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AIBU?

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Original poster

Or is DDs ballet teacher too intense?!?

93 replies

FrenchFancie · 09/02/2024 20:02

I can’t decide if I’m being a bit PFB here but.

DD is 11, has been dancing since 4, mostly at a different school. We moved house 18 months ago and she started a new ballet school and this woman is intense to say the least! DD has to do 3-4 hours of ballet every week and isn’t allowed to miss lessons - if she does she may get ‘chopped’ from one of the classes.

the kids regularly come out from classes in tears. I’ve tried to speak to the teacher on several occasions but she’s always too busy. The one time I did get to speak to her I was told ‘I know my teaching methods get the best from the girls so I’m not going to change anything’

i understand from DD that the teacher very rarely praises the girls, instead she’s very critical ‘that needs more work’ and ‘that’s not good enough’. A girl has been sent away from class today and told she can’t continue with it because her feet are wrong and her physique is wrong (I assume the teacher means she’s too plump).

i get that DD is moving up through the grades and therefore things get harder, but this seems to be so intense and unpleasant . I hate seeing DD and the other girls cry. She’s not going to be a professional dancer- this is just meant to be a fun hobby.

whats other people’s experience of ballet beyond grade 3? If we change schools will it be just as bad elsewhere?

and is her teacher too intense or am I just being PFB and assuming it should be more fun than this?

OP posts:
redalex261 · 09/02/2024 20:05

I know nothing about ballet but don’t think any child should be leaving a recreational lesson in tears.

StSwithinsDay · 09/02/2024 20:07

So she is already shaming 11 year olds for not being thin enough for ballet?
I think you know what you need to do.

HotToes · 09/02/2024 20:08

Sounds horrible why does it matter what other classes are like.

romdowa · 09/02/2024 20:08

No way would I pay someone to make my child cry and feel shit about themselves

10ThousandSpoons · 09/02/2024 20:09

I think this is where it becomes the difference between a fun activity and a dedicated professional career.

DeeLusional · 09/02/2024 20:09

I got to "the kids regularly come out from classes in tears". WTF is wrong with you? Get your kid out of that class NOW.

MumEeeee · 09/02/2024 20:09

My middle child danced in a few schools and now the Royal Ballet School and I’ve never ever seen practice like this. His class have a mixed physique and it’s a respectable environment all the way through vocational.
Run away!

MumEeeee · 09/02/2024 20:10

Also, I say this gently, you’ll meet many people who don’t treat children well. You need to learn to advocate better, talk to your child and put their emotions first over anyone else’s wants or needs

Comefromaway · 09/02/2024 20:10

As the mother of someone who went to full time dance school from age 11 I beg you to get her out of there before her mental health is ruined.

WinterDeWinter · 09/02/2024 20:11

Jesus fucking Christ do not put your child through this.

It's bad enough if they're astonishingly gifted and will become prima ballerinas.

But for god's sake do not allow someone to abuse your 'quite good' child!

Moveoverdarlin · 09/02/2024 20:12

I think it all depends on whether your daughter enjoys the lessons. If she doesn’t, let her stop. If she can take the teacher’s criticisms on the chin then fair play to her, let her continue, she’s made of stern stuff. If she’s now 11 and been doing it since she was 4, they are obviously of a good standard. But as a Mum, I see where you’re coming from and if you think she speaks to them badly then speak up, but ballet is notoriously tough as you get to a higher standard than just little tots skipping around.

Threecrows · 09/02/2024 20:13

Nope - you need to find a better teacher.

I had an old witch of a ballet teacher who used to sneer at us. Nothing was ever good enough ( this was at 15 years of age). I hated her, but I have to say she did get the best out of us.

Unfortunately, it made lessons a chore and I gave up. One of my friends became professional, but for the rest of us it just made an enjoyable hobby stressful

CharlotteBog · 09/02/2024 20:13

Never mind PFB, where's your instinct? I bet you a box at The Royal Opera house that not one single person will think this is right.

Comefromaway · 09/02/2024 20:13

Even if she does enjoy the lessons get her out of there and find another school please.

Brainfogmcfogface · 09/02/2024 20:14

Remove her! My daughters dance teacher is strict sometimes but never cruel and always works to a child’s ability. It’s shameful any parent would allow this woman to degrade their child and get away with it.
Regardless if a child in the class will ants to go pro it’s meant to be fun, this isn’t dance moms and she isn’t Abbey Lee fgs. Think of the damage she’s doing to those poor girls for the future, she may get them dancing how she wants but at the cost of their self esteem and self worth, nah just nah.

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 09/02/2024 20:14

Sound like this teacher wants to create prima ballerinas, but not sure who is testing her methods. They are a bit abusive.

KreedKafer · 09/02/2024 20:16

I’m pretty sure other ballet classes exist, so move your daughter now.

Girasoli · 09/02/2024 20:17

It doesn't have to be like that. My old dance school regularly had teens go off to dance college at 18 and though they were strict with us, there was definitely more praise than harsh comments.

If girls weren't allowed to take pointe classes then it was only out of concern for their health (weak ankle type reasons)

I'd look for somewhere else.

Ionacat · 09/02/2024 20:17

It’s not normal. DD is grade 5 and also doing inter foundation and this is for fun. She does around 4.5 hours of ballet a week (then tap and modern on top.) Her teacher (and now teachers) work them hard and they really have to earn praise, but they also laugh and enjoy it. There’s a scale of looks apparently but the dance teacher is in on the joke! The dance school do get a number each year to professional dance training but also most do it for fun and that’s the most important thing.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 09/02/2024 20:18

Get her out straight away. If she was going to be a top ballerina and this woman was the best teacher in Europe then I MIGHT leave her there, if she really really wanted to stay. If it’s something she really enjoys but probably wont make a career out of it then my aim would be to keep her enjoying it and her mental health would be my top priority

MargaretThursday · 09/02/2024 20:18

Get her out asap.

I was talking the other day with a ex-fellow ballet mum. When our dc were small we thought the ballet teacher was lovely. She seemed very sweet to the children.

When my dd2 was about 10yo I spoke to the ballet teacher because she'd been saying one of the girls was being nasty to her in lessons (she is missing her arm and the child in question was making comments about it being "disgusting" and things like that). I'd I witnessed it outside the lessons, exactly what dd2 had been saying. The ballet teacher started by denying it, then when I said I'd seen it told me that she should "rise above it". Which I didn't feel was exactly what I'd have expected from a teacher, but thought maybe she'd taken it in and would now watch out for it.

No. About 4 weeks later one of the other mums came to me and asked if I knew "dd2 was being bullied in class." I started to say what had happened, and said could she speak up about it too, and she stopped me, and said "no, by the ballet teacher." Her dd had told her that the teacher was picking on dd2, by telling her to do things, then shouting at her, not letting her have a turn and things. She said she hadn't believed it, so she had stood behind the curtain to watch a lessons and seen exactly what her dd had said.
We both pulled out daughters out that week. It triggered a mental health crisis including self harm in my dd that took about 5 years to recover from.

My older daughter wanted to continue. It was only when she stopped a year later, she told me that the ballet teacher had refused to speak to her, or her best friend in the class, after I'd pulled dd2 out.

Anyway I was talking to this ex-fellow ballet mum who'd had 2 girls who went all the way through from 3-18yo and as far as I knew they both loved it, and she'd thought it was great. And she said to me that she'd only discovered the damage the teacher had done to both her dds after they'd stopped. They'd put up with so many destructive comments that they'd internalised.

So I'm telling you, pull her out now. Ours appeared on the outside lovely, but it wasn't. If you can see them coming out in tears then I can guarantee that they're putting up with a lot inside.

(And if your dancing school has the initials MT, which isn't the one mine went to, then she's well known for not just having the children in tears, but I've known several parents who have been in tears from what she has said too)

badwolf82 · 09/02/2024 20:18

Sounds incredibly toxic. A children’s dance teacher should only ever critique technique, not physique. And critique should always be done in a way that helps build the child up, not tear them down. Stress and tears and misery have no place in a children’s activity.

madeinmanc · 09/02/2024 20:19

That's how life in the arts is, rightly or wrongly. Music tends to be the same.

goingrouge · 09/02/2024 20:26

My god, take the child out immediately. You are paying for your daughter to be in a toxic and abusive environment. No fucking talent or skill is worth that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2024 20:26

The ballet teacher is preening herself and her "teaching methods" at the expense of small children.

I would get my daughter out of there ASAP. Find another ballet school, or another hobby. But do not leave your daughter at this woman's mercy - because she has no mercy.