To not let my daughter have TikTok

[digimumworld]

Firstly I want to know how many of you have let your children have TikTok or Snapchat.

My DD is in year 7 and has been begging me for TikTok and Snapchat for almost a year. She is now the only one in her friendship group without it and it’s making her sad (she says).

To convince me to let her have it she says she will let me set it up and I can apparently monitor her account if she goes for the under 13s options.

She could have easily set up a secret account so I appreciate that she is asking me and respecting my word on it (mainly because I’ve told her mummy can see absolutely everything you do on that phone - so no dodgy stuff!).

AIBU to keep her off these platforms for as long as possible?

I’m thinking of letting her have an account that’s closely monitored but is that possible to manage at all!

Absolutely not. I've had a hard and fast rule about no Snapchat. Eldest is currently 15. TikTok I allowed briefly but deleted it pdq. Eldest currently asking to sign back up to TikTok but I'm still very uncertain. She's autistic and has had mental health problems so it seems a bad idea to me.

I think secondary school age for TikTok is okay. I remember being that age when Vine was all the rage and it was just silly quotes and songs really. I also think they like doing the dances on TikTok (so long as her account is set to private and monitored). Snapchat would be a no, it’s just a messaging app but I’ve heard a lot of bullying can happen through it. I’d compromise on TikTok but no Snapchat.

Well for a start there are no U13 versions of either in the UK.

I gave in to TikTok at end of Y7 but have held out on snapchat. You can't police it as the snaps disappear. DTs are y8.

I would hold out as long as possible.

No. Mine don’t have either on advice of others with older children who really regret letting their kids have them

all the kids we know communicate via WhatsApp and we have a rule no disappearing messages

edit to add ages, they’re 12&15

The TikTok dances aren't really a 'thing' anymore. It is all GRWM, skincare etc and I think something else will be released soon as since the Universal music has been taken down it won't be as popular.

Absolutely not. Way too young. My daughter has Snapchat at 13 now but we don't allow TikTok. Snapchat account is part of family group so I can see who she talks to.

TikTok algorithm is so bad for mental health.

Oh sorry I thought you said she was 7!

Ok yeah I think you may consider giving in on Snapchat but learn how to do the family account. I am still a no on TikTok though.

OP does she have instagram? Instagram reels are basically the same as TikTok but seem to be less toxic? I’m not entirely sure.

@Flatpackedboxes Being careful re: social media is a good thing but I think this is a bit over the top. If I had banned Snapchat from my daughter at 15 then I would have been severely limiting her social life - it’s how teens communicate! What are you envisioning happening? Doesn’t make sense that you allowed her to have TikTok (far more toxic, disturbing content etc) but not Snapchat which is literally just about chatting with friends.

I think 7 is ridiculously young! My DD is almost 5 and the thought of her wanting to be using TikTok in 2 years time is awful! There is so much inappropriate content on there and no way to stop it popping up.

It is so annoying that there are so many parents out there who couldn't care less what their kids are doing so other parents are put in this predicament because their children feel left out.

OP's daughter is in Year 7, not 7 years old :)

YANBU. I work with these platforms (online advertising). There is no way I would let a child in yr7 access it. DD is yr5, thankfully shows zero interest, she does like watching animal videos together with me on insta.
She's not getting any social media access unsupervised for a good while yet. I don't care she may end up thinking I'm the "mean mum" but DH and I are agreed (he's in cyber security). TikTok and Snap in particular are awful with virtually zero protection from the platforms.

Can't amend my previous post, I misread and thought it said she was 7 years old. Which wouldn't have surprised me because I know people who let their 3 & 4 year olds on TikTok 🙃

Why does your 7 yo have a phone that she can set up a secret tiktok account on?

I think you're right, OP, that being too strict will just push kids towards creating secret accounts that you can't monitor. This is what happened with most of dd's friends whose parents didn't allow them access. I had one friend who was very vocal and quite smug about her strict no-social-media policy, but I could see how active her dd was on various platforms through monitoring my own dd's accounts!

I held off on Snapchat for as long as I could because you can't monitor stuff when it disappears, but I did allow it eventually when I felt that dd had demonstrated that she could use social media sensibly and responsibly.

Honestly, I think it's impossible these days for parents to completely control or even monitor all of their children's online activity, as they will find ways of accessing stuff if they really want to. So I think the most important thing is to maintain an open and honest dialogue about what they're doing online, what risks they're potentially exposing themselves to, how to keep themselves safe etc.

Is she on other social media platforms?
Instagram reels and Facebook videos show very similar content to TikTok. Viral stuff will be on every platform and not just TikTok.

The main problem / advantage with TikTok is the algorithm gives you more and more of what you watch - so it becomes addictive and kids can fall on very dark places very soon
however, kids do get really good really quick at setting secret accounts, deleting cookies, etc
and if other kids at school show her things on their phones in a way she’s already been exposed
it’s hard, there are no hard rules, but consider in a couple of years she’ll be old enough to have their own social media accounts- I would say yes, but keeping a close eye on the kind of things she watches and time limits

I recently allowed Snapchat for my 13 year old. She's open enough about what her classmates chat about that I'm not too concerned but I still won't allow tiktok, that is far worse in my opinion.

Yes, better imo to learn how to use social media sensibly with adult guidance and supervision, rather than being left to their own devices on a secret account. They will have to manage it for themselves eventually.

No. So many of these sites are nothing short of toxic. I’m pleased they’re finally in the spotlight.

OP’s daughter is in Year 7, she’s not 7yo.

Absolutely not. You can’t monitor everything she does on tiktok, and even if you could, it would be too late by the time you’d seen it and the damage would have been done.

Whilst I see what you're saying and agree that I wish kids this age were not on there, I'd be weary about singling her out as the only one without it. My experience of friends who didn't let their kids have what others had at that age didn't end up well for them. Their kids rapidly went the other way as they had spent forever being told they couldn't have anything. I'm not suggesting this is the case here at all, just commenting on 2 friend groups that this happened to with their kids.

I would highly recommend watching The Social Dilemma with your DC. It’s a really accessible documentary that we watched as a family befor they got phones and off the back of it they’ve both decided to avoid social media until 16. I agree much better to have open dialogues and help them (steer them towards) good choices when it comes to tech

Can I ask why TikTok is bad for your mental health?