My partner won’t marry me

[Glibe33]

I live with my partner of 8 years and we have a daughter who is 5, we got engaged two years ago and every time I bring the topic up of marriage my partner says to me well we aren’t exactly good at the moment with arguing and falling out etc. (this is not around our child by the way) I said to him well marriage means a lot to me and you never want to talk about it and always shut the conversation down. He always refers back to not having any money and being able to afford to when we both work and he is a high earner. I have never wanted anything fancy or am a big spender and would be happy with the basic registery office and just having immediate family there. I feel really upset about it and feel like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore 😓 I’m not sure if I am being petty but I’m in my thirties now and thought we would be hitched by now. What should I do?

Call his bluff and tell him you would rather separate if he won't commit.

You need to decide if you can accept a relationship but never get married or if marriage is a deal breaker for you.

Don’t play games as pp suggests, you might not like the result.

If your relationship isn’t great at the moment then marriage isn’t going to solve the problems. Try working on the relationship first and getting to a happy place, then address the marriage issue.

Stop hanging around. Tell him "I want to get married, it is important to me (for X Y and Z reasons). We can get married for £200 (or whatever) at the registry office and we have the money to do that. If you want to marry me, let's book it for next month and let family know. If you don't want to get married then I have to consider that the end of our relationship as it is a deal breaker for me."

Well what can you do? There’s an argument that if you felt it was that important you’d have got married before having a child and not waited 8 years to make it a big deal.

I agree with him that frequent arguments mean your relationship isn’t good but he also sounds the type to throw endless obstacles at the idea eg cost, so I think just accept it’s not going to happen and decide whether to stay with him knowing you’ll never get married.

What is your financial position? Do you work full time? If not, I'd get a job and a pension sharpish and start using some very robust birth control. You would be high and dry if he wanted out of your current set up.

Have you got a will? Who is your daughters guardian if you die?

If it's important to you, and long term you want to be a marital relationship for any reason you could choose then you need to take steps to leave this relationship and create the world you want.

Depends why you're having a lot of arguments.

If your relationship is already in a not great place then surely now is not the time to get married.

so he's not Mr right, he just Mr Right now? Not so much I do, but you'll do? Your relationship doesn't sound like you should even be contemplating marriage, he doesn't want to get married; just because you do, doesn't mean he has too, even if you do have kids. Whether you stay or not is another story.

Why would you want to get married when you're not in a happy relationship?

Do you not work? Perhaps the money comment (as cheap as a wedding can be!) is showing some concerns about other things.

It sounds like he is saying you are closer to breaking up than getting married. Would you be willing to try relationship counselling?

Well he does want to be with you because he is with you. He just doesn’t want to be married to you. As to what you should do, this is a difficult because it is closing the stable door after the horse has bolted really. All you can do is decide if you can accept not being married, or leave him and hope you meet somebody else, unfortunate that there is a child in that scenario of course.

A) there is no point marrying someone if your relationship is in trouble.

B) He doesn’t want to marry you so if you want marriage this isn’t the relationship for you.

If he's a high earner, it doesn't benefit him.

You already live with him.

You already have a child with him.

Why would he feel the need to get married?

He doesn't want to marry you, while your relationship is not happy. That is not unreasonable.

You have to decide what you want. You can stay, and work on improving the relationship, or you can leave and either be single, or look for a new partner.

Nowhere in your OP do you mention whether you love him so it's hard to say what you should do.

He's telling you he doesn't want to marry you. Financial excuse is an excuse to hide this fact.

Do you want to marry (or even stay with) a man who won't commit after 8 years and having a child together?

Do you want to then have it drag on with years of arguing and falling out until eventually he fucks off, leaving you having to start again at 40+? Because to me that looks like the way it's going.

Thanks, we started counselling last year but first had to do individual therapy, I finished mine but he gave up after two weeks as he didn’t like the therapist 🙄

He seems to have a point. If you're arguing now, why would he want to marry you?

I would not.

You need to consider you options

Are the arguments because of resentment building that you’re not married? If it’s a deal breaker then you have to choose between letting it ride or breaking free. It doesn’t seem fair that he asked to marry you and put an engagement ring on but not keep to set a date

I think that is all you can do now…

Set a date

Without his consent?

If he's the higher earner then he doesn't want to marry you because he wants to protect his assets and doesn't see you as a couple working together for the good of your unit. If you work part time go back full time immediately, give him the bill for the childcare and say you've taken enough of a hit for your family. Start looking out for yourself because he's not doing it for you, he's looking after number one so you must do so too.

If he's a high earner, he has nothing to gain, you have already had his child. You have no leverage unless you are willing to leave over it.

I would be very concerned about your position though. Are you dependent on him? Do you have a decent income yourself?

If you intend to stay despite no marriage I would have a discussion about ensuring your future security e.g. wills, your name on the house deeds (even if this is a ring fenced amount) if he isn't willing to protect you with marriage then you need to start being more selfish and prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.