Realising how things weren’t normal for me growing up

[Jasminecandle]

I have a real issue with food now as an adult. I am overweight and I eat too much of the wrong things. I also use food as a comfort.

When growing up we weren’t allowed to help ourselves to food. I was so so skinny as a child and teenager and I don’t think it was particularly healthy.
My parents would feed us three meals a day, but usually quite small portions for me, even as a growing teen.
I remember being hungry in the evenings as we used to eat our dinner about 5/5:30pm. Of course I was growing, but I can’t even imagine helping myself to a piece of toast before bed. So when I became an adult and moved out, I was shocked that people I knew including partners would eat whenever they liked.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking … I bring my own food and keep it in the bedroom where I’m staying instead.

I even remember my Nan trying to feed me extra of her homemade cakes to put some meat on me as a teenager, but my mum would insist I only had 2 of these small homemade cakes, no more as I need to stay slim.

AIBU to believe my parents controlling attitude with food has lead to my issue with food and my weight as an adult?

I read it, thanks. People were skinnier in those days (look at the photos) and that’s what grandmothers do…

LOL, that is never ending topic. Now, do what you want with your life and be as smart with food as you need. Page closed down. Sometimes strict parents are given as being good examples of parents, sometimes vilified. Which way is it

Again people are seizing on weird details rather then seeing the big picture. There is nothing wrong with having a few squares of chocolate or sharing a bag of crisps if you are having a healthy balanced diet and taking in enough calories for your age/weight/sex/activity level.

When you are restricting food to the point of your kids going to bed hungry as the norm, then it's indication of an eating disorder.

I grew up in the 80s and snacking very much was a thing. Kids had milk at morning lunch break - full fat milk, itself quite calorific. At my school, there were also buns (optional) at first break and then after school, my mum would always bring a cake or some other snack for me and my siblings. Elevensies was a thing in our house, as it was in many others, too. My grandparents had tea (and cake) as well, at around 3pm, before supper in the evening. So all this stuff about snacking being a new/post 90s thing is just the usual MN holier-than-thou-ness.

(BTW I was a slim child and I'm a slim adult, despite all that snacking.)

Spot on.

If you remember being hungry, OP, that’s not normal.

Growing up in poverty meant there was no extra food and we felt lucky if we had three meals a day. I don't think those restrictions were unusual amongst poor families. Snacks just did not exist and we were all skinny.

What did your grandmother say at the time, OP? Was she underweight, overweight or of a healthy size? Feeding you cakes wasn't the best option but she clearly saw that you were hungry and too thin. It isn't healthy to be overweight, but being underweight can delay development in girls, was this the case with you?

If you were poor you might not have loads of (expensive) food. But jam on toast costs next to nothing. Same with porridge, weetabix etc. I wonder if these same parents smoked or drank or deprived themselves of food? It’s just a cover up for chaotic and / or uncaring parents imo.

@Jasminecandle I grew up around the same time, and my parents were skint. I wasn't underweight and I never went to bed hungry. Your parents obviously had weird ideas about food and I'm not surprised it's affected you as an adult.

i can’t really remember that well but I definitely had to ask for food as a child. Snacks were v limited in my house to healthy homemade bakes or plain crisps maybe once a week. This was primary school age. I was allowed one chocolate bar a week which my mum bought for me and I ate it after school on the assigned day!
Obviously I went to parties and activities where there was food so ate my fill(!). We’d also sometimes go to my mum’s friend who was a good baker.
There def wasn’t constant snacking, but at secondary school I got public transport to school and back and we’d all pile in to the newsagents to buy our post-school chocolate and then I’d devour fruit at home!!
There def wasn’t after dinner snacking like there is now, or constant eating during the day. I don’t remember being hungry, I often ate out of boredom,
I was v slim as a teen and since age 19 have never been more than a stone heavier. (Pregnancies aside).

I have a similar but opposite story where we had to eat at breakfast/ lunch and dinner regardless of whether we were hungry. We had big portions for each meal, half a loaf of buttered bread on the table and had to finish our plates because they hated waste and people were starving across the world. When we'd eat out, it would be 3 courses as it was a treat and then be so over-full it would be awful.

It has taken me decades to unlearn these behaviours. I'm still overweight but I'm losing it and would love to be a healthy weight once in my adult life.

It's not my parents fault either, it's their learned behaviours.

I remember being hungry a lot as a child, I never had breakfast (my choice) so it was 2 cheqp meals a day but, I didn't like it a lot of time (Vesta Curry or boil in bag chicken etc) so ate very little. Snacks weren't a thing and neither was drinking water!

OP you probably do have food hang ups but blaming your childhood isn't going to help you lose weight now, that is for you go control.

But that’s not odd really is it? If you get a sandwich out in a cafe then you would probably have the same amount of crisps…

And the chocolate bar lasting a week is also pretty normal.

I don’t think you can blame your parents because you are now overweight

I think some people feel you need to be very controlled about food. I have a couple of friends like that. Slim people, who have always been slim but they seem to eat in a very controlled fashion. Three light meals a day (small portions), no snacks. Very rarely my friend will have one rich tea biscuit as a snack. I used to live with one of these friends and I marvelled at how controlled she was. I really don't think she had an eating disorder but she frowned on gluttony. Sometimes she'd say she was hungry and I say "Well have some toast then" and she'd reply "But I've already had dinner! I don't want to be a pig". She was a healthy weight, not too skinny and very sporty so she must have been getting enough calories.
I know people who eat the way your parents eat - sharing a bag of crisps, making a chocolate bar last. I don't think it's unusual and I also don't think it's wrong unless they're actually underweight (are they?). People tend to overeat these days so it's quite refreshing to see people who eat in moderation.
You also say that even now you wouldn't help yourself to food in their house. I wouldn't help myself to food in my parents house either! If I'm hungry there I'd always ask if it's OK to have something.
However, if you were underfed and hungry as a child then that's obviously a bad thing and would explain you putting on weight when you left home.

OP, I really feel for you. Your parents sound horrible and if I were you I wouldn't visit them and certainly wouldn't stay in their home. Break away and forge a new, healthy identity for yourself.

Three meals a day growing up here too. We were often hungry. But being hungry isn't always a bad thing - nowadays we seem to think that the slightest feeling of discomfort is a sign to eat. There's a difference between starving and being hungry enough to eat the next meal.

Nowadays it all seems to be 'snack' this and 'snacking' that. Three meals a day managed to keep people on their feet before, moderate weight and this was when people were working more active jobs, so I think it's a little bit of us losing sight of what 'thin' actually is and how 'hungry' actually feels.

I’d rather have a full, interesting and healthy sandwich with a few crispy things for texture on the side. And I don’t tend to snack or eat puddings very often, but a couple of squares of dark chocolate keep the sweet urge in check. Generally sugar cravings are thirst for me.

I was also an 80s kid, similar age to the OP, and I was raised on three modest meals and no snacks. I was a slender kid and am a slender adult though. I do a lot of fitness and weight training now and as a kid I played a lot of sport, rode horses and went everywhere either by run or by my bike.

I also don’t give my kids snacks. 🫢 which has made me a massive outlier I’ve discovered. One friend’s kid doesn’t go anywhere without a backpack literally full of food. I can’t be arsed and I don’t think they need it.

This sounds very healthy to me, as long as fruit and veg aren’t treated in the same way with half portions, making the junk last is very wise. And fill up on fruit and whole grains.

Not giving snacks is fine, as long as their meals are substantial enough. Which mine definitely weren’t and it doesn’t sound like the OP’s were either.

I was lucky. When I was 12 I broke my arm and it was noted how underweight I was. A year later in Science everyone in the class was weighed and measured. My teacher flagged mine as a concern and I was referred via social services to a dietitian. My mum was vague about how much I was being fed (oh I don’t know, a normal
portion, a plateful yes, she’s just small, I was the same etc)but they said not to restrict my food and to add snacks and puddings so after that my breakfast and lunch were more substantial although evening meal was still tiny.

Grew up in 70 s / 80s. We had sweet and tuck shops for snacks and school dinners always had a pudding too.
I think kids are more sedentary these days and there’s more snack options, but I would not say it was ‘normal’ to just have x 3 meals a day and go to bed hungry for most children for any post war generation child in the uk.

We had 3 meals a day too and no snacks. Totally normal.

God, there are some shitty replies on here.

op, it sounds like you’ve been conditioned by the way your parents treated you. My niece and nephew had a similar experience and it’s really fucked up their eating patterns.
I would suggest the best approach would be to see a counsellor who specialises in eating disorders.

for those who say you’re an adult so you can do what you like, you are utterly deluded, we all have conditioning from growing up, however that manifests itself, we form patterns from an early age and they can dictate how we behave later in life,

op, you have my sympathy, it sounds really tough.

I’m an 80s child and was brought up the same way. If we asked for a snack we would be offered fruit and if we said no would be told well u can’t be that hungry then dinner is at x time.
When I left home and started to feed myself the weight went on because I ate what I wanted when I wanted, totally my fault. The world we live in now with constant snacking and everything revolving around food isn’t good and why so many people are overweight. It’s not my parents fault I’m overweight it’s mine and that’s why I have chosen to do something about it and been very successful. I’ve returned to the 3 healthy meals a day, snacking is fruit and I have a small snack for supper like a cereal bar and milk. Really when u look back I don’t think my parents were far wrong and should I have followed that when I moved out I wouldn’t be in this position now.

Times have changed and their attitudes have changed too and it’s evident in how they grandparent. They were both from very poor families and to them 3 meals a day would have been a luxury. It’s what they knew to do and when my child is an adult she will probably look back and criticise how I went about food as things will have moved on by then too.

What a strange comment (along with many others on this thread).
OP said she often felt hungry, had stomach paints, and almost fainted at school, and you tell her how lucky she was?
And what a shame that she didn’t continue with the same miserable regime as an adult?
Of course extra weight is not great, but it’s no wonder that such a joyless, restrictive approach to food can lead to an eating disorder.
I agree that one should have other interests apart from food, that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with enjoying food (in moderation).
I’ve been through phases of disordered eating myself - when I was restricting myself most was also the time when food was constantly on my mind.
It took me years to develop a healthy, relaxed attitude to food.
There is a middle ground between grim super restricted eating and constantly snacking/ being allowed to eat anything and everything.
I don’t think what OP’s parents did is something to be admired.