To ask how I sort out my life? I'm drowning.

[OneStepCloserToTheEdge]

Family is me, DH and 2-year-old DS. No family.

I work full-time. It's supposed to be flexible on Mondays and Fridays as I have to work half the weekends in any month, but it's often not.

DH lost his job during Covid and hasn't managed to find a new one. He's got a disability that makes employment challenging. He has one freelance client, who pays probably the same amount he'd make from a job, realistically.

Typical week...
Monday - Me and DS do a baby club. I try to work over lunch/nap, DH meets us if DS isn't napping. I take DS to meet friends at the park in the afternoon, DH comes sometimes, otherwise he cleans.
Tuesday - DS at nursery, I work, DH works and does house renovations.
Wednesday - Same as Tuesday
Thursday - DS is with us. I try to work, inevitably fail.
Friday - Sometimes DH takes DS to a toddler club, sometimes I meet friends with him.

I'm really stressed at work, but to leave would need to build back up my self-employment - which worked better for us as a family but I don't have capacity for right now. Ideally I'd build this up in the evenings but I don't get more than an hour or two before the first wake, and I'm often shattered by then, so my brain doesn't work.

DS does not sleep through. He wakes every two hours. Biologically normal, apparantly. DH used to be able to put him to sleep/settle him, but he will not accept anyone but me at the moment, so I do all naptimes/bedtimes/wakes. DH does get up with him at 6am so I can get another hours sleep before I have to get ready for work. If DH goes in, DS shouts and screams, and both get very frustrated, and everyone is awake anyway. I am really hoping this gets better soon... he's the last toddler we know to be waking as much as he does, but most of the rest of them seem to have figured it out by themselves. He's feeding to sleep again, which I suspect is part of the issue... he stopped at 6m but I stupidly let him start again a while back.

We were supposed to be getting professionals to come and do some fairly big house renovations, but all four people who came to quote have cancelled, citing bigger projects/overall business. One today has said they'd love to do the work, but they couldn't fit us in for 19 months. I don't think I can take another 19 months of living in a building site.

DH has been looking for work, but his disability often comes up - and even when it doesn't, wages in his sector have plummeted and he wouldn't earn more than he does now. He may actually bring home less.

I feel absolutely stuck. We could maybe stretch to Thursday's in nursery for DS, but they've hiked prices because of the new 2-hour funding, so it'd be an expensive day... Plus he doesn't really enjoy it, and often we only get him in because his friends are there, and they only do two days. Most of my friends have grandparent support on Thursdays. I could push DH to spend the day with DS on Thursdays, so I can concentrate more - that would have been easier with the house renovations, as I'd have had an office to retreat to, rather than the front room (where the door is, sadly, so they have to see me to come in and out).

Am I missing something? Is this just how it is?

(Please don't suggest cry-it-out for DS. I can't do that. I'm open to suggestions on improving his sleep but through a combination of CPTSD and research, I can't leave him to cry)

I don’t think a 2 year old waking every couple of hours is biologically normal. This is the first thing to be dealt with, once you sleep you feel much better and the day goes better. Pick a sleep training routine and stick with it.

Stretch to the extra nursery day. Have a look at the new rules for funding coming up.

What kind of disability does DH have? Can he realistically pick up more housework, cooking and so on. I assume so given he’s renovating a house.

If your DH is able to look after your son, but not able to work, then he surely needs to be the childcare and allow you to work?

Can you cosleep? My eldest was a nightmare and that's how we survived!

You can't work with a child around, you need childcare be that in the form of nursery or your DH.

@Namechangeforthiss my two year old still wakes quite a few times a night, for a cuddle or a drink. It's absolutely normal.

I would worry they weren’t getting proper stretches of quality deep sleep if they’re constantly wakeful.

Your husband can be the one who settles your son in the night. It might be painful for them both for a couple of night but once your son realises he’s not getting mum in the night no matter how much he yells, he may settle down and decide it’s not worth the trouble. Your husband needs to calm down though.

It’s a bit surprising that your husband can’t easily get a job but is still able to look after his son and renovate a house, but I’m sure that’s just me showing my ignorance. However, he absolutely does need to step
up and allow your proper time to wfh and to sleep and if that means less renovating then so be it.

On a good day, DH can do most things. On a bad one, he's in more pain, but he doesn't have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately, he's obviously disabled down one side, so it puts employers off.

He does most of the housework and cooking, to be fair to him. And he does have DS, I'm not trying to work with him under my feet, but - like this morning - he'll decide he needs Mummy, and stand crying at the door while I'm on the phone, and then I'll be distracted hoping my headphones are cancelling him out rather than fully focusing.

He says he wants to more with DS but DS doesn't want him. Pre-nursery, they spent the 3 days a week together, but DS is in a heavy Mummy phase at the moment that has lasted months. He does not want to do anything with Daddy, and tells him to go away. I'm not sure how they start to fix that. I suspect DH listens to him less and is a bit shorter in general.

DS comes into our bed at around midnight most nights so I can sleep. We don't have room right now for another bed anywhere, so it's all three of us and is a bit tight. DH doesn't fit in DS' bed to go and sleep there. Usually we do okay, but this week DS has been waking up to feed hourly and quite wriggly so DH is being woken up too.

Last night he took DS downstairs for food instead of him feeding, but that just woke DS up and meant we were all up until 4:30am (me from the noise, them from being downstairs).

I did wonder about sleep, but both the GP and HV have said that until 4, some children do just wake very often, and that if he's stubborn, it's just a case of making it as easy as we can until he's older and sleeping for longer periods clicks for him.

It’s a bit surprising that your husband can’t easily get a job but is still able to look after his son and renovate a house, but I’m sure that’s just me showing my ignorance.

"Renovate" was probably the wrong word to use, in hindsight. He's not a builder, so all he's doing really is digging in the garden/plastering a random bit of wall/building IKEA furniture.

The actual renovations need real builders. We've got basement and attic rooms that need finishing from the old owners, to become our bedroom and my office respectively, and our kitchen is from the 1980's and is falling apart, so we need that changing, and then a few aesthetic changes. But no luck getting anyone to do it yet!

I’d stop the breastfeeding

yes it's biologically normal but that doesn't mean you can't try to improve his sleep. he must be tired. Would you consider a sleep consultant? It would help you all so much. Doesn't have to be 'leave to cry'. I can't work out if you're still BF or not but would you consider stopping? Might help with DS being less attached to you, and he has clearly got used to waking up for feeds. And what about a childminder rather than nursery? If you're working full time and DH can't reliable do the childcare, you really need paid childcare.

Oh you're me! My ds is now 4 but this is how it was at 2-3.

I'd say get the sleep sorted. This will mean 2 weeks of hell but it will get better. I'd stop feeding to sleep/on wake ups. My hint here is to use a gro clock. When the clock is awake he can have milk. Start setting it 5 mins after he usually wakes so he has to wait 5 mins. This will create tears but then he gets milk once the clock wakes. Second night 10 mins, third night 20, then 30, then 45, then an hour. And he probably won't bother waking after that.

Get DH to do bedtimes. He's being lazy and he has to find a way. Ds will hate it and kick up a fuss the first week but let DH find his own stuff to do at bedtime with him that's more fun than boring mummy bedtimes.

I would also use the mornings if you can for work. I know this is the worst bit but if you can get up at 5 or 6 and crack out your email and a few mini projects then you'll feel far more on top of things.

I found at that age with my DC if I get really clear about keeping settling them in their own rooms they start to wake up a lot less. I have never left them to cry but I do find it helps to have a boundary here. It is more work in the short term because for a few nights (and to be totally clear, sometimes weeks) you have to keep going back and forth to their room but it is worth it if you're ready to make a change.

I didn't stop feeding to sleep. Just stopping the bringing to bed was enough IME.

I’m sorry if I’m missing something but if you’re working then DH has to do the childcare at those times. If DS is crying for you then DH has to try to distract him or just physically take him away from crying at the office door to do an activity etc. My DD is in a ‘Daddy’ phase at the moment and wants him constantly but when he’s working the office door is closed and she can’t go in there and doesn’t see him until he comes down to make a drink or has lunch. Could you and DH talk more about being firmer on this?

When you're working DH either needs to entertain DS so he doesn't disturb you or physically take him out of the house

Or you go into the office/work elsewhere.

Not to be preemptive, but I'd say your DH allows you to take on too much

A two year old having that many night wakes isn't normal. Stop the BF or feeding him to sleep.
You've got to be cruel to be kind.

The thing that stands out in your post is you’re employed for 5 days but only seems to be working 2 and 1/2 days (Tue, Wed and Sat morning). Why are you and DH both hanging out with your child when you should be working!

If you were working in an office DH would have to crack on with being the primary carer on those days though.

You all need to toughen up a bit - when you're working you are off limits. DH and DS need to understand that and act accordingly, and so do you tbh.

I agree. You are working full-time but only have childcare (nursery) for two days a week, and DH is clearly not doing effective childcare on the Thursday as DS can still disturb you. The Monday/ Friday or weekend working doesn’t seem to be covered by childcare either.

I agree that an easy fix would be for you to leave the house - can you go back to working in the office or work elsewhere? This would also have the benefit of DH being forced to spend more time with DS, which could improve their relationship.

he'll decide he needs Mummy, and stand crying at the door while I'm on the phone

Whats your DH doing while your child is doing this?

In fact what is your DH doing full stop, apart from building a bit of ikea furniture and weeding the garden - and even then, surely there’s only so much of that he can possibly be doing.

Why isn’t he taking on full childcare for the days you’re working? Are you supposed to be working full time?

Because I can’t make head nor tail of your weekly timetable.

I never understand parents who complain their child is waking frequently through the night and they are exhausted - but don’t anyone suggest that they sort that out because no way are they prepared to do that!! 🤦‍♀️

OP you know what you have to do about the night times, you either want to or you don’t.
As for the day times, why don’t you just work full time and Dh does the child care. He can get him out of the house by taking him to playgroups etc… it would also save you money on nursery fees. You can both do housework and build ikea stuff in the evening and weekends.

I would stop breastfeeding altogether and work on other methods for settling your son to sleep at night. You might find that drastically reduces the night wake ups.

I also think you need to change your work set up. If your son isn’t going to go to childcare outside of the home then I think ideally you ought to work outside of the home (employer’s office or a Co-working space). If that’s not possible then I’d work in a room where you’re less visible to your son. On days when he’s well enough your husband could take your son out for the majority of the day- toddler group in the morning, back home for lunch, out to the park in the afternoon, back home for dinner. The current set up doesn’t sound very fair on any of you.

he'll decide he needs Mummy, and stand crying at the door while I'm on the phone
Time you stopped letting a two year old decide anything.
Your DH needs to be assertive with the wee one and take on the household and childcare.

I’m confused do you work from home? If you work from home then you need to shut yourself off in a room and work and let your husband look after your child. or work in a coffee shop or something? How can you get anything done with a needy 2 year old at home?

Work out a way to get your work done without being disturbed. Either find somewhere separate to work in the house (bedroom ?) or find somewhere toy can work outside the home. Regarding sleep, I don't think you necessarily need to stop breastfeeding (i didn't). What worked for me was getting daddy involved in bedtime routine consistently then he'd take over bits then all of it. Then we talked about mummy's turn and daddy's turn at bedtime and I'd make myself scarce it seems like a big change so break it down into smaller steps towards where you want to be. By the age of 2 I naturally wanted to limit the length of some feeds anyway so if I didn't want to feed I'd say ten milkies, ok? get agreement and then count slowly to ten before delatching. Again it took a while for it to become part of our normal routine (and wasnt every feed) but once she had accepted that in the Day I used it at night, at bedtime if she wasn't going to sleep quickly, and for wake ups. We still coslept after first wake up but once she wasn't consistently feeding to sleep every time wake ups were much fewer.

You’re being really unfair on your employer but I’m sure you know that already. When you’re WFH, your husband is the caregiver and should have sole full responsibility for your son.