To ask how I sort out my life? I'm drowning.

[OneStepCloserToTheEdge]

Family is me, DH and 2-year-old DS. No family.

I work full-time. It's supposed to be flexible on Mondays and Fridays as I have to work half the weekends in any month, but it's often not.

DH lost his job during Covid and hasn't managed to find a new one. He's got a disability that makes employment challenging. He has one freelance client, who pays probably the same amount he'd make from a job, realistically.

Typical week...
Monday - Me and DS do a baby club. I try to work over lunch/nap, DH meets us if DS isn't napping. I take DS to meet friends at the park in the afternoon, DH comes sometimes, otherwise he cleans.
Tuesday - DS at nursery, I work, DH works and does house renovations.
Wednesday - Same as Tuesday
Thursday - DS is with us. I try to work, inevitably fail.
Friday - Sometimes DH takes DS to a toddler club, sometimes I meet friends with him.

I'm really stressed at work, but to leave would need to build back up my self-employment - which worked better for us as a family but I don't have capacity for right now. Ideally I'd build this up in the evenings but I don't get more than an hour or two before the first wake, and I'm often shattered by then, so my brain doesn't work.

DS does not sleep through. He wakes every two hours. Biologically normal, apparantly. DH used to be able to put him to sleep/settle him, but he will not accept anyone but me at the moment, so I do all naptimes/bedtimes/wakes. DH does get up with him at 6am so I can get another hours sleep before I have to get ready for work. If DH goes in, DS shouts and screams, and both get very frustrated, and everyone is awake anyway. I am really hoping this gets better soon... he's the last toddler we know to be waking as much as he does, but most of the rest of them seem to have figured it out by themselves. He's feeding to sleep again, which I suspect is part of the issue... he stopped at 6m but I stupidly let him start again a while back.

We were supposed to be getting professionals to come and do some fairly big house renovations, but all four people who came to quote have cancelled, citing bigger projects/overall business. One today has said they'd love to do the work, but they couldn't fit us in for 19 months. I don't think I can take another 19 months of living in a building site.

DH has been looking for work, but his disability often comes up - and even when it doesn't, wages in his sector have plummeted and he wouldn't earn more than he does now. He may actually bring home less.

I feel absolutely stuck. We could maybe stretch to Thursday's in nursery for DS, but they've hiked prices because of the new 2-hour funding, so it'd be an expensive day... Plus he doesn't really enjoy it, and often we only get him in because his friends are there, and they only do two days. Most of my friends have grandparent support on Thursdays. I could push DH to spend the day with DS on Thursdays, so I can concentrate more - that would have been easier with the house renovations, as I'd have had an office to retreat to, rather than the front room (where the door is, sadly, so they have to see me to come in and out).

Am I missing something? Is this just how it is?

(Please don't suggest cry-it-out for DS. I can't do that. I'm open to suggestions on improving his sleep but through a combination of CPTSD and research, I can't leave him to cry)

You haven’t failed him, stop that kind of talk! You have given him as much love as it is humanly possible for you to do. I can say without any shadow of a doubt that he thinks you are the best mummy ever.

You have absolutely not failed him! I think you are failing yourself a little bit, in that you must be exhausted and strung out. But he is getting the best of you. I would say to look into gentle sleep training now for your sake.

ask on the sleep board here, they will help 🙂

Thanks @BadSkiingMum - He is in a bed, so that's useful! I'll give it a try. At the moment I lie next to him in his bed, but that might not be helpful. I'll look for that book too, thank you!

Thanks to you too, @TeatimeBiscuits. I'll search out the sleep board.

Sometimes it's nothing to do with all the things people suggest too. (I remmeebr being told ot just gently "hush pat" by someone whose child that obviously worked for. It doesn't work if they're standing screaming their lungs out 😂)

Kids are all different. Mine woke every 2 hours for ages. For one it turned out to be big tonsils/adenoids leading to sleep apnea. So all the sleep training in the world wouldn't have helped.

Similarly other child turned out to be autistic...

I'm quite glad I didn't persevere with any cry it out as it blatantly wouldn't have worked.

Sometimes the things others think are obvious as it worked for their kid really don't work with yours!

And no not failed. We're all new parents at some point and kids really do differ.

Sleep training isn't on everyone's radar. It is something I could ever do as my daughters sleep issues are due to illness and pain.
What we do do when she is having good days is push her independence. So she has gone from feed to sleep with a bottle in bed to feed on the floor with a cup, you could still breastfeed here, and then an extra story in bed.
She was very reliant on me putting her too bed so now I make myself unavailable 4-5 times a week so daddy is the only choice. This has gone better than expected! The first time she cried for me but since then she has accepted that it's daddy and only daddy
For a while she needed me to be in bed with her to get back to sleep but I started sitting next to her and giving her my arm to cuddle. If she has been awake for over and hour or is unwell I go back into bed get her settled and then slide out again.
She isn't allowed into our bed earlier than 4 am unless unwell so we put her back to bed then.
She has to ask for milk and not being put off with she I'll go in a minute to get a drink and when she does get a drink is less than 2oz or it triggers reflux and more wake up. If giving milk triggers more wake ups and desperate for more milk I would investigate reflux as comfort eating through the night is a classic silent reflux symptom.

I would probably spend a couple of weeks seeing what areas of sleep you could give a gentle nudge towards independence whilst you research a few methods and what you think will work best for you and your child.

I can't recall if I have seen on the thread, are they in a cot or a bed? My daughters sleep improved a lot when we put her in a bed at 2. It had a side so she couldn't roll out and whilst she could climb out most of the time she stayed wanting us to get her out.

Well this is how it's going to be unless you're prepared to put your foot down.
You need to work undisturbed, whether that's by DH getting a grip or by you going elsewhere is up to you.
You need to sleep, you don't want advice on that but it's not actually normal to be woken that many times.
Knock all ideas of renovation on the head right now, it's not the right time. Focus on getting the other stuff under control.

As a fellow FT working Mum who didn't do cry it out...

1. You need to address your ds' sleep. There are many good courses and suggestions that don't require crying it out. At almost 2 I don't think being up every 2 hrs is necessary at all. By addressing it, you will get a better understanding if it's something habitual or something else - for example one of mine had later/older stage reflux. It isn't doing your son any good to be awake so much.
2. You need more childcare - you need a childcare plan for every core working day which sounds like Tu/Wed/Thur.
3. If you work from home can you go elsewhere? A co-working space, coffee shop, somewhere? That puts boundaries in place.
4. I think you are so stressed b/c you can't focus on any one thing. There's too much overlap between work/house/parenting and not enough sleep. Take a couple week's annual leave if you can. Look up Just Chill Mama's courses on toddler sleep, speak to nursery, find a space outside the home to work. Get really on top of those things and move out of survival mode.

Best wishes. I have a feeling all this can be much better. Good luck getting there!

You've not failed him at all. Please don't think that! It's just you can most likely get more sleep now by stopping night feeds. I genuinely think their bodies get used to getting calories at certain time so they wake up for them. A bit like when you're at school and you feel hungry just before dinner time.

If you want good advice on toddler sleep and night weaning you could also try 'The gentle sleep book' or 'still awake'. Both Ockwell-Smith and Hookway have good advice on sleep. There's loads you can do without leaving your child crying on their own.