Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and food

83 replies

hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:26

When DH is dishing out food, he always gives me the smaller of the two portions.

He tries to do it evenly, but there's usually one with a little bit more/ less - and the one with less always ends up in front of me. I've noticed this consistently over a long period.

I got upset last night being given the smaller portion. He's just done it so many times and I was starting to feel a really unhealthy resentment about it, so I told him.

He said he thought because I'm female and because I'm 'always trying to lose weight', I would have wanted the smaller one. He'd just made that assumption without asking me.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed at this as he never consulted me and it just makes me feel a bit rubbish to always be given the smaller portion, without being asked if that's what I want?

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/02/2024 18:27

He dishes up, you choose the plate. Easy. I suspect you'll find he gets a LOT more equal about it then.

Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:29

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/02/2024 18:27

He dishes up, you choose the plate. Easy. I suspect you'll find he gets a LOT more equal about it then.

I wondered about that but do people actually do it?

It seems so infantile to feel that this is needed, but here we are I suppose.

OP posts:
Midnlghtrain · 07/02/2024 18:30

Hmmm has he made the assumption you're trying to loose weight or have you mentioned it? If you've never mentioned being annoyed about getting the smaller portion either he's probably got zero clue it annoys you and is just sticking with what's the norm?

Tbh I always give myself the smaller portion, because I do need less calories than my DH! Is it a significant amount of food? If it's two or three bits of pasta then I'd be in give your head a wobble territory, but if it's 1/3 less then it's a bit more cheeky.

Ilikedoughnuts · 07/02/2024 18:30

Dish up yourself? Or as above, pick a plate. My partner dishes up and gives me first choice of whichever plate/bowl I want although they're usually exactly the same

Luckydog7 · 07/02/2024 18:31

Tbh I do this.

Now he knows you notice maybe things will change. I bet it's never the bigger portion of broccoli, it'll be the bigger steak, the bigger portion of chips etc.

Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:32

@Midnlghtrain I get what you're saying - but if it's the plate with two or three fewer bits of pasta, consistently given to you over a period of years (you never get the larger helping because he gives it to himself)?

Our calorie needs are around the same due to our relative body size/ muscle mass etc.

This happens consistently during periods when I am trying to lose weight and when I'm not.

OP posts:
Boobettes · 07/02/2024 18:34

Two or three fewer bits of pasta, seriously???

How would you even know that without counting them?

Midnlghtrain · 07/02/2024 18:34

@hungryhiphop

I couldn't be getting fussed about 2/3 bits of pasta! It's barely noticeable, but that's me and if it's annoying you honestly, then you have to mention it and make it clear - tell him. If it's during diets and not during diets and you've never mentioned it being annoying, then I don't know how he'd think he was doing wrong, especially if he knows you're dieting at times.

Also are you counting the bits of pasta 😛

Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:35

Boobettes · 07/02/2024 18:34

Two or three fewer bits of pasta, seriously???

How would you even know that without counting them?

Well that was just the example given by another poster above.

If two plates are dished up and one of them has noticeably less food on it, I'm getting that one.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/02/2024 18:35

hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:29

I wondered about that but do people actually do it?

It seems so infantile to feel that this is needed, but here we are I suppose.

Show quote history

I don't think it's infantile at all. It's the easiest way to make sure things are fair.

Sharksarescary · 07/02/2024 18:35

I never dish up everyone helps themselves.

Snowdropsarecoming · 07/02/2024 18:35

Are you always saying you’re trying to lose weight?

Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:36

Midnlghtrain · 07/02/2024 18:34

@hungryhiphop

I couldn't be getting fussed about 2/3 bits of pasta! It's barely noticeable, but that's me and if it's annoying you honestly, then you have to mention it and make it clear - tell him. If it's during diets and not during diets and you've never mentioned it being annoying, then I don't know how he'd think he was doing wrong, especially if he knows you're dieting at times.

Also are you counting the bits of pasta 😛

I don't know why you are going on about bits of pasta.

There are two plates - sometimes, one has more food on it, and it is visible that it does - whatever the food is.

I'm given the one with less, every time.

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:37

Snowdropsarecoming · 07/02/2024 18:35

Are you always saying you’re trying to lose weight?

No. I've had occasional periods over the last 5 years when I've been on a health kick - maybe 2 or 3 times.

OP posts:
Oneigeishma · 07/02/2024 18:39

YANBU to be annoyed at his deliberately giving you less. But what happens when you dish out the food? Also do you never have leftovers?

Also are you annoyed that it's 'less' or because you're genuinely more hungry? Cuz if it's the latter you need to cook more.

DH does eat more than I do but I take more of some nicer things compared to him. If he dished out 'less' for me I'd simply go and get more. If it's 'nice things' we both like and we're obviously on a budget we just make sure it's absolutely equal. Again, there'll always be more than enough filler food.

StickyGee · 07/02/2024 18:41

I always give my DH the one with a bit more. But whether I did or I didn't I dont think he would give a shit and neither would I. But if it bothers you then maybe you plate up instead?

Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:42

Oneigeishma · 07/02/2024 18:39

YANBU to be annoyed at his deliberately giving you less. But what happens when you dish out the food? Also do you never have leftovers?

Also are you annoyed that it's 'less' or because you're genuinely more hungry? Cuz if it's the latter you need to cook more.

DH does eat more than I do but I take more of some nicer things compared to him. If he dished out 'less' for me I'd simply go and get more. If it's 'nice things' we both like and we're obviously on a budget we just make sure it's absolutely equal. Again, there'll always be more than enough filler food.

Edited

If I'm dishing up/ serving food for others, I'd always give those I'm cooking for what I consider to the best portion.

The ideal is everyone serves themselves but that doesn't always make sense when there's only two of you.

OP posts:
neverenoughplants · 07/02/2024 18:42

YANBU. If you sometimes got the bigger one, and it evened out, then it would probably be OK, but it's interesting that he always gives you the smaller one. It would frustrate me too. After a while, I would feel less bothered by the portion size itself and more bothered that my partner showed repeated selfishness when it would be so easy to be fair instead. It just sounds like he consistently makes the decision that is best for him.

For comparison, my Mum and Dad have a funny thing where they will always try to give bits of their food to each other. They each want the other one to have the bigger portion. I think that's just human nature, to want to look out for your partner and make sure they have what they need.

What's he like in other ways? Is he a bit selfish generally, or is this an isolated issue?

kintra · 07/02/2024 18:43

@hungryhiphopOur calorie needs are around the same due to our relative body size/ muscle mass etc

Are you sure about this? It would be very unusual in a male/female relationship, unless you're a lot taller than him or a bodybuilder.

Saying that, we generally eat similar portions and DH is a lot taller than me. Although he frequently has toast later on.

PaminaMozart · 07/02/2024 18:44

Our calorie needs are around the same due to our relative body size/ muscle mass etc

Are you quite sure?
Have you actually worked out both your TDEEs?

Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:44

@PaminaMozart @kintra Yes, I'm sure.

OP posts:
ColdButSunny · 07/02/2024 18:45

Everyone serves themselves here. Then you can adjust your portion depending on how hungry you are.

kintra · 07/02/2024 18:45

hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:44

@PaminaMozart @kintra Yes, I'm sure.

Could you expand on your reasoning? I'm interested

Oneigeishma · 07/02/2024 18:45

hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:42

If I'm dishing up/ serving food for others, I'd always give those I'm cooking for what I consider to the best portion.

The ideal is everyone serves themselves but that doesn't always make sense when there's only two of you.

Show quote history

Well there's your issue then. You give others what you want. He takes what he wants.
Why don't you start giving him less and see how he reacts?
Also is he 'selfish' in other ways?

Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:46

kintra · 07/02/2024 18:45

Could you expand on your reasoning? I'm interested

Show quote history

It's not complicated. TDEE.

OP posts: