Realising how things weren’t normal for me growing up

[Jasminecandle]

I have a real issue with food now as an adult. I am overweight and I eat too much of the wrong things. I also use food as a comfort.

When growing up we weren’t allowed to help ourselves to food. I was so so skinny as a child and teenager and I don’t think it was particularly healthy.
My parents would feed us three meals a day, but usually quite small portions for me, even as a growing teen.
I remember being hungry in the evenings as we used to eat our dinner about 5/5:30pm. Of course I was growing, but I can’t even imagine helping myself to a piece of toast before bed. So when I became an adult and moved out, I was shocked that people I knew including partners would eat whenever they liked.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking … I bring my own food and keep it in the bedroom where I’m staying instead.

I even remember my Nan trying to feed me extra of her homemade cakes to put some meat on me as a teenager, but my mum would insist I only had 2 of these small homemade cakes, no more as I need to stay slim.

AIBU to believe my parents controlling attitude with food has lead to my issue with food and my weight as an adult?

3 meals a day without snacking in itself doesn’t sound terrible. I also think these days we’ve lost sight of what a normal weight is for a child. What people see as ‘super skinny’ these days is likely not actually underweight, it just looks unusual compared to the increasingly heavy kids we have today.

Having said that, I do think that growing up in a culture of food restriction with a view to achieving a certain appearance is really destructive. Diet culture causes all kinds of psychological issues around food. I expect it is that aspect of your upbringing that has caused the most damage, rather than the strict food schedule itself.

We didn't snack but we had plenty to eat at meal times rather than restricted portions like the op. I remember staying in France with a family in the 80s too and you wouldn't have wanted to snack due to the meals being so filling. Not the same as the op.

We didn't snack growing up either. We had 3 meals a day.
My brother is always in awe at school pick up these days at the amount of parents that are shoving a cereal bar or other snack in their kids hands before they've even left the school grounds.

i left school, went off to the stables and rode a couple of ponies then went home for dinner 6:30ish every eve for dinner. Snacking just wasnt a thing

Yanbu and I have similar issues myself. I remember stealing surreptitiously from the fridge eg half the sunday roast chicken wiuld be saved up to be used for a different meal and I would trim off as much as I could without it being noticed. Food was also used as the reward mechanism for good behaviour.

My mum still tries to ration my food when we visit e.g. only one small potato each and tiny portions but I take extra food now (I've managed to change my reaction from taking packets of crisps and chocolate biscuits to instead taking healthy, nutritious and satisfying foods so that I am eating healthily at a sensible volume of food)

Its psychologically damaging and sets you up to have a crap relationship with food as an adult but it's up to you what you do with this. Try having counselling to help you process your saved up resentment and pain and then work out how to stop letting that control your eating decisions now. Understanding the emotional aspect of eating is the first step but you don't have to let that history be the last word on your future health and wellbeing.

It's when a man gets the bigger portion because he is a man.

It made some sense when food was short and dad was working in a mine and the only person bringing money in, he needed to be able to work.

3 meals a day without snacking is not a problem and it's weird so many people have seized on this as the main point.

The main point is that the OP ROUTINELY WENT TO BED HUNGRY and that her parents WOULDN'T LET HER EAT MORE WHEN SHE WAS HUNGRY.

That is abusive. There is nothing in the OP's post to indicate that money was a real issue and that the food was not there to eat. Just that her mother thought "skinny" was more important than feeding her daughter the right amount of food.

Jeez Louise. So many disordered eaters on MN.

I think restricting food does lead to issues. My children have always had free rein to food, they have all grown up with an ability to eat a balanced diet and don't overeat with this such as chocolate, crisps and other foods.

I grew up in the 80s. I never went to bed hungry, we were always allowed something to eat before bed.

Exactly.

All of you brought up in the 60s, 70s. Do you remember 'supper' as in a light meal or more normally a warm milky drink like Ovaltine or hot chocolate?

Macaroni cheese springs to mind, it was in a book I read and I had no idea what it was but the children had it for supper.

We didn't have it on a regular basis but it was something lots of people did.

Heavily restricting food in childhood can lead to adults becoming overweight.

Constant snacking in childhood, never being allowed to feel hunger and being given food to keep you occupied can lead to adults becoming overweight.

Getting the balance right is so important, yet it's something parents are constantly failing at unfortunately.

Unsurprising as 63% of adults are overweight/obese themselves.

Supper was tea and a biscuit. We were usually in bed before Coronation Street when I was little, so that was probably without supper, as it wouldn't have been long after tea. I'm talking pre 1975 here. Supplies became more plentiful as the years went on, and access to them consequently more free.

My God some of the responses on here!

3 meals and no snacks, fairly normal. However the portion size is key.

My parents would serve 100g chicken, 5 new potatoes, 2 carrots and a handful of kale or broccoli between 4. That is not a normal or substantial portion. Bolognese was 125g mince, a can of tomatoes, half an onion, a grated carrot and 4 or 5 mushrooms plus 150g pasta. Again between 4.

Breakfast was one weetabix or one slice of toast. Lunch was a sandwich made with one slice of bread or 1/4 of a can of soup or beans with one slice of bread.

I was starving (and weighed 4 stone into my early teens). I was at least allowed a piece of fruit and 2 biscuits a day as well but if the op had similar tiny portions and no snacks I can imagine how hungry she must have been!

My dad used to eat lots of biscuits and buy a cooked lunch at work. My mum got most of her calories from wine.

My sister grew up with an eating disorder, I didn’t.

It’s not normal but I don’t think it was uncommon in that time.
Like other posters have said - my DM was obsessed with weight and appearance. It still goes on to this day, with her calling me ‘big’ at a size 10.

I have to say, I know of at least three of my DD’s friends at school who are slim and their mothers weigh out their foods. I saw this myself when visiting for play dates and it still happens now.

Oh. I do that. I’ll make sandwiches and split crisps with my H. And o have squares of dark Lindt after dinner.

Is that odd?!

Not read the whole thread but I have read OP's posts.
I noticed you said you were born late 80s early 90s which I think makes you about 30ish.
At that age I would strongly suggest not going home to visit your parents or taking a very deliberate break from them. There is surely no reason why you have to go home and stay in their guest room so dont do it. Especially don't do it if the act of having snacks for yourself in your bag in your guest room/bedroom sends you off into spirals of rumination about whether your parents are to blame for the fact you are now overweight. It is fine and ok to have your own food as snacks in your bag at the age of 30 something if that is what you want to do. If your mother is still criticising your weight at 30 she is out of order but you can absent yourself from that. You are not going to change their eating habits so you have to accept that is how they approached food and still do if you go and visit.
Food is one of those things isn't it? Like other pleasures in life whatever they might look like, when you get to 18 and leave home and notice what all the other kids have been doing you see where you "missed out" and everyone has something which they approach in an out of balanced way. Now you are in your 30s it is your job (and should feel empowering) to eat in a way which feels healthy for your own body and not in a way which is a reaction to how your parents approached food.

Nope. There was no supper, Sometimes we would have a drink of warm milk before bed, but only if there was enough left over for breakfast.
Food was limited to main meals. a pudding on sundays (when we visited my nan) and 10p pocket money of a friday for sweets.

My parents were brought up in a time of rationing and food poverty, so I,m pretty sure that affected their outlook on food.
We were relatively poor, so you ate what you were given or went hungry, Food was basic and most days consisted of some protein (often offal or cheap cuts of meat) a few veg (whatever was in season) and potatoes in one form or another.
If there were biscuits in the house, (rarely) you were rationed to 2 only after dinner and no more. Portion size was definitely controlled because of cost. My mum could afford a pack of 8 sausages, so my dad would get 3, her 2 and us kids 1 each. or 1 tin of corned beef was between all of us. It was definitely a cost issue. All meals were served with bread and butter and you were expected to fill up with that.
Being hungry before meals was normal.
Yes, it does affect you. As a grown-up I still view sweets and puddings as a treat so in that respect it has had an impact and it's a real struggle to moderate my portion sizes and avoid over indulging on unhealthy food.
I don't blame my parents though. They did what was normal to them for the time they lived in. As an adult I know my issues are mine to deal with, there is enough information out there on healthy eating, portion control, etc.

Oh I see! Never heard of that before. I do give DH a bigger meal because he had a bigger appetite and the difference in muscle mass in men means they burn it off faster than women - neither of us are overweight but I would be if I ate what he ate!

I think some people have no idea what 'small' portion size is, it doesn't mean average or reasonable, it means tiny. I once visited a house where they ate tiny portions and it was like a sparrow's dinner. I was so hungry afterward, and certainly would have been hungry all evening.

I was also brought up in the 70's and had three meals a day but my mum also made homemade biscuits or cake once a week, both me and my brother were normal weight and I only started putting on weight in perimenopause.

It was not normal to eat so little, indeed milk was provided at school to compensate children who didn't eat enough calories at home. You need a certain amount of calories and fat to grow, and those that don't get them do not grow as tall, that's why there's a height differential between socio-economic groups.

Making out that it was normal to go to bed hungry and eat one potato at a meal is gaslighting. People used to eat lots of food in the 70's, partly as people were more active and needed fuel, I often used to eat thick wholemeal bread, a few slices!

Overall, calories in are still important and especially during growth periods, I would be horrified if anyone on here was modelling this three meals/tiny portions/nothing after 5.30pm in case you get fat type eating, it would be neglectful as indeed it was then. I know a family that do this to their 17 year old boy and he's very underweight which you are if you don't have enough calories during growth periods, and I do consider this neglect.

You really don’t understand how this sort of damage can take years to become apparent and years to unpick.

i was fed much like the Op. underfed and undernourished due to my mother despising cooking and despite an active lifestyle I was almost always hungry. treats were sparing but when they did arrive there were huge amounts and that’s the time I felt ‘full’ and often these treats came after step father had been arrested and grandparents visited with the generosity and care they had. Treats = safety. That’s what I learned.

I NEVER got the chance to learn what healthy satiation was.

I NEVER got the chance to learn what a normal portion looked like because I never had one.

I started adult life 10 steps behind everyone else.

we had one piece of fruit a week because of that I wasted a lot of money making sure my child had what I did not.

Because it took a long time to learn what was normal and overcome some pretty damaging ‘programming’

So yes as an adult I could choose but I had to fight 16yrs of bad foundations and relearn the good kind. It’s not easy. I’m nearly 40. I’m still not healed.

Mentioning food or weight in AIBU is like chucking a raw steak into a pond full of piranhas. You will get extremely harsh and unhelpful treatment here.

There is an Eating Disorders board that you might find it helpful to start a fresh thread in.

Why do you think there wasn’t a diabetic epidemic when I was a child 🤷‍♀️
This condition is going to cripple the nhs.
But you carry on. The only problem being, there won’t be the nhs to help you.

@LonginesPrime we are all different then aren't we? My parents are dead now but up until their death a few years ago, I'd waltz in their house and opening the fridge to see if I fancied anything would be the first thing I did.

And if there was nothing in there I liked the look of, I'd let them know about it!

I was born in 1971 and we had 3 meals plus snacks plus I could have what I wanted when I wanted, within reason of course

So I don't identify with the OP but i do know that it's very clear that food isn't the only thing wrong with her relationship with them. They sound weird, controlled and judgemental

What you have been through OP isn't normal. It may well have been back in times where food was tightly rationed but you say this isn't the case here so other things are at play

Ignore the gaslighting weirdos on here,
Work to accepting that what they did wasn't normal, and just resolve to do differently by your own children. It's all anyone can do

We only had 3 meals a day, growing up too. But if I said I was hungry in the evening, my mum would make me toast. Sounds like your mum was a little controlling? I can't imagine not giving something to my kids, when they're still hungry. I offer yoghurt/toast/apple/weetabix to mine in the evenings. I don't want them to be hungry, but don't want them to gain fat. I wonder if growing up hungry, has made you naturally want to over eat as an adult, which is perfectly understandable. What about seeing a hypnotherapist, to help you stop over eating? I saw one for a phobia, and it really worked. I needed a few sessions, but I was completely cured.

.

It's not odd at all if like me, you've been told to watch your cholesterol.

But a lot of MNetters can't seem to think outside of weight, or performance under eating.