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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or was what I did childish?

116 replies

hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 11:23

So DH and I have recently split, PIL moved to another country a few months ago and they have never really had any involvement with the kids or offered childcare (I am aware they dont have to and thats their choice). They never ring the kids or anything so their only outlook to see them is through my facebook, I unfriended them. Not because I want to be horrible but because they have little to no impact on my life and now apparently they are p at me because they cant see regular updates on the kids. There are other ways to see them, facetime etc. I hate facebook, everything is so false, they comment on their birthdays how much they love them and I just think it is all for show, no 1 would know they didnt have any involvement in their life.

OP posts:
PanettonePudding · 04/02/2024 17:19

Corondel · 04/02/2024 11:33

Childish and passive-aggressive, and likely to have a negative pact on your children’s relationship with their grandparents.

What tosh.

Globules · 04/02/2024 17:20

Agree with PP.

You haven't been childish at all. They're no longer your family. It's up to their son to update them on their grandchildren.

If FB is the only way they knew about their GCs lives, then that's on them too.

changedusernameforthis1 · 04/02/2024 17:21

I did the same thing. My in-laws never bothered with the kids (they last saw them when youngest was 8 months and she's now 5 years) and never even called them or sent a card, presents at Christmas or their birthdays. But on FB they loved them so much, missed them so much, aren't they beautiful etc etc.
DW had a huge falling out with them over it amd eventually we just blocked them.
All of a sudden we were keeping them from having a relationship with their GC and breaking their hearts 🙄
We put so much effort into them but it was never given back.

Xmastime2023 · 04/02/2024 17:26

If ex said that so me my response would be a shrug and no more.

I don’t share my DC on sm and it’s quite sad how little their GP/other family members know about them, but I can imagine the fake gushing if I did put them on there.

Cesarina · 04/02/2024 17:27

hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 11:28

I do feel really childish for what I did and now I cant undo it.

@hasbeen91
Stop beating yourself up. I don't think it was childish. Ok, maybe your action itself was a little bit of a "throwing your toys out of the pram" reaction, but I think the sentiment behind it was and is entirely reasonable!

Jl2014 · 04/02/2024 17:28

Totally normal to want a bit of privacy from them and not having them snoop through your social media. If they were otherwise interacting with you it might be different. But even so. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have ex ILs on social media. Too much scope for offence and fall outs

mponder · 04/02/2024 17:30

I don't blame you.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 04/02/2024 18:14

Comedycook · 04/02/2024 11:30

They don't sound like great involved grandparents at all but I actually think unfriending them is really passive aggressive. You shouldn't have done it. You may not be with their son anymore but you are still linked to them.

Not unless she chooses to be. Getting rid of the toxic in-laws can be a massively beneficial side-effect of divorce.

GabriellaMontez · 04/02/2024 18:21

hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 11:59

Exdh told me yesterday when he dropped kids off.

This is childish and passive aggressive.

Time he took responsibility for the relationship between his children and his parents.

Are the GP really pissed off with you??

I think it's more likely that they're pissed off with him. I bet they asked him why he doesn't keep in touch.

I suspect he's had a telling off and is now trying to guilt you into doing that for him.

diddl · 04/02/2024 18:36

If I'd ever divorced the highlight would have been having nothing to do with the ILs any more!

Alwaysalwayscold · 04/02/2024 18:50

Corondel · 04/02/2024 11:33

Childish and passive-aggressive, and likely to have a negative pact on your children’s relationship with their grandparents.

What relationship?

godmum56 · 04/02/2024 18:54

LonginesPrime · 04/02/2024 15:31

Surely it's up to you who you interact with on your own social media accounts?

When DC are older, they can always connect directly if they want to, but there's no obligation for you to have to post on social media for their benefit or to permit them to watch your every move online.

This. Your facebook, your choice. Its neither petty nor childish to make those choices

defiant2024 · 04/02/2024 18:54

You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Jadeleigh196 · 04/02/2024 18:55

@Corondel Did you miss the bit where she said the Grandparents DO NOT have a relationship with the kids?

Golden407 · 04/02/2024 18:55

hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 11:57

Surely it is not down to me, I would never ever stand in their way of seeing the kids. I would literally love the break. Their dad can see them whenever he wants and I see it as a welcomed break, I am not using the kids against them but it is my life.

I don't see a problem with unfriending them, you just need to bear in mind this may well be the end of any "contact" at all with your children's grandparents. It may feel satisfying now, but ultimately what has it achieved?

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 04/02/2024 18:56

They are your kids grandparents, you shouldn't 'unfriend' them.

Americano75 · 04/02/2024 18:56

Not at all childish, and I bet your ex was the one who was actually pissed off now he's got to keep his own parents in the loop about his childrens' lives. Boo hoo.

Dentistlakes · 04/02/2024 19:03

Things have changed and you are no longer part of their family. Their son is perfectly capable of keeping them updated. I wouldn’t give it any more thought op.

DreamTheMoors · 04/02/2024 19:07

Comedycook · 04/02/2024 11:30

They don't sound like great involved grandparents at all but I actually think unfriending them is really passive aggressive. You shouldn't have done it. You may not be with their son anymore but you are still linked to them.

I don’t use Facebook any more, but the one thing I hated was that “friends” could see everything on my page.
You haven’t been passive aggressive at all. You’ve just eliminated two people from snooping around where they don’t belong.
Updating the grandparents is sonny boy’s job now and he can very well suck it up.

Olika · 04/02/2024 19:09

Your ex can keep them updated as he is their son. I don't know why it should be your responsibility the first place.

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 04/02/2024 19:11

I don't see a problem with unfriending them, you just need to bear in mind this may well be the end of any "contact" at all with your children's grandparents. It may feel satisfying now, but ultimately what has it achieved?

At what point is a woman allowed to say that she finds something so stressful, that she is not taking responsibility for it any more, when there are 3 people who are perfectly able to take that responsibility for themselves?

I felt some guilt - I could certainly add "keep up contact with ex's mum" to my todo list, along with keeping up the contact with my own parents (who do bother to visit), doing 98% of the childcare, working full time and maintaining my house (both day to day, and the fabric of the building), and having the tiniest sliver of social life (which also provides the safety net my ex doesn't bother to if something comes up and I need someone to look after the kids for the afternoon), sure, what's yet another thing on my already over-flowing plate.

I mean, it's just sensible, I'm the one that spends all the time with the kids and does everything for them, why would her own son know what they want for Christmas anyway?

Or I could say that an adult family member is responsible for their own relationship with my kids, and if I have to coerce it, then clearly they don't actually want it.

PralinesandCream · 04/02/2024 19:14

I honestly don’t see the problem. It’s your facebook about events in your life, you don’t have to involve your ex-PIL if you don’t want to. If they want a relationship with your children, then they could facetime etc. You’re allowed to shield your own life from them now and its up to your ex to keep his parents in the loop.

ThereIbledit · 04/02/2024 19:18

Not childish. Petty and childish of him to have told you? Yeah probably.

You don't have a relationship with them any more. they don't deserve a place on your Facebook. As and when your kids are old enough and go on Facebook themselves and if they have actually maintained any IRL relationship with them, maybe they get to join the kids' Facebook friends then. If they want bragging rights with their grandkids, they can either do it via their own damn son or, you know, actually put in the work that is necessary for bragging rights in the real world.

kiwiandcherries · 04/02/2024 19:25

sprigatito · 04/02/2024 11:33

It's not childish at all. Why would you want your ex's parents as friends when you have no relationship with them? Removing them seems like a healthy boundary to me. It's their son's responsibility to facilitate their relationship with the children. Not yours.

Completely agree. Not childish but an understandable action due to not being with their son anymore! Their relationship with their grandchildren will be facilitated through your ex now.

OpalOrchid · 04/02/2024 19:34

They live in another country? How can they babysit or see the kids regularly?

You are childish and passive aggressive. You might not be part of the family any more but your children are and always will be.