Or is DDs ballet teacher too intense?!?

[FrenchFancie]

I can’t decide if I’m being a bit PFB here but.

DD is 11, has been dancing since 4, mostly at a different school. We moved house 18 months ago and she started a new ballet school and this woman is intense to say the least! DD has to do 3-4 hours of ballet every week and isn’t allowed to miss lessons - if she does she may get ‘chopped’ from one of the classes.

the kids regularly come out from classes in tears. I’ve tried to speak to the teacher on several occasions but she’s always too busy. The one time I did get to speak to her I was told ‘I know my teaching methods get the best from the girls so I’m not going to change anything’

i understand from DD that the teacher very rarely praises the girls, instead she’s very critical ‘that needs more work’ and ‘that’s not good enough’. A girl has been sent away from class today and told she can’t continue with it because her feet are wrong and her physique is wrong (I assume the teacher means she’s too plump).

i get that DD is moving up through the grades and therefore things get harder, but this seems to be so intense and unpleasant . I hate seeing DD and the other girls cry. She’s not going to be a professional dancer- this is just meant to be a fun hobby.

whats other people’s experience of ballet beyond grade 3? If we change schools will it be just as bad elsewhere?

and is her teacher too intense or am I just being PFB and assuming it should be more fun than this?

thanks for everyone’s comments - I’ve thought for a while that this teacher was quite toxic, but I wasn’t sure if it was just me being a bit precious.

DD started doing grade 4 and inter foundation in September - every week someone is threatened with having their invite to IF revoked if they don’t meet the standard. Apparently the teacher has a big tick sheet and will say things like ‘Maisie gets three ticks this week but Annabelle only gets one and SOME of you have none at all’. As parents we are never allowed in the room so I don’t see her teach, but I hung out in the hallway today and herd her shouting at the girls for not answering a question.

DD made the school hockey team (which she was dead proud about) but couldn’t play the match she was selected for because she would be late to ballet and the teacher ‘wouldn’t allow it and I won’t be able to continue with IF’.

everything just seems so pressured and if the girls make even a tiny slip they are threatened with no IF, that IF is a privilege and it will be revoked at any sign of weakness.

DD seems happy enough that she leaves when we spoke about it in the car. Such a sham as she used to love dancing and did shows but seems so stressed by it all now.

Sounds awful. I'd be removing my child from this. Find another class. Tbh it's not worth the stress. I have a dd who loves ballet and being it since 3...we taken a break for a term ..she misses it but the pressure has gone..and she can do playdates...ballet parents seems ott some are normal but lots are ott. I'm glad we backed away...might try modern dance instead...

No kid needs that shit. Get her out and let her go do something that makes her feel happy and good about herself.

Fucking hell. My DD is similar age to yours and is in grade 4. She'd want to stop if was coming out crying. Move her

Pull her out . It's not a healthy atmosphere for dd anyway. Join her some other dance class or another activity once she feels ready . No point in talking to someone who is doing this on regular basis. I would though speak to other parents as well. It's not okay at all.

It's not always.

My dc have done various music, private lessons and groups and even though they've got pretty high up, it's been about encouragement and mutual enjoyment.
And they've done drama/Musical theatre, which can be pretty intense, but their group is lovely and very supportive of each other.

In both they've ended up with really good friends, and loved the instructors.

Regardless of whether my child said they were happy to continue or not, I as the adult with a much better perspective on things than a child would be pulling them out of those classes immediately. I know far too many people who had serious mental health problems and eating disorders from dance and gymnastics experiences, it’s one reason I’ve never allowed my daughter to do those activities. There is nothing precious about protecting your child from abuse and bullying.

But it doesn't have to be. It's perfectly possible to get "the best" out of students without being destructive. If a student has professional aspirations, then of course honest conversations are needed about what the requirements are and the effort it will take to get there, and it's also true that this honesty won't always be well received, but there's a big difference between that and plain brutality.

Sounds like a toxic ‘Abby Lee Millet’ type teacher on a massive ego trip.

Take your child elsewhere, there are lots of lovely dance schools out there.

Ballet is a very strict discipline and your child is an older child. I would not be expecting head pats and cuddles at this stage. If she is looking for a hobby rather than a profession now is probably the time to change her class to something else.

My sister is an ex ballet teacher - she took pupils up through all the grades, they had fun, no one was body shamed - or told they couldn’t come to lessons or perform in the shows. Please remove your DD from this class its toxic. Can you report the teacher to their professional body (IDTA I think)

I was taught by ex-pros who had the highest standards. A good number from our school went on to become professional dancers. They never behaved anything like this.

The only time I remember someone being banned from class was when she got too thin. We danced until our feet bled, absolutely, but that was our choice. Almost weekly we were jokingly reminded that we'd need hip replacements by the time we were 30.

There are ways of motivating children, and I do not feel that this is it at all.

Switch dancing schools!
I'm now 35 but I've danced since I was 10 and I did grade 1 up to advanced 2 in ballet (last exam when I was 20)
My teacher never treat us like that!
For me it's always been a hobby but for other people I danced with they have gone into to professional dance schools post 18 and have gone onto professional dancers/performers. So she gets good results from not treating her pupils awfully!
My daughter and niece go to the same school now and love it.

Get her out of there. I have a dd who has done IF (and beyond) and is in a dance school that sends a lot to vocational schools. This is not good teaching, it is not necessary and it is harmful to your dd and the other children.

Agreeing with everyone else. Both my DDs did ballet from age 2 to 18 then danced for fun at uni. Both did up to grade 8 in ballet, grade 5 tap and DD2 did IDTA Inter too. Their ex-professional teacher and her assistant were never anything other than encouraging. In your position, I would move your DD.

Also, I was always allowed to sit in lessons - mostly I didn't want to, but when they did a 45 minute pointe class on a school night, I did. I was always welcomed and made to feel part of the group. As a courtesy if we had an issue with a lesson or illness, we would let the teachers know, and it was never an issue (and we didn't get charged for it). I know we were lucky but it sounds like the OP has a raw deal.

It sounds toxic... move her to a healthier environment. Not all dance schools are like this.

As a music teacher, I think this is unfair. I teach class music, run ensembles and do instrumental teaching and have done for >30 years. My DDs took instrumental lessons and this was never our experience. Please don't generalise.

I’m a teacher, this is no way to treat children. I honestly can’t work out why you haven’t pulled your daughter out of the class yet especially as it’s just a hobby. Her mental health could become permanently affected by this. I’d also get in contact with whoever oversees dancing teachers in this country and complain, or better yet band with the other parents and demand a meeting this woman or write a group letter to get her to stop her awful behaviour

Oh god I had a riding teacher like this. I'd be in tears every lesson.

Eventually my parents refused to let me go there any more and found a new riding school. It was tatty and a bit rundown but the teacher was actually encouraging. I had had no idea I was supposed to have fun doing this hobby!

Get her out, she probably can't make the decision herself, and find a dance school where the kids are having fun.

Dance teacher here and this is completely unacceptable. Yes, good attendance and hard work equals progress, but children should not be leaving class crying, being threatened with being cut from classes or told to leave due to their physique. Find a better dance school and a much more caring teacher- it’s a hobby! It’s teachers like this that give all dance schools a bad name, your daughter deserves better than this.

This may be common, I don't know. But it's certainly not my experience. Dd's dance school might be the single.most welcoming, warm and inclusive clubs/activity we have ever done.

Take her out. If its supposed to be for fun, it's not working. Find a new school and a new teacher.

I did music, not ballet - just here to counter people saying this kind of thing is normal in the arts. It's not. I trained to a high standard, and about 50% of my peers went professional (many via conservatoires). Whilst the "scream at them til they get it right" school of teaching was fairly prevalent at the time many of my teachers learned music (approximately 50 years ago), it was much less common by the time I was learning, and has been totally discredited now (although there are dinosaurs out there). This type of teaching can cause or exacerbate mental illness, performance anxiety and, for dancers in particular, eating disorders. I'm glad your daughter is leaving this ballet school - I hope she finds a better one that will support her to flourish

This sounds like emotional abuse. If the teacher is part of a professional body you can make a complaint to them, or you can contact the LADO at your local council who can coordinate an investigation of the concerns. No one should treat children this way.

Nobody has suggested 'head pats and cuddles'. If you think the only alternative to coddling children is regularly driving them to tears, then I very much hope you're not in any position of authority with young people.

OP, I'd agree with the 98% of people here who say you should move her now. It sounds like a really stressful environment and can't be doing her any good in the long run. Even if she was on a professional pathway, this sort of 'teaching by fear' wouldn't be acceptable.

Fuck me, you need to pull her out. All the people saying “this is just how it is”, are not breaking the bullying cycle. I am in a profession that basically bullied juniors as they were bullied themselves and saw it s a right of passage. Why on earth is any parent keeping their child here, you are just asking for eating disorders and just teaching your daughter she is not good enough and to be shouted at and that’s ok.