To ask how I sort out my life? I'm drowning.

[OneStepCloserToTheEdge]

Family is me, DH and 2-year-old DS. No family.

I work full-time. It's supposed to be flexible on Mondays and Fridays as I have to work half the weekends in any month, but it's often not.

DH lost his job during Covid and hasn't managed to find a new one. He's got a disability that makes employment challenging. He has one freelance client, who pays probably the same amount he'd make from a job, realistically.

Typical week...
Monday - Me and DS do a baby club. I try to work over lunch/nap, DH meets us if DS isn't napping. I take DS to meet friends at the park in the afternoon, DH comes sometimes, otherwise he cleans.
Tuesday - DS at nursery, I work, DH works and does house renovations.
Wednesday - Same as Tuesday
Thursday - DS is with us. I try to work, inevitably fail.
Friday - Sometimes DH takes DS to a toddler club, sometimes I meet friends with him.

I'm really stressed at work, but to leave would need to build back up my self-employment - which worked better for us as a family but I don't have capacity for right now. Ideally I'd build this up in the evenings but I don't get more than an hour or two before the first wake, and I'm often shattered by then, so my brain doesn't work.

DS does not sleep through. He wakes every two hours. Biologically normal, apparantly. DH used to be able to put him to sleep/settle him, but he will not accept anyone but me at the moment, so I do all naptimes/bedtimes/wakes. DH does get up with him at 6am so I can get another hours sleep before I have to get ready for work. If DH goes in, DS shouts and screams, and both get very frustrated, and everyone is awake anyway. I am really hoping this gets better soon... he's the last toddler we know to be waking as much as he does, but most of the rest of them seem to have figured it out by themselves. He's feeding to sleep again, which I suspect is part of the issue... he stopped at 6m but I stupidly let him start again a while back.

We were supposed to be getting professionals to come and do some fairly big house renovations, but all four people who came to quote have cancelled, citing bigger projects/overall business. One today has said they'd love to do the work, but they couldn't fit us in for 19 months. I don't think I can take another 19 months of living in a building site.

DH has been looking for work, but his disability often comes up - and even when it doesn't, wages in his sector have plummeted and he wouldn't earn more than he does now. He may actually bring home less.

I feel absolutely stuck. We could maybe stretch to Thursday's in nursery for DS, but they've hiked prices because of the new 2-hour funding, so it'd be an expensive day... Plus he doesn't really enjoy it, and often we only get him in because his friends are there, and they only do two days. Most of my friends have grandparent support on Thursdays. I could push DH to spend the day with DS on Thursdays, so I can concentrate more - that would have been easier with the house renovations, as I'd have had an office to retreat to, rather than the front room (where the door is, sadly, so they have to see me to come in and out).

Am I missing something? Is this just how it is?

(Please don't suggest cry-it-out for DS. I can't do that. I'm open to suggestions on improving his sleep but through a combination of CPTSD and research, I can't leave him to cry)

Take the money! The NHS spends double the amount every year in compensation in maternity as it does on maternity care. They don't give out compensation lightly and the increasing costs of payouts for an individual department can be a red flag that extra attention might be required to that unit. The NHS currently is choosing to continue to make these payouts rather than improve services so they are not required. I am very pro the NHS and most of my family have worked for them but they need to be held to account and it needs to be adequately funded. Do not feel guilty for the money if they are saying your experiences warrant a compensation you absolutely "deserve" it (for want of a better term) njslaw.co.uk/blog/nhs-spends-double-the-amount-on-maternity-payouts/

If you don't want to profit from it day to day, put it in an account and use it for nice things for your son days out and holidays etc.

@Pollenandbloom

I breastfed five DCs, all well past 2. With the one toddler I posted about here, it backfired massively on me. It's not possible to function without sleep, and the toddler was grumpy and irritable too without sleep as she wasn't napping by the time she got to 18 months after being a cat napper up to then.

It is possible for a toddler to function and function well with close physical contact, lots of cuddles, lots of holding, etc that can replace breastfeeding. Nutrition wise, a toddler should be well onto solids and drinking milk and water by 2.5. I never saw breastfeeding as a matter of nutrition alone - it is so much more, but when it is part of a pattern of broken sleep for the whole family at 2.5 an adjustment is needed.

@MamaBearsss
He is two. Too old for a bottle. Why are you treating him like a newborn? Multiple feeds throughout the night, accepting this many wake ups as normal, bottles?
I fully agree, giving him milk every time he wakes is unnecessary, he needs to learn to nod back off or you'll never break this habit of waking .

Get a sofa bed in thw lounge and dh sleeps with ds in your room to wean off the night feeds.

You need to work full time and your DH takes over childcare. You need to stop BF and kick this ‘I only want mummy’ into touch. You are pandering to him at the moment (dare I say pandering to DH a bit too).

Dear lord - take the compensation money!!!!!

That money won't be used elsewhere in the NHS for medical.purposes - you're not taking it from some much needed clinic or operating theater or whatever. The compensation funds are a necessary and normal part of providing a medical service and do not affect the medical end of the operating budget. The reason the NHS offers funds is to prevent people from suing them for billions.

Take the money!

Take the money, give it to builders, get your house sorted so you have somewhere to work. Buy in help, whether that's a cleaner, a sleep consult, a mother's help. Without knowing about your husband's disability it's hard to say if he's doing everything he can. It does seem like you are default parent even though you also work full time and he doesn't.

You need to be absent or DC is going to continue asking for you. I think working in a Flexi space or even local library will be a good idea in the interim. Also please don't worry about people saying their toddler was the same and still doesn't settle at 7, mine didn't sleep through until pretty much 3 and now he likes a solid 12 hours (just 5)

awful thing to say. 2 year olds don’t need BF: they need sleep. And OP asked for help.

A couple more things:
Black out curtains.
A noise machine in DS' room.

DH needs to stop taking the NO! and cries for mummy as a personal rejection of him and stop responding by getting frustrated and tetchy. He needs to develop a thicker skin.

He can approach DS with playfulness and confidence and power through his self doubt with a smile on his face, a friendly voice, songs, rhymes, and a plan to get him out and distracted on days they're together, with a nappy and snack bag, plus milk and water.

Is he really so hungry at night he needs regular feeds?
How much is he eating during the day?

Biologically normal to make mums life so hard? Not a great survival tactic that. Teach your toddler to sleep through. He/she may cry but I promise you it will not turn them into terrible humans. What research has been done on children in a loving home being taught to sleep through? And waking every two hours, maybe it’s time to stop bf? To make your life easier. You are struggling and it’s ok to stop! I’ve bf fed three children to 15 months each I’m all for it. I’m a sort of stay at home mum and it can all be so hard I can’t imagine holding down a proper job too. Some things have to give….if you cracked the sleeping things would be easier and I promise you cuddles because your mum and not a giant dummy/food source are the best!

Take the money!

One of you starts to work full time , the other is with the child. Renovations apart from kitchen ( what really is falling apart? ) can be done anytime, roof is not leaking, no serious crack on walls, so that is ok.

a 2 year old does not need breast feeding but to get used to all these other foods.

sleeping, co-sleeping, arrange this.

what else needs re-arranging?

Look, I fed both my children to natural term (ages 8 and 6 years respectively) but I'm telling you now, your son doesn't need milk in the night and if you nightwean him a lot of things will get easier.

First you talk to him and tell him what's going to happen. In the night he can have water, cuddles, no chatting, no getting up, it's time to sleep.

In the day, he gets attention from the parent allocated to childcare. If you're working, that's not you and your DH needs to take him out and do lots of fun stuff with him so he gets "payment" for sleeping at night.

You can still breastfeed in the day, but when it's convenient for you, he needs to understand when you're working.

You're drowning because you don't have boundaries in place for yourself and you're trying to do everything all the time and that's not possible.

I want to know what job you do where they're okay with 2 full days work instead of 5 (notebook out!)

I think you should take the money.
Try and step back from doing things with DH/DS midweek. You sound like you are such a caring mother, supportive wife and you work so hard. But you can’t be everything to everyone all of the time. And sometimes you need to come first too.
Put DS in childcare another day, ask your DH to ensure he’s distracting him when you’re working and try to resist joining in the fun. Then when you do have time off work (as you’ll be so much more efficient) you can enjoy some quality time with your family.
Take care xxx

Take the compensation money for sure! Presumably they’re hoping you don’t sue them for millions.

Dont give DS bottles of milk at night instead of breastfeeding. He doesn’t need them and you’re just making work for yourselves and filling him up at night so he’ll eat less during the day. Offer him a cup of water and that’s it.

Agree, can’t understand this at all. Mine had no milk in the night from 4 months old.

Make sure he’s having enough calories in the day time and just tell him, he’s a big boy now and doesn’t need milk at night.

Your life will be SO much better with proper sleep.

Take the money.

Stop breastfeeding.

Get an office space for when you're working and DS isn't at nursery.

Try to make DH understand that children pull this with whichever parent they feel is less available. It isn't personal.

I sleep trained when DS was 7 months old and had two weeks of hell but then he slept through, he had been up every 2 hours and it was breaking me. My friend refused any sort of sleep training and just carried on feeding, getting up, giving drinks, all sorts of stuff and that child did not sleep through till he was almost 5 years old. Those boys are now in their twenties and honestly my mate has never been quite the same.

I haven’t read the full thread but have you tried ‘gradual retreat’?

It works best if they are in a bed, not a cot.
Begin by feeding to sleep, but they must be in their bed, you sit next to it and they are lying down feeding. Repeat. They get used to that.

Eventually you begin to finish the feed while they are sleepy but still awake. But you are right there, so it’s ok. Put their bed guard up once they are asleep. Repeat.

You gradually move from being next to their bedside, to slightly further away, to being by the door. Then eventually you are sitting outside the door.

Also look at ‘The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers’.

Just to counter all the scare stories suggesting that if you don’t sleep train, your child will never sleep independently: I night weaned as described above at about 18 months (fairly gently). Did no further sleep training. My child (2.5) will now sleep pretty much anywhere, no problems, doesn’t wake up at night except when sick or jetlagged, is basically a perfect sleeper.

A good friend of mine with a child the same age sleep trained (ferber I think) at 6 months. Since then that child has at least a week a month if not more of frequent night wakings, refused naps, etc. She cannot sleep anywhere other than in her own bed, with blackout curtains and a sound machine. They can’t travel, or even go for a walk at naptime (expecting child to sleep in pushchair), because of the child’s sleep problems.

Sleep training is not a magic cure. The individual child’s temperament and personality play a much bigger role imo.

I never left my kids crying but there are lots of other things you can do to encourage more sleep. Night wean him for starters. Not to the bottle - that could end up the same. It will be hard but worth it and he doesn’t need milk throughout the night like that.

I don’t work two days out of five. Work are not concerned about my hours, but I am concerned that lack of sleep means I am not as good at my job as I was. I’m working both days this weekend, for example. I’ve poorly described the set up, I think, which is probably symptomatic!

As a few people have asked, the renovations will move our room upstairs; into a dormer. DS will come into our room; so he’s got more room. We’ll get a new kitchen, and downstairs will become my office - it’s a basement at the moment but needs some lighting issues etc fixed before I could work in it without looking like I was in a cave, I think. Then there will be a whole staircase and door between me & DS/DH, so they’ll be able to be a bit more “normal” at home, and I’ll be able to focus. I’m going to talk to nursery about DS doing another day anyway, though.

Thanks for all the advice. I’ll take the point on the bottle - it was an absolute fail last night anyway, he outright rejected it. Was awake from 9:30pm to 12:30pm, crying and asking for milk. Eventually went to sleep with DH, but I think it was pretty upsetting for all of us; and he woke up an hour later.

At this point, I wish I’d weaned him a long time ago, but I am where I am. From your posts it seems it was obvious that I needed to stop and sleep train him, but I must have missed the information on that. All the toddler books I’ve read; and the Facebook groups, and our HV and NCT courses; have talked about either cry it out, or letting them slowly drop the night feeds themselves. No one in my NCT group, who are usually pretty honest, have talked about doing this. I had no idea I had to. I feel awful that I’ve failed him. I was a foster kid who felt really disconnected from everyone. Birth was horrific. I genuinely just wanted him to feel loved.

Seriously, try the gradual retreat method from my post above. I was in a very similar position to you at age two, feeding to sleep every night and couldn’t imagine doing cry-it-out for emotional reasons. I had eventually realised that unless I changed something things would not change. But doing gradual retreat worked really well. As you do it really slowly it feels fine for you and your DC, but you can see the progress happening.

I also introduced some really lovely night time music, the same tracks each night, so that became associated with sleep too and made it a much nicer experience for me.

It took a while but it becomes easier and easier as you ‘retreat’ and eventually they no longer need you outside the door. DC has been amazing at going to bed ever since. They always liked their bed and felt really secure in it. We never had problems with them coming down again, or night time worries or anything like that. They are a teen now and still great at actually going to sleep (once they have stopped faffing around!) so I can say that with some confidence!