Realising how things weren’t normal for me growing up

[Jasminecandle]

I have a real issue with food now as an adult. I am overweight and I eat too much of the wrong things. I also use food as a comfort.

When growing up we weren’t allowed to help ourselves to food. I was so so skinny as a child and teenager and I don’t think it was particularly healthy.
My parents would feed us three meals a day, but usually quite small portions for me, even as a growing teen.
I remember being hungry in the evenings as we used to eat our dinner about 5/5:30pm. Of course I was growing, but I can’t even imagine helping myself to a piece of toast before bed. So when I became an adult and moved out, I was shocked that people I knew including partners would eat whenever they liked.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking … I bring my own food and keep it in the bedroom where I’m staying instead.

I even remember my Nan trying to feed me extra of her homemade cakes to put some meat on me as a teenager, but my mum would insist I only had 2 of these small homemade cakes, no more as I need to stay slim.

AIBU to believe my parents controlling attitude with food has lead to my issue with food and my weight as an adult?

Did you go to bed hungry?

I didn't.

The replies here are wild! There a bit of a thing on here and I I can't quite articulate it, but it seems to come out when people criticise their parents or think they have had a difficult time. It's a very put up and shut up mentality and very unpleasant. I'm not sure why people do it. Perhaps they have had difficult experiences too and feel that others raising issues invalidates things? I don't know! But it's definitely a thing on MN.

I do think the approach to food when you were a child sounds difficult and will affect your relationship with food now. Were you poor growing up?

This thread shows how any discussion of food and disordered eating just isn't really possible on MN, because there are too many people here who routinely restrict their food intake and who feel they are virtuous for doing so.

If there was a thread where someone was wondering if their upbringing had contributed to their alcoholism, and people were saying 'just stop drinking - you weren't an alcoholic when you were a child, so it's your fault, nothing to do with your parents' it would be seen as ridiculous and unhelpful - rightly so.

But when it's food, it's 'your parents were saints because you were thin then. Just stop putting food in your mouth.'

“The Dursleys had never exactly starved Harry, but he’d never been allowed to eat as much as he liked.”

First Harry Potter book, chapter seven

Dudley gets a large chocolate ice cream when they go to the zoo; the Dursleys aren’t going to get Harry anything, but end up getting him a cheap lemon ice lolly because the lady in the van asks what Harry wants.

According to half the people here, the Dursleys probably recognized that Harry had a tendency to overeat, and that’s why they limited his food. He only looked skinny because everyone is so fat now! Good for them, never giving him any snacks between meals. We shouldn’t criticize them, because people didn’t understand how to feed their children in the ‘90s. 🙄

(Which is when OP was a kid, so let’s quit bringing the ‘70s into this.)

Did you miss the part of the OP posts where she said she went to bed hungry?

I didn't snack regularly when I was a child. In fact my primary school had a ban on eating at playtimes.

I never went to bed hungry.

OP, I think you posted in time to get the late night trolls then the MN orthorexics came in.

3 square meals is fine if they're decent portions and balanced to keep you going from one meal to the next. This is not what OP's parents provided.

Snacking culture has become more informal, but has always existed to some degree. Elevenses, a biscuit with a morning cuppa, milk, tuck at beak time, something to eat when getting home from school, supper... a lot of people never lived soley on 3 meals with no snacks at all, but it was often more structured than today.

At my school in the late 80s/ early 90s we had a tuck shop selling small bags of crisps or chocolate. Things like Tangy Toms, Fish and Chips or Freddos. So yes, there was an established snack culture. Other families I knew at the time did have some kind of structured eating between main meals. DH growing up in a poorer country in the 70s/ 80s came home to home made soup to fill up on, and had deserts made from produce of the garden.

DM was a war child and spent her youth being rationed, then younger adult years in the 60s/ 70s with waife-like aspirations. By my 80s childhood she was battling middle-aged hormones and resorted to diets like The Cambridge Diet. She was a penis portioner too.

Fortunately for me, I didn't have a huge appetite until my teenage years. I spent 13-15 being perpetually hungry. I did get away with secretly making myself second dinner of beans on toast after dinner. Fortunately she didn't pay too much attention to the loaves of bread missing a couple of slices and didn't eat beans much herself. She would never have believed that I needed so much extra food and would have been full of dire warnings about getting fat. She regularly went on about another female and her appetite and weight.

Going to uni and buying food for myself was great. Fortunately I liked cooking fresh food for myself, and the novelty of sweet treats wore off before any damage was done and I've remained a healthy weight and build through adulthood.

What OP describes is a lack of understanding of her needs and a relationship where she hasn't been able to get those needs met. That's both physical and emotional. That can very easily result in a disordered approach to healthy eating and confused boundaries in the long run. Working that out can help to build healthier habits and self-love.

From OP's age, it sounds unlikely that her parents would have experienced rationing themselves and were more likely young in the 60s/ 70s. They sound mean-minded rather than purely growing up in difficult circumstances and repeating the cycle despite changed circumstances.

I’m not sure what point you’re making here.

People didn't snack as much between meals perhaps, but eating puddings was completely normal. We had milk at break at school, and a school dinner with a pudding (proper suet one with custard) every single day. It was seen as an opportunity to feed up kids who might have an impoverished diet at home.

People also cooked biscuits and cakes frequently, have you seen Mrs Beeton?! Home-baked cakes still had sugar and fat in them, they were delicious and we never went round to someone's house without eating a couple of biscuits.

What was different was a) the amount of ultraprocessed food and b) the quantity of snacks, there wasn't cheap chocolate everywhere discounted.

But this idea everyone didn't eat anything sweet at all is rubbish.

YANBU!!! What you experienced is a form of abuse.

I hope you can heal your relationship with yourself and with food. Intuitive eating is brilliant - lots of great Instagram accounts on it. And psychotherapy too. Sending you love.

I think the word 'snack' seems to act as a kind of dog whistle for a certain type of poster. They come bustling in, as though called, to castigate the OP about the evil of 'snacks'.

Then in hectoring tones they lecture everyone but especially the OP about how 'we have lost sight of what is a healthy size', that three healthy meals a day is fine, that the OP needs to sort herself out.

At the last minute they remember that OP said she was going to bed hungry and quickly edit their post to say perhaps that wasn't right.

I might have felt slightly peckish before our dinner, for example, but I didn't feel achingly hungry at night on going to bed, that's not ok at all. We always had toast and fruit as options if we were still hungry after dinner.

Thank you, my god the number of posters who totally ignore OP saying clearly "I was born in the 80s"

Also, I grew up in the 70s and no-one withheld food from me or from anyone else I knew. It's one thing to hear "wait 30 mins until dinner" but consistently having your kids go to bed hungry is just shitty parenting.

OP you're right that an upbringing like that isn't normal. I hope you are able to re-find the comfortable relationship with food that got lost along the way.

The OP went to bed hungry because her parents didn't give her enough food.

Yes it was normal at the time to only have main 3 meals and no/less snacks than compared to today.

It was not normal to not give your children enough to eat so they went to bed hungry.

Exactly! So many people on here are repeating the same phrases: “Nothing wrong with three meals a day” and ‘“It was notmal in the 70s”.
OP didn’t grow up in the 70s, and it’s clearly not just about the number of meals.
It’s about the fact that she often went to bed hungry, had stomach pains and felt as if she might faint. How is that notmal?

I DID grow up in the 70s and although snacks weren’t as much of a thing there was plenty of food. Hot puddings and custard. Cooked breakfasts. Loads of fruit, toast or yogurt if you were hungry. The 70s were the 1970s not the 1870s.

I can’t believe how many people are defending allowing a child to be routinely hungry.

There is absolutely no question that your parents' attitude to food and eating both towards you and towards themselves has shaped your attitude towards those things in adulthood. Anyone who says otherwise is being either willfully or accidentally ignorant about the way parenting shapes children.

It's not just the small portions but the specific emphasis, which you were aware of as a child, of the importance of staying slim. This taught you that your value was predicated on a certain relationship to food, and a certain body type. Controlling access to food also creates complications around it in later life. Many other factors interact with upbringing to shape our behaviours and attitudes in adulthood of course, but I would certainly explore this childhood experience with a specialised therapist. It doesn't mean you don't have the power or agency to break away from the issues created by your upbringing but understanding them will give you much more ability to do so. Good luck 💐

Also - I'm appalled by all the people saying you're a grown up now so make your own choices. It's just so ignorant of how disordered eating works. You can't just tell someone with disordered eating to make better choices. Imagine saying that to someone with anorexia who is literally choosing death over eating, or a binge eater whose binging dominates their life. Do you think people haven't tried telling them to eat/not eat so much?! It isn't that simple.

OP said that her family was doing okay financially, they weren’t struggling.

Yes it's true. Our relationship with food is greatly influenced by our parents/the people who raised us. It is a parents job to teach healthy eating and nutrition. This is not a new idea.

I dont think it's common to allow a child to go to bed hungry or to feed boy children more than girl children.

I know that some have their tea at 5/5:30pm, I did when growing up sometimes (when visiting family/friends in the North of England) but we always had another meal later around 8 or something and it was called supper.

In the 80s it wasn't uncommon to have snacks, usually home made cakes, biscuits etc. But not necessarily common to have sweets and crisps every day.

There a bit of a thing on here and I I can't quite articulate it, but it seems to come out when people criticise their parents or think they have had a difficult time. It's a very put up and shut up mentality and very unpleasant.

I’ve noticed that too! Someone else on here pointed out that might be because many of the posters on MN might be the same generation as said parents?
It’s definitely unpleasant.

Exactly - it’s one thing not to snack and work up a healthy appetite before dinner, but it’s something else entirely to routinely go to bed hungry.

BTW 3 meals a day is not and never has been the recommended amount. It's always been 3 meals plus 2 snacks, perhaps thet wee called morning tea or afterschool pick up.
It is not and has never been suitable for humans to only eat 3 meals a day. 5 yes. 3 no.

But when it's food, it's 'your parents were saints because you were thin then. Just stop putting food in your mouth.'

I think it's more a case of you're an adult now and if you're overweight, you can either own it and try to do something about it, or just blame your parents and do nothing.

Every single overweight person has a story but at the end of the day, blame doesn't shift the pounds.

What it is, is the undercurrent of disgust at various people among some posts: usually the poor, the fat and the disabled. They generally are on the receiving end of snarky posters’ comments. It’s fairly horrific. Especially the ableism. I don’t know if it triggers some insecure posters into seeking a sense of superiority when they discover those elements within an OP. Interesting psychology behind a lot of the stuff posted on here.

I think it's entirely possible you have a disordered relationship with food now because of your childhood. It's also entirely possible your parents believed they were doing right by you. Blaming people isn't te answer here..
What is important is what YOU do now. Get help to address your issues with food and let go of the past.
You'll be much happier if you can let go of the bitterness you seem to feel x