Page 2 | My partner won’t marry me

NeedToChangeName · 05/02/2024 18:50

As I say every time this comes up -

If he wanted to be married, you would be married by now

No one should get married if they don't want to

I wouldn't want to marry someone who had to be dragged up the aisle kicking and screaming

I'd only want to marry someone who thought he was the luckiest man alive

Don't give ultimatums

But, it is reasonable to say that, whilst you respect his choice not to marry, you are now wondering whether you wish to remain in the relationship. Take some agency here. Be the master of your own ship

toomuchfaff · 05/02/2024 19:01

Brightandbubly · 05/02/2024 18:42

Set a date

for leaving?

Fionaville · 05/02/2024 19:04

I'd tell him it's time to commit to marriage or get out. You're either loved or you're not.
He's a high earner, he's trying to protect his wages. You're good enough to have children with and live with, but not good enough to marry? Stand firm!

Figgygal · 05/02/2024 19:09

Face it op you are in therapy already he didnt commit, you're in counselling and he's making excuses. He doesn't want to get married so it's come to terms with that or finish and find a new relationship where you share the same views on marriage and where you can be happy.
Why do you want to marry him at this point?

RogueFemale · 05/02/2024 19:14

Fionaville · 05/02/2024 19:04

I'd tell him it's time to commit to marriage or get out. You're either loved or you're not.
He's a high earner, he's trying to protect his wages. You're good enough to have children with and live with, but not good enough to marry? Stand firm!

OP says "He always refers back to not having any money and being able to afford to when we both work and he is a high earner." To me, this reads as when eventually they are both in work and when eventually he is a high earner. Not that he's a high earner currently.

Fionaville · 05/02/2024 19:21

RogueFemale · 05/02/2024 19:14

OP says "He always refers back to not having any money and being able to afford to when we both work and he is a high earner." To me, this reads as when eventually they are both in work and when eventually he is a high earner. Not that he's a high earner currently.

Edited

Show quote history

Ah OK, got it. I've gotten used to reading posts with no punctuation, so thought that was the case here.
@Glibe33 is he just planning to be a high earner?

eggbot · 05/02/2024 19:23

If you didn't have a kid I'd leave. As you have decided to have a kid with him you need to think very carefully about what is best for your child. Do you work? I'd get into as good a financial position as you can before leaving

Mermaidsarereal · 05/02/2024 19:27

I haven't voted because I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think your parter may also be right... if you aren't getting on getting married won't fix it.

Mexicola · 05/02/2024 19:40

This. You don’t really have any bargaining chips left now you’ve had a child.

I think you have to accept it’s gone to far and if he’s the higher earner why jeopardise his income now?

Vitriolinsanity · 05/02/2024 19:45

What's in it for him?

What's in it for you?

You want.

He does not want.

The only date you should really be considering is when to call it a day. And mean it.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 05/02/2024 19:46

Leave

Lifetrials · 05/02/2024 20:04

23 years together but not married
so I have been with partner 23 years, we have a 19 y old daughter, she is at uni. He is well off. We live in a big property with land. I have horses. He has a good job. No mortgage. I don’t have to to contribute to household bills. I do have 2 horses which I have to fund and I work full time with horses to fund them. I earned decent money as a finance manager till about 6 years ago then quit that to follow my passion to work with horses which is obviously low paid, and since then have only really funded my hobby.
I have zero savings in my own right and am totally hand to mouth every month. I am 50 now and starting to worry about my future as I won’t be able to keep up this physical job into my 60’s.
My oh is very careful with money. Marriage has never been in the cards. i suggested we get married the other day to just secure my old age and he reacted very angrily. It was a no chance answer. End of discussion.
i now feel like I have no option other than to leave him but do you think I have any rights to his assets at all?
we were getting on just fine until I had this bright idea, now I know exactly where I stand and there seems no way back.
any advice?
j know hindsight is a wonderful thing

canttellyouwhereorwhatido · 05/02/2024 20:08

As granny always said when I was thinking about having kids with someone who hadn't proposed marriage....

Why would you buy the cow when the calf came for free ?...

I heeded that advice .. and married first. If he doesn't love you enough to marry you then he certainly doesn't love you enough to support you appropriately when you have birthed his children !

Caveat : unless of course you have an independent income he can't tough which will cover your loss of income and pension payments whilst raising/birthing your children... if you ARE in this fortunate position then HELL NO .. unless you really love him enough to lose half of it ..

WearyAuldWumman · 05/02/2024 20:13

Lifetrials · 05/02/2024 20:04

23 years together but not married
so I have been with partner 23 years, we have a 19 y old daughter, she is at uni. He is well off. We live in a big property with land. I have horses. He has a good job. No mortgage. I don’t have to to contribute to household bills. I do have 2 horses which I have to fund and I work full time with horses to fund them. I earned decent money as a finance manager till about 6 years ago then quit that to follow my passion to work with horses which is obviously low paid, and since then have only really funded my hobby.
I have zero savings in my own right and am totally hand to mouth every month. I am 50 now and starting to worry about my future as I won’t be able to keep up this physical job into my 60’s.
My oh is very careful with money. Marriage has never been in the cards. i suggested we get married the other day to just secure my old age and he reacted very angrily. It was a no chance answer. End of discussion.
i now feel like I have no option other than to leave him but do you think I have any rights to his assets at all?
we were getting on just fine until I had this bright idea, now I know exactly where I stand and there seems no way back.
any advice?
j know hindsight is a wonderful thing

Are you able to contact a Citizen's Advice Bureau, to check on what your position would be if you were to leave him?

I'm annoyed on your behalf.

My late husband wasn't wealthy, but the very fact that we were married has helped me financially. When he died, I was entitled to - I think - a hundred pounds a month for the first 18 months because he had a state pension and I wasn't pension age when he died. I also got a percentage of his teaching pension - I get about 450 a month. It's been a big help.

I can't imagine why your partner is being so selfish.

My stepdaughter's partner was older than her. They didn't marry - they 'didn't expect him to die'. It meant that she had no entitlement to his work pension, but their daughter got it until she left education.

GalileoHumpkins · 05/02/2024 20:13

Why would you buy the cow when the calf came for free ?

God, are people still trotting out that misogynistic load of old crap?

ADHDspoonie · 05/02/2024 20:42

Sounds almost exactly like my ex..... Run like the wind and don't look back, you'll be much happier, I spent far too long with my ex and wish I'd left a lot sooner than I did.

RogueFemale · 05/02/2024 20:48

Lifetrials · 05/02/2024 20:04

23 years together but not married
so I have been with partner 23 years, we have a 19 y old daughter, she is at uni. He is well off. We live in a big property with land. I have horses. He has a good job. No mortgage. I don’t have to to contribute to household bills. I do have 2 horses which I have to fund and I work full time with horses to fund them. I earned decent money as a finance manager till about 6 years ago then quit that to follow my passion to work with horses which is obviously low paid, and since then have only really funded my hobby.
I have zero savings in my own right and am totally hand to mouth every month. I am 50 now and starting to worry about my future as I won’t be able to keep up this physical job into my 60’s.
My oh is very careful with money. Marriage has never been in the cards. i suggested we get married the other day to just secure my old age and he reacted very angrily. It was a no chance answer. End of discussion.
i now feel like I have no option other than to leave him but do you think I have any rights to his assets at all?
we were getting on just fine until I had this bright idea, now I know exactly where I stand and there seems no way back.
any advice?
j know hindsight is a wonderful thing

You have no legal rights. Unless you are married, or unless your partner has made provision for you in his Will (which sounds unlikely), then if your partner died tomorrow, the executors could sell the house and evict you. The only potential fall-back is if your daughter were to inherit everything and were happy to keep the house and let you stay there. If she's cut out of the Will she could contest it under the Inheritance Act.

Might be an idea to return to work as a finance manager?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/02/2024 20:50

Firstly, do you want to marry someone with whom you dont have a great relationship?

gave up after two weeks as he didn’t like the therapist

You know this is bullshit right? He can ask for a change of therapist or look for one privately. He sounds like he is going to quibble for ever because he does not want to be married- because at the moment you have no protection or rights. So it depends if being with him regardless is better than the alternative. I would not want to be with someone who has so little respect for me, but it is not so easy when you have children.

WishesPromises · 05/02/2024 20:51

He doesn't want to marry you. Can you live with that?

Crayons123 · 05/02/2024 20:55

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Deadringer · 05/02/2024 20:56

You are already engaged so tell him that you want to be married by X date, and that if he doesn't then you will need to re-think your relationship. You have to mean it though.

Songiii · 05/02/2024 20:58

If you want marriage and he doesn’t - move on. Don’t sink any more years with someone who’s on a different page, you’ll end up resenting him

Crayons123 · 05/02/2024 20:59

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GRex · 05/02/2024 20:59

How was it that you got engaged if you aren't planning a wedding?

I agree with @Whitesapphire; fix your relationship if you want a marriage. A marriage IS the relationship, that's the point of it, you are committing to each other. Stop discussing marriage and start discussing how to love and care for each other. If he won't do that, then you have your answer.

BarelyLiterate · 05/02/2024 21:01

I wouldn’t want to marry someone with whom my relationship was not exactly good at the moment with arguing and falling out etc., either. That view makes complete sense.

It would seem sensible to try working on the relationship to see if it can be improved before thinking seriously about marriage.