DD20 says she would still live with me if I had given her that option

[Mastmw7g]

I want to ask if I was unreasonable for allowing the way DH encouraged her to move out, but that's probably an unreasonable thing to ask. I felt sometimes like he was almost manipulating her. So it was her choice, but she was very hesitant to make that choice.

Living with her was awful. It wasn't good for my younger children, so I know it was the best choice for the rest of us. But I doubt it was the best choice for her. I've had this surge of anxiety since she moved out and even started therapy. It's possible I'm codependent. Why else would I worry about her when I should be sleeping?

Regardless, yesterday I went over her home and she said she would still live with me if I had given her that option. In therapy I was asked if she chose to leave or I made her leave and I truthfully didn't know the answer, but I suppose now I do. I made her leave because she felt she had no option to stay. Now I'm still distracted from everything I do because I'm nervous and worried for her, but I also feel deep guilt for making her fly before she was ready to leave the nest.

There is something weird as fuck going on with your husband 🤷🏻‍♀️
Who cuts up meat for a teen, then a couple of years on, won’t buy them a chair for a new flat?

Is it that she doesn't want to spend her own money on furniture, doesn't want any furniture she's bought by you to be 2nd hand and will only accept brand new her perfection?

I’m probably going to get attacked here but I find your updates odd and I feel sorry for your daughter. The way you are writing raises alarm bells for me, it comes across manipulative. All you are doing is painting a bad picture of your daughter to strangers and criticising her and making it seem like you don’t know why she is like this. There’s obviously a reason she is like this - IF she is like this. My mum has been incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive to me my entire life, and I’ve recently gone LC with her at 28. She would talk badly about me to other people to paint herself as the doting victim mother who doesn’t understand why her child is just so awful. I’m not saying this is you, but your posts are very much like her and it makes me suspicious that there’s a lot more to the story and her side would be very different. I don’t know you so can’t say, but my there’s something about the way you’re sort of half blaming yourself in a way that still makes you look like you’re trying your best that makes me feel like there’s probably a big reason for her actions (if totally true). People are quick to blame mental illness in people who actually didn’t have the normal parenting experience. Sounds like she’s dealing with trauma and I feel bad for her.

My spidey sense are up about your husband. He sounds weirdly controlling.

Are you all ok?

@Gerwurtztraminer It sounds like you're offering some valuable insight and advice. I need to approach the situation with empathy and understanding while also encouraging independence and growth. I asked my therapist for an easy way to tell if I'm doing normal support for an adult child or being codependent and she just asked me several questions. I think she was trying to get me to be independent instead of relying on her for the answer. Encouraging me to step back and let my daughter make her own choices, even if they're not always the best ones, can be a crucial step in her development as an independent adult. It's a delicate balance, but ultimately empowering her to learn from her mistakes and take responsibility for her own life is key.

Her mother was much less sympathetic about her various dramas and got annoyed with him a lot - I'm sure it didn't help their relationship (now divorced)."

I used to fight with my husband often about how he treated her. I had a lot of anger, and it's a wonder we didn't divorce. I'm feeling now like he cut her off while she's still very dependent. And I'm trying to not feel resentful that she's turned all this reliance on me, but I need to acknowledge the role I played. Even if I did agree, I stayed married which is a choice. And eventually I focused on controlling my anger, which had the side effect of going along with her not learning independence. Right now she's coming to me instead of him and that's unfamiliar territory. I know I need to get this right.

I joined an online support group for failure to launch and I have read the posts of others. My daughter has a car, a job, lives elsewhere in a home of her own, and has finished school. These are things the other parents would give anything for. So she has all the keys. I need to stop opening door for her, especially with things like the furniture where she hasn't even asked for my help.

@anon2022anon It sounds like you've handled similar situations with your own daughter quite effectively, setting boundaries while still offering support and guidance when needed. Encouraging independence and responsibility is crucial at that age, and it's understandable to expect them to take initiative in solving their own issues. Boundaries can indeed be beneficial in fostering growth and self-reliance. Your approach of offering assistance with job hunting while also expecting her to take the lead is a balanced way to encourage her to take ownership of her choices and actions. And emphasizing the importance of making decisions, even if they're not perfect, is a valuable lesson in adulthood. And it sounds like I need to stop worrying so much about furniture. I approached her about her furniture and it did not go well. My husband said I shouldn't have asked her about her furniture. I'm finding it difficult to know the right things to say and do in practice, even if I'm beginning to understand it in theory.

@HalebiHabibti I used to think he was just over compensating for being a stepparent, but I see many of the same behaviors around food with him in his interactions with our daughter together around food. So this just may be how he treats girls.

No wonder you're resentful, your dh has set up your dd to fail.

Is there a reason why he made her to reliant on him? Do you have other dc that prefer you to him?

@Nssdth You're right that it's important to consider the underlying factors contributing to a person's behavior rather than labeling them as "bad." I need to reflect on influences before I can understand and address the root causes of her behavior. I really am doing my best to be honest in therapy and self-reflect, even when it's uncomfortable. I know I need to establish boundaries, too. I just want them to be more compassionate than just cutting her off without having given her the foundation to be independent.

Did she not have her own bedroom furniture to take with her when she moved?

@AdriftAbroad1 I don't think I would say my husband is controlling because he has so much fear of conflict. I understand why you'd feel sorry for my daughter, though. I have had so much anger in the past that it seems to kind to call myself passive. But I'll take note of that and make an effort to take a more active role.

Do you have any sons OP? It is a bit odd that he has decided girls need so much babying (only to be suddenly dropped when he's had enough it seems).

Reading the OP and subsequent responses is like wading through treacle

Omg what a complex bunch of issues. The hand shaking food thing is in itself so weird. And the things you posted at the start about how you would have to come home because she was crying in public. You daughter clearly has a lot of MH issues. The whole thread reminded me of my brothers struggles. He was bi polar. Not saying your daughter is but something is definitely going on here.
I can't help obviously, I'm just another random stranger, but I would say you are focused on your older daughter so much I do wonder how the younger children are doing. Maybe you and your husband could plan some activities for them. I was the younger sibling and my childhood has some very unhappy memories because my brother needed so much there was just nothing left for me.

Honestly, step back from it all. You've realised you don't need to be on the failure to launch group- great. She's doing okay.
She doesn't want to go to further therapy and enjoys looking for her own solutions. Okay. If further issues develop, then look at them then.
She's enjoying having time alone with you on one night a week- that's lovely, and it sounds like the first time it's happened regularly, so enjoy it.
She's currently cooking for herself, doesn't sound like she's getting into debt, has some savings and is holding down a job.

Where it sounds like she does need you is when the teenage tendancy to over-react kicks in- they all do this, by the way. But she doesn't necessarily need you to babysit her, but instead to tell her to calm down and think about what she wants the outcome to be before she kicks off or does something dramatic.

Thinking back, what might have been a better option than marching down with her to the rent office with the threat of violence? I personally would have told my daughter to stop being silly, as she's not a child or a thug, to go get a cup of tea, and then to call back. Once she's calm, does she need some help getting an email written asking them to check again, can she take a screenshot of her payment going out, take it from there.

When she's threatening to quit her job, again tell her to cool down and think it through. She hates it, she might be better elsewhere, but now she's an adult and needs to think it through first. That means looking for the next job while she's in one, and keeping a bit extra in the bank while she's looking if she can. Your job is to help her see the bigger picture, not to jump to fixing it for her.

It also sounds like she's maybe taken on too much financially with a flat, and needs to think about a house share or similar. I would be selling it as spare money to have fun with , or to book a holiday for later in the year.

I think her seeing a therapist again is a good idea. She sounds vulnerable and young. I know 20 is legally an adult, but they certainly aren't emotionally mature, and I wouldn't pressure a 20yo to move out unless I was absolutely desperate.

The hand shaking food thing is in itself so weird.

I think this is something kids do. I used to do this myself because I didn't understand hand shaking was due to the crash after eating too much sugar. I thought it must be because I was starving!

@DaffodilsAlready She comes to our house after work to pick up her dog, so she's eating here instead of wasting money on takeaways. And she always asks for leftovers. It does seem like she is spending money on takeaways at work. I don't know if the problem is that she doesn't know how to prepare to eat away from home or if it's difficult to be the only one at work bringing food from home.

She hasn't asked for furniture. I did ask her about the absence of furniture and she got angry and said "What the fuck? I've been looking for furniture this whole time." I said I was just wondering if her reason for not having furniture was that she didn't want to spend money on furniture or if she hadn't found furniture in keeping with her vision. She said she didn't want to talk about that anymore, so I stopped asking questions and my husband said I shouldn't have brought it up and upset her. She did respond to a message I sent her over the phone about some chairs I found secondhand online. She said she has to be mindful that her dad's parents are elderly and will need a comfortable place to sit down and the chairs I sent a picture of didn't look comfortable enough. I asked when they were going to visit and she responded that she didn't know, but she seems to have a plan in place to have furniture before then.

OP you have written so many posts on here about this situation, it's the same thing every time, what are you taking from all the advice? because you're repeatedly posting the same thing over and over.
I could write this myself I've read it so often.

@Kelly51 I agree. It's so strangely claustrophobic.

I think that it’s clear from your posts that your dd has some MH issues and these have been made worse by your h babying her one minute then treating her like she should be a fully independent adult the next. She sounds impossible to live with but your h has definitely contributed to that imo. Is he unable to tolerate her behaviour because of her age? I mean the attitude that she’s physically an adult so must be independent?

I think that you need to make sure that the younger ones are parented better so that they are ready when the time comes. I understand that your h thought that he was being kind and wanted to be liked as a stepparent but I’m not surprised to hear that this is the result of his actions. Instead of forcing adulthood at age 18 gradually give your children responsibility so that it’s not a massive shock when they turn 18. Over the years my kids moaned about stuff that they had to do like take a bus or help change bedding but they later realised that they are handy things to be able to do and they had the respect of their peers for being able to help them learn too.

Stop asking her about the furniture. Indecision and inaction might be part of her issues and like the tv stand, she will hopefully buy when ready. I know that you mean well but buying for her is babying her and pressuring her is going to just make her angry or make it harder to buy other stuff. Of course she knows that having a sofa or whatever would be great but she was babied for so long that making decisions and carrying them out is much harder and she needs time before she takes the plunge.

If she has issues then fitting in at work will be even more important to her- regardless of whether or not she enjoys the job. This is another issue where you should wait until she asks you for help to find another job rather than treat her like she’s very young and tell her what to go. She might just be venting and not want you to fix things. Part of being an adult is exercising the power to fix your own problems and that experience will help her become wiser.

@DaffodilsAlready He met her when she was six and was babying her until a month ago, so I don't think that could be love-bombing.

My marriage has definite challenges, but him setting boundaries, albeit without first showing her the way, doesn't make me worry about him doing the same to me. If I were mistreating him and asking for things that caused him to think of himself much less and me much more, then that would be what he was doing to try to make a healthier path for himself. I don't think he's controlling. He's always seemed too passive to me when faced with confrontation. But I definitely could be wrong.

If you support her still then you're doing the right thing for everyone. @Mastmw7g don't beat yourself up about this. Find a future you can all be happy with.

She sounds awful.

@Mastmw7g wrt the furniture, this may be useful?

https://www.bhf.org.uk/shop