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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner staring/head turning/prolonged eye contact

92 replies

Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 21:59

Hey all,
I've not posted before.. But I've been watching from the sidelines for a few years now!
Posted in aibu, cos I really don't know if I am?!

Aibu to feel fed up with my partner constantly disrespecting and embarrassing me, every time we go anywhere?.

It doesn't matter how many times I point it out/ ask him to stop etc, he still can't help gawping at other women.

I'm talking, Head turning when we've been in the car, as in, turning to look behind after someone has walked past.

Deliberately making eye contact with other women constantly. (not just fleetingly, but repeatedly.)
He does it even when we walk past neighbours, looks right into their eyes.
I feel like an absolute twat.

Yes, I've told him, but HE ISN'T DOING THAT. HE WAS LOOKING AT SOMETHING ELSE?!! AM I CRAZY!! SHOULD HE LOOK AT THE FLOOR?!!

He IS doing it.
He does it all the time, and honestly, I feel like I've just had enough now.
I don't even want to go out with him sometimes.

It's the disrespect for me.

There's glancing at people, looking around etc, which we all do... But prolonged eye contact while you're standing next to your gf?!! It happens all the time and i feel like a right prick!

I'm don't feel unattractive myself, it's not like I think, oh she must be better than me etc.. It's nothing to do with any of that.
It's the pure disrespect of essentially eye fucking someone else whilst you're with your partner?!
Is this normal?!
Am I weird?

I'm bored of this shit now 🙄.

Thoughts?
Please xx

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/02/2024 22:04

Yanbu so dump him, he's disrespectful continually and denies it

SweetFemaleAttitude · 07/02/2024 22:08

He sounds like a creepy bastard. I'd feel ashamed being with him.

Original poster
Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 22:08

Shoxfordian · 07/02/2024 22:04

Yanbu so dump him, he's disrespectful continually and denies it

We're almost 8 years and two children in and I dunno why I've stayed this long tbh! Shit like this just makes me despise him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 22:14

SweetFemaleAttitude · 07/02/2024 22:08

He sounds like a creepy bastard. I'd feel ashamed being with him.

I've pulled him up on it loads of times...
But, HE'S NOT LOOKING AT ANYONE?!!! 😂

For the record, he fucking well is!!

OP posts:
Veryinteresting24 · 07/02/2024 22:15

Not normal sorry.

User5512 · 07/02/2024 22:18

does he have any undiagnosed conditions ? Is there a chance that he is mildly on the autism spectrum?

Led921900 · 07/02/2024 22:19

What does he think is going to happen?
rope in the person he’s staring at and just say “oh is he staring at you” he can’t deny it if they agree and if it you’re at least calling him out when he does it and hopefully embarrassing him?

if he doesn’t stop… ugh.. it’d make me hate him too.

Original poster
Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 22:21

User5512 · 07/02/2024 22:18

does he have any undiagnosed conditions ? Is there a chance that he is mildly on the autism spectrum?

I'm not sure tbh. I have adhd and one of our children is autistic... But he's never been tested or diagnosed with anything.

Why?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 07/02/2024 22:23

User5512 · 07/02/2024 22:18

does he have any undiagnosed conditions ? Is there a chance that he is mildly on the autism spectrum?

That is insulting. He is clearly just a sleazy bastard.

Original poster
Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 22:23

Led921900 · 07/02/2024 22:19

What does he think is going to happen?
rope in the person he’s staring at and just say “oh is he staring at you” he can’t deny it if they agree and if it you’re at least calling him out when he does it and hopefully embarrassing him?

if he doesn’t stop… ugh.. it’d make me hate him too.

He would try to embarrass me and tell me I'm crazy. He would get very very angry if I embarrassed him in public.
He cannot cope with any form of embarrassment.

OP posts:
almostthere75 · 07/02/2024 22:24

Lowers your self esteem I bet..

If he won't change or admit it and apologise then you need to decide if you want to feel like you do.

Doesn't sound fair.

Throwawayme · 07/02/2024 22:25

That's so not normal and I'd be furious!

Led921900 · 07/02/2024 22:26

Let him get angry.

SaturdayGiraffe · 07/02/2024 22:27

What other situations does he get angry?

flutterby1 · 07/02/2024 22:28

Why are you with him ? Did not be weak... leave

Original poster
Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 22:29

We've been together a few years now and I can think of plenty of scenarios where I've thought, fucking hell, this is a piss take?!!

For example...

We were once walking to the shop, and a woman was walking towards us on the path. They both made eye contact and didn't break it until she walked past. I was STUNNED. Of course I was lying, I'm crazy etc...

Another time, a woman was jogging past or cycling, I don't remember, and he literally craned his neck to watch her go past ( we were in the car)... He then said, oh I thought that was a man?! Wtf?! 😂

Just off top of my head lol

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 07/02/2024 22:29

You could try doing it yourself, extremely obviously and see if he pulls you up on it or lets it go, obviously if he pulls you up on it you can ask him why he thinks it's acceptable for him to do it but not you?

Bringtheweatherwithyou · 07/02/2024 22:30

User5512 · 07/02/2024 22:18

does he have any undiagnosed conditions ? Is there a chance that he is mildly on the autism spectrum?

I had a boyfriend many years ago that did this.. It annoyed me so much and I finally had enough when we went out with a group of my friends and he basically stared at one of them so much that she came over and asked if I was with him before she told him to f**k off.

In hindsight he was more than mildly autistic but it was only when I had school going kids myself that I became more aware of the flags.

It isn't helpful to say LTB when you have two kids together but it is worth it for him to be tested so you can know if there is a reason for his behaviour (and explain it if necessary).

5128gap · 07/02/2024 22:32

I bet he doesn't do it to women with huge tough looking men by their side, does he? So he not only knows he's doing it, he can control himself if he chooses. It doesn't sound as though he's left you with enough feelings for him that it's worth a last chance ultimatum so you might as well cut to the chase and bin him.

Original poster
Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 22:33

flutterby1 · 07/02/2024 22:28

Why are you with him ? Did not be weak... leave

I'm not weak whatsoever. You have no idea the life I've had or what I may have been through.
We're 8 years and two children in... It's not as simple as just leaving.
I'm assessing whether this particular behaviour is normal.
Thanks for your comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 22:38

5128gap · 07/02/2024 22:32

I bet he doesn't do it to women with huge tough looking men by their side, does he? So he not only knows he's doing it, he can control himself if he chooses. It doesn't sound as though he's left you with enough feelings for him that it's worth a last chance ultimatum so you might as well cut to the chase and bin him.

I've noticed he doesn't do it if it's one of his friend's partner/gf.
Of course he can control it.
I think I've been gaslighted for so long, that maybe I thought it was me who had the problem. I'm not insane, he really does do it.
I feel like I'm desperately trying to convince 😂... Because all I hear is, no I wasn't?!! What are u talking about?! I was looking at this..... Or that... Here you go again!! Etc... 😂

OP posts:
tiberseptim · 07/02/2024 22:44

Does he have a problem with his eyesight? Eg. A lazy eye?
Otherwise why don't you stare at the person too as someone else said and comment loudly to your partner, ""darling, please introduce me to your friend..."

Original poster
Marmitelover23 · 07/02/2024 22:44

SaturdayGiraffe · 07/02/2024 22:27

What other situations does he get angry?

Being totally honest, there has been dv in the past but this is no longer the case.
All professionals were involved and that has been worked through (thankfully).
He once got angry with me in a shop because I embarrassed him. (He accidently barged into me with the trolley from behind).. and I loudly said, owww?!!! What the hell are u doing?!!... I didn't realise what had happened.. So anyway, he then rammed me with the trolley really hard and walked out.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 07/02/2024 22:46

My problem wouldn't be that he does it when I'm stood next it him, my problem would be with the fact he does it at all.

Rather than go on about him disrespecting you, I'd be pointing out that it's creepy and sleazy behaviour and if he does it when he's out alone he'll look like even more of a creep.

Have you only just noticed? Has he always done it to a certain degree?

AzureBlue99 · 07/02/2024 22:54

Whatever it is, it is Ick inducing.