How the hell everyone is supposed to cope?

[Oink38]

Having a bad day of mass anxiety.

so, hubby and I earn ok wages. Not huge but we both work for charities so probably earn between 50k between us

childcare is killing us- nearly 1k a month for 3 days a week. We have no family or friends support. Now that the new funding has come in people who aren’t entitled due to being 3 shortly and not getting that funding until September will have to no doubt have their nursery fees raised again.

no pay rises in sight. Meant to be putting into work pension and also saving but honestly where the hell are we supposed to find the money

desperate to move but can’t cos nursery fees are too high.

fed up with this government. Not entitled to any benefits barely surviving month to month. Haven’t had a holiday in 9 years. Drive old car. No fun days out. Barely have anything left to do anything with. Utterly fed up of working for basically shit.

no can’t get other jobs I am specialised in what I do and hubby earns well for the field he is in.

and no we don’t buy take away coffees or avocados

just a massive rant really. Suppose aibu in thinking how the hell people are supposed to survive when everything is going up and no positivity anywhere

Please see my previous response.

I read it before I posted @Oink38

You can't expect any solutions when you aren't willing to budge on anything.

Cheaper nursery? Have you looked around?
Childminder?
Nanny share with another family?

Maybe if you actually said what work you did, people could help more.
Charity sector could mean anything at all.

It's obviously some kind of admin/budgeting/ PR/ coms/ HR ' advisor for their clients, etc within the charity rather than face to face hands on work.

I know you said you spoke to an agency and they said a degree was necessary. I'd not take their word for it.

This begs the question why you never moved jobs in 20 years to try to establish a career elsewhere, with perhaps some supported professional development.

@Parisiennes I get what you’re saying, but OP has said she’d be worse off working full-time (or doing another part-time job).

You seem hell bent on getting a rise out of me

I love my job. I’ve been there twenty years and have established myself well. I will go full time next year when child goes to school.

The point of my post was to moan about everything going crazy. Even if we earnt £100k between us things would still be going up and crazy.

ive worked for other places before this job and hated it. I’ve looked into possibilities.

I wasn’t asking for financial help I was simply looking for a discussion about the cost of everything increasing.

Op, do a calculator to see if you are entitled to help if you put your child in nursery full-time.
We were both part time (temporarily - I went back from mat leave early and then worked part time for a year) and our income was roughly the same as yours, we got no help if we used nursery 2 or 3 days a week but we got 85% costs paid if we used it 5 days, which actually worked out cheaper. We only did this for the month that we actually needed to (since childcare is paid upfront and then claimed back) but would work long term provided you had one months full-time cash available.

It also meant we were eligible for cost of living payment as well as the Scottish child payment which was £50/month.

This ^

only 50k jeez a few years ago that would have been decent wage

Yes but we've just gone through a period of rapid inflation. Come April, minimum wage for a full time working adult will be just under £24k a year. So you are basically both earning the equivalent of minimum wage each, and expecting more than "minimum lifestyle".

I'm not saying it's right! Just explaining that's the way it is. It might be worth thinking about if it would actually be better for 1 person to work while the other person retrains in a higher paying career. One works, one goes to uni, UC helps pay rent and childcare etc. I'm not sure two minimum wage jobs are enough to raise a family on now, rightly or wrongly.

haha thank you, got there before I said the same 😂😂

they are getting it from the ONS, which is the same place you got your statistics!
I know it sounds weird that the average household income is below the average full time salary, but if you think about it is does make sense - as @0rangeCrush pointed out, not all households consist of 2xaveragefull time income earners with/without kids. For £32k to be the average income roughly half of households are earning less than that. Then you have households consisting solely of one earner, where people don't work full time, or where everyone is a student/on benefits/retired, etc.

So yes OP and her husband's salaries are low, particularly for the SE (£50K would not be, but neither of them are earning £50k, that's their total income both together - as OP works part time it's probably something like £18k & £32k/ £15k & £35k) but their overall income isn't particularly.

I know you say pay isn’t high in your sector etc, but I would really be asking for a pay rise. Even a small pay rise should be given to everyone even in charity sector.
Even a small % would surely make a difference? It’s worth asking

I work for a charity. We ahve barely any funds coming in and all funding from places like local authorities has dried up. We are struggling to even survive. We do get a few extra discretionary holiday days to try to make up for the poor wages. I'm not sure it would go down well for me to ask for a pay rise at the moment !

The point of my post was to moan about everything going crazy. Even if we earnt £100k between us things would still be going up and crazy.

You asked how people managed and posters have replied. First, was that very few couples with a child and nursery fees can afford to work part time.

Things aren't still going up.
Inflation has actually fallen for the past few months.

Two things have happened that have hit you.

Mortgage interest rates have gone up. I assume you've tried brokers and seen if you can get a better mortgage deal? Are you locked into a fixed rate?

And there will be a cheaper nursery but as you've not replied to that question, it looks as if you won't consider it.

You've had the double whammy of another £300 a month on your mortgage.
This wasn't predictable BUT when anyone takes out a mortgage they have to anticipate interest hikes.

Loving your job is great, but you've got to accept the downside is it doesn't pay much. If that's how you want to carry on, fine.
But don't ask how other families manage, because the answer is obvious.

I have answered the nursery one. Ours is the cheaper end around our way that includes nappies etc and the hours work in terms of our work

as said several times I’ll be going full time again next year when my wage is above average.

I simply was having a moan whilst having a downer day as every time we thought we’d got a break something else came along and it seems others are in a similar position

but the take away is that I shouldn’t have had my child, I should quit my job and retrain whilst getting help from the government and the career I’ve spent twenty years building and that I love and that helps people I should be ashamed of, quit and pray the person who replaced me doesn’t want children.

I’ve never questioned my job until today. Surely mental health happiness and a good work life balance is important. But fuck it I’ll quit and retrain as a heart surgeon, politician or banker. I’m sure that’ll solve everything

Hey OP, if you want a moan- we all do at times- put it in Chat. You can moan peacefully there without too many people trying to pick you apart.

but the take away is that I shouldn’t have had my child, I should quit my job and retrain whilst getting help from the government and the career I’ve spent twenty years building and that I love and that helps people I should be ashamed of, quit and pray the person who replaced me doesn’t want children.

I’ve never questioned my job until today. Surely mental health happiness and a good work life balance is important. But fuck it I’ll quit and retrain as a heart surgeon, politician or banker. I’m sure that’ll solve everything

You know this isn't what posters are saying. And you know that.

Rather than being a bit huffy, maybe take away some of the better advice, which is to reconsider your work (both of you) because your combined incomes are little over the minimum wage of £24Kpa. And are unlikely to change, relatively, except for maybe a COL annual increase if you're lucky.

You're only 38 and seem to be trapped into a job which has no prospects in terms of pay. And where you skills are not relevant anywhere else.

If this doesn't bother you, and you can see yourself working there till you are 70 (predicted state pension age now) that's fine.

But you're not happy and you started your thread saying you were anxious. So your MH isn't good with the current status quo.

If all will be fine once your child is at school, you've only got a year to sit this out.

But if you want to know how some other families cope, the answer is they have higher incomes OR they live in the NE not Essex, where house prices and the cost of living is higher.

There is no way to say this gently.

The day you and your DH chose to continue your pregnancy and have your baby was the day that "I love my job" had to move a long way down your list of priorities. Lots of people, including several I work with, tolerate well-paid jobs that they hate because they need the money to raise their children. Hell, I tolerate a well-paid job that I hate because I need to pay mortgage and feed my cat and I don't even have kids.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=x2mS3uDqQL4 is reality for a lot of people. You lose the privilege of insisting on doing work you love when you decide to have children.

I have taken away and thanked people who have helpful advice.

also I’m not 38- not sure where that has come from. But I’ll take it as it knocks a good 5 years of my actual age

also- quite a few people on here told me I shouldn’t have had children and that I should get a better paid job as well as my husband. So that’s where that has come from

When we were pregnant things weren’t as ridiculous as they are now.

i Cannot get my head around posts where people say people should have terminated or not had kids. It’s disgusting. Of course just the rich and well of can have kids we have chosen not to have another one which is heartbreaking.

I give up trying to explain that the point of my post wasn’t to ask for financial advice but just to moan that when you thing things are getting better something else comes along and takes money.

Sorry for being a selfish cow and staying in my job, working part time as it actual works out financially better than full time with childcare.

I have zero support from family in terms of childcare.

wish I’d never bloody started this thread.

@Oink38

Mumsnet is, honestly, out of this world toxic. It's honestly better not to post anything personal because 9/10 times you'll get piled upon

Well I did full time and it wrecked my mental health and in turn temporarily negatively affected my relationship with my kids. It’s very, very hard to both work full time in high stress jobs and have your kids in childcare and wraparound care from 7am until 5pm without any family support. Plus, the cost of childcare and wraparound is eye watering.

So, to everyone telling the OP that her answer is to work f/t, that’s not always the best option either from a MH/emotional pov nor from a financial pov.

To put it in perspective my youngest child has left 6th form, and for a job paying £23,000 a year, it’s not his dream job but will give him experince and money.

Everyonebis job hopping as there’s a skills shortage, you have got comfy and worried about doing something about it - it won’t get better, people at work on a higher level than me earn about £1,000 a year more - moving would give them a £5,000 pay rise.

You’re choosing to sit in the shit and complain about it.

Works work, and home life is more important when you have kids.

I down graded to work round the kids then got my career back. It’s possible IF you want to do it.

Most of my wage still helps the kids out because I can afford to do so.

Your employers aren’t broke - they prefer to keep you on the bread line and you are choosing to accept the crusts.

Most employers make is a condition of working from home that you have no child care responsibilities. I am a manager in a well known charity and looking after the kids when you are supposed to be in work could lead to loss of their employment

I’m not on the breadline and for the umpteenth time I’ll be going back full time where obviously my wage will increase.

im not worried about getting another job. Redundancy is a constant threat due to funding where I work so I am always actively looking for work in case of that.

why can’t someone stay in a job they love?

but yet again that wasn’t the point of my post it was to talk about the constant pressure of everything going up- I should have put it in chat but didn’t realise that

I have been where you are. Honestly there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sadly it did also mean we didn’t have any more children. Something I regret deeply.
Once you LO goes to school it does get easier.

Hi, I am sorry that I haven’t read all the comments so this might be a repeat suggestion but does your work offer compressed hours? You do, for example, five days work over four days. They are longer days but then you get a day without paying nursery and don’t lose pay. If you both did this, you could shave two days off? Helped me when I did it but appreciate not all employers can offer this.

Other countries get subsidised childcare because they pay more taxes. Too many years of Tory government means tax cuts leading to cuts in services, subsidies and welfare benefits. People need to realise this and be willing to pay more in taxes.