Or was what I did childish?

[hasbeen91]

So DH and I have recently split, PIL moved to another country a few months ago and they have never really had any involvement with the kids or offered childcare (I am aware they dont have to and thats their choice). They never ring the kids or anything so their only outlook to see them is through my facebook, I unfriended them. Not because I want to be horrible but because they have little to no impact on my life and now apparently they are p at me because they cant see regular updates on the kids. There are other ways to see them, facetime etc. I hate facebook, everything is so false, they comment on their birthdays how much they love them and I just think it is all for show, no 1 would know they didnt have any involvement in their life.

If you hate FB why do you keep updating with photos of your kids?

You should respect their privacy anyway, they did not consent.

as I said for PIL to see them or else they wouldnt

This sounds like wifework tbh.

Their son is responsible for updating them on his DC. You aren’t doing it any more.

Its on their son to keep them up to date and support any sort of relationship with his children. I'd not raise it again but if ex does say you need your own privacy. They and the ex are being idiots here. It's Facebook its no basis for a relationship.

Everyone who post photos of their kids should watch this commercial.

No I personally don't think blocking is childish. As you said they have no interest in real life about children, they don't call or babysit. Why should they be pissed because they want to see updates and put fake comments. If they want updates they cal phone or other means.

They relied on your f.b updates to see what's going on with their grandchildren. I would say, I'm taking a break from social media. But you're welcome to facetime/call the grandchildren. Your ex can take photos and post on his f.b?

But surely they don't know whether they've been blocked or whether you've just done as thousands of people have been doing lately and deinstalled Facebook? They can't 'insist' that you keep Facebook (if you wanted to get rid of it) just to facilitate them looking at pictures of their GC.

What relationship? According to the OP they have made no effort to have one.
This will make precisely zero difference to that.

Honestly, I did the same too.

At first, I made the effort to visit ex-MIL, took the kids over (she also lives in a different country to me), responded to her requests for present ideas for the kids etc. Kept it pleasant.

Then I found out she'd visited our country, but hadn't bothered to tell me or my eldest (my youngest mentioned she was here when he went to see his dad one weekend - my eldest was away at the time), and that made me both angry and disappointed in her behaviour as my eldest loves her, and would have loved to see her (and I would have found a way to make it happen). So now she's blocked. Fuck that. No-one that thoughtless gets to take advantage of my generally good nature.

YANBU. You did right to remove them from your social media to allow you privacy.
DH can update PIL and pass on the Well Done’s .
His circus his monkeys now.
He should not have passed on their displeasure. Nothing to do with you now.

Absolutely not unreasonable. As has been said they can get updates and pics from their son! I've been on Facebook for about 15-16 years, but I'm actually getting sick of it. I've got 75 'friends' on there - and there is only about 18 or 20 of them that I actually care about/have contact with much in real life.

There's a few ex work colleagues, and neighbours from my village, and old penpals, and folk I used to have in my life - (old neighbours from where I used to live, and old schoolmates etc,) who are constantly posting pictures of themselves and their 'adorable' husband and absolutely adorable perfect children ... Like 10 photographs a week of them and 'hubz' some weeks, and about 30 photographs a week of their children sometimes ... (THEY HAVEN'T CHANGED SINCE YESTERDAY!) and then they get a little bit snarky and funny and a bit 'confused' if someone doesn't like every single one.

Then you've got the 'brag about everything' ones, like an old school mate of mine who goes to 3 or 4 different countries each year - and NZ and Aus every other year as she has a son there. Cue 100s of photos for WEEKS of her NZ/AUS trip and pics of her amazing son and PERFECT grandchildren... with the tagline 'don't be jealous of my life. Oh go on then DO!' 😆

I have another 3 or 4 people who go on and on and ON about how fucking amazing their grandchildren are, and actually one said she loves them more than her actual children. Make of that what you will! Photos of said grandchildren are posted every single DAY!

Then there are a couple of old friends (who are sisters,) who have 5 and 6 children each, and 18-20 grandchildren, (between them,) and about 12 great grandchildren (between them.) On at least 3 or 4 days of any given week, they post to celebrate a birthday of one of these 40-odd children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, OR one of the many partners of the children and grandchildren - about 30 partners! (Great grands have no kids yet, still too young!) OR they post about an anniversary of one of the couples... Again, about 30 couples, so 30 anniversaries. You feel like you have to LIKE every single post, in case they are offended. And it gets exhausting!

Then there are about another 15 or 20 people who never ever ever acknowledge anything at all. Not one single photograph or any single post or anything.

Then you've got people who just post to slag people off and Facebook shame people - and as people have said - lots of people create a false narrative of this perfect life. 'Oh, what a wonderful man my man is!' And you know he's shagging the office clerk behind her back. It's embarrassing and it's cringe worthy.

I can't delete my Facebook cause I've got 15 or 16 years of memories and photographs on there. But I have put a post on it at the moment (using it as my cover photo) saying 'I'm off Facebook for the time being and am having a break from it... ' so I don't have to engage with people on there. I can engage with the 18 or 20 people closest to me - a few neighbours friends colleagues and close family - in real life. I don't need to brag or say how fucking wonderful my life is and how perfect my children are and how my relationship with my husband is soooooo superb and amazing and brilliant, on Facebook every fucking day.

.

Then not having to do that is a perk of getting divorced.

You have separated from your husband and his family, it’s perfectly normal not to want people connected to something you’re trying to move on from on your social media.

If the in laws want to know about their grandkids, they can ask. If they expect the responsibility to be on the parent to facilitate contact with the grandparents, they should have told their son.

When I split from ex DP I unfriended all of his family on Facebook because I didn't feel it appropriate for them to be on my private page any more. Ex DP's parents are lovely, we still get on, they look after DD a lot but I didn't want the aggravation or worry about what I posted. I take a lot more pics than ex DP but send them all to him so he can share with his family.

I think it was petty of you to do this. At the same time, I can understand why you wanted to be petty. You yourself have acknowledged yourself that you think it was childish.

When people separate, they don’t always behave well. Hurt makes people become petty and a bit bitter and try to hit-back. It’s hard to rise above it and do the bigger thing. It’s hard to think about the others involved such as the GP and very easy to just become Nyerere in the impact on ourselves.

OP, I think you’re right that it was a bit petty. Of course you were entitled to do it and yes, your ex should be updating his parents on the GC and yes, they should be maintaining better contact with the GC. But these things aren’t happening and two wrongs, don’t make a right.

You say that you’ve done it now and can’t undo it. I’m not sure that’s the case. If you really wanted to, you could reach out to them and say you’ve re-thought it and would like to maintain contact via Facebook. If you wanted you could also say the children would be glad to hear more from them. Your action doesn’t have to be the final word on this.

Probably your DC will benefit from contact with the GP and any actions you can take to keep them updated about what’s going on will probably aid that relationship into the future. It might pain you to think the GP tell the world they are invovled via a few off comments on FB, but in the end, you’re not responsible for their poor choices and only your own. And in this hard time when people are not always nice to each other and relationships are strained, being the bigger generous person won’t be the wrong thing.

It's not childish. Why should they have a window on to your life when they don't actually appear interested in your life? If they want to see pics of the kids they should have had the courtesy to take a bit more interest in you.

Not unreasonable, I stopped using fb and putting anything to do with my children on there for this exact reason.

If you want to be in their lives and know them, make the effort, its that simple.

Good for you!

It's not childish. You have a perfect right to decide who has access to your social media and it must be annoying to you if they are responding to photos etc., to imply they are doting GPs.

Yes, your ex should now take responsibility for maintaining the relationship between them, but could you send them photos by email or WhatsApp? They can still be updated, without the ability to gatecrash your space.

Whilst you don't have to, they are the GPs and it would be nice to keep lines of communication open.

Surely it's up to you who you interact with on your own social media accounts?

When DC are older, they can always connect directly if they want to, but there's no obligation for you to have to post on social media for their benefit or to permit them to watch your every move online.

YANBU at all. They're not your family; why would you allow them access to your private life? They have a son. It's his job to help facilitate his children's relationship with their grandparents by encouraging calls/letters/postcards, sending photos to his parents etc. You don't need to continue the 'wife work' when you're not the wife anymore!

How much does he facilitate the relationship between your parents and the DC? It's exactly the same thing.
It's on him to keep his own parents updated on his DC, not you

Write to them along the lines of "So glad to hear you want to be part of the DC's lives now. You're absolutely free to contact them, they'd love to hear from you, their contact details are .... When can I expect you to come to visit them and take them out?"

Possibly a bit petty, but actually, I think it's perfectly reasonable. Putting aside the children for a second - why would you want your in laws so involved in YOUR life. what happens when you post about a ne job or a new relationship or a new house?

The good news is that you haven't heard from them directly - becuase they don't actually engage with you. So I'd just continue to ignore it. If your ex is unhappy about it, he can choose to send photos to his parents. If his parents want to talk to you, they can pick up a phone.