge, it certainly wouldn’t be admiration for someone coming and telling them directly.
She’s knows she’s being lazy and shouldn’t need telling to show consideration for other neighbours.

I think sending anonymous letters is worse than someone occasionally forgetting to bring their bin in.
OP knows that ideally they should always bring it in, but not doing so makes her sloppy, not horrible. On the other hand the writer of the anonymous letter is passive aggressive and quite unpleasant.
If there is a street WhatsApp, I think I'd have to say something on it.

I can see why the letter being anonymous doesn't feel great. But given the reaction I can see why someone wouldn't want to put their name to it. I suspect if they'd put a general message in the chat and OP had felt it was really about her then the question would be why couldn't the interfering person do these things privately.

And the part where the writer is just asking for what they want isn't pass-agg. I guess the part where it's anon is. I think part of the reason OP feels aggrieved is she knows she ought to take it in and is projecting that onto the letter writer. Sure the letter's a bit annoying, but it's not asking anything unreasonable.

I love that some posters are equating the OP’s swearing with her being some sort of threat to someone asking her bring her bins in. Hilarious.

I am a 'normal' neighbour. I don't wander down the street muttering expletives like a crazy witch lady. People are not terrified of me. The anonymous note has been sent to several people, including the girl next door who sings in the church choir. In fact, she's since had a follow-up note after she failed to immediately comply with the first note.

I said "Yes I fucking know" etc, after a general pile in of finger wagging saying I'm in the wrong for not taking the bin in immediately after it's been emptied. I tried (and failed) to pre-empt this by saying upfront that I admit guilt to this crime against the pavement. The point of this post was to ask AIBU to find the anonymous note passive-aggressive; a reality check, if you like. I've since found out that other neighbours got the same note, and they and other neighbours who didn't get the note agree that it's creepy to send anonymous notes.

I do find it interesting how polarised this discussion has been. Mostly, AIBU is really obviously one way or the other. I think most of the YABU votes are voting not on the actual question "AIBU to find this [note] passive-aggressive?" but on the not-question of AIBU to not take in my food caddy immediately, to which I had already admitted guilt.

Except for the subset of the YABU votes who think it’s fine to send anonymous notes if you’re afraid of retribution 🙄

There will be retribution regardless of anonymous neighbour's anonymity.

It's a tiny community and she or he will get found out.

@TheFiestyFeminist "None of our bins has ever been crawling with maggots. I'm not even sure how that happens." I can tell you. Last summer, I opened my kitchen caddy one day and lots of flies flew out. Then I innocently decanted the caddy into the outdoor caddy (the caddy that is the subject of this thread). Then I opened the caddy a few days after, to add another bag of food waste, and it was heaving inside.

And that is how baby flies are made.

Forgot to add they/them as a possibility (haha).

They do attract rats because they smell of food. I wouldn’t have left you a note, I would just ask you to move it so I would describe the note as cowardly not passive aggressive. Just put the food caddy away. It’s the decent and courteous thing to do.

They are outdoor caddies. If they're not out front, they're kept outside, either in back gardens or in the few houses with front gardens, you see them in those front gardens. Zero difference in terms of rats.

And yes, I once again confirm, for about the 20th time, that I have taken in the caddy and it's now attracting rats in the back garden until next week.

Yeah, just remember to bring it in.