To mums with teens ... have you ever been tempted to walk out?

[teengirlmum]

I've name-changed for this, as I have flaming fear!
I have 3 daughters who live at home; one is in her early 20s and she's a dream. The younger two are 14 and 17, and they are trickier.
I'm in my late 40s, I'm a single mum and I work full-time.
I am struggling with the younger two; I do my best to be a hugely loving, supportive and kind parent. However they're selfish and I really don't get much back. I've tried talking to them about my feelings, but nothing changes.
What I wouldn't give for a hug, uninitiated by me! For one of them to suggest that we watch a film together. Or the offer of a cup of tea.
I'm fucking sad, weary, sick and tired of it all.
I have a fantasy. I fuck off for a few days and leave them to it. Let their bloody father cope with them for a bit (the one my 14 year old threatens to go live with, whenever I call her out on anything).
Has anyone ever done this? I know I won't, as I care too much as don't want to traumatise them, but the thought of them waking up to the situation we're in fills me with a certain albeit morbid sense of glee.
Knowing my luck though, it would have the opposite effect!
AIBU?

My 2 DS's went through a period of arguing about anything and everything when youngest was 14 and eldest was almost 22. I used to say I was going to my bedroom to read my book and they could let me know when they'd finish arguing. I put headphones on. It's odd but these arguments went on about 10 months then seemed to just stop. They are the best of friends now as adult DS's.

I have three children - 3, 13 and 16. Obviously I'm nuts because who would have a toddler and teenagers at the same time?!! But the 3 yo is the easiest! 😆

Iv walked out the door and had a walk around the block before and Iv got a dh for back up

One of mine was just awful. I am too embarrassed to detail how bad it was. I was cheered when a colleague had to mute a teams call to mute his daughter screaming abuse at him.

I’m dreading the teenage years!

I have 2 teens, not a single mum but have a travelling DH and mine are utter twats sometimes.

My eldest 19 went out with mates the other night came back at 3am, crashing banging woke me up, woke the dogs up, cue me up wide awake at 4am and a busy work day. No apologies.

And now I'm in bed coughing my guts up tickle cough I can't shake and he messaged me saying I'm keeping him awake with my coughing.

I'm away next weekend and literally can't wait to get away from the selfish buggers as I raised them and they were lovely considerate kids.

Why don't you go away for a week for some R&R, sounds like you need and deserve it! I hope things improve for you soon

Mine invited me to fuck off the other night because I asked him to put his piles of clean and ironed washing away😬

Mild compared to some anecdotes of truly terrifying teen behaviour and he’s not a bad fella overall but it’s like he does suddenly seem to want to have a fight about everything, he and his father can’t go any length of time together without conflict. It’s like he’s permanently three seconds away from saying something that REALLY should have stayed in his head. Constantly muttering and over-reacting. Like his mouth and his mind now have a high-speed flume connecting them and whatever comes into his head comes flying out waving hello with no thought of consequences.

He’s intelligent and able and has always been praised for his manners outside the home but has recently said a couple of things to teachers that made me die for him, because while not abusive and arguably accurate, his comments did him no favours and he is ultimately just shooting himself in the foot. Can’t choose his battles right now. I don’t remember being like this. His dad and I are both quite people pleasery and don’t really go in for conflict, truth be told he slightly reminds me of my oldest brother. I hope this is a phase and isn’t who he is going to be as a man because I worry life will be hard for him, as it has sometimes been for DB.

Younger DCs not quite at this stage, genuinely quite worried about having multiple teens, both girls and boys, this blessed peacemaker may yet have to nip out for a loaf and join the merchant navy. So I sympathise, OP, but have no helpful advice whatsoever.

Sympathy op. Maybe I'm missing something but whilst I can understand how storming out and disappearing for said hotel break could be upsetting, I'm really not seeing how a planned one could be a traumatising for them.
Sounds like a much needed break to me and might make them realise your presence is a good thing and more in hope than expectation potentially take you for granted less.

My 17yo came to the shops with me today to buy her things and walked behind me. Barely spoke a word to me but when I could see her was rolling her eyes. It was a delightful experience.
She and her sister laugh about me and take the Mickey to the point where I could just cry.
I did walk out a few months ago - I was so cross. I went to the cinema and for a pizza alone and left them to it. Awful.

^ Definitely do this^. They are taking you for granted and it’s incredibly draining. You absolutely need to give yourself a break and your teens will benefit long term. We need the patience of saints to parent them properly and I admire you for parenting three at once!

Every time they get a bit big for their boots I take it as a sign that they need more responsibility; especially the ones that want to argue the hind leg off a donkey. I think they do that when they need more challenges in their life.

Mine invited me to fuck off the other night because I asked him to put his piles of clean and ironed washing away

Dartsofcupid I hope you took that as a sign that he is ready to look after all stages of his own laundry now and that you can stop doing it entirely?

Sorry can't relate but my DM used to threaten to walk out on us a lot when we were teens. As a result, I made sure that my expectations and wants are very clear with my own dc. Ask them to make you a cuppa, don't expect them to mind read. Our dc are growing up in a society where parents are your nemesis. Unless it has been modelled to them by their other parent it's quite unlikely they feel they need to do acts of kindness towards you, that's your job of course!
Hang in there, it will get better. But remember you don't get any prizes for being a martyr, you still need to set boundaries and consequences where necessary 💐

You're not talking about walking out forever, you're talking about taking a break for a few days - do it! Have the dad look after them, you'll come back refreshed, they will hopefully miss you and be more appreciative and you may even discover the connection that's been missing. A break is just what you need, stop being a martyr and do it OP! Enjoy

Every single day I think about just disappearing but I know I could never do that really. It's the love I have for both DDs and my DH despite everything that stops me going.

DD1 is in her 20s now but still acts the same as when she was a teenager when she's at home. She's just left college and now has a job and her manager has told me what a mature and conscientious worker she is. We never see that at home. She's saving to move out but everything is so expensive now that I can't see that being any time soon. DD2 is 16, but is autistic and has bad anxiety which has led to self harm (and worse) at times and I know if I was to walk out it would make me feel unbelievably guilty with how it would affect her. I would be too worried that she would hurt herself so even if it was possible to go away overnight I know I wouldn't be able to relax.

They both barely see their dad because he's moved over 100 miles away and his current partner doesn't want them to stay over. DH has been in their lives for 12 years now and while I know we have a strong marriage I often worry that he'll leave us because of how stressful it is with both DDs.

I can't remember the last holiday I had or even the last time I had quality time to myself. We don't have any family locally who can help either so it'll likely be years before I can go away either by myself or with DH anywhere.

You’re in the worst of it and I have nothing but sympathy.

14-17 is a frigging nightmare. Hormonal catastrophes. Your second DD is nearly at the “becomes a normal human again” stage, so it should ease up a bit.

There is an Anne Tyler novel where her children are bickering on the beach and she goes for a walk, keeps going, catches a bus to a new town and starts her life again there. Like you I would never do this but used to laugh about this with my friends in the toughest teenage years. They do still love you, honestly and I'm sure you are doing a great job. You are showing them how resilient you are. Keep rising above it and they will cringe about their behaviour when they are adults.

Yes and when you go away cut the bloody wi-if and be uncontactable. I darent say a word to my father - he was abusive. The rage I’ve felt when my son answers back is unbelievable - they need consequences really. The daughter above could flat share. They don’t need to remain at home unless they are pleasant and respectful.🌺

I have 2 teenage boys and they are pretty easy. Apart from eating me out of house and home.

I get lots of uninitiated hugs. But they often then try to pick me up at the end of the hug 😂 cause im not very big and one is already taller than me. They are very sweet though. My 13 year old told me the other day that im so pretty. (I’m not 😂)

my dd is 10 and i am already dreading the teenage years with her. Shes already a handful

My dd is 15, 16 in a few months so taking GCSEs this year. She goes from 0 to 60 in seconds and is rather intolerant of me about everything. I shouted at her yesterday for insolence over something so trivial and that shocked her. She reckons I shout a lot but later in the day admitted she shouts 5 times more.

Last year we were clashing loads and I made a concerted effort to change how we communicate and I have found it in humour and as much gentle ribbing as possible. She thinks she’s a bit posh so I figured out I should learn multi cultural London English aka Roadman to use in front of her friends if she was too rude with me. Oh the embarrassment lol 😈. She’s taken it well… well most of the time but has told me if I do it in front of her friend’s parents, they will think I’m a skank. I find myself bearing this ‘insult’ very cheerfully, as Jane Austen may have once said similar.

As part of my research project of learning MLE, I watched Top Boy, which gave me an appreciation for modern music. This prompted me to start listening to Radio 1 Extra. Now know a lot more of the songs she listens to and have updated my wardrobe to be a bit ‘cooler’. These are all things, which go in my favour and I’ll bang out the chorus or part of the lyrics as I walk in her bedroom or in the car, which can make her smile. Brownie points.

Of course I get blamed for lots in life and don’t get listened too much. When her friends come over, I spend time with them, getting to know them. This has actually been invaluable as they’ve told her how rude she is to me so I think she knows albeit she’s not exactly modifying her behaviour. I’ve also used her friends to talk to her about things, such as her medical condition. I was tearing my hair out last year over it but things have calmed down and she is now prepared to tell other people about it - boys, not that she’s had a proper yet but has dated a little. This is a big big safety concern and afaic if she doesn’t tell them and it’s triggered, this is a dumpable offence - seizures, where her heart stops beating so she looks dead…

As parents of this current generation, we’re often of a generation, where our parents dictated to us so we (I at least) find myself getting the shit stick from both ends. I am sure dd will come through this to be a decent and caring human with it just being a case of hanging on in there for the time being.

I do have a dh but he leaves pretty much everything to me and is just cool dad. Albeit she’s now decided I’m less embarrassing than him lololol. 😜😭… that’s a teen laughing emoji btw.

Edit: I forgot to add, yes I have been tempted to walk out. I’m not well enough though so I go to the bedroom lots. It actually helps that dd has plenty of activities and is busy several evenings and part of Saturday. As a result, there isn’t much time for as many fallings out.

Oh yes, I've certainly been there.

I had a lot of impromptu "coffees with a friend" when they were going through that stage otherwise known as I can't stand you and I need a break so I'm going for coffee.

Your eldest is old enough to sit for them so you can do overnights away.

It is actually good for them to cope on their own. Think of it as preparation for adulthood😀.

No, this is not always the case at all. My 13yr DS is the biggest pain in the ass. OMG it’s relentless.

If you like reading parenting books, I recommend Untangled by Lisa Damour about raising teen girls.

Oh yes. I sympathise. I have a supportive husband, but I still fantasised about checking in to a hotel and leaving them both to it.

I had a boy who was lovely until 14 and a half. Then it was relentless for a couple of years, weed, smoking, huffing, constant self harm, various hospital visits for self harm or substance abuse, bunking off, being chucked out of college.

His life-saver was lockdown. He was booted out of one college at end of Feb 2020 and I decided I needed a mental rest before I started to look for another one. Then a couple of weeks later everything shut down. He hibernated for about a month, rarely saw him other than when he was foraging in the fridge. He emerged the other side pretty much lovely lad he once was.

It will get better, but I look back and have no idea how I stayed sane.

Teen girls can be a bloody nightmare. They know exactly how to press your buttons. Thankfully they do grow out of it, by and large.