Partner staring/head turning/prolonged eye contact

[Marmitelover23]

Hey all,
I've not posted before.. But I've been watching from the sidelines for a few years now!
Posted in aibu, cos I really don't know if I am?!

Aibu to feel fed up with my partner constantly disrespecting and embarrassing me, every time we go anywhere?.

It doesn't matter how many times I point it out/ ask him to stop etc, he still can't help gawping at other women.

I'm talking, Head turning when we've been in the car, as in, turning to look behind after someone has walked past.

Deliberately making eye contact with other women constantly. (not just fleetingly, but repeatedly.)
He does it even when we walk past neighbours, looks right into their eyes.
I feel like an absolute twat.

Yes, I've told him, but HE ISN'T DOING THAT. HE WAS LOOKING AT SOMETHING ELSE?!! AM I CRAZY!! SHOULD HE LOOK AT THE FLOOR?!!

He IS doing it.
He does it all the time, and honestly, I feel like I've just had enough now.
I don't even want to go out with him sometimes.

It's the disrespect for me.

There's glancing at people, looking around etc, which we all do... But prolonged eye contact while you're standing next to your gf?!! It happens all the time and i feel like a right prick!

I'm don't feel unattractive myself, it's not like I think, oh she must be better than me etc.. It's nothing to do with any of that.
It's the pure disrespect of essentially eye fucking someone else whilst you're with your partner?!
Is this normal?!
Am I weird?

I'm bored of this shit now 🙄.

Thoughts?
Please xx

I meant NOT afraid of being on my own!! @Breakfastcoffee

“your sense of judgement will have been coloured so much by the gaslighting and lack of validation you get

Your judgment is that he makes you feel annoyed and frustrated and disrespected because he openly stares at other women and instead of stopping doing it over 8 years, gaslights you when you pull him up on it. Your judgment is fine. He’s a dick.

Thank you @Marmitelover23 Yes I have built a calm and happy home for me and DC. But it's obviously very sad to have ended my marriage and the life of a single parent is by no means easy.

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful and where there is DV obviously this is a line that shouldn't be crossed.

Sorry you don't have family support, I did not really either. Do you have friends or even work colleagues you can confide in? Sometimes talking to someone IRL can really help. I say this as someone who was very isolated in my marriage and didn't even know how to open up to anyone.

I do want a fresh start... I just wouldn't know where to begin!.
The thought of dealing with an acrimonious split, while trying to care for my children, navigate through with my own mental health issues, no family support, friends who don't really know or are not in a position to support me even if they did know! It just seems like such a long list of things.
If I just put up and shut up, my children have a better quality of life and two parents plus extended family from his side.
If I'm alone, it's exactly that. Just me and the children. It seems so unfair on them.

At the same time, I'm sick of being disrespected. My head's a bit scrambled x

Thankyou @Mmhmmn

Thanks so much x

Thankyou for sharing a little bit of your experience with me, and proving that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

It all seems so impossible at the time doesn't it?

I'm happy to hear that you and your children are doing well ❤️.

No support unfortunately, but I am a tough cookie who has learnt to cope on my own many times.
There are two children in the mix now though!

They will always be my priority x

People are either autistic or not autistic.

🙄 oh do fuck off with this shite.

This was my life OP and I throw him out almost one year ago. Absolutely no regrets only that I didn't do it sooner. We haven't seen him since and it was him that always said he wanted to stay together. I couldn't continue to let that awful life be an example for my kids.

It all seems impossible until you do it. And then it's not.

I'm sorry to say but he won't care. He only cares about himself and you WILL really know that after you've left. It's a big reality check.

How does he act when you say loudly, "Why are you staring at that woman? Do you know her?"

I always ask him why he's staring and he immediately says he's not!
It's always- He was looking at something else, or trying to see something, or I'm crazy/here I go again... You know!

I had this too OP. It honestly drove me mad. The staring itself is bad enough, the gaslighting makes things a thousand times worse.

He’s not a good partner, and to stay with him would be a bad choice. There’s no wiggle room, or useful research to be done, or worthwhile debates to engage in, or anything at all to be gained from extended questioning. You just need to leave.

Aw, I'm glad you got rid and are living a much happier life with your children 😍.

I totally get what you're saying, and I agree, he prob wouldn't care. I'm pretty sure he'd just find someone new and carry on living his life happily.

I'd be caring for the children full time.
He'd be free to do as he pleases, have a new relationship, work more hours, spend more time with friends...

I'd be the one struggling money wise, no support, alone.. But I'd have my babies and my self respect! X

Yep, I'm gaslighted constantly! Not just about his wandering eyes lol.
It's always, I never said that?! I never did that?! What are u talking about?! We never agreed to that?! Bla bla bla... You know the script! 😅.

I've been bottling this up for years as I'm unable to talk to anyone irl.... This actually feels really good getting it out and having people on my side.
I can't believe it?!

I thought people were going to say stuff like '
'what do u expect him to do??? Look at the floor???'
Or 'oh you're clearly insecure'
Or 'oh, you don't let your partner eyefuck random women while you stand there like a twat?? You're obviously controlling!'

I'm stunned at the kind and understanding responses.

Thankyou so much for sharing and understanding also 😊❤️

... And I know you're right.
I've always known it 😞

It's not normal. It's very disrespectful to you. My DH wouldn't dream of it, he is a very respectful husband in general, but he also knows I'd hit the bloody roof if he was doing that (I was the jealous type when we first got together 25 years ago!)

It is disrespectful.
I find it so rude and just embarrassed to go out with him.
It's the gaslighting on top that makes it extra gross though.
I'm glad you've found a good one 😍.

They do exist!! X

Even if he wasn't conscious that he was doing this at first surely now he must be aware. He could be doing it to make you feel insecure or he's sleazy. Either way, not good!

You deserve better than that. Hope you can find a way to put a stop to it and if not, find the strength to do what you need to 💐

Is it definitely just women he's noticing? Attractive ones or a mix? I don't necessarily think it's wrong to look at someone who's attractive, so if eg it was a pretty waitress serving you etc. I don't necessarily think it's wrong to make eye contact either. I do think it's odd to swivel your head round and follow someone with your eyes (unless they're say naked or dressed as a clown). I do think it's wrong too to disengage from the company you're with, (that would include looking at your phone). Equally I think it's wrong to pretend you didn't notice and look away quickly and hope you weren't 'caught'. Notice, acknowledge, continue as you were.
Has he always done this? Are you more sensitive now
You've spoken to him but he continues to do it. Pre warn him but next time just walk off. No argument, no explanation, just go.

BTW, someone mentioned autism. Id notice someone pretty and would probably look, but I'd also look at a grandad's shoes or the angle of someone's nose. There's no judgement or desire. I'm just assessing. I don't think I'd swivel round though!

Exactly!
I've only mentioned it like, a gazillion times over the last 8 years... I think he's aware now! 😅.
Eyefucking someone while walking along with your partner is honestly just gross and hideously disrespectful.

If ever I glance at someone and spot a man looking me in the eye, I look away or look over to his partner.

Some men act pathetically desperate.

Thankyou so much @Fionaville
❤️❤️

Your children won't have a better quality of life they are growing up in a toxic environment and your being treated like dirt. Hope op your able to live a better life.

He's giving me the ick.