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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and food

83 replies

hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:26

When DH is dishing out food, he always gives me the smaller of the two portions.

He tries to do it evenly, but there's usually one with a little bit more/ less - and the one with less always ends up in front of me. I've noticed this consistently over a long period.

I got upset last night being given the smaller portion. He's just done it so many times and I was starting to feel a really unhealthy resentment about it, so I told him.

He said he thought because I'm female and because I'm 'always trying to lose weight', I would have wanted the smaller one. He'd just made that assumption without asking me.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed at this as he never consulted me and it just makes me feel a bit rubbish to always be given the smaller portion, without being asked if that's what I want?

OP posts:
Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:47

What's he like in other ways? Is he a bit selfish generally, or is this an isolated issue?

@neverenoughplants Well it actually led to quite a difficult conversation because yes he can be a bit selfish in some ways. He doesn't tend to get a round in unless I prompt him, etc. I love him but it's a bit of a sore spot.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 07/02/2024 18:51

Interesting. I would suggest it's an unusal M/F couple where both have equal calorific requirements? I suppose it does happen but I'll admit to having no experience of this as my DH is 12" taller than me - not that unusual.

uhOhOP · 07/02/2024 18:53

Sounds like he's just a selfish man, somebody who wants to look out for himself even when it comes to little things like dishing up dinner. Not sure it should be this way with the person you love the most.

And I imagine it's infuriating because it's such a small thing that it seems inconsequential and is difficult for people to understand the problem, but it's not inconsequential – it makes you wonder just how much of a selfish and tight person he is if he's like this with a plate of dinner and a round of drinks.

Original poster
hungryhiphop · 07/02/2024 18:55

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/02/2024 18:51

Interesting. I would suggest it's an unusal M/F couple where both have equal calorific requirements? I suppose it does happen but I'll admit to having no experience of this as my DH is 12" taller than me - not that unusual.

It's truly not that complicated or unusual. He is slim, sedentary, not tall, and a few years older than me. I am younger, average weight and more active. My TDEE is actually about 100 calories higher than his. But it's actually not all that relevant anyway, because this is something he's doing without consulting me.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 07/02/2024 18:56

If he serves himself more because that’s how much he wants then he needs to cook a larger volume of food so you are both satisfied

It is common for men to eat more on their plate and regardless of what you think they do require more calories (unless you are an Olympic athlete)

how much extra does he have? 20pc more than you? Higher, lower?

CombatBarbie · 07/02/2024 18:58

I was coming to say I always get or serve myself the smaller portion. But I'm a 9.5st and DH is 15st in a physically demanding job but your saying TDEE means your equal. Are you sure? Men typically need more calories anyway.

But it sounds like this is just one thing of many and he's actually quite selfish. Have you/do you cook and serve him the smaller portion?

AhNowTed · 07/02/2024 19:00

Bollocks to that OP.

Imagine thinking it's ok to serve your daughter less than your son.

It's absolutely not ok.

Puddingpieplum · 07/02/2024 19:00

When it's his turn to cook could you say "I'm hungry so I'd like a big helping please". Have you tried that?

OtterlyMad · 07/02/2024 19:05

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/02/2024 18:51

Interesting. I would suggest it's an unusal M/F couple where both have equal calorific requirements? I suppose it does happen but I'll admit to having no experience of this as my DH is 12" taller than me - not that unusual.

There are so many variables that I bet it’s more common than people think. It’s not just about gender or even size, but also levels of physical activity and also how people generally consume across the day. For example, my partner is taller and heavier than me and we do similar levels of physical activity, so he needs more cals overall, but he eats breakfast and has a big lunch and snacks as well whereas I usually skip breakfast and don’t snack at all, so our dinners are usually the same size and I’d be pretty annoyed if he dished himself up a bigger portion just because he happens to be a man!

AtleastitsnotMonday · 07/02/2024 19:09

I would just suggest that from now on dishes are placed on the table for self service.

uhOhOP · 07/02/2024 19:10

CombatBarbie · 07/02/2024 18:58

I was coming to say I always get or serve myself the smaller portion. But I'm a 9.5st and DH is 15st in a physically demanding job but your saying TDEE means your equal. Are you sure? Men typically need more calories anyway.

But it sounds like this is just one thing of many and he's actually quite selfish. Have you/do you cook and serve him the smaller portion?

But they've already calculated their TDEEs and TDEE takes into account sex, so "men typically need more calories" doesn't apply in this situation.

CharmedCult · 07/02/2024 19:11

YANBU

I always give DH the slightly bigger portion, but noticed when he was dishing up he was really taking the piss with how much food he was giving himself compared to me. Yes he needs more calories than me, but he has a desk job and has breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I'm on my feet doing a physical job all day, I don't eat breakfast and I don't snack.

I blew up one day when he made us bacon on toast - a pack of 6 rashers, he gave himself 4 rashers and the 1 egg that was left in the fridge, and gave me 2 rashers.

There's a difference between "I need more calories than you so I'll take a bigger portion" and "I'm a greedy bastard and I'm giving myself three quarters of what has been cooked".

Athena51 · 07/02/2024 19:13

Bloody hell, talk about getting hung up on something irrelevant. OP's DH is continually giving her less and himself more, indicating that he's a bit selfish and uncaring. I doubt he's doing it because he's meticulously worked out her bloody TDEE.

We've clearly lost sight of what a normal portion size is etc etc...

LaCerbiatta · 07/02/2024 19:17

How weird that people are dishing up for other.... Why doesn't everyone just help themselves? How do you know how hungry everyone is that day, whether they'll like the food, etc....

Bbq1 · 07/02/2024 19:22

Athena51 · 07/02/2024 19:13

Bloody hell, talk about getting hung up on something irrelevant. OP's DH is continually giving her less and himself more, indicating that he's a bit selfish and uncaring. I doubt he's doing it because he's meticulously worked out her bloody TDEE.

We've clearly lost sight of what a normal portion size is etc etc...

I agree. So many pp's upset over eating less than their partner and obsessing over portion size - to the point of comparing who had how many rashers... I genuinely have a small appetite and much smaller than my dh which is normal I think for men/women . He has double on his plate whoever serves it. He knows to give me less. Honestly though if you're genuinely upset about not getting "more food", just cook more. It's so petty.

Draconis · 07/02/2024 19:26

Do you have enough food op? Or is it just a comparison of who has more? Because that's what it should come down to.

Tell your dh to start cooking more food if you both want bigger portions.

I would find this completely normal and my ds does eat more than my Dd so I wouldn't have an issue with him having more food. There's enough for anyone if they wanted seconds.

kintra · 07/02/2024 19:36

LaCerbiatta · 07/02/2024 19:17

How weird that people are dishing up for other.... Why doesn't everyone just help themselves? How do you know how hungry everyone is that day, whether they'll like the food, etc....

Have you heard of 'families'? It's where people live together and cook for each other. If I'm cooking the meal I'm dishing up so I know everyone gets enough. If there are leftovers people can help themselves after everyone's eaten

Catdoorman · 07/02/2024 19:36

Just hover when he's serving up, I do think men need more calories than women though. My husband is half inch shorter than me and weighs a stone less, we work at the same job, he eats like a horse, If I tried to keep up with him I would be obese .

StarDolphins · 07/02/2024 19:43

My ex used to do this AND he’s eat loads of it while he was cooking it. Plus, if it was a roast, he’d not leave some for sandwiches the next day, he’d just pile it on his. I always get way less served up than he did! So annoying!

Flottie · 07/02/2024 20:14

If I dish up (so have cooked) I choose the plate not necessarily the biggest but the one with extra crispy cheese or something. If my husband cooks he chooses.

He does have a point though that women need less food than men and if you do talk about losing weight a lot then that makes sense.

xyz111 · 07/02/2024 20:16

I always give my DH the slightly bigger portion as he's male and eats more calories a day than what I as a woman need. It doesn't bother me. A woman doesn't need the same amount of food a male does, so you shouldn't be matching exactly what he eats.

PaminaMozart · 07/02/2024 20:17

So he eats more than his fair share and doesn't offer to get a round of drinks when it's his turn.

I am sensing there is more to this than the above...

disappearingfish · 07/02/2024 20:19

Just serve yourself. I hate DH dishing out my food but that's because he gives me far too much!

LaCerbiatta · 07/02/2024 20:25

kintra · 07/02/2024 19:36

Have you heard of 'families'? It's where people live together and cook for each other. If I'm cooking the meal I'm dishing up so I know everyone gets enough. If there are leftovers people can help themselves after everyone's eaten

Show quote history

I have heard of "families", so happens I have one myself and I cook for everyone. When the food is ready I bring the pan or serving dish to the table and everyone helps themselves depending on how hungry they are, or how much they like that particular meal. I make sure there is enough for everyone, sometimes there are leftovers, sometimes not. I really cannot see why anyone would do it differently..... Don't you end up either having food left on the plate or some people going hungry?

muchalover · 07/02/2024 20:29

Are posters being deliberately obtuse?
Not ALL men need more calories for the evening meal. As others have said he may eat more often, higher calorie breakfast or lunches, more snacks.

It is selfish to ASSUME that your partner BECAUSE THEY ARE FEMALE gets less. He doesn't know if she's eaten at all that day so it's not up to him.