Partner staring/head turning/prolonged eye contact

[Marmitelover23]

Hey all,
I've not posted before.. But I've been watching from the sidelines for a few years now!
Posted in aibu, cos I really don't know if I am?!

Aibu to feel fed up with my partner constantly disrespecting and embarrassing me, every time we go anywhere?.

It doesn't matter how many times I point it out/ ask him to stop etc, he still can't help gawping at other women.

I'm talking, Head turning when we've been in the car, as in, turning to look behind after someone has walked past.

Deliberately making eye contact with other women constantly. (not just fleetingly, but repeatedly.)
He does it even when we walk past neighbours, looks right into their eyes.
I feel like an absolute twat.

Yes, I've told him, but HE ISN'T DOING THAT. HE WAS LOOKING AT SOMETHING ELSE?!! AM I CRAZY!! SHOULD HE LOOK AT THE FLOOR?!!

He IS doing it.
He does it all the time, and honestly, I feel like I've just had enough now.
I don't even want to go out with him sometimes.

It's the disrespect for me.

There's glancing at people, looking around etc, which we all do... But prolonged eye contact while you're standing next to your gf?!! It happens all the time and i feel like a right prick!

I'm don't feel unattractive myself, it's not like I think, oh she must be better than me etc.. It's nothing to do with any of that.
It's the pure disrespect of essentially eye fucking someone else whilst you're with your partner?!
Is this normal?!
Am I weird?

I'm bored of this shit now 🙄.

Thoughts?
Please xx

He's always done it, but always told me I'm imagining it or that I'm crazy.
Goodness knows what he's like when I'm not there 😂

‘but it is worth it for him to be tested so you can know if there is a reason for his behaviour’

Really? You think it’s that easy?

I'm sorry to read this OP.

I don't have any advice as it sounds like more than autism which was the explanation of my experience of a similar thing.

I hope you are safe now and other posters will be able to give you good advice. It is hard when you have two small children and sadly from your updates it does appear he's gaslighting you.

I hope you have the means to leave if you ever decide that is the best thing for you and the kids. Maybe family or some money that wouldn't make you feel 'stuck' with him if you did ever want to leave.

I just told him that I'd finally written a thread about his behaviour and that people were agreeing with me..
He started laughing, and then I said that people suggested I should leave and that it's what I felt like doing.
He didn't like that.
He got quite nasty and told me to fucking leave then. Told me I was an old 40 year old woman, who gives a fuck and to fuck off.
I'm late 30s, he's a few years younger.
So yeah, that makes my decision a lot easier 😊

OP I'm not sure why you keep putting laughing emojis on the end of your very serious posts but if you've posted about this before I remember your thread and I'm saying now, he will not change, you know he won't.

He's a disrespectful, gaslighting, abusive dickhead. If you choose to leave that's up to you but if you choose to stay then this is what your life will be like forever because he won't change.

Abusive, long term gaslighting. Just horrible covert behaviour designed to make you feel small and uncomfortable. Nasty man. He is controlling you through this behaviour. This is covert DV. I would seriously think about planning quietly to leave this headfuck of a man.

Thankyou for your kind words!

There was loads more than that sadly, but as I said, thankfully, no more violence.
He wouldn't do it now, not after the police involvement last time. I do think that's the only reason though unfortunately!

I guess that's what it's really about then. You're '40 years OLD' and he's '30 years young.' He's eyeing up a younger model.

I've never ever posted before in my life. Humour helps me lots ❤️.
Making light of things that have happened to me, or the ridiculousness of a situation etc.
Or maybe I'm like those ppl in the memes that are so traumatised but casually laugh stuff of while everyone looks o deeply concerned!!

I was gonna do it again then!!

No it's not normal. And neither is the gaslighting. And neither is the insults about your age and telling you to leave when you raise something that's upsetting you. And neither is the ramming you with a trolley. Or only avoiding hurting you because he doesn't want the police on at him again. None of your relationship is normal. It seems as though he thinks women are beneath him and only there for his pleasure not as people in their own right

Noooo not at all. I wish it was that simple!
They can be older or younger, there's no discrimination!

Also, He's literally never ever mentioned my age before this.
I'm not 40 yet though and he's over 30. Age has not once come up.
Thanks for that though 😂

I've wanted to leave for ages, but it's him that wants us to stay together.
He wants to get married, wants a happy family... But he does shit like this. I think I checked out ages ago mentally tbh.
Thankyou all for your kind and helpful comments ❤️

I've planned so many times.
Should have left a long time ago really. Thankyou

It's a reasonable point.
A friend of mine has autism, ADD, OCD and other issues that affect behaviour and processing.
One of their things is to stare/make prolonged eye contact, or to keep looking at someone or something, even turning around to do so.
It links to OCD, and the need to repeat things a certain amount of times (if someone is wearing an "unlucky" colour they have to be x multiples of steps away), and also trying to gauge how often to make eye contact.
I'm not explaining it well. My friend doesn't always realise they're doing any of these things, or rather, doesn't understand why other people might find their needs strange.

No problems with eyes, no.
He would make me feel stupid if I said or did that. Probably call me fucking crazy, and I suspect the woman would think I was a freak too!
They give eye contact back a lot of the time... U know women who desperately seek male approval and feel smug if someone else's man looks at them.
I'm not interested in it all. I just want a quiet life and a respectful partner.

I actually really enjoyed being single too!

YANBU.
Your gut is right.
He's a creep.
He's gaslighting you.
Ramming you with a trolly. WTF?

I can relate to the staring and head turning followed by gaslighting and protests of being accused of looking at other women.

ExH did this to me for 10 years. His eyes would be stuck like toffee. His particular type was slim, tall, leggy, long brown hair, wearing lipstick. It got so bad that sometimes he'd glaze over, staring right past me and I would know exactly what sight for sore eyes (to him) would be standing behind me. Didn't matter if we were out on a date out, as a family with DC, on honeymoon, commuting together to work, he couldn't help it and then would deny it and tell me I was imagining things. The gaslighting makes you crazy. I used to get very upset and frustrated.

I did LTB in the end with my small DC. Obviously this wasn't the only reason and there were many. It sounds like from your updates this is the tip of the iceberg tbh.

But it is hard with DC and I never suggest listening to strangers on forums that say LTB, particularly as your sense of judgement will have been coloured so much by the gaslighting and lack of validation you get. Can you talk to friends or family? I did not have this support before separating and wished I opened up to someone beforehand.

Your kids deserve a life away from a man whose only reason for not being violent to his family is fear of the police. He acts like scum because he is scum. Please get help to get your kids out of this situation.

Dump.

Narcassists hate being embarrassed. They also gaslight. They are nasty and cruel and say things to hurt you when they should be apologising. He will never change, he's a sleaze. He will be the one women avoid in the sheltered accommodation when he's in his old age. I bet your friends despise him. You deserve more.

Sounds like the perfect gent 😑

But he manages to control it in other situations.. Like if it's his friend's partners for example.
Let's say he "didn't realise" he was doing it (lol), he would know by now after EIGHT years of me saying so!
It only happens with women too 🤔🤔... Hmmmmm

Thankyou for giving things from a different point of view 😊

Your DP has so much contempt for you, please be mindful of your safety now you have told him you want to leave. Hopefully you will actually leave now and can enter your 40s happier and without your DP there to make you miserable. You deserve so much more than he is offering you.

Thankyou for your kind words and understanding ❤️.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I hope you and your children are much happier now my lovely.

Unfortunately don't have any family support, his family are my family basically, so that puts me in a bit of a predicament!

I'm afraid of being on my own... I'm used to it... It's our children I would feel very sad for x

LTB