Partner staring/head turning/prolonged eye contact

[Marmitelover23]

Hey all,
I've not posted before.. But I've been watching from the sidelines for a few years now!
Posted in aibu, cos I really don't know if I am?!

Aibu to feel fed up with my partner constantly disrespecting and embarrassing me, every time we go anywhere?.

It doesn't matter how many times I point it out/ ask him to stop etc, he still can't help gawping at other women.

I'm talking, Head turning when we've been in the car, as in, turning to look behind after someone has walked past.

Deliberately making eye contact with other women constantly. (not just fleetingly, but repeatedly.)
He does it even when we walk past neighbours, looks right into their eyes.
I feel like an absolute twat.

Yes, I've told him, but HE ISN'T DOING THAT. HE WAS LOOKING AT SOMETHING ELSE?!! AM I CRAZY!! SHOULD HE LOOK AT THE FLOOR?!!

He IS doing it.
He does it all the time, and honestly, I feel like I've just had enough now.
I don't even want to go out with him sometimes.

It's the disrespect for me.

There's glancing at people, looking around etc, which we all do... But prolonged eye contact while you're standing next to your gf?!! It happens all the time and i feel like a right prick!

I'm don't feel unattractive myself, it's not like I think, oh she must be better than me etc.. It's nothing to do with any of that.
It's the pure disrespect of essentially eye fucking someone else whilst you're with your partner?!
Is this normal?!
Am I weird?

I'm bored of this shit now 🙄.

Thoughts?
Please xx

Yes, just women.
No I don't think it's wrong to look at people.
Yes I do think it's wrong to stare into someone's eyes and not break contact until you pass whilst walking with your gf.
Yes I do think it's wrong to stare at waitresses and keep looking over and smiling. (when you're sat with your partner!)
No I'm not more sensitive. I would say this is a completely normal reaction after putting up with this years.
Yes I have walked away/pre warned/ said something/not said something.

I'm neurodivergent myself and have lots of nd friends but I don't stare at people, and neither do they 🤔. I wouldn't say it's a typical trait?! Not sure why it's being mentioned again.

Thankyou for adding your experience and views ❤️

Yeah, tell me about it! 😅
It's funny though, I reckon people would be like, ew! He's a creep, if he was deemed unattractive... But he's typically quite good looking.
People tend to be more lenient if you're handsome apparently! (something I read).
I'm sure he'd get looks of disgust otherwise lol (again, something I read!)

We're almost 8 years and two children in and I dunno why I've stayed this long tbh! Shit like this just makes me despise him.

You do have a choice you know.

Put up or shut up. Or make the choice to live separately with your children. Bet they will thank you as grown-ups.

I doubt it. Generally he'd be considering a creep. He is a creep! I hate it when men obviously stare at me.

You have absolutely no idea of my situation.
You have absolutely no idea what I've been through or what my choices were
/are??

You really don't.

I know what I'm going to do.

Thankyou for your comment.

Me too 😒... And I tell him that!
He just insists he's not staring 😂🤦‍♀️

No, I wouldn't stand for it. Guess it's partially my age, 44. But - no. 😖

You could try apologising directly to the women, like "sorry he's staring, he has a problem... he's a sleazy bastard".😉
If you do want to leave, go and see a solicitor. Things may not be as hopeless as you fear. You are young and could have a good, happy life without being humiliated.

I wasn't happy when my BF did this and I was a hot 22yo. He learnt to stop pretty quickly

OP, you say he's been violent with you in the past and the police have been involved? That would be enough - without any of this!

He actually sounds very predatory. Men who stare at you in public like that make you feel very uncomfortable, whether they're with another woman or not. It's horrible on a train, on the street or in a cafe, if you can feel a man staring at you. I feel quite unsafe when this happens and I get angry that I'm made to feel as though I have to even put up with it. Some men get off in making women feel uncomfortable, out and about. It's a control thing - 'taking up the space' - without actually saying anything. They know exactly what they're doing and it's horrible. He sounds like a creep; a gaslighter - he is verbally abusive and he has been physically violent towards you already. He is potentially dangerous. You can't live your life with this.

I suspect your mental health issues will get better once you've left

He's being disrespectful and gas lighting you. All designed to get his own way and make you feel it's your fault and that you are the crazy one.

In reality it's sleazy and would give me the major ick

Oof the gaslighters domain.

Hard one because he’ll just call you crazy and say where else am I meant to look. In situations like this, just know that you cannot reason with someone determined to gaslight you.

I think you need to leave him. Gaslighting you is abusive behaviour and you shouldn’t stay in such an environment

@Marmitelover23 the further this thread progresses, the more I feel that what you're experiencing is deliberate disrespect and gaslighting.
Whilst my friend has behavioural quirks, they don't only kick in just when members of the opposite sex are around. I'd posted originally as I could see some parallels but as I've read in, this is clearly not the same thing at all.

Hopefully you're now equipped with useful advice and have some strategies for what to do next.

In the same way that rape is rarely about sex and is usually about control, I don’t think your DP is staring so intensely at other women because he fancies them. Such intense staring is about making them notice him and then revelling in the fact that he can 1) make them squirm by imposing his gaze on them and 2) get away with demeaning and disrespecting you in public. It’s a way of demonstrating the power and control that he has over you (as he knows you won’t do anything about it despite your complaints) and over the poor woman subjected to his gaze (because he knows she won’t do anything about it either). This is why when you told him that you had started this thread he initially found it amusing (a wider audience to perform to, albeit virtually) and then got angry when you told him that we all said LTB (we are threatening his hold over you). Your DP is a nasty, dangerous man and I hope you will start seeing that.

It's rude and disrespectful to you and other women. Staring?!? Swivelling his head round?!
Honestly dump him he sounds vile and creepy. My friends husband is a creep and it's horrible being around him.

If he’s out with the kids, without you, does he do it?
Does he do it at work where there’s a risk of complaints? How about at the gym?

Realise you can’t follow him around to see, but the answers will cast light on who he really is, because that’s the issue.
The violence alone speaks volumes.

And why you think you aren’t worth more.

Thankyou very much for all your responses.

My youngest has been unwell, so my apologies for the late reply.

I really appreciate every comment and all the great advice.

Thankyou again 🙏