DD20 says she would still live with me if I had given her that option

[Mastmw7g]

I want to ask if I was unreasonable for allowing the way DH encouraged her to move out, but that's probably an unreasonable thing to ask. I felt sometimes like he was almost manipulating her. So it was her choice, but she was very hesitant to make that choice.

Living with her was awful. It wasn't good for my younger children, so I know it was the best choice for the rest of us. But I doubt it was the best choice for her. I've had this surge of anxiety since she moved out and even started therapy. It's possible I'm codependent. Why else would I worry about her when I should be sleeping?

Regardless, yesterday I went over her home and she said she would still live with me if I had given her that option. In therapy I was asked if she chose to leave or I made her leave and I truthfully didn't know the answer, but I suppose now I do. I made her leave because she felt she had no option to stay. Now I'm still distracted from everything I do because I'm nervous and worried for her, but I also feel deep guilt for making her fly before she was ready to leave the nest.

If she didn't eat, she would stand in front of him and show him that her hand was shaking from not having eaten and he would immediately make her food, whatever she asked for. She would ask for a different meal than the rest of us were having and he'd cook that for her or leave to go pick up what she wanted.

So was the hand shaking real or attention seeking? She sounds like a spoiled little madam who's actually trying to bully you into buying her what she wants!

OP if your DD is going to grow up and become a better person that has to come from her. You wanting it for her isn't going to be enough to change things.

The dynamic between you and especially your DH and her sounds very unhealthy from what you have told us. She might be better off with some third party help, support with her mental health, life coaching or even some mature peers that she respects. It doesn't seem like something you can fix when there's obviously a lot of baggage between you.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my posts.
Obviously you have lived with and know the situation way better than me, as I have only read your posts on this thread.
I think being controlling can rooted in fear and insecurity, though, It’s a way of minimising things you are not comfortable with and ensuring your environment is the way you want it. It’s a way of having your needs met, without considering the needs of other people or seeing those other people as lesser.
The reason I wondered about your agency and whether your husband is controlling is because of the amount of times you say ‘my husband said’ and refer to what he does or does not do or want or think. This sticks out a bit because you are describing your daughter and it seems almost like you do not know how to relate to her. So how is it that you do not know how to relate to your own DD and have to learn the best way forward?
It seems to me that this is because your husband has asserted his way of looking after her, even though she is your daughter, even though it made you angry. I think that is controlling.
However, what matters now is how you find a way forward. And the important part in that sentence is you . Not what your husband says or what his boundaries are or his health needs or his fear of conflict or any of that. How you find a way forward, with your DD. because to be honest, that is what you should have been allowed to do for the last fourteen (I think) years.

@Testina He would say that the difference there is that she is an adult now. I told him that I understand that the only way she will change is if we change, but just because he changed suddenly doesn't mean I did.

I asked her and she got very angry, called my husband and said he needed to stop avoiding her when she's over our house, and stay with her to help mediate between the two of us. So I don't think I should approach her on the subject again.

@unsureaboutmyheart It sounds like you're expressing concern about how my writing comes across and comparing it to experiences you've had with emotional and verbal abuse from your own mother. I want to assure you that it's not my intention to manipulate or paint a negative picture of my daughter. I appreciate your perspective and your willingness to share your own story.

I understand that my posts may have raised some red flags for you, and I want to clarify that I'm simply sharing my experiences. I'm open to hearing different perspectives and know that there may is more to the story. I've posted a great deal about it, so this isn't even the whole story of my post history.

I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced with your own mother, and I admire your courage in setting boundaries to protect yourself. It's important to acknowledge the impact of trauma and how it can affect someone's behavior.

Moving forward, I'll make sure to consider how my words might be perceived and strive to be more mindful of how I present my experiences. Thank you for bringing your concerns to my attention.

So your husband was really over-involved with your daughter for ages (as in, fussing over her to a large degree) and then suddenly decided he was done and she should move out. He now avoids her when she is in your home.

OP, this is so weird and really seems to me to indicate that their relationship has been/is a very unhealthy one. The fact that he is now avoiding her sets off alarm bells for me.

We're ok. He said yesterday that he often thinks the best way forward is the decision he made and that causes him to disregard the decisions of others, so that's a trait he has to work on.

@Ktime I wouldn't say our other dc prefer me to him. They are just as likely to come to me if they want something. My youngest daughter prefers her grandmother to either of us. That's the only thing I can think of.

She had a specific bed she wanted.

We have two sons. In the past I've objected to how hard he is on them, and he said some nonsense about believing the world doesn't give second chances to men. I said that was silly coming from a white man.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit I appreciate your reminder to ensure my younger children receive attention and care as well. I'm really sorry you felt there wasn't anything left for you because your brother's MH needs were so great.

@anon2022anon Thank you for your advice and perspective. It's reassuring to hear someone thinks my daughter is doing ok.

I appreciate your suggestions on how to handle situations when she overreacts. I asked my husband if he would have gotten mad at me if I'd encouraged her to calm down and think things through, and he admitted it would have depended on her reaction. I do think she should find someone to move in with her and help share expenses, but she says she doesn't want to do that. She's only lived alone for a month, though, so she might change her mind. She definitely doesn't feel financially secure and like she has the flexibility to enjoy life.

@Tempnamechng She's made some comments that leave me worried about how effective therapy will be. She won't tolerate a therapist who tells her how she's feeling in the form of a question, whatever that means. She just wants someone who will listen and allow her to come to her own insights while talking. I hope she finds someone who is a good fit with her, and think it's better for her to be seeing a therapist than not.

I still don't know how I feel about her moving out. If she could move back if it didn't work, I'd worry less. I have this resentment against my husband because she sees me as her enemy at times and still prefers him. I want to tell her so many things, but she wouldn't believe me or would just think I was trying to damage her relationship with him. I am the one who actually likes her as a person and enjoys spending time with her. I defend her privately with him. But he's still the one she has the most positive interactions with.

@Kelly51 I have written many posts. When I've been told on this thread that there must be more to the story, my first thought is that there really is because I've posted so much more at other times. But this post was the first since she moved out and is paying her own way. If we were paying her rent I wouldn't worry the same way. So the advice I'm getting is new and helps give me insight into how I can support her emotionally while not supporting her financially.

@Mastmw7g I'm not sure why your husband would be mad at you telling her to calm down? What does he think the appropriate response to someone just out of their teens threatening violence is?

I agree with you.

Id be interested to know more of the background, how old was she when you brought your (controlling) dh into her life? Are the siblings in the house full/step/half?

Boundaries are all well and good, but she sounds like she’s literally crying out for the right kind of love attention and support, not necessarily therapy and medication.

I have quite a complicated relationship with my dd but she always knew she could come home of things didn’t work out with her now ex-partner, and she did, despite her being away for several years

This is why I'm thinking she needs some peer support from a neutral party. The relationship between mum, stepdad and this young woman sounds very complex.

@BoohooWoohoo When my husband has said I have to stop doing so much for her, I've pointed out how much he's done for her. He's replied that the difference is that she's an adult living on her own now who's responsible for her own finances.

I agree that it's crucial to ensure that my younger children are prepared for adulthood and equipped with the necessary skills and responsibilities. So far, we only have arguments about food with my younger daughter. I think he babies her when it comes to food. It all seems very familiar to me, but I made a post about it in the past on here and it was controversial because the most important thing is that a girl eat and not develop an unhealthy relationship with food.

I do need to stop asking her about furniture. She's angry with me right now because I brought up furniture and said "So you haven't seen anything you like enough to buy?" and she became really upset because she said I had told her how she was feeling in the form of a question. My husband was upstairs, so she called him and said he had to come downstairs and mediate between us. She no longer wants to deal with me without him present. It was then suggested that we were not the appropriate caretakers for her dog while she's working if it causes so much conflict when she comes to collect the dog. She said that was a threat and she will not tolerate being threatened. It was awful, and all began because I asked about furniture. So I know that's a topic I need to avoid.

She does specifically ask me for help to find another job. She messaged me while she's at work and asks. In the future, I'm going to wait until she asks me in person. Because it never works out. She messaged "Will you help me find a new job? I'll do anything that makes more money" then after work she says she's mentally exhausted and doesn't have the energy to look at jobs online.

@MyHornCanPierceTheSky I'm sure the hand shaking was real. She's does things for attention, but doesn't lie for attention.

Why did she need to draw attention to it, is food locked away from her, is she unable to make herself something to eat? It absolutely sounds like ultimate princess syndrome where she has to be the centre of attention and will get this from drama llama like this, or threatening violence. She's 20 so young I agree but this behaviour is like an under 10!

She no longer wants to deal with me without him present.
Yet comes to you for help re a job, what a manipulative little madam.

I don't think I'm trying to force her to become a better person. The time for me to shape what person she'd be is past. I'll support her in getting a therapist, but I know from experience that she'll discontinue therapy if she feels challenged. So I'm not looking for therapy to change her. I do hope it makes her feel listened to, which hopefully relieves some of her sadness.

She's reacted very badly in the past to people her age, and has cut off friends and my family for challenging her behavior. She's not going to pay for a life coach when she's satisfied with the way she behaves, and my husband is done. It was hard enough to get him to agree to pay for therapy.

@DaffodilsAlready Thank you. This was a thoughtful response. I appreciate your insights into the dynamics of control and how it can manifest in relationships.

You raise valid points about the importance of agency and finding a way forward that prioritizes my relationship with my daughter. It's true that my husband's influence and our dynamic as a couple has impacted my ability to fully engage with my daughter in the past.

Moving forward, I see the need to assert my own agency and take a more active role in supporting my daughter. It's hard because she may have asked me to help her over the last month, but she says our interactions are always negative. Whereas she finds her interactions with him to be mostly positive. I may need to find ways to relate to her independently of my husband, but at this point in time she has no interest in dealing with me unless he's also present.

She says he avoids her. He disagrees with this and told me that how he deals with her is by keeping busy. When she has come to pick up her dog from us, she made a habit of spending hours here. I would sit down and talk to her while he would not make himself available to her. He said this is because it's so easy for her to suddenly have an outburst. When this happened in the past month and he told her to leave she said she wasn't done with the conversation and stayed for three more hours, following him around until he had not been saying anything long enough and she thought he agreed with her.