To mums with teens ... have you ever been tempted to walk out?

[teengirlmum]

I've name-changed for this, as I have flaming fear!
I have 3 daughters who live at home; one is in her early 20s and she's a dream. The younger two are 14 and 17, and they are trickier.
I'm in my late 40s, I'm a single mum and I work full-time.
I am struggling with the younger two; I do my best to be a hugely loving, supportive and kind parent. However they're selfish and I really don't get much back. I've tried talking to them about my feelings, but nothing changes.
What I wouldn't give for a hug, uninitiated by me! For one of them to suggest that we watch a film together. Or the offer of a cup of tea.
I'm fucking sad, weary, sick and tired of it all.
I have a fantasy. I fuck off for a few days and leave them to it. Let their bloody father cope with them for a bit (the one my 14 year old threatens to go live with, whenever I call her out on anything).
Has anyone ever done this? I know I won't, as I care too much as don't want to traumatise them, but the thought of them waking up to the situation we're in fills me with a certain albeit morbid sense of glee.
Knowing my luck though, it would have the opposite effect!
AIBU?

Not misogyny to say teen girls are difficult, no.

Misogyny to say they’re categorically worse.

Bad behaviour in my school is much, much more likely to be perpetrated by boys. And the boys give the girls a hard time in a way the girls could never do to the boys.

@GreenAppleCrumble

I do understand your point. And there's another thing; my 17 year old has just this minute found out that her boyfriend, with whom she split 2 weeks ago, was seeing someone else while they were together. He was her first love and she's devastated
Bad behaviour aside, I believe with all my heart that the male of the species is more likely to cheat.
But I suppose that's a whole new argument!

Hang in there. My second boy was a nightmare teen. Pushed every one of my buttons and made me miserable for about 5 years. Married now in mid 30s and we can’t get rid of him. Loves being with us, so thoughtful, kind and respectful. I couldn’t wish for a better relationship. And I think we all know it’s because we never gave up, put in boundaries because we loved him and gave him endless second chances.

It’s tough but one day they will ‘get it’.

Could you have a weekend away with a friend, just to give you a break? Or go and stay with a friend?

I’ve done this a couple of times!

It's like living with the worst lodgers that you're powerless to get rid of!

Thank you @StandardLFinegan - your post actually brought tears to my eyes.

It's hard for me to even get out the house to go grocery shopping with how bad DD has been recently but I have been thinking about doing some of the YouTube yoga videos at home just as something for me. It's not the same as getting out I know but hopefully I will manage a class in a gym/studio at some point. DH bought me a voucher for a full body massage for Christmas so I need to see if I can get booked in when he has a (rare) day off. And hopefully I can actually relax during it.

Honestly - I'd be trying to have fun, holiday sounds good or start dating (not for a serious relationship, just for fun)? see their faces when you come in late, or better still say you're staying out! My dc stopped taking me for granted, especially when they spotted me in town (my two were 18+ at this point making it easier).

My DD (18) started university in the autumn and I noticed a huge difference in how much she appreciates me when she came home over Christmas. She actually said that she realizes how lucky she is to have parents like us and that my cooking is pretty good. 🤣

I have, sometimes, on the way home from work, fantasised about just carrying on driving past the motorway junction I need and only stopping when I am about to run out of petrol and stop at the nearest cafe and then get a job there waitressing (job comes with accommodation)
I am sure that that's a film plot!

It makes me that my DD (18) wants children eventually but not girls!

Your posts are fantastic and spot on.

I’ve observed two key things related to this in my years of working with teenagers and young adults. The first is that girls tend to behave and hold it together when out in the world and save their emotional venting and outbursts for home, where they feel safest and less judged. Boys tend to have their emotional outbursts and misbehaviour out of the house, at school or with friends, and hold it together while at home. The boys are also more likely to express a desire to fool their parents in this particular area (“they think I’m like this, but they don’t know what I’m like with my mates/out of the house”). They know that their parents tend to give them more freedom out of the house if they behave well within it.

Mothers also tend to be more permissive with their sons and have lower expectations of them while expecting more from daughters and also picking them up on things more often. For example, a son sighing in exasperation when asked to do something may be ignored, but a daughter doing it is picked up on it for being disrespectful and a conflict occurs. Girls often say they feel criticized at home and become very prickly, ready to be angry and defensive at the drop of the hat. Interestingly, I’ve had quite a few boys acknowledge this difference. Those with sisters close in age to them say that their mothers let them get away with things that they will jump on their sisters for. I’m sure they don’t do it consciously; I think it’s just due to women being socialised to tolerate crap from men, and this subconsciously extending to sons.

It is absolutely fair to say that teenagers are awful each in their own unique way though.

We are just leaving the teenage years in this house. If I were you, I would stop being so available, and supportive and nice. Start being an arsehole. Don't wash their favourite outfit, don't get their favourite snacks in, cook dinners you prefer. It works both ways.

I hope you can build up step by step, even if it’s just five minutes at a time, so that you can get outside and leave your dd for just a little while and get some well deserved “me time” BlooBagoo. Also that you can benefit from that massage soon! (What a thoughtful present from your dh! 😀)

<Incidentally have you thought about an emotional support animal for your dd? It’s an expensive and time consuming option and not for everyone but I have seen a friend’s teen gain great confidence through having, and being responsible for, a small dog. Even a couple of guinea pigs or fish can sometimes help>

I did marry a good one. He puts up with so much from both DDs and I'm at least glad they have him as a father figure when their bio dad obviously couldn't give a crap.

We actually already have dogs and one in particular has been like an unofficial emotional support dog for DD. If she's having a bad day I've encouraged her to cuddle the dog and it really helps her. We have had small pets like fish, hamsters and gerbils before but they just don't live long enough so it upset her every time we lost one and we've not wanted to have another since we lost the last one. We don't have any space for anything like guinea pigs or rabbits unfortunately. But we've always been a dog-filled household at least.

That’s great about your dh BlooBagoo and dogs always make things slightly better don’t they? 😀

How did your weekend go op?