To ask how I sort out my life? I'm drowning.

[OneStepCloserToTheEdge]

Family is me, DH and 2-year-old DS. No family.

I work full-time. It's supposed to be flexible on Mondays and Fridays as I have to work half the weekends in any month, but it's often not.

DH lost his job during Covid and hasn't managed to find a new one. He's got a disability that makes employment challenging. He has one freelance client, who pays probably the same amount he'd make from a job, realistically.

Typical week...
Monday - Me and DS do a baby club. I try to work over lunch/nap, DH meets us if DS isn't napping. I take DS to meet friends at the park in the afternoon, DH comes sometimes, otherwise he cleans.
Tuesday - DS at nursery, I work, DH works and does house renovations.
Wednesday - Same as Tuesday
Thursday - DS is with us. I try to work, inevitably fail.
Friday - Sometimes DH takes DS to a toddler club, sometimes I meet friends with him.

I'm really stressed at work, but to leave would need to build back up my self-employment - which worked better for us as a family but I don't have capacity for right now. Ideally I'd build this up in the evenings but I don't get more than an hour or two before the first wake, and I'm often shattered by then, so my brain doesn't work.

DS does not sleep through. He wakes every two hours. Biologically normal, apparantly. DH used to be able to put him to sleep/settle him, but he will not accept anyone but me at the moment, so I do all naptimes/bedtimes/wakes. DH does get up with him at 6am so I can get another hours sleep before I have to get ready for work. If DH goes in, DS shouts and screams, and both get very frustrated, and everyone is awake anyway. I am really hoping this gets better soon... he's the last toddler we know to be waking as much as he does, but most of the rest of them seem to have figured it out by themselves. He's feeding to sleep again, which I suspect is part of the issue... he stopped at 6m but I stupidly let him start again a while back.

We were supposed to be getting professionals to come and do some fairly big house renovations, but all four people who came to quote have cancelled, citing bigger projects/overall business. One today has said they'd love to do the work, but they couldn't fit us in for 19 months. I don't think I can take another 19 months of living in a building site.

DH has been looking for work, but his disability often comes up - and even when it doesn't, wages in his sector have plummeted and he wouldn't earn more than he does now. He may actually bring home less.

I feel absolutely stuck. We could maybe stretch to Thursday's in nursery for DS, but they've hiked prices because of the new 2-hour funding, so it'd be an expensive day... Plus he doesn't really enjoy it, and often we only get him in because his friends are there, and they only do two days. Most of my friends have grandparent support on Thursdays. I could push DH to spend the day with DS on Thursdays, so I can concentrate more - that would have been easier with the house renovations, as I'd have had an office to retreat to, rather than the front room (where the door is, sadly, so they have to see me to come in and out).

Am I missing something? Is this just how it is?

(Please don't suggest cry-it-out for DS. I can't do that. I'm open to suggestions on improving his sleep but through a combination of CPTSD and research, I can't leave him to cry)

The thing that jumped out to me too is that you're doing a FT job with two days of childcare. That's never going to work. You either need to put your child into nursery closer to full time or your DH needs to step up

Take him out of nursery to free up funds
He make friends at parents and toddler group
Get your husband to look after him full time
Rediculous your husband getting frustrated when DC screams for you ..
They will both have to get on with it

Your husband is the problem here ,not your child
He needs to be stopping ds from interrupting you when your working
He needs to get on with looking after his child so you can work
Your doing your job and your husband's
Your carrying your husband,I know you said he's limited,but what your describing with your husband sounds like he's not putting the effort in with his son , because it's easier to say ,oh he just wants mummy..but mummy needs to earn the pennies,so daddy needs to step up

Could your huband take your son out on a Thursday? I think that's the only option really so he's not at home for most of the day. 2 is a tricky age, I remember feeling the same and it does get easier.
I would have suggested co-sleeping but you already do that.

Either dh steps up or you need to find another place to work so actually leave the house. They all go through phases but you have to have boundaries and it feels to me like you are trying to please everyone but yourself. I would personally tackle the sleep as this would make a huge difference.

I think you need to look at your childcare and weekly routine. I get that it’s expensive, but it’s a relatively short term expense and it’s clearly not working for you.

How many days a week does your DH need to work? More than 2? It sounds like you can both be flexible with your hours, so you can use that to your advantage to save on childcare, but if your child is at home with one parent, then the other parent either needs to be out of the house or out of sight in an office somewhere. How do you get your job done in essentially half the hours?

Don’t let yourselves be dictated to by a 2 year old. He wants you because he can see you. If you’re not there then he’ll have to make do with daddy. And I would sleep train. It doesn’t mean leaving him to cry, but look into the best way for your family.

Sounds like your husband is a bit crap at parenting to be honest. If you are the breadwinner and he’s not working, he needs to be looking after his son properly. Can you not go back into the office rather than work from home?

I think the first and most obvious step is to figure out what can be done about DS's sleep. I am not a sleep training advocate and actually had a similar situation - at 18 months, my DS was also waking every hour or two, had to be fed back to sleep, etc. etc. I was a shell.

First things first, take him to a GP. Explain in all the gory detail what his sleep actually looks like, what steps you have taken to address it and why you're not on board with CIO sleep training. Be very clear about the effect it's having on you. Do not be fobbed off. I did this and was referred to a specialist - it eventually turned out that DS had sleep apnoea. He was waking up so often because he literally couldn't breathe. Leaving him to cry would not have helped him!

However, at around the same time, I decided to take a different approach with his sleep. I was tired of having him in my bed, attached to my nipple, all night long. I decided that at least that side of things was going to change. I put his (practically untouched!) cot at the end of my bed and explained to him the new regime: We can't have milk until the sun comes up. I can't take you out of your bed until it's time to have milk. If you wake up and it's dark out, you will have to stay in your bed. But don't worry, Mummy is here and will stay with you. I know it's very hard. You like to have milk when you wake up. You like to cuddle with Mummy. It's sad you can't have that anymore. But we can't have milk until it's light out. Right now it's dark. Etc. etc. etc.

The first night he cried for hours - probably about three. But I was with him the whole time, calmly sympathizing with him and offering comfort - a pat, a kiss, but no picking up. He wasn't crying because he was scared and alone, but because he didn't like the new regime - which is ok! He's allowed to have feelings about this. He woke up a lot, and it took probably 30-60 minutes each time for him to get back to sleep, again with me right next to him the whole time.

The second night he cried for about ten minutes, then went to sleep. He woke up several (4? 5?) times, cried for 10-30 minutes each time then fell back asleep.

The third night he cried for maybe a minute, woke up twice and didn't cry before going back to sleep (just asked for me, chatted a little).

Since then, barring illness and travelling, he's gone to bed pretty happily on his own (with me next to him) and puts himself back to sleep when he wakes. I still can't believe the difference. It is like a different child.

I hope this essay helps you. Once you get the sleep sorted, you can move on to some of the other problems, but you will also be in a much better position to deal with them.

I did wonder about sleep, but both the GP and HV have said that until 4, some children do just wake very often, and that if he's stubborn, it's just a case of making it as easy as we can until he's older and sleeping for longer periods clicks for him

Did they say this because you said you were against sleep training? As I can't imagine any professional worth their salt looking at a two year old waking every two hours and suggesting 'just wait it out, it'll get easier'. Some people can't wait it out, some people can't physically or mentally cope for that long with such broken sleep, some people don't have jobs that are the sort you can do sleep deprived, some people have to drive in the day safely. And it's a gamble as to whether it will get better and when: I have friends who didn't sleep train whose kids are still waking multiple times per night at 4-5 who still need soothing back to sleep. Can you imagine being okay with that if it comes to it?

You're being cruel to be kind by not acting on DS's sleep asap to get him sleeping properly. It might feel kind to just leave it and let him magically learn to sleep in time, but think about the impact on him of being deprived of restful stretches of sleep, sleep is so important for brain development, it impacts behaviour, mood etc. how's his behaviour/mood?

Unfortunately if you choose not to sleep train you are choosing to continue with this situation and it seems if you're sleeping terribly it will impact literally everything else. It's also not helpful if you're as a couple letting DS call the shots on who soothes him. You can't possibly continue waking every two hours, working a full time job, doing the majority of the childcare, it's not sustainable and most people would be having a breakdown by now. You need to act now before you get to a point where you fall apart completely.

1. Hire a sleep consultant, and implement their advice. If you've done research that suggests sleep training is harmful, you've unfortunately fallen for nonsense. Sleep training is effective and beneficial and there is no peer-reviewed evidence that indicates it is harmful in any way. Chronic sleep deprivation, however, has plenty of evidence of harm.
2. Start making yourself unavailable when it is your DH's turn to parent his child. The more uncertainty your child senses, the more he recognises he gets to call the shots and demand which parent attends to him, the more he will scream for you (probably associates you with comfort more strongly due to the bf, which is an unfortunate downside) and the more you will be run ragged! No wonder he is waking every two hours needing you if he's feeding to sleep, poor love is understandably expecting to be nursed back to sleep every time he wakes because that's how he falls asleep. Every child wakes in the night, but children learn how to fall asleep independently so when they wake they're not reliant on a caregiver putting them back to sleep. It's not fair on them to fuel that for the long run. Would you like to wake every couple hours and require someone else to get you back to sleep?

PS: it might look like every other kid has figured out sleep by themselves, but that's not necessarily true! So many parents sleep train, then like to pretend it happened naturally because they're nervous of being judged. Whether his sleep is 'normal' or not, it's not sustainable and that's what counts. Plenty of things are 'normal' or 'natural' that are awful things we work to avoid. Be careful you're not falling into the trap of perpetually judging things by whether they're 'biologically normal' (cancer is) or 'natural' (death in childbirth is). Ask yourself what needs changing and change it rather than passively hoping things get better.

Did I read it correctly that your husband took your toddler downstairs in the middle of the night to make him food?! That's INSANE.

You all need to get a grip. This little boy is ruling every element of your lives! You seem in a dither over some very obvious things.

Toddlers don't need to eat during the night.
When you're working you are working.
Your DH can't pass your son over any time he says 'I want mummy'.

Get some structure. Your families must have had structures and routines when you were both growing up, how have you forgotten everything since having a baby?!

Im a SAHM, partner works exclusively from
home upstairs. We have a stairgate at the bottom of the stairs and when DD was going through major Daddy phase wails of dadddyyyy could probably be heard down the road. I just had to distract, move away, calm her down etc. no way could he be involved with my daughter through the day and do his job properly. I think you need to completely physically and mentally distance yourself from your 2 year old and husband when you are working. Also I would definitely stop the feeding all night that sounds like a nightmare for you. Will take a couple of weeks but maybe book some leave and prepare for some bad nights but be consistent and firm and don’t back down if you’ve decided on certain new rules etc (or a gradual sleep training / weaning approach, I’m not saying you need to cut completely just set some boundaries). We had to do the same with the dummy but she can’t remember it now

I'd find somewhere else to work. Is there an office you could go to, or somewhere in your local area that offers space for people to work from?

Also make sure you are fully informed on the upcoming changes to free childcare for 2 year olds and have the right number of hours reserved when your free childcare kicks in :) (and use tax free childcare if you aren’t doing so already)

I have a 3.5 year old who still wakes through the night and for us it's only when it gets to sleeping only in my arms due to horrendous reflux that our paediatrician gets worried.

My daughter given the choice will only have me for everything it's not sustainable so we have to actively encourage her to see dad as a warm and fuzzy carer. On a good week we decided to switch from us both doing bed time to my partner doing bed time. I had every faith that he could manage all of her needs so I arranged to work late that day and sneaked into the house after she had gone up to bed. She will now accept dad for bed time if she is told I have to work. I sometimes have to pop into the study at bedtime to keep up the pretense. We have tried other reason but these were not deemed sufficient by DD! Dad now does 4-5 bed times a week. I do all the overnights as she's not ready to make that jump yet. We can only make these incremental nudges in independence or less reliance on me when we know that her other needs are being met so for us that is reflux being managed by medication and not having allergic reactions

You really need a clear separate between available mummy and work mummy. It's impossible to work effectively with a toddler around which will mean you are working for longer and getting more tired. If a full day child care is unaffordable could you do half a day with your oh doing the other half of the day and maybe find a toddler group they could do together or a trip to the library is free and gets DS out of the house for a bit longer. 1h of uninterrupted work is worth 2-3h of work with a constant threat and actual in interruptions. Are there any office working spaces near you? I don't know how they would compare to coat of child care but you might be able to use them more flexibly 1 day every other week for example for when you need more focus time.

I would suggest leaving DS with DH on a Thursday and going somewhere else to work, does the company you work for have an office you can work from, if not I would go somewhere, even taking your laptop to a local cafe or the library.

You are trying to do a full time job and look after your young child at the same time which is never going to work.

I’d sort out the sleep. Most 2 year olds sleep through, unless they’re unwell. Once you’re getting more sleep, everything is more manageable.

A 2 year old waking hourly to feed is definitely not normal. You need to get him into a proper sleep routine

I don’t know any of my friend/family where their child wake’s several times a night at age 2

Are you one for giving in to DS ? Maybe quiet life?

my ds slept from 5 mths in all night till 7am
Dont get me wrong , at first he’d dry as soon as the pram stopped being pushed (if I went to a shop, it was nightmare in the 80/90’s you could take prams into shops !
When he was small I’m sure he knew it was our tea time, soon as I put him down he’d cry

Until I told health visitor, she told me from very early they know how to latch on to your attention
you just have to persevere
It was horrible listening to a small baby just cry
but I tell you not
within a week he was sleeping from going down at 7-7.30pm till 6.30am
Im was so so glad I stuck with it because I nearly caved loads of times but dh said no leave him .

OP, you have made a rod for your own back
and unless you seriously stop giving in he will rule the roost in your house.
He is not suddenly going to think I’ll sleep tonight in my bed

He need a night time routine
tea time
bath
drink milk in cup - no breast & snack

fed him up at night , his belly full and he will learn to sleep
Im not saying it’s easy but you have to let him know your the parent. Ignore put him back to bed, bedtime (no talking to him just NO Bedtime)

The dh thing , again do not intervene let dh sort it. NO Daddy will do it

If you don’t follow with rules you’ll be upstairs lying with him till he falls asleep or letting him sleep on the sofa and carrying him upstairs

sort it out now, be strong

2 things for me.

Stop feeding to sleep. It's not necessary at 2 years old. Yes, it will be difficult at first but it will make life easier. I have been a completely lone parent since DS was 10 months old and I had to be very strict on sleep schedules otherwise I just wouldn't have been able to function.

DH needs to make sure DS isn't disturbing you at work. He shouldn't be allowing DS to be knocking at the door while you're working. Again, it's not nice seeing your child distressed but he has to be firm.

I agree with this. I sympathise with your DH and it must be dispiriting and hard for him not really having a job since COVID but the bottom line is that you are the breadwinner, he's not working (much) and therefore he has to be the primary caregiver. I think you have to have firmer boundaries about this: it sounds as if quite a lot of the time you're doing childcare while he potters around doing very low level fixing of stuff during the hours you're actually paid to work.

I think he needs to adjust to being a proper carer.

It’s not normal for a two year old to wake to hourly. It’s even less normal for a two year old to breastfeed hourly through the night.

Usually we do okay, but this week DS has been waking up to feed hourly

That is absolute madness.

Sort the sleep and you’ll suddenly find you’re better able to cope with everything else.

I haven't read the responses so someone else may have said this already. For context I am co-sleeping with my 20 month old and I'm an ABM trained peer supporter. Feeding to sleep won't be causing your son to wake more frequently. Some people find that night weaning reduces the number of wakes, some people find it makes no difference.

Personally, I night weaned my daughter at 18m because I was no longer able to sleep through her night feeds. Weaning reduced the number of wakes for us. She now wakes twice a night for a cuddle and water. You MIGHT find replacing night feeds with cuddles and water could also help you to feel more rested. It does for me.

If he's waking and seems distressed I would get him checked for tongue and lip ties if you haven't already done so. Also consider whether something he's eating doesn't agree with him. Every 2 hours is in the range of normal but its still worth checking. Does he seem to be uncomfortable?

There is some shocking advice on here re the stopping breastfeeding being the first port of call - if any of you did any research you'd find plenty of reports of people going to painful lengths to do that and it unfortunately making absolutely no difference to nighttime waking. Breastfeeding is the root of all evils according to MN! Poor kids!

Someone may have already said this but FYI from April, 2 year olds get 15 hours childcare free. It's so expensive isn't it! But yeah 15 hours from this April, then I think it may go up again to 30 hours Sept but not sure on this, it will all be online though somewhere I'm sure

Why is it "poor kids?" Kids don't need breastfeeding at 2 years old. I don't think it's the root of all evil but having to feed a 2 year old to sleep multiple times a night is not feasible for a working mum, it would make everyone's life easier.