To not let my daughter have TikTok

[digimumworld]

Firstly I want to know how many of you have let your children have TikTok or Snapchat.

My DD is in year 7 and has been begging me for TikTok and Snapchat for almost a year. She is now the only one in her friendship group without it and it’s making her sad (she says).

To convince me to let her have it she says she will let me set it up and I can apparently monitor her account if she goes for the under 13s options.

She could have easily set up a secret account so I appreciate that she is asking me and respecting my word on it (mainly because I’ve told her mummy can see absolutely everything you do on that phone - so no dodgy stuff!).

AIBU to keep her off these platforms for as long as possible?

I’m thinking of letting her have an account that’s closely monitored but is that possible to manage at all!

I'm happy for her to have other social media & accept that she probably will get snap chat at some point but for now I want to protect her

The disappearing messages and the maps functions were amongst my major concerns about Snapchat.

It was my dd who patiently explained that you can turn the Maps function off, and that everyone knew about the dangers of leaving it on, obviously, because school went on about it all the time apparently.

She also pointed out that my concern about the disappearing messages was a bit pointless, given that I had already allowed Instagram, which had introduced its own version of disappearing messages for those who wanted to use them...I thought I had done my research carefully but hadn't been aware of this.

It's almost impossible for parents to keep on top of all the innovations and developments in each app, which is why I think trying to have total control over what your kids do online is virtually impossible. Far better, I think, to maintain an open dialogue so that you can influence what your child is doing.

A so-called "hard no" is rarely the best approach to parenting teens imo. It shuts down discussion and debate, and it damages relationships. Listening to each other, considering each other's perspectives and motivations, and negotiating reasonable compromises tends to be much more effective

FWIW, the streaks thing didn't ever really worry me...dd and her friends never took it that seriously.

Banning particular apps makes you look like an out of touch dinosaur to teens sorry - as MesBennett says they all have similar features and teens are constantly getting new apps. It’s the king Canute approach to parenting.

coming out the other side I think best to delay any smart phone as long as humanly possible we made it to year 7 with no phone. Then you’ve had a chance to instill your values keep good communication and work with them to use it healthily. I am pleasantly surprised by how mine monitor their use. Dd1 never posts anything publically. Horror stories about other teens aren’t helpful likely those kids would have got into difficulties in other ways if no SM.

TikTok I wouldn’t let a child use - it’s heaving with young women in psychiatric wards - I’m in my 30s, I work in that sector and have lived experience of ill mental health, and find it disturbing at times to see young girls with scars on their faces and marked foreheads discussing anti ligature clothing. Once you’ve watched one video you get 100 more.

Plus it opens you up to bullying - I’ve seen some horrendous comments left on clearly vulnerable users videos.

It’s interesting that parenting today is much more about removing and restricting rather than teaching children how to be responsible and function with the resources (good and bad), available in this current world.

SM is mostly a pain in the arse however, it is better for children to learn how to manage this rather than just removing it. I see children who are addicted to their phones and SM often are the ones who have the most restrictions placed on them, rather than a more collaborative learning ie. this is where x leads, is that what you want? Banning everything until an arbitrary age of 16 doesn’t seem very logical to me, it’s not like everything/anything changes at 16.

There are plenty of things that are banned or restricted because they can be harmful to children.

Films can be rated as an 18 because they are not suitable for children yet parents are happy for their kids to be exposed to any old toxic shite without restriction?

Also disappearing msgs on Snapchat is quite good as it allows you to see if someone has screen recorded or saved a chat. But imo, the wider point is reaching young people how to safely use SM in the first place.

?SM is mostly a pain in the arse however, it is better for children to learn how to manage this rather than just removing it. I see children who are addicted to their phones and SM often are the ones who have the most restrictions placed on them, rather than a more collaborative learning ie. this is where x leads, is that what you want? Banning everything until an arbitrary age of 16 doesn’t seem very logical to me, it’s not like everything/anything changes at 16.*

That's just not true. The evidence and studies also point to a society that is too reliant on dopamine fuelled apps. The least we can do is try to prevent addiction before the age of 14.

There are many more DC with anxiety disorders. My elder DC have friends with anxiety are are glued to tiktok et al...

noblegiraffe makes a good point.

My eldest DD in her 20s now and didn't have a smart phone until she was around 14 years old. Her and her peers are turning away from smart phones and she has order a brick phone. She hates them and prefers to use a laptop if need be and tries to limit her tech use as much as possible.

I think some your DC may blame you in the future for being so lax with tech.

ordered of

I wouldn't allow any social media for a child in year 7 personally.

If they felt out of touch with their peers I would put It on my phone. Follow and vet the accounts they want to watch and we could watch it together if they wanted.

She’s 12 so regardless of what the posters on here are saying (or believe of their children) the overwhelming majority of her friends almost certainly do have access to it.

I suppose it comes down to how well you can supervise and whether you want to be that naive parent smugly thinking your child doesn’t use it or whether you want to be realistic to the fact that they may well have their own account that they access, completely unsupervised, on a friend’s phone, and will never tell you about because they can already anticipate your reaction.

I don’t like TikTok or Snapchat for children but I think having honest communication with your child about social media and knowing they can come to you is very important.

I have just let my DS Y7 have Snapchat he had tick tock at the start of the year. His phone locks at 9pm and reopens at 7am and each app has a mc 3hr allowance. I check chats each day one he has gone to bed in Snapchat. Tick tock doesn't concern me we hVe parental controls on so I am not worried about him accessing hard porn or anything it's just mind boggling. Everything is so instant gratification videos that change all the time I was hoping he might get bored with it but he hasn't yet but I don't have any major concerns. Snapchat worries me as you cannot stop pictures disappearing once viewed conversations can be deleted but we have a 24hr filter on and if he deletes stuff he has to come off it. That said you cant stop other kids deleting their messages once sent he is on a group chat with his form and has a select fee others. It's a trial period and he knows that we will see how it goes. This is their future and its hard to restrict access without them getting stick off other kids for it plus they do miss out on stuff. What I am quickly realising is actually girls us it much more than the boys he knows they all chat on roblex together. I am hoping he will lose interest.

I actually think chatting to friends on a tv in the living room on roblox, fortnite is healthier than tiktok. I have encouraged the latter.

The effects of TikTok that I have experienced with the children I work with daily are,1. Hours spent on it. It’s built to be addictive, therefore expecting a child to be able to manage their time on there is unrealistic. Some children are on it 7 hours a day, and in the holidays for longer. Number of hours spent on this and other apps are easy to check, and some of the children have been shocked to realise how long they are on it for. It can destroy ability to focus on real life tasks. 2. Disassociation. Hours spent mentally elsewhere makes grounding in the present hard. 3. Depression and anxiety, either due to content, pressure to publish own content for views, or the effects of 1 and 2. 3. Fantasy about what life is. Promoted through ‘vibes’ or ‘aesthetic’ posts. Children’s brains are not able to process this kind of information or exposure, this level of dopamine or habit. Tik Tok is never benign, and I would not allow a child of mine to have it. I spend many hours of work dealing with the mental health impacts of this app. So it’s a hard no from me. I expect to see research into the impact on brain development and health hit the headlines soon.

I thought I was a mug allowing my 10 year old to have youtube! I told him already that Tik Tok will not be allowed ever, the same for snapchat. He has WhatsApp (which I can monitor) - I think its enough - and we had problems with it already, so now group chats are not allowed and certain people are banned.

Tik Tok, in my view, is a brainwash operation - consumerism and dodgy political crap delivered in a massively simplified format aimed at children. It has zero redeeming qualities.

I don’t know whether this was directed at me but I am very far from a naive parent. I have previously been a safeguarding lead at a large comprehensive school and I have seen first hand the damage that can be done to young people through exposure to these apps. I have extremely honest communication with my DC’s.

They completely agree with our decision to not allow certain apps. Because they see the impact that they have on children who do have access. They are also smart enough to understand the many studies coming out of the US about the impact of social media on mental health.

I totally agree with @noblegiraffe. We don’t give children access to alcohol, drugs and pornography and justify it by saying ‘they need to learn how to manage it’, or ‘everyone else has access to it’.

Some things are harmful, and though it is an effort, you have to actually parent your children.

The algorithm on TikTok is scary.
My daughters was full of self harm and pro ana over and over so we deleted it. She has it back but only 90 mins per day. I wish she didn’t have it at all.

Well said @AnEmbarrasmentofWitches

Yes my year 7 child has got them both fairly recently. I'm not thrilled about it but his friends all have it and with Snapchat in particular it's one of the main ways they communicate.

I've set tik tok up with the most restrictions I can and keep regular tabs on it. He has spoken to me on the rare occasions he's seen something he thought he shouldn't have. I have to admit I worry about the attention focus more than exposure to dodgy content. Even I find myself losing hours scrolling.

The world has changed. You can't keep them away from everything that could be harmful to them. You have to teach them how to be open and honest about it.

With TikTok the scroll is never-ending, there's no natural end to it, and the algorithm is designed to mould what is presented to you to capture your attention. It personalises to you and what catches you straight away. It starts not knowing you and presents a wide range of popular content. Linger on a video because it's a cute kitten and you like cats? More cats. Stare in fascination at some ear wax removal? Boom more sporn. Sit there shocked as horrible manipulated images or deliberately made fake content is presented and the algorithm sees that as the same attention-grabbing as the kittens. It will give you more. More more more. And people know that attention grabbing stuff gets views and clicks and surfaced to more people, so they make it more extreme.

All too often I think "just ten minutes of TikTok before I go to bed" and am still on it an hour or two later. And I'm in my thirties.

I agree with all of this. I do it as well. But this is why I enforce strict boundaries with my dc. He can have tik tok for half an hour then it's time to come off. Phones are turned off and put away at bedtime. As with most things, I find it's better to moderate it than to ban it completely. You can only shield your kids from some stuff for so long.

Now if I only I could follow my own rules...

My daughter is not allowed TikTok and she is 12.
I won’t be budging on this for a long time.

To be honest, I was looking the news yesterday where two women have set up a WhatsApp group for parents who agree not to give children a smart phone.

Brilliant idea, hope it starts a big movement.
Wish I had never given my daughter one, she was the last of her class at 11 and I gave in.

I agree but we prevent addiction by teaching children how to manage, not just banning it. I’m not necessarily saying you should have TikTok before 13 but to me, it’s not logical to ban until an age deemed acceptable, without teaching and learning, often by mistakes.