To not let my daughter have TikTok

[digimumworld]

Firstly I want to know how many of you have let your children have TikTok or Snapchat.

My DD is in year 7 and has been begging me for TikTok and Snapchat for almost a year. She is now the only one in her friendship group without it and it’s making her sad (she says).

To convince me to let her have it she says she will let me set it up and I can apparently monitor her account if she goes for the under 13s options.

She could have easily set up a secret account so I appreciate that she is asking me and respecting my word on it (mainly because I’ve told her mummy can see absolutely everything you do on that phone - so no dodgy stuff!).

AIBU to keep her off these platforms for as long as possible?

I’m thinking of letting her have an account that’s closely monitored but is that possible to manage at all!

Ours are nearly 15.

No TikTok, no Snapchat, no Insta.
Amd currently no phone addiction and no safeguarding issues at school because of their phones, unlike many of their peers who have all these things.

We watched the Social Dilemma with the DCs before they got their phones. They are happy not to have those apps.

I don't allow Tiktok for 17 year old with SN. They often seem to have stupid crazes on there and sometimes DC die.

Actually, I think the attitude of banning social media can do more harm than good why not Give them it and arm them with the knowledge to counteract some of the bad stuff on there.

I worked with an apprentice whose parents have banned social media completely and a mobile phone device and it was actually really telling because she didn't have a world view on anything and she was very quick to just believe what people around her said. I think social media is a critical thing to help you shape your views with the knowledge of books and your parents help. Her digital skills were also really behind in comparison to her peers. Unfortunately, whether we like it or not that generation social media will be allowed about the job they do. Why not let them have it but put safeguards in place.

Ultimately, I think a lot comes down to the relationship that you have with your dc, how much you trust them, how much they trust you.

I knew my dd was very mature and sensible, most of her friends were sensible too. We had a very open and honest relationship and we maintained an ongoing dialogue through the teen years. She trusted that I would not be controlling for the sake of it, and that if I said no to something, it was probably for good reason. We discussed and debated boundaries, negotiated what was reasonable and what was not. Sometimes she convinced me, sometimes she didn't. We came through those years without any negative consequences - she does use social media but she isn't obsessed with it and never has been.... she is too busy living life to have time for a phone addiction.

Some kids will be capable of navigating these things sensibly and responsibly with the right guidance and support. Others will need more parental intervention. Parents should respond to the needs of their own children.

Not all teens communicate through Snapchat of TikTok.
I know loads of teens and they communicate mainly on WhatsApp.

Absolutely agree MrsBennett same. Getting het up about certain apps and not others seems an erratic way of parenting. They are always one step ahead anyway. What’s your view on Be Real? That’s what they are all on now btw.

Hold off all of it as long as you can but have open sensible relationship with them so they are decent smart questioning people and don’t get sucked in by nonsense rather than panicking about certain random apps and seeing only those ones as the root of all evil.

I think it probably varies school to school/area to area. My nephew definitely used WhatsApp to communicate with his friends. Amongst young people in our area, WhatsApp is mostly used by young people to communicate with their parents and sometimes employers - never with other kids!

Won't allow my almost 12 year old daughter to have tiktok. Thankfully she's aware of how bad it is and says she doesn't want it. Definitely feels like anything goes on there. Some of her school friends were on it from around age 9 and witnessed the video of the man committing suicide a couple of years ago,that did the rounds,yet they still use it. Clearly the parents aren't bothered which is pretty disgusting.

My oldest is 7 and is already asking for a phone. We have made it abundantly clear already that when all her friends start getting smart phones she won't be having one.we will probably allow her a phone which is bog standard texting and phoning when she hits teens but nothing she can Access social media on independently. Both myself and husband are not anything like Facebook, Instagram etc and we don't share anything of the kids online pics etc and we are trying to drum into them already the importance of keeping things private and that the Internet is great but also a place where you have to be very very careful. I'm hoping we can stand our ground when they hit teenage years as I know-it must be difficult when they start feeling left out but I think taking a step back and understanding why you do want to allow access or not is important is her online safety/risk to mental health prpblems from accessing these things at a young age less important than them fitting in? I wish more parents would just take a stand against this so that others weren't put in this predicament but to each their own I know some people love social media and find it a fun and fulfilling place but personally I just dont get it.

My dd is year 8 and is not allowed Snapchat, Instagram or TikTok. I will keep her away from these as long as I can. A lot of her friends don’t have these either.

@cocunut no she doesn’t have Instagram. I think IG algorithms are definitely better than TikTok. However there is no interest in IG as she doesn’t know anyone using it.

Ah didn’t know the kids weren’t using instagram anymore, I’m only in my 20s now I feel old 😂

honestly the fact you still refer to yourself as mummy to her suggests you infantilise her a bit. She's, what, 12 or nearly there?
I'm sure she doesn't really believe you can see everything she's doing on her phone, otherwise she wouldn't have offered for you to review it if she did get it.

all the issues posters are raising about getting sucked in, time spent etc. is what the monitoring function is for - you can set daily limits, see what she's watching etc. It's called family pairing, it does require you to have it too though.

I'd understand telling her you want to wait until 13 given that's the age you're supposed to be to use it, so you're not encouraging lying about your age to get something you want, and at least then she's got something to look forward to, rather than 'maybe never' which will only encourage her to just add and then delete it. At least then you're encouraging good communication, doing things at the right time, and problem solving (she's meeting you in the middle with the monitoring offer). If you just go in with a flat 'no' you're just showing her you don't care what she's interested in or that she's feeling left out, and that the only way to get what she wants is to directly disobey you, and lie/hide it.

Whenever these threads come up most people come on and say things like "My 16 year old has never been allowed TikTok/Snapchat/Instagram etc". So it gives the impression that the vast majority of teenagers aren't allowed these apps.
However, having observed my 13 year old DD and her friends, they all have all these apps. It's how they communicate with each other.
So either these kids have these apps without their parents knowledge, or the parents who allow it don't admit it on Mumsnet!
Well, I'll admit I do allow these apps. I keep an eye on what she's watching but obviously she can see things when I'm not there. I don't know if I'm too laid back but I just feel that unless you deny access to the internet as a whole then they're going to be able to see all sorts of stuff.

@toomanyleggings she actually started using CapCut young before it became a social media platform in its own right as she was learning editing skills during the pandemic.

she is pretty good at editing but the draw towards TikTok and Snapchat is that all of her friends are on it.

I have watched the Social Dilema (can’t find the person who suggested it). I will definitely watch it with her.

@TheaBrandt Id say for me it’s the TikTok algorithm. I used it for a week and I was so sucked in it scared me! And I haven’t used it since. My issue is the rabbit hole. I know all SM does this but TikTok has a way of grabbing you and are very good at personalising content.

I know adults who struggle with things like comparison or low self esteem which SM has made worse. So I always wonder how children cope with it when they are still developing

@SallyWD Ive spoken to a few of my daughters friends mums and I have found that many parents just are not really aware of things like the impact on mental health; rabbit holes and bad algorithms. Or their parents are just not aware that they are on it (growing up my mum was strict but didn’t have a clue about msn, Facebook or even ig until the past decade).

I work in this field and I’m surrounded by people that take mental breaks from social. I guess I’m more aware of the impact.

@1offnamechange i will take a look at family pairing. I’ve also never said “no” and we have open conversations. I’m now leaning towards giving her access but monitoring elements of it. But I don’t know we’re to start. This thread has been useful.

Honestly this has been our most difficult parenting issue bar none. We started out with “absolutely not” and ended up with a sobbing year 8 writing us letters about how our decisions were making her feel left out from all her friends who communicate via the apps. Honestly would you have held firm? We gave in.

Also if you are too hardline they lie and cheat and access in secret then you have zero control. If your teen isn’t that bothered lucky you but that wasn’t the case for us. 5 years on dd1 aced all GCSEs heading for same with a levels offers from top universities and has lovely friends and has never given us a moments trouble. She rately posts they don’t use insta they’ve moved on from that but the teens all communicate with mates via these apps.

Yeah, my dd (young adult now so way past the age of me being able to monitor or dictate anything!) has never actually posted much on any of these apps. Her last actual post on Instagram was in September and she has never posted anything on tiktok at all. She mostly uses stuff to access certain content and to message her friends etc.

I agree with @SallyWD that, despite what you see on most of these threads, the vast majority of teenagers do have access to these sites, whether their parents are aware of it or not. I was definitely on the stricter end of things in not allowing stuff in year 7, but by year 8 when I actually allowed her to have Instagram, I could see that virtually everyone else already had it, including some whose parents insisted that they would never allow it. I held off on Snapchat and Tiktok for a bit longer for various reasons, until dd managed to talk me round! I agree with @TheaBrandt that it's not always easy to stand your ground with these things if your kids really care about them, and sometimes it isn't desirable either as you realise that an excessively rigid stance might be doing more harm than good. Is it coincidence that the only kid in dd's year who didn’t have access to social media (with or without their parents' consent) by the end of year 8 was massively socially isolated? Hard to say, but I can't imagine that it helped the situation. I also don't think it was great for the kids who ended up with secret accounts/ secret devices... not only did they end up with no guidance or monitoring at all, but they also acquired the belief that their parents were fundamentally out of touch and unreasonable, which didn't do any favours for their relationships in those crucial teen years. For me, it was far more important to maintain an open dialogue with dd during that period, and for her to know that I could be persuaded to change my mind if she put up a convincing enough argument.

i have no regrets about having allowed social media when we did, or about havimg permitted her to use specific platforms when we did. She always been pretty good at regulating her phone use and she didn't spend excessive time on them - she far prefers interacting with real people than in a virtual environment anyway. She was sensible about what she posted, learned how to manage her privacy settings properly and was judicious about who to follow/ let follow her etc. Never felt that her mental health was at risk or that she was comparing herself to what she was seeing online... in fact, I felt that her awareness around such issues was surprisingly good, and she realised from very early on that what you see presented on SM is what people choose to present, not necessarily the reality etc. Never had any issues around online bullying etc. I think schools cover quite a lot of the potential pitfalls of social media usage in PSHE etc, and dd had clearly taken it in.

So like I say, ultimately I think it comes down to your own individual kid and the quality of the relationship that you have with them. I don't think it pays at all in the long run to be excessively strict simply because you can. You need to tailor your approach depending on your child's maturity, judgement, communication style, self esteem, ability to self regulate etc.

Absolutely agree.

My two teens use Be Real and Snapchat to be in constant touch with their real life friends. It would be odd and unreasonable for me to “ban” this. That said I suspect Dh and I are posted about as a figures of hilarity so maybe I should!

I am trying to remove youtube shorts atm from all devices which is proving difficult. I have added extensions to do this but it is still not working. Tiktok is not the only problem. Even whatsapp is morphing into something else. You have to be on top of it all the time.

Much as I can see how tempting it would be to ban it all, teenagers will always find a way.

They will have secret accounts or devices or something, and their friends will help them. They will decide you are unreasonable, out of touch and don’t care about their feelings (and no matter how much you try to explain it’s for their own good, brain development wise they are very like toddlers and react to their feelings not their logical reasoning powers).

Ever was it thus with the things parents wanted to keep their kids out of… can many people honestly say they never met up with X, drank Y, went to Z, listened to A, tried B etc?

I think it’s important to be realistic about how much influence you have, and to understand that you actually have more influence with your children when you maintain a relationship and connection with them- and that requires give and take and respect, just like any relationship.

Yeah this is the new equivalent of drinking behind the bike sheds that we kept from our parents. Sorry but I really do eyebrow raise at those that say their teens are not on SM. I never come across such a unicorn rare fabled creature.

DD13 is not allowed Snapchat. Because of these reasons:

1. disappearing messages which encourage sharing nudes and bullying. A friend's daughter got into all sorts of trouble with the former and police were involved.
2. 'streaks' which link Snapchat messaging to friendship. Something that at 13 I think could get out of hand.
3. maps - all your 'friends' can see where your phone is. Combined with the disappearing messages this makes Snapchat ideal for grooming. Although you can turn maps off, and you can set it so that over 18s can't friend them unless they have a certain number of friends in common. But that's if they sign up with the correct age (13 is the minimum age so you wouldn't be able to do this)

DH has worked in big tech companies for most of his career so this doesn't come from a place of fear & ignorance.

Tiktok is safer than sc

Snapchat streaks is an issue for sure, it became so huge to my dd that when she got a phone ban a while ago she begged and begged to be allowed to go on for 5 minutes a day, under my supervision, to keep her streaks going. I allowed it but warned that next time I would not, got a ban again this week and to her credit she didn't even ask, let alone beg. I'm hoping that'll help her realise its not the end of the world to lose her streak.