DH and food

[hungryhiphop]

When DH is dishing out food, he always gives me the smaller of the two portions.

He tries to do it evenly, but there's usually one with a little bit more/ less - and the one with less always ends up in front of me. I've noticed this consistently over a long period.

I got upset last night being given the smaller portion. He's just done it so many times and I was starting to feel a really unhealthy resentment about it, so I told him.

He said he thought because I'm female and because I'm 'always trying to lose weight', I would have wanted the smaller one. He'd just made that assumption without asking me.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed at this as he never consulted me and it just makes me feel a bit rubbish to always be given the smaller portion, without being asked if that's what I want?

so are you trying to lose weight or not? I mean he's maybe trying to be mindful ? I mean you could always say you would like more.

I always dish men, a slightly bigger portion as men require more calories than women.

I eat less than my husband I would be the size of a house if I ate his portion of dinners

We serve ourselves. I hate being served food (unless I'm in a restaurant) as I find it infantilising.

But the issue is less about the food and more about his sexist assumptions, clearly.

To be fair, if you share cooking then does it really matter? When he cooks & dishes up he can take the bigger portion, when you do then you can take the bigger portion?

As others have said though it does depend on what we are talking about portion wise, if DH was dishing himself up 10 chicken nuggets and me 4 chicken nuggets, I’d be a bit annoyed, but if he was dishing himself up 6 and me up 5, then I wouldn’t even bat an eye. So the difference in size does make a difference to the situation.

So if you went out to eat and you were served a smaller portion than a man who'd ordered the same dish, you'd be OK with that?

If we’re talking about the slightly smaller slice of lasagne or a tiny bit less curry the YABU. It’s just a non-issue and you’re doing yourself no favours getting stressed about it. Choose your battles.

@ThreeImaginaryBoys

That's such a silly example - if I'm paying for a meal, it would typically be a standard size regardless of whether it's a man or a woman who ordered the meal. This situation isn't talking about a restaurant. In a home situation, I always dish the male out more than my serving.

I'm thinking OP's partner thinks similar and maybe she hasn't explained to him that actually, she needs the same serving size.

@LaCerbiatta I bring the pan or serving dish to the table and everyone helps themselves depending on how hungry they are, or how much they like that particular meal. I make sure there is enough for everyone, sometimes there are leftovers, sometimes not. I really cannot see why anyone would do it differently.....

You must have a very limited imagination then, to not understand that the way you do things is not The Only Way. I'd see your way as a recipe for overeating and obesity. Dishing up is portion control. We do HelloFresh, so no we don't often have food left over or go hungry as we're eating set portions. As I said, DH might have a snack later but he's 6 foot 4 and has an active job so has high calorie requirements.

Many people seem to be missing the point. Aside from the fact that OP has explained she requires more calories than her husband, calorie requirements is not exactly about men versus women, so why are people repeating that men need more food than women? This is obviously not going to be true 100% of the time. In any case, it's about the man's selfishness. He chooses to put himself before his wife in this small way.

People are saying, basically, does it really matter? Well, indeed, does it matter? Why doesn't he serve OP the bigger plate or just make the servings the same size or even ask OP if it's enough or should he put more on the plate? As another poster said, I also suspect the serving of dinner and the reluctance to buy a round of drinks is the tip of the iceberg, and that this man is thoroughly and irritatingly selfish.

If you both require a similar amount of calories then it needs to be dished up evenly.

If it’s not, then call him out on it and tell him to give you some of his considering he’s got a lot more.

Don't men need more calories and are generally bigger? I've always just naturally given a slightly larger portion to my partner. If he gave me a slightly larger plate of food I'd probably say oh you have this one.

But assuming that whenever he dishes up it’s also him who did the cooking, what’s the issue really with him giving himself the “better” portion? When OP cooks, she can do that too.

It was always the case with my grandparents and parents growing up that the chef got first choice/best portion, they used to call it “the tax paid for being the chef”😂

Before anybody could really comment properly we’d need to know how different portions are, as has been pointed out. There’s a big difference between one having 10 of something and the other having 4, and one having 6 of something and the other having 5.

Ah sorry seen that OP has answered the calorie issue. Please ignore my previous comment x

why you waited so long to ask?

his explanation makes sense

And this also calculated your metabolism rate does it...... 🤔 If he's taller and sedentary he's clearly got a faster metabolism than the op.

Anyways.... Besides the nit picking, I hope op is cooking tomorrow and serving him the smaller portion.

OP hasn't said that he gives himself the "better" plate, with the crispiest roast potatoes or whatever it might be. He just gives himself more food than he gives OP. Everybody needs to eat enough food at dinner, regardless of whether somebody else cooked it, so this "tax" idea also doesn't apply here.

DH and DS have much bigger portions than me. If they dish mine up they give me smaller portions but it's still too big for me.

I'm not skinny at all but have lost my appetite and prefer small meals with healthy snacks than 3 large meals

Of course it applies because take your example of roasties, if there have been 15 cooked, and he has cooked them and is dishing up, there’s no issue with him dishing himself up 8 and OP having 7. Meaning he, as the chef, takes the “better” portion AKA in that scenario the bigger one. Both have enough food.

That’s honestly not something I could be arsed being annoyed about, lifes too short. HOWEVER if there were 15 roasties and he was having 10 while OP was given 5, THEN I’d say it’s a valid complaint and something I’d mention. So the proportions massively matter here. As you say, everyone needs enough of a meal, so if the difference is tiny, you’re both getting enough, the chef just gets slightly more (aka 1 or 2 extra), they cooked and dishes up.

My parents always did this with me and my brother. Stopped all the arguing and I got get good at fishing up exactly 50/50

I always find it really odd though when an adult dishes up and gives themselves the larger portion. I'd never dream of doing that (even though sometimes I might want to)

OP, my wife and I have similar calorie needs also.
I do all of the cooking.
She always gets the bigger portion and she always gets all of the prime cuts, non-burnt bits, uncracked eggs etc.
I eat whatever is left.

People can say what they want and stick up for this man, but I would not feel right short changing my wife like that, it's just not on.

In his defence, you have let this slide for way too long and he may genuinely have some misguided sense of helping you lose weight or whatever. But it's time to put a stop to it.

That would bother me a bit aswell as I would expect the meals to be divided equally unless you said you wanted a smaller portion, it seems a bit mean and inconsiderate

Is he trying to keep you slim

The calories are IRRELEVANT.

It doesn't matter if OP is obese and 5ft tall with a 7ft tall husband.

The issue is, her partner is being consistently self-serving and he is selfish not just when serving dinner.

OP, I wouldn't be happy about this either and would probably either implement a rule where you serve up your dinner first and then he can get his or you choose which plate you want

You can then fairly switch between choosing the biggest vs not.

I would find this upsetting. My DH does the opposite, in fact he will sometimes give me a particularly nice bit from his own plate if he thinks it's something I'd love. I do the same. It's just one of the little ways you show love and care. If he's selfish in other ways, then a regular visible reminder like this would be extra upsetting, it's like he's saying you're a little bit less important than he is.

And this is relevant to the OP's thread because.... ?