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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or was what I did childish?

116 replies

hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 11:23

So DH and I have recently split, PIL moved to another country a few months ago and they have never really had any involvement with the kids or offered childcare (I am aware they dont have to and thats their choice). They never ring the kids or anything so their only outlook to see them is through my facebook, I unfriended them. Not because I want to be horrible but because they have little to no impact on my life and now apparently they are p at me because they cant see regular updates on the kids. There are other ways to see them, facetime etc. I hate facebook, everything is so false, they comment on their birthdays how much they love them and I just think it is all for show, no 1 would know they didnt have any involvement in their life.

OP posts:
JMSA · 04/02/2024 11:47

YANBU. At all.

JMSA · 04/02/2024 11:48

Corondel · 04/02/2024 11:33

Childish and passive-aggressive, and likely to have a negative pact on your children’s relationship with their grandparents.

There is no fucking relationship, and that is down to them!

ACynicalDad · 04/02/2024 11:49

What happens if you start mentioning a new partner there and bills a different life, do you really want them to see it? I think it’s a perfectly normal thing to do. Their son can share with them.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 04/02/2024 11:50

Of course you weren't childish. Your Facebook is for your friends and people you wish to have in your lives. When your children have Facebook or whatever social media platform then the grandparents can reach out of them.

Can anyone who thinks OP is childish explain why OP should be friends with people she is in fact not friends with?

Original poster
hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 11:55

it started getting to a point where I was posting things just so they would see as they wouldnt see it any other way. I feel like just deleting it to be honest as I cant understand why it would cause a problem. They post really soppy posts on each others birthdays and things and its a very big deal to them, I cant understand why you cant message those things, why does the world need to see?

OP posts:
Original poster
hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 11:57

Surely it is not down to me, I would never ever stand in their way of seeing the kids. I would literally love the break. Their dad can see them whenever he wants and I see it as a welcomed break, I am not using the kids against them but it is my life.

OP posts:
user1471522343 · 04/02/2024 11:58

How do you even know they’re pissed off if you’re not in contact with them?
Is someone shit-stirring in the background?

It probably was a bit childish but if you’re not preventing them from forging a relationship with their grandchildren the ball is now in their (and their sons’) court.

Mamaraisedadoughut · 04/02/2024 11:59

" Hi Inlaws,
I understand that you are upset that I unfriended you on Facebook, I just wanted to explain that as I and ex are no longer together I have culled a lot of my friends list. Please appreciate that I am trying to move on from that chapter in my life, and I would like to be able to do so without Ex being able to keep tabs on my life and further than his access to our children.
Not being able to see updates on Facebook from me, shouldn't hamper your relationship with them, as ex is able to have as much access to the children as he wishes and is able to pass on pictures and updates on their lives from his involvement with them... I am also hoping that he will take some of his time with them to bring them to visit you both.
I'm sorry that you feel hurt, but I really need to concentrate on moving forward at the moment.
I hope you understand"

Original poster
hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 11:59

Exdh told me yesterday when he dropped kids off.

OP posts:
user1471522343 · 04/02/2024 12:01

Yes. Shit-stirring.
if they are pissed off but can’t actually be bothered to even tell you that themselves - and try to find a work around for seeing photos- it really tells you all you need to know about the effort they’re prepared to put in.

DNLove · 04/02/2024 12:02

I think you are totally in the right.
They were your in-laws and they aren't anymore. It is up to their son to update them on the kids. Or like you say they can ring and talk to kids like normal grandparents. Or message and ask for some pictures. Also you have no control over your kids photos once you put them on social media. I wouldn't put them up either way.

titchy · 04/02/2024 12:02

Corondel · 04/02/2024 11:33

Childish and passive-aggressive, and likely to have a negative pact on your children’s relationship with their grandparents.

And the responsibility for facilitating that relationship is 100% OP's? Neither the in-laws nor their father have any sort of responsibility here, it's all up to OP?

Original poster
hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 12:07

I was also fed up of relaying to the kids what they have said, if they won a medal for instance, they would message me and say Well done, what am I supposed to do with that?

OP posts:
Mamaraisedadoughut · 04/02/2024 12:11

hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 12:07

I was also fed up of relaying to the kids what they have said, if they won a medal for instance, they would message me and say Well done, what am I supposed to do with that?

This is regarded as "wife" work, and it's an annoyance of a lot of women on here that women are the ones that assume the responsibility for their husbands parents relationship with their kids during marriage, so now you've split up its even more understandable you aren't willing to facilitate.

Dad needs to take on that responsibility.

He can contact his parents, he can reply to his parents comments on his posts.

If the shoe were on the other foot, how much would he facilitate a relationship between your parents and the kids?

TheSlantedOwl · 04/02/2024 12:13

It’s your ex’s responsibility to update them. You weren’t childish in the slightest.

The posters who are berating you must think men have no need to take any responsibility with their own parents/own kids.

If you disconnecting on Facebook forces the GPs and your ex to confront their own deficits then it’s a learning experience for them.

pikkumyy77 · 04/02/2024 12:15

You did the right thing. You deserve privacy and the job of fostering a relationship with them belings to your ex.

CunkEverywhereOnEverything · 04/02/2024 12:20

Not childish at all. If you were really close to them before the split and remained so after and then removed them as a big fuck you that would be one thing but you’re not close to them, they don’t make the effort by the sounds of it and now it’s their son’s responsibility to keep the relationship between his parents and the children going.

user1471522343 · 04/02/2024 12:26

My (maybe incorrect) assumption is that it’s in your kids best interests to have a healthy and warm relationship with their grandparents and so on this basis I would want to facilitate that relationship as far as possible.

yes it does mean you may be enabling some lazy grandparents but if it’s good for your kids then that’s the reason for doing it.

I don’t use facebook, never have, so don’t really understand how it work tbh, but if it leaving them on your Facebook account was the least time consuming option for you to allow this sharing of fairly simple information,
and if you now have to find another way to share it (by email or whatever)

then you may have cut off your nose to spite your face.

On the other hand if leaving them on your Facebook account allows them access into other areas of your private life then I would have done the same thing.

Yes it is up to your husband now and it sounds to me that by letting you know they were pissed off he was hoping that you would continue to do all the leg work of keeping them in touch. (No idea if this was a feature of your relationship with him). But don’t not do something because it helps them ( ex and grandparents) if it is going to help your kids.

what is the priority here?

Original poster
hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 12:27

user1471522343 · 04/02/2024 12:26

My (maybe incorrect) assumption is that it’s in your kids best interests to have a healthy and warm relationship with their grandparents and so on this basis I would want to facilitate that relationship as far as possible.

yes it does mean you may be enabling some lazy grandparents but if it’s good for your kids then that’s the reason for doing it.

I don’t use facebook, never have, so don’t really understand how it work tbh, but if it leaving them on your Facebook account was the least time consuming option for you to allow this sharing of fairly simple information,
and if you now have to find another way to share it (by email or whatever)

then you may have cut off your nose to spite your face.

On the other hand if leaving them on your Facebook account allows them access into other areas of your private life then I would have done the same thing.

Yes it is up to your husband now and it sounds to me that by letting you know they were pissed off he was hoping that you would continue to do all the leg work of keeping them in touch. (No idea if this was a feature of your relationship with him). But don’t not do something because it helps them ( ex and grandparents) if it is going to help your kids.

what is the priority here?

I massively disagree sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
hasbeen91 · 04/02/2024 12:28

it literally changes nothing for the kids, it only benefits them

OP posts:
user1471522343 · 04/02/2024 12:29

Ok. No apologies required. I thought you were looking for opinions.

Moier · 04/02/2024 12:29

Up to their Dad not you.
I agree with you.

Mnetcurious · 04/02/2024 12:30

Absolutely YANBU. Why should they be able to have a nosey at your life? It’s not your responsibility to keep your EX-pil updated on the children, that’s their son’s job. The exception might be if they still treated you as a dil who they love and care for, regularly kept in touch etc. but that’s not the case.

Scarletttulips · 04/02/2024 12:40

I’ve never posted my children on FB - I respect their privacy. GP should do the same.

You did the right thing, they have your number if they wish to contact you or the children.

They lost their ability to brag? Boo Hoo.

SKG231 · 04/02/2024 12:45

It’s not your job to update them on your children. When you’re with their son or not. Why is it that all plans are left to the wife to make, all presents to be arranged by the wife, communication etc.

he is their son, it is up to him to communicate with his parents.