To insist DH drives us?

[Woozywoozer]

DH drives. I don't (medical reasons)

DD has an appointment at 4pm every Monday for the next 12 weeks.

The appointment is in Manchester city centre.

We live close to a tram station so last week he dropped us off there on the way to him getting DS.

It's the same time local high school gets out, 2 of them I fact, and it was absolutely RAMMED.
With teens shouting, fighting, pushing, swearing.

DD is Autistic (shes going to art therapy) and hated it.

DH can pick DS up with us in car then take us to town by 4pm but it would mean him stuck in traffic a bit and driving in Manchester town which he hates (he's only been driving a year)

But we would happily get the tram home later. I just really don't want to get it at school time as it's really distressing for DD (and me, I'm autistic too) to have all the kids screaming. Last week some kid was making comments about DDs stickers on her headphones. But she didn't hear.

DH doesn't work on a Monday. Has no other commitments and it's me that's taking DD every week and sat for 90 mins in a waiting room then getting tram home.

AIBU to tell him I really want him to drop us off?

There's no other appointment slots available and she's been waiting 2 years for this.

Take her out of school earlier, explaining it’s the only way she can be in a state to access the therapy.

If that’s really not possible (I’d push it with the school), I’d ask DH to take dd on the tram. Over an hour of stressful driving, with the risk of fines if he gets it wrong (eg crosses a bus lane too early) versus her being squashed and stressed for 15 minutes isn’t a great trade off, but if he is calm and can support her / block people from shoving her on the tram, I think it’s the least worst option.

I did wonder if you’re used to crowded public transport? There are ways to protect a child or someone wobbly on their feet using positioning and being strategic about where to stand.

I wouldn't be confident to get to the appointment on time if I was to drive through Manchester at rush hour. It's so stressful as well.

It sounds like this appointment just doesn't work for you all. I can completely sympathise with your DH, there are some places where I hate driving and will avoid at all costs. I will try and suck it up but it's a huge ask, especially considering you don't drive yourself (which I understand is because of medical reasons).

Can you ask to be on the waiting list for an alternative app?
In the meantime, can you try and find an alternative route for you and DD? I don't know Manc but is there an alt bus route you could take? Or a taxi?

I’d just tell school that you'll be collecting dc earlier and get an earlier tram. 15 minutes vs over an hour in the car ( which for an experienced driver in horrendous traffic is difficult, never mind someone who’s only been driving for a year). I take it you don’t drive op so can’t understand the anxiety your dh may have.

I agree, just because your husband "can" drive, doesn't mean driving where he is totally stressed. Particularly as an inexperienced driver.

I'd say take a taxi, then you both win

With that huge difference, YABU and should take the tram.

Why doesn't your dh take dd to the appointment?

We were late and got on tram at 3.15 and there's no school kids. So hopefully we still get to the appointment by 4 cause if that works out I'll just to get a 3.15 tram. I think the kids finish at 2.45 so by now they've all left.

Sorry, just realised you said you don’t drive. I personally wouldn’t do the drive in your dhs position.

“The traffic. An hour plus in car vs 15 mins on tram. Plus all the one way systems in town that he's not navigated before. He doesn't really like driving at the best of times.”

I’d be inclined to say he should suck it up - learn the one way system (it’s not hard) and tough luck that he doesn’t like driving.

But… I wouldn’t tell you to suck up your medical issue and learn to drive. And I wouldn’t tell you to suck up your autism and deal with the noise.

So for me it really doesn’t depend whether he just needs some encouragement or a kick up the arse, or this is a genuine issue for me. But in general, I have a low tolerance for people saying they don’t like driving. Tough luck.

Bottom line for me is if your daughter is still able to get the most from the art therapy after the tram journey. If she doesn’t hear people being arseholes about her ear defender stickers and can just crack on with the sessions… and if he’s not generally a lazy arsehole… then I’d take the tram. I’d also look into leaving school earlier.

If this stops her therapy from being effective - then he needs to step up and be a better parent, and stop whining about one way systems 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you need to be sensitive to the fact driving in Manchester is very stressful. Of course he also needs to be sensitive to your DD's and your needs, but the two journeys aren't comparable given the massive different in time. Seems like you've found a solution if the 3.15 tram is less busy though.

Difference 🙄

You're being totally unreasonable. If you don't drive then it's hard to understand but being in traffic that you're can't navigate and realised that an accident might be coming feels like having a panic attack. It's overwhelming. If he does get overwhelmed then he might well have a serious accident which is much worse consequence than DD being too stressed to engage in therapy (which is very bad, don't get me wrong). If he's only been driving for a year then he probably can't do this. Accept this and take him driving off the table. You and your DH need to find another way to get to the appointment. I would pick her up earlier.

He's a good egg generally. A bloody good egg to be fair.

And DD is fine now that we got the later tram, she's got her headphones on with music playing.

I think I've got the wrong tram though. We have to get off at St Peters Sq. Not market street and it's a longer walk so I don't know if we're gonna make it by 4 with getting later tram.

Can you pick up your daughter earlier from school maybe just 10 minutes and then you’ll miss all the teenagers?

Well that resolved itself quickly 😀
15:15 team which takes 15 mins, but a 16:00 appointment? Am I missing something? Is there a bit of a walk after the tram?

Stressed for 1 hr vs stressed for 15 mins?
Seems like a bit of a no-brainer to me.

Take her out of school a little earlier and catch an earlier tram.

@ilovepuppies2019 being in traffic that you're can't navigate and realised that an accident might be coming feels like having a panic attack. It's overwhelming. If he does get overwhelmed then he might well have a serious accident

Are you joking?!!!

He’s been driving for a year and this is their local area - so he has all the time in the world to check out this one way system at a quiet time to practise it.

It’s normal to have a bit of stress (not Stress) at traffic and deadlines. But what you describe? If that’s how someone feels, they should stop driving until they’ve had more lessons and possibly CBT. What your describing is pretty extreme, it’s not normal at all.

Yes, but it's 15 mins into town but the place is just outside of town so a 20 min walk but DD likes to get there early to have a few mins before she goes in. And the tram isn't always there immediately.

I’d pay for a taxi. Does DD receive any benefits for her condition?

Can you get an Uber from the tram stop?

I think the journey could take even longer through the 3-4pm slot.

Manchester voted 5 in the top 10 stressful cities to drive in according to comparethemarket.

It's honestly not the best place for a newly qualified driver to navigate. I'm also pretty eye rolly at drippy drivers but Manchester city centre roads are like the wild west. Driving in Marrakech was less stressful and that's literally a free for all 🤣

Yeah me too

Where's the appointment OP? Ancoats way? If you need to get to Market St, a lot of trams go via Piccadilly Gardens which is close by (closer than St Peter's Square anyway).