DD20 says she would still live with me if I had given her that option

[Mastmw7g]

I want to ask if I was unreasonable for allowing the way DH encouraged her to move out, but that's probably an unreasonable thing to ask. I felt sometimes like he was almost manipulating her. So it was her choice, but she was very hesitant to make that choice.

Living with her was awful. It wasn't good for my younger children, so I know it was the best choice for the rest of us. But I doubt it was the best choice for her. I've had this surge of anxiety since she moved out and even started therapy. It's possible I'm codependent. Why else would I worry about her when I should be sleeping?

Regardless, yesterday I went over her home and she said she would still live with me if I had given her that option. In therapy I was asked if she chose to leave or I made her leave and I truthfully didn't know the answer, but I suppose now I do. I made her leave because she felt she had no option to stay. Now I'm still distracted from everything I do because I'm nervous and worried for her, but I also feel deep guilt for making her fly before she was ready to leave the nest.

Is your dh her father? I think that would change how I would feel regarding his input into getting your dd to leave.Was the conflict because she didn't like his role in her life?

Living with her was awful

Would be useful to have more detail on why it was awful. Was it her fault or someone else's? Was it due to mental health? Did she hurt anyone or did you and DH expect her to do all the housework etc?

I'm not sure what you're trying to get out of this post if I'm honest. It's unclear why you asked her to move out. However, if it was awful living with her, and you had tried your best to make it work, I don't see why your should feel guilty for asking an adult to move out?

You’re going to need to give a lot more detail before anyone can advise you properly - how are we meant to know whether you’re being unreasonable when you’ve hardly shared any information?!

There really isn't enough info in the OP to advise

@hiredandsqueak He's her stepfather, but she prefers him to me. He's always had trouble saying no to her, so there's never been conflict over his role in her life. The conflict would usually be because she'd be told not to say certain things in the presence of her siblings, but we'd also have issues like when we went out as a family and had to leave early because she started to object to something I said to her privately days before, and began crying and saying I was threatening her. Then sobbed loudly for the entire drive home. Another time my younger daughter told my MIL that her sister was messy, and my 20 year old exploded in anger and said never to talk about her to my MIL, "keep my name out of your mouth when you're talking to others." It wasn't constant fighting, but it was very tense while we walked on eggshells to try and keep from upsetting her.

I guess the real question is how is she doing on her own? You didn’t mention anything is bad about her current situation so can’t you just leave her comment on the table so to speak. I’m sure she was comfortable living with the family. You all bent backwards for her… what’s not to love from her perspective.

Just because she expressed her wishes doesn’t mean you have to pick them up and make them your own. Maybe if you’re still in therapy use this as a discussion topic.

She does sound very hard to live with. Does she have MH issues?

I think it's best she continues to live elsewhere if she is otherwise independent and resilient. It's hard for me to conceive of leaving home for good at 20 as I moved out for university and then moved back home until my 30s.

But I always respected my parents home as an adult and fell in with their rules and paid rent. I would not have ever spoken to my mum the way your dd spoke to you. It sounds a bit sociopathic.

I think from your limited posts living with her was awful, she was exploding at everyone, upsetting her younger siblings, you were on eggshells, this is no way to live.

However, you don't know what you have until you lose it, she may now be realising that being at home was much easier than being fully independent. It doesn't mean she should move back in. It might also mean she is reflecting on her behaviour that saw her leave her home. Key question, has she ever apologised for her behaviour?

Ds1 is absolutely lovely, he is away at uni, very capable but he does say it is lovely to come home for uni holidays and have someone else cook some of the meals, do the food shopping and his laundry. I don't work so this is all very easy for me to do and when he is away at uni he does all these things, eats well, cooks from scratch sort of person. But he says it is the mental load of meal planning, scheduling in haircuts etc that sound really trivial but all add up as well as doing an intense degree. He is in his final year and cannot wait to come home.

I think it can be difficult. My youngest is 20 and stll lives at home she seems very young to me still. My others left when they were ready, it was always their choice. Having said that mine are easy to live with so I never felt the need to push them to move out. I am sure step parents and younger siblings make things more complicated though.

@Ktime She has a very bad temper. Yesterday, she had a notice on her door that she hadn't paid her rent for February and would be removed if she didn't pay. She asked DH to come over to provide "backup" while she confronted a worker in the office. DH went with me, to make sure she didn't yell and scream or physically confront anyone.

She made threats and said she was going to be violent, but in the office she just spoke to the woman with a rude tone. It was a computer system error and she was told to disregard the notice. There was no reason for her to be so confrontational.

The more you post the more I think don't move her back in.

You made the right decision. Is she working?

You have other posts about her haven't you? Whether she chose to leave or felt she had to living at home isn't making her or the rest of the family happy and she needs to stay away. You can support her when she lives elsewhere.

I think you know she had to move out as it wasn't working with siblings etc. However it is okay to feel guilty, and feel that you could have done something different. However it is very hard to change a person, and when it is your child, it hurts a lot. But you know you did everything you could, and some kids are just hard.

@SeaBlueSky I don't think anyone can assess whether I'm unreasonable. I wanted to ask the question, but realized what was unreasonable was asking it in the first place.

I'd say she has very low self esteem - that's why she was so difficult to live with and what was making her cry and explode when people said negative things to or about her. She didn't feel safe or loved at your house for whatever reason. She needed clear consistent boundaries but instead had a step father who never said no to her and then manipulated her into leaving when he'd had enough.

I feel really bad for her.

I would emphasise the maturity that comes with looking after yourself, that you learn things living alone that never occur to you when you live with family. Like being appreciative and not making people around you uncomfortable.

Reassure her she is always your daughter wherever she lives, and you will always support her as best you are able.

(And make a special effort to spend time with her without the younger siblings- I hear a bit of jealousy there, from her. She’s desperate to keep SD on side, and punishing you for having more children leaving her feeling insecure. Obviously just a guess, but that’s how it sounds)

She is an adult. She is unpleasant to live with. Don’t beat yourself up over it all. Sounds like she needs to figure it out for herself.
Yes I probably sound a bit harsh but why do we infantilise grown adults? I would expect anyone aged 20 to be learning from their own mistakes, not being pandered to by parents who are willing to be treated with disrespect.
That said, I think pickled’s approach above is spot on, and will help her to figure it out herself whilst feeling supported.

Does she have a diagnosis of anything? Is it supported accommodation? She sounds like someone I know with a personality disorder. I think you've had some good advice here about maintaining your relationship whilst helping her to become more independent.

Ok well from your updates, there's nothing you can do. It may help you to think more of your other kids. Remind yourself that if you hadn't done this, you would feel guilty for forcing them to grow up around the environment she was causing. Even if she had a diagnosis, she sounds typical enough to be independent, so she will have to learn, and life does that quickly once you live alone. She will learn that you get further with kindness. Or she won't. Some people are unfortunately just like this. It's not your fault.

It sounds like you did the right thing getting her out. I think you're overthinking it and your DH needs to establish some healthy boundaries with her, as him appeasing her is not helping her at all. It's also teaching her that she can disrespect you and he does nothing.

I agree. She sounds vulnerable and in need of mental health support to me. My 19yo can be hard work sometimes, because he's mentally unwell and distressed a lot of the time. The thought of him out on his own in his current state is terrifying. I do look forward to the day he can move on, but not until he's stable and well enough to manage independently.

OP what's done is done, but I would be trying to offer as much support as possible, and accepting that the way she was managed out of her home has probably made her mental health problems worse. You may have to hear some difficult things if you want an honest relationship with her in the future.

She says she's unhappy. But I don't believe she was happy living with us, either. She does have a good time when she goes out, but then she said it's a letdown when she comes home. Financially, she makes enough to pay her bills, but I worry she doesn't have enough for food or to get around, especially since I know she believes in going out and spending money to make herself feel happy.

I am still in therapy. I just started, so I'm at a point where it makes me feel worse. I think I need to get through this part before I can learn strategies to feel better.

@Ktime She has mental health diagnoses from when she was younger, but I do wonder if she has a personality disorder or something similar. She hasn't seen a psychiatrist since becoming an adult, but she is open to therapy. She recently said she would like DH to help her choose a new therapist.

So she’s in the same boat as every just starting out young adult.

Stick with the therapy… I think it will help you recalibrate. It’s normal to worry, it’s normal to feel sad if they’re struggling a bit. It’s not normal or healthy for you to feel guilty for others decisions nor is healthy for you to tie yourself up in knots because of her feelings.

A wise person once told me “You don’t own anyone else’s issues” if she’s unhappy with something in her life it she owns those feelings and the responsibility to make changes.

You and your DH sound like you are giving normal physical support to an adult at her stage of life. That’s really a positive thing. You need to make sure you’re also giving her the emotional space to mature. That comes with a bit of bad decision making, frustration, and yes sadness. It also comes with excitement, self satisfaction, and enjoyment. All young adults need a healthy amount of good and not so good to grow

Some people you can live with and some you can’t. Don’t feel guilty for providing a better place for you and your family to live in - that amount of negativity in a home is not good for anyone.