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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner won’t marry me

82 replies

Glibe33 · 05/02/2024 18:18

I live with my partner of 8 years and we have a daughter who is 5, we got engaged two years ago and every time I bring the topic up of marriage my partner says to me well we aren’t exactly good at the moment with arguing and falling out etc. (this is not around our child by the way) I said to him well marriage means a lot to me and you never want to talk about it and always shut the conversation down. He always refers back to not having any money and being able to afford to when we both work and he is a high earner. I have never wanted anything fancy or am a big spender and would be happy with the basic registery office and just having immediate family there. I feel really upset about it and feel like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore 😓 I’m not sure if I am being petty but I’m in my thirties now and thought we would be hitched by now. What should I do?

OP posts:
DorisDoesDoncaster · 05/02/2024 21:02

Marriage is a financial contract. There is NOTHING romantic about it. He just doesn’t want to be on the hook financially for you going forward.

So don’t give up your career, do make sure that you pay into your pension. Do not take on all the childcare and let that impact your earnings and pension negatively. He must do 50% of all household chores and maintenance plus pay 50% of the childcare costs.

If he doesn’t want to be financially responsible for you then you must look after your own earnings and make sure that he pays 50% of all childcare costs so that you can work. At the very least.

Songiii · 05/02/2024 21:04

Lifetrials · 05/02/2024 20:04

23 years together but not married
so I have been with partner 23 years, we have a 19 y old daughter, she is at uni. He is well off. We live in a big property with land. I have horses. He has a good job. No mortgage. I don’t have to to contribute to household bills. I do have 2 horses which I have to fund and I work full time with horses to fund them. I earned decent money as a finance manager till about 6 years ago then quit that to follow my passion to work with horses which is obviously low paid, and since then have only really funded my hobby.
I have zero savings in my own right and am totally hand to mouth every month. I am 50 now and starting to worry about my future as I won’t be able to keep up this physical job into my 60’s.
My oh is very careful with money. Marriage has never been in the cards. i suggested we get married the other day to just secure my old age and he reacted very angrily. It was a no chance answer. End of discussion.
i now feel like I have no option other than to leave him but do you think I have any rights to his assets at all?
we were getting on just fine until I had this bright idea, now I know exactly where I stand and there seems no way back.
any advice?
j know hindsight is a wonderful thing

You need to start your own thread.

but yes, you’re not in the best position if your relationship doesn’t work out. Work on getting savings if he doesn’t want to marry you.

Leave nothing to chance, you don’t know for sure if he’ll put you in his will and go back to work to boost your pension

Justfinking · 05/02/2024 21:12

BarelyLiterate · 05/02/2024 21:01

I wouldn’t want to marry someone with whom my relationship was not exactly good at the moment with arguing and falling out etc., either. That view makes complete sense.

It would seem sensible to try working on the relationship to see if it can be improved before thinking seriously about marriage.

I'd agree with this, and obviously if you wanted to get married you should've done this before having a child.

Brightandbubly · 05/02/2024 21:12

GalileoHumpkins · 05/02/2024 18:47

Without his consent?

Show quote history

It was a typo error from my previous post that I corrected

Velvian · 05/02/2024 21:14

Whose name does your DD have @Glibe33? I'll bet he convinced you to register his only, as you'll get married eventually.

Take some power back, add your name to your DD's name if she doesn't already have it. Start looking after your career and your finances.

CaramelMac · 05/02/2024 21:17

He doesn’t want to marry you, he’ll string you along until a better offer comes up, and he’ll probably marry the next one after 6 months.

TempleOfBloom · 05/02/2024 21:22

Look out for yourself financially.

Of course he doesn’t want to get married: he is a high earner, and would increase his liabilities if you marry and subsequently divorce.

I hope you are on the deeds of your house.

And have been saving into your pension.

And have not disadvantaged yourself to his benefit career wise while doing his share of childcare.

Ladyj84 · 05/02/2024 21:24

If it was so important wouldn't you have got married before child. Anyways I did engaged them a month later married all in the cheap and had a wonderful time with our family.

lemonmeringueno3 · 05/02/2024 21:28

I think I agree with him - your relationship is poor enough to need counselling, so it is not the time to get married. Why would either of you want that additional legal hurdle to jump if you do indeed break up?

TwylaSands · 05/02/2024 21:31

Glibe33 · 05/02/2024 18:40

Thanks, we started counselling last year but first had to do individual therapy, I finished mine but he gave up after two weeks as he didn’t like the therapist 🙄

Why did you have to do individual first?

Marrying when you are already in counselling and having relationship difficulties doesnt sound ideal.

But staying with a man who doesnt want to marry you when you want marriage in a relationship that isnt working is not ideal either.

he isnt going to marry you. Think about what you want. Is this what you have now what you want?

ClematisRock · 05/02/2024 21:41

He doesn't want to marry you.

And why would you want to marry someone who you argue with?

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 05/02/2024 21:43

Being very blunt, he doesn't see you as forever so he's not letting you take any of his money as he knows marriage = divorce.

It's awful to say, but why would someone voluntarily enter into a contract to give a person they had no intention of staying with, at least 50% of their assets in a few years, if they had the choice not to do that?

What would your monthly child maintenance payments be from him? Can you afford to leave?

theduchessofspork · 05/02/2024 21:44

Tell him you want to get married this summer and that’s it - he can pick July or August. A civil partnership works too if he’d prefer that.

If he’s a high earner I’d strongly suspect he wants to protect his money which is not in the interests in his child or you. Protect yourself.

lifeispainauchocolat · 05/02/2024 21:49

If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married.

So either stay and accept you'll never be married, or leave. There's not really any other choice.

DixonD · 05/02/2024 21:50

theduchessofspork · 05/02/2024 21:44

Tell him you want to get married this summer and that’s it - he can pick July or August. A civil partnership works too if he’d prefer that.

If he’s a high earner I’d strongly suspect he wants to protect his money which is not in the interests in his child or you. Protect yourself.

Edited

So that’s it? All he’s given is a choice of two months - not whether he actually wants to do it. He clearly doesn’t. This would be completely controlling and would never be suggested if it was the woman not wanting to get married.

Dontkillspiders · 05/02/2024 21:58

You had a child and live with him with no commitment already so why would he marry you?
Sad reality op but you aren't the only one who has fallen into this trap. Women give to mich and men to little in relationships.

BananaSquiggle · 05/02/2024 22:04

Glibe33 · 05/02/2024 18:40

Thanks, we started counselling last year but first had to do individual therapy, I finished mine but he gave up after two weeks as he didn’t like the therapist 🙄

Why on earth would you want to get married in this context?

Noseybookworm · 05/02/2024 22:32

I can understand him not wanting to get married if there are problems in the relationship. Do you really want to marry him if you have to pressure him into it? I can't see that ending well

PurpleBugz · 05/02/2024 22:58

I would hazard a guess it's because he's a high earner trying to protect his assets.

If you give an ultimatum can you live with the consequences should he refuse to wed you? Having just been fucked over by my high earning ex planning a baby then stepping back leaving my financially fucked and holding a baby I wish I could go back and insist he marry me before getting pregnant. You don't realise how vulnerable you are having kids out of marriage, it seems so old fashioned to think you should be married first but in reality if you give him kids before you are married and he's got more money than you why would he marry you? Only because he loves you and wants to be with you through life and if he felt that way why is he not wanting to get married himself?

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 05/02/2024 23:03

He's a high earner, you have a baby already. He has a foot out the door, OP. He's keeping his options open and doesn't want a messy divorce.

I'd make an exit plan before he dumps you first. I pray to God you are not a SAHM.

Lifetrials · 06/02/2024 18:35

She will get everything, he worships her. I don’t want to rattle round this big house anyway, would far rather sell up and downsize to something more manageable.
it is so sad that he still values his assets more than me after 23 years of companionship. He takes after his mother who is as tight as a drum

RogueFemale · 06/02/2024 19:08

Lifetrials · 06/02/2024 18:35

She will get everything, he worships her. I don’t want to rattle round this big house anyway, would far rather sell up and downsize to something more manageable.
it is so sad that he still values his assets more than me after 23 years of companionship. He takes after his mother who is as tight as a drum

It won't be your decision whether to sell up or not, but your daughter's decision, - though there may be significant inheritance tax to pay, forcing a sale.

Either way, you are entirely at the mercy of other people, which isn't a good position to be in at your age. I do hope you have a good relationship with your daughter, but her priorities may change when she gets married and has children.

chantelion · 06/02/2024 19:11

D1LL1GAF · 05/02/2024 18:20

Call his bluff and tell him you would rather separate if he won't commit.

Don't corner someone into marrying you. That would be worse than anything, you rather be single. Sorry op sounds like he is stringing you along.

WearyAuldWumman · 06/02/2024 22:20

RogueFemale · 06/02/2024 19:08

It won't be your decision whether to sell up or not, but your daughter's decision, - though there may be significant inheritance tax to pay, forcing a sale.

Either way, you are entirely at the mercy of other people, which isn't a good position to be in at your age. I do hope you have a good relationship with your daughter, but her priorities may change when she gets married and has children.

Show quote history

The point about inheritance tax is a good one. By failing to marry, he's probably disadvantaging his daughter, given the rules about inheritance tax and married couples.

WandaWonder · 06/02/2024 22:23

So you are having issues, marriage is not going to make those issues vanish